The Reluctant Whore

Great, so Hilton, Lohan and Spears are doing things. At this point news about them sort of blends into a cavernous din of repetitive cyclic behavior; Britney starts something (like motherhood, a comeback or coherent thought) and then wanders around publicly failing at it, Lohan inhales enough stimulant to kill and ox and then drives a school bus, goes to rehab, emerges, and starts same again and Paris Hilton stares and stands and gets photographed. Or she has sex with something and films it. It’s more or less the same formula.

So rather than pursue the same mantra like reportage on each one separately, here’s the quick rundown for today:

Hilton comes home from whatever she does to find camera crews at her house and a family of Brazilian tourists who want to be photographed with her. She obliges and they exclaim that being photographed with Paris Hilton was the highlight of their holiday. This is the holiday that involved them paying thousands and thousands of dollars to schlep their asses north to the. What do we learn? Paris Hilton comes home at least once a day (we presume) and there’s one family from Brazil that does not deserve to ever go on holiday again. [source]

Spears has pulled out of a duet she was meant to do with Justin Timberlake, a song he wrote specifically for her, and everyone at Jive Records are “stunned” because they thought she wanted a comeback. The only “stunning” thing about this is the fact that they are “stunned”. People close to Britney are saying that she’s backed out because she’s ill, that she actually thinks she’s already completed the album in her head and that with the people involved she could have opened the MTV VMAs and blown everyone away. What do we learn? Britney Spears is sort of bipolar or something and…well, actually we learn nothing. [source]

Lohan is in rehab. God, just that sentence may as well just be background noise. The human body apparently makes a lot of noise but seeing as were so used to it or we live in such close proximity to it – ie. you know – we ARE our bodies, we don’t hear it. That’s where we’ve been with Lohan for such a long long time now. So – the news is that two DUIs and a psychotic diva rampage through LA in a car with three petrified frat boys later she’s more or less going to evade any real sentencing AND she’s starting up a new PR campaign to show how together she is. The cycle of ”random” news leaks that are meant to symbolically explain that Lohan is no longer hanging out with people who are a bad influence and that she’s on the straight and narrow are beginning again as she has invited Us Weekly to her rehab resort to photograph her nibbling a humble salad while sipping an Evian water and …as it happens, actually reading a book about sobriety. What do we learn? In the decades to come, Lohan will be remembered not for her film work or contribution to culture overall but for the extraordinary lengths to which she and entire armies of PR executives have gone to convince people she is not drunk. [source]


UPDATE ON SPEARS: Us Magazine reports that Spears may have fled the country to France. Perez is saying she doesn't have the children with her and there's no evident specific or new pending toward threat her so she can only possibly be running from a giant robot ball of what looks like Mercury with arms and legs. It's either that or she's running from self awareness. The interesting part of this will be at what point she collapses. K-Fed will definitely get the kids now. He didn't even had to DO anything.