Wednesday, April 30, 2008

OK! Reports that Joe Simpson is after a reality show for daughter Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz – just like he did with Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey right before they divorced and both slipped into inane obscurity.

Is there some kind of freaking manual that you get when you’re a vicarious freak show mother? Dina Lohan is doing the same thing with Alli Lohan that she did with Lindsay, despite the fact that it ruined the first kid. But, then maybe it was just that Lindsay was cursed or something. Only one way to find out…do exactly the same thing to your second kid and see if it turns out like a nuntcase insane drug addict public liability.

The only thing that makes the idea of a reality show starring Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson is the fact that it would star Pete Wentz and he would probably at some point be naked. Because you know he’s one of those guys like Flea who runs about naked after like two beers. Or at least, that’s what his publicist tells him he is.

What the hell happened to Fall Out Boy? I mean, aren’t they a band? I mean, what happened to guyliner and thanking us for the memories? I sort of want to be thanked for the memories again. Actually I personally never really liked them THAT much so I don’t really mind if they don’t make more music but it would be a shame if they didn’t seeing as they were finally getting somewhere and then dumb ass LA skank idiot ditz Yoko Ono Simpson rocked up and, with her momentus need, extracted Wentz from the public’s clutches.

Damn her. All I cared about was more sexually ambiguous statements from Pete wentz and inadvertent photos being leaked but that’ll never happen now. God, everything sucks.

So, in short, if there’s some reality show, I’ll watch it.


So, apparently today is all about writing the names of people who should never be written about.

Heidi rancid Montag and Spencer “somebody please fuck my ass until I cry and finally shut the hell up and disappear” Pratt (JESUS – I mean, his fucking last name is PRATT for CHRIST’S SAKE) are operating like shrewd political operatives at the moment and it’s interesting even if it is as transparent as any right wing politician’s use of Christianity to get votes.

Yesterday Montag was quoted as saying she’d pray for Lauren Conrad, her other rancid Republican cast mate on “The Hills” which followed on from her inadvertent endorsement of John McCain – even though she clearly has no real idea what it meant for her to do that.

Now, she and Pratt are coming out in defense of the vastly popular Miley Cyrus after Cyrus is currently battling a predictable backlash from middle America for baring her back in photos by Annie Leibovitz for Vanity Fair.

Align selves with the Christian right? Check!
Align selves with the Republican party? Check!
Align selves with fans of the most popular show for children in the country? Check!

Spencer Pratt should just bite the bullet go into politics. I’m talking local politics though. Nothing with any real weight, just something that would placate his ego, get him a desk and an assistant and keep him the fuck out of the news so much. Put him in charge of the parking meters in downtown Chino. Just anything to keep him busy so his Cardinal Ratzinger meets bland assed porno surfer face doesn’t get so much press. Montag is already the perfect politician’s wife; she’s thin, blonde, enhanced and easy to push around. Plus, she has no self esteem so she won’t ever feel like she’s being used.


People Magazine, after no doubt being bludgeoned within an inch of its life by someone in organized potato head, closet lesbian crime, has included Rumer Willis in its Most Beautiful People list for 2008.

Firstly, ok, it’s late April – that’s hardly enough time in 2008 to really constitute being able to put together a list for the year.

That’s A.

And B – how on earth is Rumer Willis beautiful? I do think Demi Moore is beautiful but she’s had any potential averageness chopped out of her. I think she’s stunning and it sort of confuses me that she doesn’t get any work. She’s done so many really great performances over the past 80 years that it’s been proven time and time again that she can actually act. Rumer Willis has, on the other hand, done nothing but emerge from Demi Moore and then continuously reflect absolutely none of her mother’s good points.

The best part about Rumer Willis being in People’s list though, is that she’s quoted as saying:

"There's a cool Korean spa my mom found in L.A. I go with my best friend, [Gossip Girl's] Jessica Szohr. That and getting my nails done are my biggest indulgences."


Actually, dear, your biggest indulgence is that for some unknown reason, you’ve been able to sustain the idea that you actually have a career ahead of you that doesn’t involve rehab, car accidents, drug addiction and maybe a sex tape (oh god, I just found out what my lunch looks like. An hour after I actually ate it).

People Magazine’s list has now officially jumped the shark.

Plus, what the fuck are those boots she’s wearing? Since when has she been a dark and brooding dominatrix? Why do we have to be forced to think of her in sexual roles?

In fact, fuck YOU, People Magazine. Fuck you for making me even write the words “Rumer” and “Willis”. Stop it, People. Stop it right now. [source]

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

There’s nothing like a good macho sports hero fucks tranny scandal and if ever there was an icon of cultural machismo and alpha male entitlement, its Brazilian football star Ronaldo. He’s a modern day warrior hero and was brought up Catholic so his mother probably taught him he was a god. Gosh, guys like that are genius. They’re so pleasant and fun and they always know how to use the right silver ware in restaurants.

Turns out Ronaldo went out, picked up three tranny hookers and took them back to his hotel room. Not one, not two but THREE. After he did that and discovered the hookers were really men, according to the re-telling, he freaked out and offered them money to keep the whole thing quiet – around 600 dollars each. Two of the trannies accepted, one insisted on more. Andre(a) Luis Ribeiro Albertino, demanded £15,000 then she went and made a youtube video about what happened and showed the receipts she had for the transaction. She had receipts for being Ronaldo’s tranny hooker.


So, anyway, it’s really common for bricklayer type guys to go and hook up with trannies and professional footballers are just glorified bricklayers anyway. Who do we believe? The tranny hookers or the macho football hero. Here’s my favourite part of the article:

Police chief Carlos Augusto Nogueira Pinto said: "Ronaldo's testimony is more reliable. From zero to 10, I give his testimony a nine.

"He was very excited and wanted to go out and have fun, without the press knowing.
"Ronaldo said he is not good in the head and that he is going through psychological problems because of his recent surgery.

"But he committed no crime at all, it was immoral at best."

Right, so he was literally not to blame because he had had surgery even though he claimed he just didn’t know they were without vagine.

I would suggest that it’d be rather difficult for an acclaimed football star in Brazil to get in trouble over something like this. I mean, if Ronaldo were to suffer further disgrace then who would assist Brazil in winning at football? And if Brazil doesn’t win at football then what the hell does a bland assed Brazilian policeman have to live for?

Plus, my God, even a senile old war veteran could tell these hookers were really men. [source]

This whole Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair nudity scandal is about as American as old money buying political influence.

Yesterday, the Annie Leibovitz portraits of heavily toothed kid’s TV star, Miley Cyrus hit the internet and everyone was horrified at the fact that she appears wrapped in a sheet with her back exposed. Because she’s 15 and therefore she can’t officially be lusted after yet.

So, everyone was clamoring for an explanation and her father was and is still saying he is upset with the shots. Of course, Miley Cyrus is also out there in force saying she had no idea what shots they would use. Additionally, in the first round of rebuttals and apologies to the Middle Americans who actually are the target audience for the shots, it was pointed out that it’s essentially ludicrous that Cyrus’ father, Billy Ray, could be upset as he was not only present for them being shot but is actually IN some of them.

So, now, we’re getting further rebuttals through spokespeople of course, that are saying Cyrus’ parents actually weren’t there for the shots where she was wrapped in a sheet.

Ok, what utter crap.



The New York Post reports:

"Miley's parents did leave the shoot and were not present for the final shot, nor did they see any digital images of the shot in question," a Miley spokeswoman told The Post yesterday.

Her grandmother and her teacher were left to supervise, according to People magazine.

"Annie convinced them it was going to be artistic," a source told People. "Her parents are mortified."

Right, so, there were adults present but they were her freaking TEACHER and her GRANDMOTHER?

This entire thing is one of the most brazen and astonishing examples of how American culture insists on walking this dual line between being hyper sexual and complete and utter sex-phobia at the same time. Everything is about going back and forth and back and forth and maintaining the sexualized status but denying at the same time. She took the photos but now she's embarassed, her father was there but he's shocked and disappointed, he wasn't there for THESE shots being taken but she wasn't left alone. Blah blah fucking blah. This is part of the reason Britney Spears went insane. She had to be a virginal Republican, Christian child and a hypersexual dominatrix at the same time.

Hillary Duff's current struggle for status is a great indication of how America's libidinal tastes work. Duff’s people have been relentlessly hammering it home that she’s not an illegal kid any more and can be sexual and sexually objectified by audiences by planting gossip items all over the place (that only ever involve her with her long term monogamous boyfriend), kid actors can’t remain lucrative kids forever. If they do they end up like Macauley Culkin – except he never really had MUCH acting talent anyway.

With the billion dollar industry that is Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana, you have this kid who at 15 – when she’s not playing to a specific audience of kids, is attending adult events like the Academy Awards dressed up like an adult vixen. The two personas are completely opposing but each side must exist in order for the other to exist and to potentially continue to exist. She couldn’t be worth a billion dollars unless she was doing something right for America and this is what she’s doing. She’s being a kid one minute for the parents and then a vixen at the same time but making sure to deny it so potentially offendable parents won’t stop buying the products.

I categorically REFUSE to believe that Vanity Fair, an army of publicists working to protect a brand worth a billion dollars and someone as acclaimed as Annie Leibovitz managed to put together a set of photos that portrayed the child subject as partially nude and ethereally sexual in a mildly gothic way and no one quite knew what was going on to the extent that pictures were actually published and now we're all shocked. I refuse to believe that. I refuse.

It is as ludicrous as subscribing to organized religion to believe that.

There is a consciousness at the root of this and it’s about pushing Cyrus’ mainstream and corporately constructed, insanely lucrative appeal to the hilt in a country that gets 5 year olds to dance on stage in swim suits in small Christian town beauty pageants while they’re systematically banning art and literature because of sexual content.

For this to work you have to have the imagery and then the arbitrary, intellectualized, verbal chastisement and denial that it exists. After that, everyone’s fine to look at the images all they want.

Cyrus is being told to lay low at the moment and she’s claiming she is “embarrassed” at the images. In a week or so, things will be fine. Just like with Vanessa Hudgens. It only lasts as long as it’s in front of people anyway.

“I think it's disgusting Miley was photographed in this way," one person wrote on Vanity Fair's Web site.

They sure do. Especially after they go out tomorrow and buy 6 copies of the magazine to make absolute certain that it’s disgusting.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Kim Cattrall is really good at making the most of what she has. She’s in the Sex and the City movie and she was inexplicably employed to do the series itself despite her flat out lack of talent. I really liked her character but she’s so wooden.

Anyway, so prior to the Sex and the City movie being confirmed, she made an issue out of not being sure the script was good enough for her and now, after it’s been completed she is making a big deal out of talking about how much she was paid.

“I never expected to be paid what Sarah was being paid. But I felt that the offer was not worthy of what the three of us had contributed. And I spoke up about it. I feel like I stuck my neck out. I fought. I don’t ever want to be on a set where I feel undervalued.”

Yes, it was either that explanation or the fact that she is pretty sure she’d better keep the publicity wave going ass long as she can because she remembers the lull in work between Sex and the City and the Sex and the City movie. Well, that’s if you don’t count the cripplingly dreadful documentary series, Sexual Intelligence, she shot for HBO. Yeah, that totally counts as legitimate critically acclaimed work.

Meanwhile, Cynthia Nixon is an actual actor. I watched her in Amadeus the other day and she was like 12 or something. Where’s her media parade? [source]

“Working out and dieting and eating boring food. I can’t go to the barbeque spot,” is the fragmented quote, nay – pearl of ordained insight – we are delivered from Mariah Carey’s mouth to our eyes and ears this morning and aren’t you just thrilled to know that she’s feeling some kind of annoyance?

I mean, especially after everything she’s done for culture. Oh, that was just mindless.

So, basically, Mariah Carey used to be quiet planetary in size and now she’s trimmed down to the bullshit and is apparently the same size and weight she was at the age of 17. That’s quite notable considering she’s 37. She’s effectively forcing her body into complying with her planet sized ego so that even though 20 years have passed, she’s still reasonably expecting to be the same size as she was when she was an adolescent. I refuse to believe surgery was no involved.

Last week, after her triumphant performance on Good Morning America which had to have ended with the beheading of one of her backup dancers immediately backstage after she was forced to reprimand one of them in the middle of the performance, she arrived at the Empire State Building which is literally outside my office door. I went down and actually waited for her. There were these douche bag thug idiot guys standing around on street corners holding up signs promoting her albums and then about three black SUVs pulled up one at a time – with about 15 minutes in between each. Each time, two or three totally unfamous diva wannabes got out and trotted about soaking up the crowd adoration even though no one knew who they were. I am almost entirely certain they were publicists.

When Mimi arrived in a black Maybach, a dowdy looking middle aged woman climbed into the front seat and I can only assume she was a makeup artist hired to check Mimi’s face and to wipe away any stains. The make up artist got out and Mimi finally exited the car.

People screamed, I saw her for like zero minutes and then she was gone. One thing I did notice was the she looked happy. She looked pretty happy to be thin again. Here are some of the shots I took:


Friday, April 25, 2008

Ok, so Mariah Carey is about to arrive at the Empire State Building, just across the road fro my office. I'm going to go down and heckle.

There are all these people there waiting.

She apparently really fucked up on Good Morning America this morning so she'll be needy and insecure and violently angry. Just the way I love divas to be. Lets hope she's been drinking...

Here she is o Good Morning America this morning.

OMG - there's a guy shouting on a megaphone. I have to get down there...

Well well well, look at who is really thinking ahead and coming up with the winning ideas…why yes, it’s Burger King.

The Sun in the UK reports that Burger King in Chelsea and Kensington, England, are about to offer up a new burger made of kobe beef, foie gras and freaking blue cheese. And they’re selling it for a STEAL at 85 pounds ($US40 billion/$AU40.0001 billion).

Does Burger King need Spencer Pratt/Ann Coulter brand publicity? Really?

I mean, what the fuck is this shit about? A Kobe beef burger with foie gras and BLUE CHEESE. How utterly nauseating. Plus, if I had 85 pounds to spend, I sure as fuck wouldn’t be going anywhere near some rancid assed Burger King.

I love the cultureless chavs that come up with shit ideas like this. You can just imagine a room full of fat, spoilt, velvet tracksuit wearing English chavs in their early 20s who are vastly under qualified for the jobs they hold coming up with a plan to push the Burger King brand into a new market by simply getting a list of illustrious ingredients like kobe beef, foie gras and blue cheese and mixing them up. The milkshake containing wasabi, gold leaf, beluga and the blood of young blond virgins didn’t quite make the list.

The Sun reports:

But Lucy Barrett, of Marketing Magazine, said: “The idea of a burger that no one buys is not as ludicrous as it seems. Burger King will use it to promote a gap in perception between it and McDonald’s. It could lead consumers to reassess the quality of the brand.”

No, it is a sucky idea. It’s vile. You’re wrong Ms. Barrett. There. I said it.
Plus, I don’t believe its kobe beef, it’s got to be kobe rodent. [source]

The Sun Times reports that Lindsay Lohan thinks her mother’s new reality show - the one that follows the younger Lohan meal ticket and the mother as they attempt to get the kid famous so the mother can live vicariously through the kid while the kid has a slow but sure nervous breakdown – it a "really toxic" idea.

Well, yes. That’s totally true. But then where would the Lohan family be without "really toxic" things keeping them in the public eye after Lindsay's fame got them there in the beginning? They’d be nowhere. They’d just be another freaking white trash family with divorced parents who squabble like zoo-mania stricken meerkats. Really scratching each other’s eyes out and squealing all the time. The neighbours would be horrified and would complain by banging on the wall but it wouldn’t stop them. Meanwhile the girls would be sexually active at 12 and the boy, Dakota – in reaction to the abuse he receives at school simply because of his ridiculous name, would end up both selling and on drugs.

Lohan should thank her lucky stars for drama and toxicity.

Mind you, for Lohan herself to point something out as being toxic takes some god damned work. I mean, JESUS, that shit must be violently crippled with disease. Paradoxically, that’s what will make it work SO well and will encourage me, personally, to watch it. Otherwise who cares what the Lohans do? They just need to bicker and be totally ludicrous people on TV – just like Spencer Pratt. When you have no real talent, ludicrous toxicity pays.

Excellent work, Lohan family. Please continue to deliver us with your unique brand of fine fine art. For Western culture would sink without it. [source]

It turns out that NBC has flatly refused to allow OJ Simpson to appear on Celebrity Apprentice with Donald Trump, according to the New York Post.

Oh well, so NBC loses out on being able to really freak the shit out of everyone and stamp the bar of culture’s lowest common denominator that much lower than VH1’s Celebra Cadabra. Incidentally, what freaking coke high 24 year old LA marketing whore thought up that name?

Celebra Cadabra, you may recall from yesterday is a clown school reality show hosted by suburban child abuse victim and neurotic clown/walking nightmare David Friedman. His main claim to fame is that he may have been abused by his father but he’s repressed a lot of the horror and now he works with children dressed as a nightmare. Hooray! VH1, you’ve won this round but I’m sure the Donald will be back at the game trying to win the war.

Plus, you know Donald Trump would have walked into the NBC offices and said, “OJ is a good man, he’s a fighter, he’s a killer…..oh….I mean, he’s a fighter and a hero to many…and he’d be perfect for the show. The show is the best show in the world and for that I want the best American Hero I can find and that man is OJ”

What you learn here is that Trump’s main technique is just to mindlessly rattle of complete conviction about whatever he’s doing despite any basic reality or fact.

My favourite people of the hour are the execs at NBC who just slapped Trump down and said no.

Poor OJ. What will he do now? Maybe he should open his own charm school. I know for sure he shouldn’t kill anyone though . That would be tactless, mean and careless, frankly. [source]

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Jennifer Lopez is apparently going to star in a reality TV show that shows how she juggles her children, career and marriage except of course, for this decade’s Latina Joan Crawford, they’re calling it a “docu-series”. Oh, ok, totally. That practically makes it freaking science, doesn’t it? Way to create a career out of talking about how to have one.

This isn’t really that surprising though. She already started creating a career out of the fluff elements of her fame when she had the kids and she invested a million bucks in creating the correct space for them and then sold the rights to the first pics to the gossip magazines for 6 million dollars. I mean, she has to though. Her actual art isn’t bringing in any money and her half dead husband’s work is even less interesting to the public than hers.

She’s sort of become, then, a more high maintenance version of Carny Wilson. I don’t quite know why I’m choosing her but it could be because she basically just goes on reality show after reality show and that’s it.

That’s actually apparently enough to create a certain type of career these days. It’s one that has no real worth of critical acclaim but at least the invites keep rolling in and at least you’re on TV. And if you’re not in TV in America…you’re nothing. [source]

US FHM has just released their list of the sexiest women of 2008 and look, the fact is, I’m not going to pretend I care any more than on some basic theoretical level but aside from that, the list has a few interesting inclusions.

The top ten are more or less obvious:

1. Megan Fox

2. Jessica Biel

3. Jessica Alba

4. Elisha Cuthbert

5. ScarJo

6. Emmanuelle Chriquri

7. Hilary Duff

8. Tricia Helfer

9. Blake Lively

10. Kate Beckinsale

I’m fairly certain that Hillary Duff is only on that list because she has a blood thirsty, inhumanly focused publicist who beat the editor into submission demanding that Duff be included in the list. Duff’s people have been desperately trying to convert her to a sexually realised adult for the past year by leaking morally acceptable but sexually charged stories about how she’s been acting in public with her long term boyfriend with whom she is in a monogamous relationship. “They were seen drinking champagne and making out in a booth…”

Oh, shit, wow. Quick – she’s such a sex beast now.

Also Britney Spears made the list even it if it was the bottom number despite …well, everything she’s done over the past year which does, if you’ll remember, include menstruating through her panty-hose when she was wearing no underwear. Mmmm, how inviting and helpful of her. I think that is actually pretty impressive. DEspite all that she's still ranked as nationally hot.

The other great thing about this list is that, like a lot of macho bravado saturated American cultural entities, it claims this is the ranking of the hottest women in the world, except that every country that owns a franchise of the FHM product does their own list. Consequently, it's not the entire world, it's just for the US. England has it’s own list that actually includes Avril Lavigne. It’s for that reason that I will never consult UK FHM when I need information on hot women. I mean, I already figured that they were going to be this lame ass self hating magazine filled with short, acidic articles about where to get the best curry at 1am when ALL the bars in London shut and you’re tanked on lager but I mean, Avril Lavigne? Jesus.


Shock! Horror! Dita von Teese’s bra clasp got stuck mid performance on Tuesday night at a party for Cointreau on the Lower East Side. I’m sure glad THIS is making headlines because it’s about as fascinating to read about as it was to watch her do it in real life.

I actually went to this show and I was right next to the stage and did see her fumbling with a clasp but she kept a smile going the entire time. The thing is, the number she did was so completely NOT demanding at all and in fact she basically just walked out into the middle of the stage in this insanely glittering orange gown with about a two kilos of diamantes around her neck and basically just paraded up and down for like ten minutes and then climbed into large plastic champagne glass and that was it.

She looks great but she’s definitely had work done, she’s not really doing that much on stage besides getting dressed up and the main thing she does well is appearing in public perfectly put together and never speaking. That’s when people like Perez Hilton click in with their tendency towards doll worship and BANG she’s a star.

It wasn’t that great. Julie Atlas Muz could kick her ass with one blink of her delicately feathered and sparkling eyelid.

Of course, the other reason I’m posting about this is because I went and now I can be all “I was there when this happened” which is about as obnoxious as Perez Hilton on a good day. Not quite as bad but it’s getting there. I’m going to go and make myself throw up now. [source] Here's a video of some of the show: [source]

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

OJ Simpson is always looking for new ways to redefine what constitutes the notion of appalling – I think that’s clear by the sheer fact that he insists on existing but Page Six reports that he’s really going for it now because he has been petitioning Donald Trump to let him go on “The Celebrity Apprentice”.

The source suggests that NBC and Trump are interested but are proceeding with caution.

What’s to worry about? The show is already about as nauseating as anything else and what with VH1 redefining childhood horror with David Friedman getting his own celebrity clown school show the bar I set so much lower than anything else so having a delusional, egotistical lying murderer on the show will be great.

As with the Friedman show, it’ll be interesting to note the point where the other celebrities realize they are on the show to kick start their careers and so they have to just not worry about the fact that he’s a killer and a freak and get on with the bitching and smiling.

Today is about as slow you can get. I mean, seriously. Well, apart from the beating Hillary Clinton is getting even from the New York Times despite the fact that they endorsed her and that she just won Pennsylvania. [source]

Paris Hilton was just banned from a Hyatt Hotel in Moscow because she signed her name on a poster of herself and apparently ruined the expensive wallpaper. Apparently dragging her diseased ass into the hotel in the first place wasn’t enough of a risk to the hotel guests to warrant a banning but signing her name was. But, you know,what - that's fine. As long as someone is beating her ass down.

If she had received more scoldings like that as a child perhaps she wouldn’t be the embodiment of everything wrong with humanity today. That's what a good, essentially strict middle class, proper upbringing in suburbia and a private school education has taught me.

I actually think that Russian intolerance for bullshit is a really good thing. I went to get my haircut the other day and I was being so high maintenance and then finally the Russian woman cutting my hair said, “ You need to make a decision NOW. I have to EAT” and she was so blunt and assertive that I just went ….”ok” .

Plus, the rest of the report about this, the one the UK’s Sun reports anyway, says that she was fined 4500 pounds for being such an entitled, repulsive slag and after that she went and spent 30,000 pounds on wine and gave some random guy 150 pounds for his jacket. I actually just love that you know Hilton thought she was channeling Warhol by signing it. Really doing everyone a favour.

You can also guarantee that some Hilton-mad, gay Russian hotel employee will cut that poster down and throw it on ebay asap.

So, in short: Russia: One, Hilton: Zero.


First Stepford Wife Laura Bush and daughter Jenna (the blond one) went on Larry King last night to talk about Jenna’s upcoming marriage and Laura Bush confirmed that she would never be interested in running for president or for a seat in the Senate.

Obviously, the question here was prompted entirely by the fact that that’s what Hillary Clinton did.

It’s interesting that Larry King even asked the question – usually there’d have to be some kind of pretext for it. Like, say, if Laura Bush was capable of something besides the requisite Republican wife role.

Of course she’s not ever going to run for president. At heart, she’s a busy suburban housewife. The vicious, ambitious people in that family are the older Bushes. Barbara and George H W Bush run the show. Laura is a pie baking librarian. She has a Masters Degree in Librarian Science. I many ways she’s the perfect Republican wife because her profession requires her to whisper a lot.

So, essentially, the difference between Hillary Clinton, who is capable of a Senatorial or presidential role and Laura Bush who isn’t, is that Hillary Clinton has to chain herself in at night in case she lets her guard down and her blood thirsty carnivorous single minded quest to rule the universe takes over and finally literally bursts out of her skin so it may tear down the street leaving only mayhem and apocalyptic ruin in it’s suddenly unfocused path.

Laura Bush, on the other hand, has finally managed to get all the White House books in order (with the help of her lovely staff of course), having personally overseen the installation of the Dewey Decimal system. That, and she is hoping to win a small town pie baking contest which she was advised to enter under a false name to ensure that if she did win it would be on merit.

She’s particularly good at blueberry pie.


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

People Magazine is reporting that Conner Cruise has just been cast in the film Seven Pounds and he’s playing the younger version of Will Smith.

Tom is so proud of Connor," says a source. "He's proud of him for really doing this on his own."

And there’s really no reason in his situation to think that Tom Cruise is lying when he says that Connor did it all on his own. I mean, Tom cruise is rarely one for delusional behaviour or lies at ALL let alone now – I mean, he’s certainly not lying to the universe about his marriage.

And let’s examine more – come on, it’ll be heart warming. Will Smith is not friends with Tom Cruise, Tom Cruise is not the head of United Artists and so he holds virtually no sway in Hollywood let ALONE fear based bullying sway based on an insistence that people join his cult before he works with them. For these reasons it would be hard to really think that hiring Connor Cruise would be mistaken as a political move or as the result of nepotism.

Yep. Actually, it seems pretty likely that Connor Cruise is a real survivor who has finally been able to prove himself as a top notch actor who deserves to be working in major motion pictures with hard core star power behind them. No doubt about that. I can’t wait to see his range.

I also can’t wait for Isabella’s tell-all book – Tommy Dearest. [source]

While Lindsay Lohan may have hit the bottle over the weekend and her mother, father and soon, no doubt, her sister as well, are all narcissistic, attention seeking, greedy, bully, trash fest messes, the New York Post reported today something that has given me an inkling that Lindsay at least may in fact, not be completely nuts.

Lindsay Lohan is obsessed with Samantha Ronson, the DJ sister of Mark Ronson and they’re actually living together. No one seems that bothered by the inherent lesbianism which is interesting. So, Samantha Ronson was DJing and Lindsay Lohan was there but was getting extremely defensive about who spoke with Ronson and when Ashley Olsen wandered up to say hello, according to Page Six’s completely unverifiable source Lohan yelled:

'Get your 15-year-old 'Full House' a - - away from my girlfriend,' "

And if you replace the words “my girlfriend” with “Western culture” it forms a kind of prayer or exorcism chant that is highly cathartic to say. Especially if you have a little doll in front of you that you’ve dressed in a caftan by Chanel, huge inane dark sunglasses previously owned by Elaine Stritch and a vastly unnecessary fat fur headband.

There’s a scene in Amadeus where Salieri is watching Mozart conduct an opera and he explains that listening to the fourth act was like witnessing God sing through Mozart.

In this scenario, with Lohan, Olsen and me, I feel like Salieri, Lohan is Mozart and Olsen is basically not really that important – it’s more the purity of message that resonates. [source]

Oh Good. Ali Lohan is headed, full throttle with the help of her best friend mother, Dina Lohan, into more or less exactly the same crap fest, chaotic minefield life that older sister Lindsay has been wading through.

Ali Lohan has been filming a reality show for E!, she’s recording an album and she’s about to star in a film as a popular high school girl. Personally, my favourite part about Ali Lohan is that she more or less shares the same name as a pill that makes you shit oil uncontrollably but that’s neither here nor there.

So, this news of Ali’s burgeoning career basically confirmed that Dina Lohan has a business model. You quirt out a kid, wait till it’s old enough then drag it through as many different high impact, exposure saturated projects as possible. You do business from your spot beside the pool surrounded by your sycophant girlfriends who are all really afraid of you and any time the new meal ticket kid gets cocky you get up, steady yourself in your mules and your two piece bikini, towel off some of the sparkling hog fat you’re using to tan (it comes in a block from C Town so no need to fuss with messy lids and caps) and march into that house and smack the kid into submission.

Eventually the kid will flip out and get drunk and run into a tree in her car but that’s why you just invested in a couple of kids.

Best line ever from future Lohan kidwreck:

"I grew up watching Lindsay. It made me want to do what she does. Just the whole vibe. Being there, being on camera, or onstage."

Was she really watching, I wonder? Perhaps the darker moments where her mother’s multiple bejeweled rings on either hand backhanded Lindsay across the face hacking into her cheek any time she said she didn’t feel like going on have been repressed enough to not count anymore. Makeup would always stand there backstage in case Dina got angry. They learned that they had to be ready to cover up the welts. No one likes a scarred child star. [source]

Page Six is reporting that David Friedman, the youngest son of Arnold Friedman and the younger brother of Jesse Friedman who all appeared in the chilling documentary “Capturing the Friedmans”, the documentary that examined the awful mystery surrounding pederast charges that landed both Arnold and Jesse in jail is back to work on a reality TV show called “Celebra Cadabra” on VH1 where he’ll teach c-list celebrities to be clowns.

He was working as a children’s party clown until the documentary came out and after that he could no longer secure work. So, naturally he created another, much more inappropriate character for children’s parties named Dr. Blood who specialized in amputations. Sure, maybe for your average self indulgent goth parent but really? Amputation clown party? It sounds like a classic nightmare.

So, now that it’s evidently viable to remain totally drunk and incoherent and still manage to work for VH1 and approve new programming, David Friedman is to be a TV host.

There is no way in Hell anyone would bother watching that show unless David Friedman’s past were infused into it. I mean, who the hell cares if freaking Carnie Wilson can tie a rancid assed balloon giraffe while wearing macabre face paint? Not me. And not YOU either.

BUT – when you add in the inescapable horrific reality that David Friedman is almost the quintessential poster boy for hidden, shameful, middle class suburban family ruin, the show takes on a far more disturbing and entertaining bent. Especially seeing as all the celebs will be churning out their relentless forced happiness and no one will speak of the unpleasantness. It will just hang there and everyone will know.

This is like children’s TV meets rape. Actually, that’s pretty much literally what it is. HA! Hilarious.

I suppose bringing in a tremendously complex child abuse victim to teach entertainment to washed up celebs dressed up as clowns is honest though. I mean, after all, clowns are really only meant to frighten the crap out of kids anyway – why not adults too? [source]

Monday, April 21, 2008

I just found these guys on youtube and I’m totally transfixed. I mean, I'm hard pressed to come up with an explanation but somehow that doesnt bother me. They're so oddly oddly specific about what they're doing and they have so much conviction about it that I actually find them strangely comforting. Essentially, their work is more or less genius. Some of it is a bit slow in parts but I mean, they’re completely insane and I just love it.

They’re sort of a Gilbert and George meets Jackass pair. I mean, what a combination.

Excellent work, boys. MTV here they should be coming.

Predictable conservative shill slab of tuna Elizabeth Hasselbeck, the New York Post reports, isn’t so uptight after all. She and her quarterback husband Tim apparently are great fans of Bret Michaels and Poison and were heard talking about how great it was to see them live at Tim’s brother Matt’s bachelor party. Oh my goodness, wow, she’s so cool. Let’s not forget that Bret Michaels is a Republican so perhaps that was the only concert she would allowed into without getting repeatedly vomited on. I mean, apart from Wilford Brimley’s diabetes support group meetings and Clint Eastwood’s socially awkward barbecues.

What a kick ass event that Poison concert would have been. You’d have Elizabeth Hasselbeck’s lip gloss heavy mouth spewing out relentless, needy, demanding, breathless conservative tripe, a whole room of meat head idiot ball players and a chronically outdated band featuring a bloated idiot reality TV wash up all in a room together calculating how much everything cost them, making sure as much of it could be as free as possible and toasting to things like the myth of the female libido, the Iraq war, the Bush presidency, how pointless art school is, how great it is that MBAs rule the newsroom and putting your soul on hold to make as much money as possible.

At the end of the night ten women were beaten to death and the local police turned a blind eye because they’re football fans.

The only nights Elizabeth doesn’t cry herself to sleep, I’m fairly certain, are the nights her husband comes home with a diamond necklace for her. She keeps the tears to herself though. Because she wants to keep him happy. Oh. My. God. Just. Like. Ann Boleyn! What the hell is going ON today?

I’m pretty sure Hasselbeck either knocks herself out with booze and vicodin or, if she’s run out of those, she just smacks her head into a wall until she’s unconscious. I mean, wouldn’t anyone if they were her? [source]

The Daily Mail is reporting that Prince William, the less hot of the two sons of Princess Diana, decided to fly an RAF helicopter over to his girlfriend, Kate Middleton’s family home and land it in their back yard to impress her.

Wouldn’t the fact that he’s a prince and the heir to the British throne be enough to impress a common girl like Kate Middleton? Not if you’re William I guess. I mean, his younger brother Harry is way hotter and he’s already been made a military hero by secretly going to Iraq and then being openly upset at being found there by the American media who reported it. He legitimately came across as annoyed he couldn't just be a regular guy.

Harry is smokin' hot, he's got a sense of duty about him, and he was photographed shirtless in the desert. William is balding, pale and even though he was cute about 8 years ago he’s jumped the shark. Plus, he’s never really done anything that impressive in a militaristic sense. Well, except this drastically daring English garden landing.

Plus, my theory is that he’s just like Henry VIII. He’s this big dumbass, macho, psychopath with an insane ego and he’s really working hard to woo Kate Middleton simply because she’s holding out – just like Ann Boleyn. Oh my GOD, the spirit of Ann Boleyn is everywhere and it’s not because I’m obsessed!

What’s the bet, Kate Middleton’s father was standing there strictly watching how Kate conducted herself during the landing making sure the entire family looked their best. Just like in the Tudors! When you become royalty EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. She’d better not miscarry when they get married or William will start sleeping around (which he’ll do anyway) and then eventually behead her and her entire family. It’s a family tradition!

Meanwhile, as you’d expect, the political side of this is that everyone is upset at William for wasting taxpayers’ money seeing as his big show off moment cost about 30,000 UK pounds which is roughly 70 billion US dollars. The RAF are refusing to disclose exactly how much more it costs taxpayers to have William trained while he continues his social life unhindered claiming that it would cost too much in man power to calculate that. That response is almost as good as Reagan claiming ketchup was a vegetable.

Of COURSE the royal family costs too much. There’s more or less no point to them. I mean, ok, they contribute to the national identity of the UK which is admittedly pretty important but that's it. Nothing else.

However, in light of thi gross mis-spending of public funds, it seems only fair that William step aside from the throne and allow Harry to succeed. Prior to that, Harry should balance out his military experience by doing Armani underwear campaign. That could be his other professional skill. Other kings have been all sorts of thing. Like, one king was a freaking clock maker for God's sake. Harry should endeavour to perfect underwear modeling. Then he could be king and the people would adore him more.

William should be locked in a castle far away where he only wears black gowns. A few people will still consider him the rightful King of England but Harry can just have them beheaded or publicly disemboweled. That's how it will probably play out anyway.


Further evidence to support the notion that all young Hollywood starlets are generally complete emotional mine fields with chasms of need the size of national parks beneath their corporately constructed exteriors has been found with new photos of everyone’s favourite squeaky clean child prodigy, Miley Cyrus, slutting it up in her underwear on camera.

Reports from TMZ don’t say where the shots came from but it seems clear that young Miley is probably the modern day equivalent of Ann Boleyn. I’ve totally been watching The Tudors and the Boleyn family were ASSHOLES. I mean, you know, according to Showtime. They were complete sell outs who did everything they could to make sure they got more power and control and in the process disowned one of their own daughters. Ann Boleyn was the main breadwinner though seeing as she was bedding the king but her father treated her like a political tool and in a lot of ways I think maybe the Cyrus family is the same.

You’ve got Billy Ray Cyrus who got a bit of fame with his hideous music a decade ago and now the kid is being sent up to battle to make sure the fam is kept in champagne and furs. I bet Billy Ray goes in and frightens her by saying that if she doesn’t go out there smiling for the public then a bomb will go off in her mother’s stomach. She’s not allowed to talk about that at parties.

So, here’s the kid. Secretly getting naked at 15 on camera probably hoping some 60 year old pedophile will tell her she’s pretty. Pretty Pretty? Those anonymous people who stared at her underwear pics are the only ones who don’t judge her. They promise they won’t ever leave her or scold her too. That’s why she gives them a little peek.

Oh God, I feel nauseated.

Still, Vanessa Hudgens survived her turn of being naked in public and so maybe Miley will too. The more I think about that Vanessa Hudgens deal, the more I think it was a PR stunt to market Zach Efron as straight. The only person with a case of gay face more extreme than Efron's is Gossip Girl's Chase Crawford.


And just when you think the nightmare is almost over a mere 20 years in (and that’s just in New York), the next round of Lloyd Webber sponsored cultural rape is announced with reports that Andrew Lloyd Webber is planning on opening up Phantom of the Opera 2 – a musical sequel set in Coney Island to open in 2009/2010. It'll be based on the book "The Phantom of Manhattan" by Frederick Forsythe. Cool! Because most of the time sequels totally work when it comes to film and TV so a stage musical version should be just GREAT. Particularly if it’s just the same basic story except set in Coney Island and with more up to date stage craft.

Phantom of the Opera seemed ok in the beginning when it came out and I have to admit that when I was like 14 I was a total Lloyd Webber fanatic. I collected everything he wrote and some of it is actually pretty good. Phantom of the Opera really isn’t included in the list of top quality musicals that have come out of the head of Lloyd Webber and that’s not just because it’s the kind of show the blue rinse set now take a day trip on a bus to the big smoke to see.

Actually, yes it is. It’s sucky because it’s the McDonalds of musicals. At this point it’s a churned out, factory-made kind of show for which actors can easily phone in performances night after night after night and it enables ticket buying people to wallow around at the bottom of the cultural barrel when they decide to spend 200 dollars on tickets for the theatre.

Plus, I’m pretty much convinced that there’s an entire contingent of people from all over the world who think that Phantom of the Opera is an actual opera. It’s for that reason that I really am glad that Andrew Lloyd Webber has deemed it possible for those people’s delusion to continue.

What would the end product be anyway? Requiem for a Dream meets Amadeus on the big stage? Ok, sure, sign me the hell up. I sure hope there are lasers. [source]

Friday, April 18, 2008

Page Six is reporting that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are working it hard to get their own reality show and while it’s not surprising that they are, its entirely surprising that my gut reaction is that it would be a far better show than the tired assed, vapid idiot saturated The Hills.

I’m pretty much convinced at this point that reality TV is designed to introduce me personally to characters that annoy me SO much that I can’t look away because they’re so easy to get violently angry about – if I choose to engage. That’s a basic given. I’ve never watched a reality show where I haven’t immediately been presented with someone I just instantly loathe. Well, that’s sort of the same with getting on the subway in the morning but I manage that because it’s irrational.

But anyway, the reason this would be such a great show is because Spencer and Heidi really are such openly horrific examples of shameless LA vapidity and narcissism and they never let on that they have an conscious understanding of just how horrific they are that watching them in their daily lives, struggling to actually get somewhere would be so very easily one of the most disgusting shows ever that I would be forced to watch. FORCED I tell you. I would TIVO it.

Spencer seems to know maybe the extent of his hideousness but he values money and fame far more than feeling ok about what he does and Heidi is a vapid twit who just wants to be married and made to feel like a princess. That’s why she’s ok with being bullied by the misogynist Spencer. Republican women know their place.

Together they form a super couple that almost embodies as much wrong with America as Paris Hilton. Not quite obviously though because the New York Times heralded Heidi Montag as a freaking feminist hero and no one has done that about Paris. What Spencer and Heidi embody though, it far more overt and out in the open than Paris. Paris keeps the disease hidden. Well, until she releases a movie.

So, in conclusion, yes. Please bring on the Spencer and Heidi show. Please bring it on and then please let it crash and burn and destroy them completely so Spencer eventually has to say yes to that offer from Michael Lucas and we can all sit back and watch him get rogered until he cries.

I wonder why I’m so weirdly aggressive today. I think it’s because the pope is nearby. I’ve got my slogans ready, I’m making posters that say “Hitler Youth Graduate!” and “Limbo was a Farce and so are YOU!” and I’ve got a 5th floor view of 5th Avenue. Plus, I’m in suite 500. Wow, it’s all the fives! Barkeep bring me another double gin and spare me the regret! I think I’m losing my mind. [source]

I didn’t get this the other day because Lord knows, I don’t read Fashion Week Daily for some insane reason but apparently James Franco is the new face of Gucci.

It makes sense in a classic sort of way because he’s really astonishingly beautiful. It’s certainly makes more ultimate sense than Marc Jacobs choosing Posh Spice to suck her thumb on camera while wearing a Technicolor yawn.

But anyway, so the photo I found of Franco on Towleroad that has the Gucci logo above it, which I’ve put above, is apparently not the actual ad – it’s just some photograph with him in it shirtless with the Gucci logo above his head. Isn’t that basically what an ad is? What the hell is going on?

God, Fashion is draining. It really is. Not only is it expensive, and time consuming and a professional realm which actually encourages people to abandon the notion of considered depth, it’s also completely arbitrary and erratic.

I suppose all culture is though and frankly, its nice to know that we may very well see James Franco hanging out in his underwear soon although, I kind of like the armpit shaving shot for some reason. He’s a stoner too. I wonder why Gucci want to hire a stoner? I mean, Franco is a public stoner. Oh whatever. Just take the damned shot already.


Ashlee Simpson went on the Today Show this morning to talk about the release of her new album which I’m now resentfully mentioning but then, that, it appears is the entire point.

When Matt Lauer asked her if she was pregnant she said in an admittedly sarcastic way, “Only Time will tell…” which is so annoying I want to puke.

It’s so clear at this point that the announcement of the wedding and the probably purposeful speculation over her pregnancy is all completely timed to bring attention to her and to make sure people then know about her new album and that basically makes two things clear.

One, she and Pete Wentz might actually be a lot smarter than we previously thought but actually that’s highly unlikely because her media pimp/beast father is really the one controlling his ludicrous remote control daughters.

And two, it seems that everyone involved is really aware of the fact that there was always going to be far more interest in a potential marriage and pregnancy than her actual music.

Plus, can I just say that she really looks and sounds like Charlotte York meets Tim Burton? Those pants coupled with that voice really make me want to stab my eyes out. The video is at the source link.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

The New York Post is reporting that Ashlee Simpson’s father and, let’s face it, media pimp Joe Simpson is trying to pimp out pictures of the Simpson Wentz baby that Pete Wentz keeps insisting doesn’t exist and he’s asking for a million bucks from the gossip magazines.

The gossip mags have responded by saying that they don’t really think she’s worth that and maybe they’d offer 60,000 instead.

Wow, nice to know how much you’re worth.

Meanwhile, what an intricate tissue of lies these Simpson and Wentz people weave. Firstly, they’re not getting married, then they are. Then there’s no baby and then suddenly the father wants money for the first look at the baby. I mean, look, I’m almost questioning whether I should believe anything the old ex-Reverend Joe Simpson says. I’m just considering it for a second. I’m no making a decision either way yet, it’s ok.

I’m trying to remember what it was exactly that was so fascinating about Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson being together. I mean, Pete Wentz is totally stunning etc so that’s fine but she’s this generic, LA ditz product. She’s been completely defined by not being Jessica Simpson and not being a fashion accessory to Pete Wentz’s particular brand of watered down emo rocker aesethetic.

Who is the real Ashlee Simpson and what makes her tick? I …actually no, I can’t even fake an interesting in that.

I like people who pretend to have careers in music and acting but who actually make money by selling pictures of themselves and their offspring. Like J Lo, Nick Lachey and that Ritchie fetus. I’m not even going to type her full name. I hope she is watching. She'll see. She'll see and she'll know and she'll say, 'Why, he wouldn't ever enable a pointless celebrity like me by typing my name.... "

Ah hem.

So, in short, Ashlee Simpson is pregnant and her father is trying to sell the rights to the pics but no one is biting because no on cares about her. [source]

Here’s Madonna’s hilarious new video which she made as part of a viral marketing campaign based on online, youtube style videos to promote her new album. Look at her! She’s vacuuming! Well, I never expected to see that. Look at the way she uses the vacuum cleaner. It looks totally natural! It’s like she’s used one before. I’ve used a vacuum cleaner before too! Oh my GOD, she’s just like me!

I mean, it’s funny and all but that’s primarily because she is completely gorgonesque every other second of the day that when she says one thing that is even remotely lighthearted, everyone dies of a hilarious based coronary.

It seems like at this point, Madonna can’t be completely stoic and unbreakable because she’s really not capable of as much edginess by herself as she once was. Now she needs an army of people telling her where to be and what she should do and who she should work with to stay relevant.

That’s why she can’t be without irony. With irony…maybe the latest album was actually a lot less serious than she meant it- yeah, that’s it, it was meant to be kind of hilarious and the launching point for a million youtube satires…

Note the slivers of English accent in her speech. SO good. She really may as well be English. That's it, she is English. I don't even care. She is whatever she tells me she is. I'm an idiot.

Rush and Molloy are reporting that while Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are currently living apart, it’s entirely due to work and renovations on their home in LA. And when I say “home” I mean the foreign state they’re currently constructing so Tom Cruise really can be in a world of his own in every way and be able to reconstruct reality in a way where everything he does is suddenly completely normal. There will be no autonomous media in his state.

Meanwhile, the rumour was addressed by Rush and Molloy because In Touch reported in a column that Katie is finally trying to break free from Tom Cruise’s manic delusional controlling high impact non-sexually motivated clutches.

Everyone is afraid of Tom Cruise. Why bother towing the line? I’m sort of amazed that Rush and Molloy did that. Of course Katie is thankful to be out of there. The fa├žade has to end sometime – it’s completely unfeasible that she keep up this ridiculous farce of a marriage.

Actually, you know what? I think maybe she’s fine with the insanity. I think she knows that without him she’d be just another c-list actress who wouldn’t get any work. She sees James van der Beek’s massive ego, total lack of charisma and dwindling list of credits and she panics so she runs back under Tom’s wings. The glittery, feathered wings he picked up at House of Fetish in Sydney for a steal that one year for the Sleaze Ball.

So, there’s that fear coupled with the knowledge that Tom has probably implanted a bomb in Suri Cruise’s stomach and Katie knows that if she ever leaves he’ll just head straight for the bookshelf, grab the bronze bust of LRH, pull it forward so that the bookshelf opens up to reveal a secret passage, he’ll march down the steep spiral staircase that is made of stone and that contains windows all the way down that look into small holding cells in which he keeps all his male lovers, he’ll go through several iron doors, walk to the control panel, locate the huge red button that has a plastic box over it with a label (made with one of those label makers like you find in an office – just like that one over there on the desk) that says “ DO NOT PRESS THIS BUTTON and he’ll press launch. Suddenly, no matter where Suri is she will start crying and it will get more and more maniacal until her stomach explodes. And when she explodes the tape recorder inside her will be blown up in the air and will land on the ground a few feet away, giving off smoke and constantly saying the phrase “ Don’t worry daddy…I won’t tell…Don’t worry Daddy, I won't tell….”

Nothing can come between Tom Cruise and his ultimate goal of the mask of normality.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Gawker posted this and it's so amazing. This is a road trip from Los Angeles to New York filmed on a time lapse camera so it fits into four minutes. It was filmed by Michel and Oliver Gondry for the French pop star Laquer. I'm delighted.

Gatecrasher reports that David Hasselhoff tried to pick up a woman after a filming of “America’s Got Talent’” by signing a headshot of his, putting his number on it and sending his assistant to give it to her.

The woman apparently was seen later laughing about it at the bar.

What the hell was wrong with that woman? Didn’t she know who she was dealing with? I’m astonished. Oh, there’s an obvious explanation: she was either a lesbian or a rape victim.

Also, there’s all this noise outside on Fifth Avenue and I’m not sure but it could very easily be the DJ AM remix of Mozart’s Ave Maria which I’m assuming will be the theme song to the Pope’s visit. I’m assuming that because after all the paederast unpleasantness the Catholic Church has really got to kick it up a notch to keep the kids interested in its archaic, superstitious freakishness.

I read in the New York Post this morning that the Pope is going to be parading down 5th Avenue in the Pope Mobile sometimes this week so I’m really thrilled. I hope that he’s wearing those ridiculous red Prada patent leather loafers. They’re dreamy. Particularly when you couple them with to his relentlessly sinister, freakish eyes that seem to scream “ I really was a member of the Hitler Youth”. Because, let’s face it, he was. Why can't Peter O'Toole be the actual Pope? I find him more comforting than Benedict.

So, I’ll be watching and waiting. I really hope his parade this week doesn’t get in the way of me getting Pinkberry if so choose I.

In short, David Hasselhoff is a smooth operator and it’s unfortunate that his latest target was clearly a rape victim or lesbian or both. Also, the Pope is due outside my office any day now and so I’m almost unable to think properly in anticipation. [source]

Despite Pete Wentz arguing that reports of Ashlee Simpson’s pregnancy are just part of a witch hunt for celebrities to be pregnant, People Magazine is insisting it’s true. Ashlee Simpson went on TRL and was asked directly if she was pregnant and she replied:

“I just think it's an inappropriate question to ask any woman. For me, that's something that I didn't ever want to respond to, because I think it's an inappropriate question."

Yeah, she’s totally right about that first section. You should never ask a celebrity or any woman if they’re pregnant. No one should. It’s not something that would reasonably be of interest. I can’t even be sarcastic about this. When is she living? 1854?

But fundamentally though, who the hell thinks that an answer like that conceals anything? Haven’t we learned anything from the hoards of idiot gay men and women who answer the “Are you Gay?” question in exactly the same way? Jesus, if you want people to think you’re not pregnant or not gay, when someone says “ Are you …?”


Then later on when a journalist confronts you on it, say “ I didn’t want to freaking tell you I was …”

What’s so complex about that?

God Ashlee Simpson is an idiot. Pete Wentz should really be talking to Nick Lachey at this point about how to deal with idiocy on such an inhuman level. [source]

Universal Records have stated a firm ultimatum to Amy Winehouse. They’ve said that unless she gets clean, she will not be releasing any more albums through them.

The difficult part is, without all that, she probably can’t make art.

So, in conclusion, I think it’s safe to say that aside from more footage of her screaming for Blake, her smoking crack out of a broken light bulb and her face falling off – that’s the last we’ll hear from her.

Gosh, is it lunch time? [source]

The New York Post reports that burlesque artist Dita von Teese has a foot fetish and the report comes just in time for the release of a new book about feet by hard cover coffee table porn publishers, Taschen called “Glamour from the Ground Up”.

I’m sorry but Dita von Teese is to burlesque what Pete Wentz is to Emo. She’s managed to take it mainstream by dressing properly, never doing anything outrageous off-stage and never saying anything. There’s hardly a continuum between what she does artistically and what she gets paid. She’s getting 20-30,000 dollars for an appearance and her work is about as edgy as a VH1 special.

But then, when you’re a woman who is always marketing yourself as uber glamourous, you aren’t blond with a tan and you live in LA, you never show unattractive signs of emotional complexity that are actually confronting and you survive something like a divorce or the death of a loved one you immediately become a gay icon.

And I’m talking about the type of gay icon championed by mindless populist, starfuckers like Perez Hilton. The amount of times Perez has published photos of Dita von Teese with the caption “’FLAWLESS” scrawled over the top of her head are too numerous for me to …well, remember really and frankly I just don’t really think she’s worth the attention.

Maybe I’m over burlesque after seeing it relentlessly in New York for years. But then, Perez does the same thing with the even more pointless Miss J Alexander on America’s Next Top Model. Completely run of the mill vogueing queen who could be anyone in that scene but who inflates their work beyond recognition.

The appeal of Dita von Teese is just the same as the gay diva appeal of Hillary Clinton. Gay men who shun individualism tend to gravitate towards hectic, alpha women.

So, with Miss von Teese, she’s got a foot fetish all of a sudden because she’s just getting paid. There are some real, gritty innovators in the world of burlesque but they’re not her. [source]

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Page Six is reporting that Samantha Ronson has essentially moved in with Lindsay Lohan to attempt to keep her clean and away from drugs.

Of course, while it seems like a lovely gesture, it’s really not as good and pure a scenario as it seems.

The reason that Lindsay Lohan is such a freaking addict – and we’re talking about alcohol, drugs, sex, publicity, drama whatever – is because she has a gaping hole inside her that probably has no limit. She’s filled with a crippling void.

So, while Ronson is keeping her off drugs, maybe, she’s certainly not keeping her off carpet munching. I’m pretty certain that’s the case. There’s a massive amount of lesbianic activity going on in the Lohan LA home and it’s the only thing separating Lohan from eyeballing rat poison to escape reality.

I recently wrote this feature profile about a fisting porn star who is grossly grossly unhappy and he has two obsessions; fisting and music. The reason behind it is because those are the only two things that help him effectively escape his life.

Ronson’s box is Lohan’s newest drug. I guess that’s my central point here. [source]

Heather Mills is taking a leaf out of the Ann Coulter book for getting publicity by acting like a freaking insane, narcissistic child at the Miss USA pageant and delaying the signing of the contract because she wanted to be paid more money.

TMZ reports that she insisted people would be tuning in to see her and so if the ceremony were broadcast multiple times, she should be paid more money. After being essentially ignored by the organisers, she went and tried to work a little of her sexualised stump charm on Donald Trump himself to get her way and whether or not she did specifically because of that is really of secondary importance to the fact that the combination of Heather Mills flirting aggressively with Donald Trump is far too maddeningly erotic to not want to think about incessantly. For optimum digestive health.

The thing is, even though she’s a gold digging, weird assed, irrational, attention seeking ass, she’s basically right. She’s aggressively hated on an international scale because she divorced a Beatle and went for money she was owed as a wife of a multimillionaire. She fought aggressively to get what she felt she was owed and seeing as Paul McCartney was never seen reacting on any level in the press, she looked like a really fucked up gold digger. Which she more or less is but I’m taking a different look at this.

The thing is, fame is fame. And fame is a marketing tool. Donald Trump knows that in the same way Rosie O’Donnell and Ann Coulter and even dumb ass old Michael Lucas does. It’s just an equation.

So, Heather Mills was booed at the pageant. Big deal. The pageant itself went on as scheduled and probably the same tired assed, generic, self loathing bimbo freak who has starved herself in every way all her life to try and fit into the narrow character profile of the type of person who can be a beauty pageant winner probably won again and the product will go on log after Mills’ ephemeral impact has encouraged people to write about the pageant and look at youtube clips of it and laugh at her being dehumanized. Like I am doing right now. Thus making the ratings go up. Thus justifying her pay rise.

She probably did boost ratings. Plus, doesn’t a crap, culturally outdated freak show like the Miss USA contest need a little bit of a personality injection anyway.

Still, it astonishes me just how much Heather Mills has managed to muster up so much hate. I mean, she’s on par with terrorism and salmonella almost. She just needs to stop lashing out like a spoilt brat. She handles everything badly. She has no grace. That’s her main issue. [source]

TMZ reports that it’s that time of year again when the Mormon Church gets to work producing its calendar of hot, shirtless Mormon missionary boys who have returned from their years of wandering in the proverbial desert, subsisting on a diet of breakfast cereal and immature, repression based male aggression and I couldn’t be happier. The two pics below are from the actual calendar. They're both named Matthew.

And the thing is, it’s not really because the boys are shirtless – because they all look like generic Chelsea queen clones and plastic, unreal clones don’t do much for me – that’s why I don’t live in LA – well, one of the 50 reasons, anyway.

No, the reason the Mormons Exposed Calendar is such a treasured cultural item is because of how completely freaking warped it is.

The website attempts to explain what it’s about by saying:

The fact that twelve young returned missionaries are posing shirtless will certainly raise eyebrows, but may also help to sort out some common misconceptions about Mormons. The shock value of what these traditionally conservative young men have helped to create has the power to build a dialogue that encourages people across every belief system and walk of life to defy stereotypes, step out of judgment and embrace tolerance.

OR – and I’m just going to throw this out there as a possible ALTERNATE explanation – it gives the guy who orchestrated this entire thing a way of channeling his latent homosexuality into a form that won’t eventually cause him to kill someone out of eventual sexual frustration while maintaining some form of freakish allegiance to the Church that will not accept him.

Do I really need to point out that regardless of any “dialogue” that may be “encouraged” by the calendar – the basic completely fucking LUDICROUS basis for Mormonism remains and their flat out basic emotional torture of gay people also remains a constant and unchanging part of their doctrine.

And that’s just a part of the joy of Mormonism!

Why there’s a whole shitload of other gems to marvel at when you take a look at the inane cult of Joseph Smith! Like the magic underwear for instance, or the fact that Joseph Smith was a con man, that, unlike Mormon doctrine professes: DNA testing has proven that it’s impossible for Native Americans to be a lost tribe of Israel.

But the fun doesn’t stop there, in fact even though my list will, it probably never stops because not only is it a religion, it’s an AMERICAN religion so it’s equal parts showbiz and equal parts a distinct departure from rational thought! Just like Scientology! For instance, Mormons, for the longest time, professed that black people are pre-disposed to a life of slavery both in heaven and on earth simply because they are black and can we all agree that polygamy is nothing more than the result of a sexually oppressive male social structure? I’m happy to. Burkas, female circumcision, polygamy – it doesn’t matter the religion, it’s all just misogyny.

Oh cool! But they have this freaking hot ass calendar of missionary boys with their shirts off! Oh, forget all that! Let’s start a dialogue! That’ll change a religious doctrine whose only power is in the fact that it must remain unchanging or it isn’t a universal truth to the Mormons.

But then, maybe they can change a few things here and there when it suits them. I mean, the Catholic Church does when it sees fit. Which reminds me; isn’t there a calendar of hot Roman priests? At least they take off their underwear at some point during the day even if they don’t do it on camera. [source] [source] [source]

Monday, April 14, 2008

The New York Post is reporting that a sex tape of Marilyn Monroe that is still classified by the FBI was just sold for 1.5 million dollars to a New York businessman who has decided to keep it in a vault and never let anyone see it. The man said he was afraid that Monroe would end up like Paris Hilton if the tape got out.

Firstly, How do you get to buy a still classified FBI file? How does that work?

Secondly, how could a tape that is probably really shaky and black and white and runs at an oddly faster speed than natural movement involving a woman who has been dead for years possibly turn her into Paris Hilton, a pop cultural entity who exists entirely because she’s not dead. There’s little more TO Paris Hilton than the fact that she’s alive and stands there.

The fact that she’s famous has very little to do with her actual personality and ability at this point.

Still, maybe there would be some truth to the idea that a sex tape involving Marilyn Monroe would reduce her to masturbation fodder if the film came out. After all, what’s hotter than jacking off to images of a dead woman? Preferably shots of the corpse but failing that, just footage. Anna Nicole Smith is probably getting more work now in the minds of heterosexual teenaged boys than she ever did in life.

Plus, I refuse to believe that the man who bought the film won’t be showing it to his friends privately. I refuse to believe that. He will absolutely be having people over to show them the tape and he’ll probably even make a night of it with guacamole and chips and some Coronas as well. Coronas with lime wedges because the name of the night will be the Marilyn Monroe Sex Tape Mexican Food potluck party. Invitations will say, “Please come to my party. We will be watching the Marilyn Monroe sex tape and will be eating delicious Mexican food. As it is a potluck, please bring a dish of your own but make sure it’s Mexican! Also, please RSVP asap as space is limited.”

And the invite will be printed on one of those cards that come in a pack of 20 and have a tear off bit at the end that you have to fill out and tick a box that says “ I can come” or “Sorry, I can’t make it”.

Someone will be opening the mail and will be writing a list of people who can make it and can’t.

Still, I'm glad that this has happened in a way because it means that the Yasser Arafat sex tape I've been longing for since I was 7 could very will still exist. Who knows what is hidden where these days...


For whatever reason, Katie Couric’s role as the news anchor at CBS has failed to boost its ratings to a point where she was actually worth the 15 million dollars a year she was being paid.

So, the word is, she’s on her way out. Maybe she’ll take Larry King’s job when he leaves in 2010, maybe she won’t. Everyone’s quotes and points of view are all over the place trying to protect themselves.

So, anyway – rumoured to be taking her role at CBS now is good old Stunning Arms Anderson Cooper and what a charming thought that would be. While he’s done a pretty swank job at moderating the presidential debates, Anderson’s career as a primary anchor of his own show at CNN has been at least in part a direct result of hype, his grey hair, blue eyes and sparkling smile not to mention the relentless coverage of his refusal to come out of the closet; ie. Nothing to do with his ability to actually be a seasoned journalist anchor. He’s not BAD but he certainly seems to get by and excel on a lot of hype. Plus, he’s always so insistent that he’s a hard hitting journalist. There’s an urgent, forced seriousness in his voice and a really painted look of concern on his face.

Am I the only one who misses his column in Details? It was always a gamble as to which photo of his they would put up; the smiling one or the serious one. When he wrote about his brother's suicide they used the serious one. It's always a joy when something in the news involving Anderson Cooper pops up because I get to talk about why he's famous, how cute he is, how average his work is and how I'd go on a date with him anyway - if only he knew I existed. God, I'm predictable.

Still, as far as a marketing machine goes, putting Anderson Cooper on network television will only broaden his fan base and cement his role as a dashingly handsome, gym built beauty. And when you’re faced with one of them on the TV screen during the prime time news hours each night, who the hell cares what his resume really looks like. [source]