Friday, August 17, 2007

One of the first twins, Jenna Bush, the blonde one that looks more like its father, the one who was photographed drunk and falling over for this article:

is engaged.
Of course, it’s to a tall, dark and Republican young man named Henry Hager whose father is Chairman of the Republican Party in Virginia and who, himself, used to be an aide to Karl Rove. Yep, it’s just like the aristocracy: even though she’s probably only mentally capable of being a mid level celebrity publicist, there’s no way she could marry just anyone at all. There had to be virulent Republicanism in there.
But, alright, so she’s getting married and that’s fine, she can get married, she is allowed to be happy etc. Blah.

The part of this that is interesting is just how her husband managed to get past George W Bush. The amount of grueling, fraternity esque hazing that Bush MUST put all his daughters’ boyfriends though would be staggering. He’s the poster child for hyper macho, alpha male entitlement and therefore it must permeate on some level down to the most basic gestures. Unless Karl Rove really is genius to a freaky level and he constructed the entire good natured, likeable, bully macho, illiterate cowboy persona for the president on purpose to win votes. At this point, anything is possible. Hell, behind Rove and sincerely closed doors Bush could be a mincing, femme voguer from the House of Mizrahi but look, it’s not that likely. I just wanted to use that analogy.

So, yeah, the blond one is getting married. Therefore the husband is in for a lifetime of passive aggressive family dinners where Bush forces awkward conversation with him about how well he does at fishin' or huntin' and will ask trick questions about politics just to make the kid look stupid, always maintaining a certain level of dominance so as to insist Hager knows who is in charge. At one point, as they're about to have a family portrait taken, Bush will turn to his new son in law in front of the family and say in words only Hager can hear, "If you hurt mah daughter, Ah'll fuck you up, you sumbitch." and then he'll go on and smile for the family photo. Hager will fake a smile at that point.

Meanwhile blond daughter will remain oblivious to that abuse, or at least complicit with it so she can be as emotionally manipulative as she has to be to get what she wants from her daddy. And husband.

If the Republican National Convention of 2004 was anything to go by then the wedding should be a real hoot. There’ll be roast marinated pregnant, underaged, black lesbian mother with no health care on the spit while Kid Rock (yeah, that’s right, he’s a meeting attending Republican) serenades the crowd with a touching rendition of “The Yellow Rose of Texas” and something like “God Bless America” and everything will be out in the back garden of some ranch in hell.

Actually, I’m being ridiculous, it’ll be in Washington DC or New York at an extremely expensive hotel like the Waldorf Astoria or the Ritz. Daddy'll still sweat the cost and Mama will cry and obsess and then get a little controlling. The sister will be tearful but violently jealous on the inside. She'll push that jealousy down and it'll come out in other ways. the losers who couldn't close the deal with Jenna will stand in the back and start to plot the downfall of Hager individually and silently in their heads. They’ll still serve the same food though. [source]

No comments: