Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I don’t know how or why I didn’t post this charming little gem of a TV clip from the Miss Teen USA pageant already. I think I got carried away with whether or not Castro was dead yesterday. Regardless, suffice it to say; Caitlin Upton delivered a top notch answer to a question at the Miss Teen USA pageant at the weekend.

Incidentally, answer aside, the great part of the whole thing is the brief moment after she’s heard the question before she starts speaking, then there’s the inhalation of air and only then does the pure verbal gold happen. Sit back, relax and let the magic unfold….

So, now that it’s Tuesday we’ve all had a good hard laugh at her via the Internet which means that the topic has rated well enough to be followed up on the Today Show. Just like the nauseatingly banal Amy Polumbo of New Jersey, it’s really just a chance for a beauty queen wannabe to apologize for being human and of average AVERAGE intelligence and to attempt some damage control after the tragic leak that she might actually be a whole person. A leak like that may destroy her attempt at a career in …whatever it is beauty queens actually do later in life. Bee keeping or something.

Here’s what she said in response to seeing the footage of herself:
I truthfully think I only heard about one or two words of the actual question.
You drew a blank?
Yes, I drew a blank, I misunderstood!
Matt Lauer then goes on to explain that everyone on TV (including himself!) makes mistakes and Ann Curry gives her a high five and says, “Good girl…you…” (Which we can only assume, is a way of saying something like “Good on you” except the pressure of live television means that she lost all sense of how to say things coherently.)
And look, they’re right. It IS fine for morning television hosts to make slip ups. After all, they have to sit there and make inane chatter about winter cold remedies, hair glaze options and things to do with squash despite the rage and hatred they feel towards each morning after morning.
A beauty queen, however, does NOT have that kind of flexibility when it comes to explaining her views on public policy and social problems so it’s lucky we could weed this chronic failure out before it was too late. The kind of inane, scattered chatter that came out of Miss Teen South Carolina under pressure up there on stage would have cost the Pentagon precious hours and minutes in translation and therapy for all the personnel in the audience had she stood up at a time of crisis and delivered that speech.
A beauty queen must be able to sashay in a swimsuit, have a frictionless smile, perform a patriotic number like the Yellow Rose of Texas using a freshly gutted cat and dictate public policy that is more or less ready for implementation as soon as it is spoken. Maybe this was embarrassing for Miss South Carolina but better now than when it could have cost the US countless lives.

Maybe she should just wander on down the road back to South Carolina and go back to pickin’ and scrubbin’ taters on the farm in between getting drunk and participating in wet t shirt contests at frat parties with the local hooligans minutes before going to church and voting Republican. There really feels like there’s slightly more authenticity for her in a life like that than one characterized by relentless swimsuit modeling and public policy crafting (if there is a difference in the world of American beauty pageants!) [source]

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