Thursday, August 02, 2007

Some people are addicted to crack, some are addicted to eating cans of frosting in the middle of the night to fend of tears that come as the darkness blocks out all distractions from self analysis. Tom Cruise is addicted to insisting in the media that he’s not only heterosexual but that he’s the figurehead of a nuclear type family. Apart from all the insistent marriages, with his most recent business associate, Katie Holmes, there was the relentless portrayal of her as a soon to be mother. The implication with that of course is that she’s going to be a mother because Cruise get her pregnant and he got her pregnant because he’s not gay.

Got it?

Today, NW Magazine in Australia reports (how are they getting these scoops?) that Cruise and Holmes are keen to be in their own sensual nude photo shoot where the only thing shielding the public’s gaze from their explicit naked, intimacy will be a cloud of steam. The steam in the shoot is, of course, a metaphor; in real life that shield is an army of publicists and also the fact that intimacy actually doesn’t occur. Steam is representative of lies. LIES. Ah hem.

That’s not actually weirdest part of this either. What’s even weirder than what it will be like to look at the pictures when they come out and, it can only be assumed, what it would be like to actually take the photos (incidentally, Annie Leibowitz, there’s a million bucks in tell-all interview fees just waiting for you…) is the fact that Cruise Corp is taking his cues from the Beckhams and their recent W magazine shoot and you know it’s because deep down in his weird, chaotic, bi-polar, control freak head, he’s dying to climb inside David Beckham and sleep for a week or two. The things we do.
While it’s not entirely surprising because he’s a professional soccer player and they’re not really ever known for their shrewd intellectual prowess, David Beckham really must be completely clueless. On one side of him is the shrill, self loathing, talentless slab of tuna he’s married to and on the right there’s Tom Cruise who is marinating in his own juices at the thought of hooking up with Beckham. And yet, he’s fine just sitting there…trying to remember what he started to do five minutes before. Oh that’s right…microwave some mac and cheese for the kids and then sit down and (have one of the boys) read “Everybody poops.” (to him).

Still, it’s that kind of innocuous good nature mixed with actual talent that makes a true star and Beckham’s go it. If you don’t have that particular blend of characteristics naturally, and if the people surrounding Beckham reveal anything about human nature to us it’s that to survive on the World Stage, apparently you have to latch onto other people and bleed them dry. [source]

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