Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Maybe Germany is recoiling in shame after it was shocked by the conduct of its own soldiers so it's just running rampant trying to clean up every pointless little mess it finds.

It's always amazing when the media and then general public decides to arbitrarily remember that gay men hook up in public bathrooms. It dies away and then it rears up again and straight people and the odd politician delights in being offended and then it automatically becomes about the safety of children, a bathroom is patrolled, the problem is deemed dealt with, everyone forgets blah.

Is it really a surprise that toilets at the Sydney Opera House, a place staffed almost entirely by aspiring arts admin queens and oblivious music students, and Myer, a department store - again, staffed by a hormonal university students, retail queens and elderly/clueless women would eventually become a place to hook up? There's virtually nothing in the way of it. And you know what? It's completely unfeasible that straight people don't hook up in public and every now and then in public view. What about the children then?

Seems like the place became too mainstream and it ate itself, just like a nightclub or rockstar.

My question is, what on earth is www.squirt.org doing pushing their "Best of Toilet Sex" lists out there. Doesn't it alienate their demographic?

Thanks to www.queerty.com for the image.

Halloween, it seems, is becoming less and less a holiday for child molesters.

Just like we'd all hoped, there's no stopping good old reliable US flavoured capitalism from finally making the Middle East more culturally palatable to Western idiot tastes. A developer is turning Osama bin Laden's old stomping ground into a resort.

And really, what could be more enchanting than a fabulous candle lit dinner while gazing out over the land that was more than likely used as a training ground for the terrorists who orchestrated the attacks on the World Trade Center?

At this point early stage, I'd warrant the target audience is still more than likely to be either middle class university kids who are performatively still so embarassed by the US government that they've been forced to flee to Paris or Berlin (the cultural emergency was so dire and it resonated on such a horrifyingly physical level for these kids that they even had to leave for the safety of Europe before finishing their degrees) so they can start fresh and be fashionably distant from their place of origin OR weird wealthy middle aged swinger couples with a severe pathological interest in trying to relax in violently dangerous world wide destinations.

And you know, even though, as the article says, two journalists were killed this month in the very same area as the resort, the first thing the PR company/hotel developer says in the article about the resort is that: "Tora Bora is world famous - but we want it to be known for tourism, not terrorism. Tora Bora is 100 per cent safe now." and when a publicist says something, anything at all, it's good enough for me.

Remember, the difference between terrorism and tourism is more or less "u" but for that transition to work, you aren't allowed to think about it too much.

Monday, October 30, 2006

The great thing about weight loss breakthroughs is that whenever the media says anything about an apparently successful diet, you just know that the mentality behind it is about informing the public that they too might want to try this revolutionary new diet discovery no matter what it entails.

Some English man lost a truckload of fat by drinking OXO stock dissolved in water 3 times every day for a year. Is it not common knowledge yet that you could more or less do the same thing by say, eating the same amount of ice cream or say, the inspirationally named Product 19 and you'll have the same weight loss.

I actually don't really care about the stock cube based weight loss of a man from Cornwall but I just think it's sort of funny that someone sat down and thought about doing this and then basically decided it was unequivocally in line with who he was so he did it unwaveringly for a year and BOY, look at him now!

It's like those people who get married in rural wherever who decide without hesitation that they want life sized fiberglass cows surrounding the reception. I don't know where that happened but I remember seeing some documentary about it. God, and the woman getting married was fat too.

It's comforting to know that the exhausting, emotionally traumatic and often very real danger involved with having to stir honey or sugar into a cup of tea manually may very well - finally - be a thing of the past.

Sunday, October 29, 2006

This is the text of the Week In Review segment I presented on D List Radio on October 28, 20o6

Maybe it was something in the air to do with gay marriage becoming almost legal in New Jersey or maybe a global crimson wave hit the planet this week because divas were going wild en masse and nothing it seems, could stop them.
Naomi Campbell upped the ante this week when she was arrested for assault for the 9th time in 8 years. That takes the average to just over one per year. If this trend continues, it’s not unreasonable to suggest that eventually the apocalypse will be upon us.
Spokesmodel for Bolivian Marching Powder Kate Moss revealed this week that she has made the informed decision to have crack head Pete Doherty’s baby which more or less means she decided to render herself useless in every way imaginable.
Madonna this week went on Oprah to talk about the ups and downs of buying a child from the nation of Malawi but in news perhaps more eye opening than all of these put together, Ad Age Magazine voted Vogue Editor Anna Wintour it’s Magazine Editor of the year and it was assumed this caused her to smile.
But you were more than likely familiar with at least one of these stories this week so here are some of the things that happened just under the radar in this, the 44th week of 2006
It’s a well known fact that without vodka, living in Russia would be, at least at various points in history, basically unnecessary or possible, which is why it’s not surprising that this week a museum opened in Russia commemorating the national drink and cultural anaesthetic.
Dutch troops around the world have no nationally sponsored stress relievers such as vodka or vicadin like normal armies around the world which is more than likely why A top female politician ín Holland this week called for Dutch prostitutes to be sent abroad with the troops to help them relax.
A collective sigh must have been heard throughout South East England this week when a man affectionately known as the Train Defecator was caught. He’d been randomly but quite literally giving people the shits in train carriages since August by taking a dump in train carriages so people would find them later.
And when the topic turns to shitting in public there’s always one country that immediately comes to mind, the charming nation of Germany who this week raised collective eyebrows when CNN reported that Germany had managed to shock and disgust even itself when pictures of German soliders skull fucking corpses in the Middle East surfaced this week. Apart from the obvious horror of this story, I think this is notable because for Germans to shock Germany takes some fucking work.
And while the Germans were busy being horrified by the quirky head games of their soldiers, infamous German corpse artist (again, where else would a corpse artist live except in Germany?) Gunther von Hagens who aimed to make necrophilia into art came under fire this week - for using corpses to recreate a scene from the new James Bond film.
And speaking of inexplicable European behaviour, humans weren’t the only ones feeling warped this week. An Eastern White Pelican actually caused real emotions to be felt by the English in St James Park this week when it trapped a pidgeon in its beak and twenty minutes later swallowed it whole. Meanwhile, in another part of town a Staffordshire terrier went to piss on an old Pylon this week, hit an electrical outlet, caught on fire and accidentally shorted out 148 homes for 5 hours.

In other hysterically funny news involving comic tragedy that’s funny because we don’t know the people involved, a woman in Pasadena California was hit by a falling shopping trolley this week when she went to raise the flag outside her work. The flag had been replaced by a shopping trolley. All I can say is, Öf course it was – why didn’t she look up to check as anyone else would have?

A 17-year-old Dutch junior kickboxing fighter Pamela Vugts who didn't know she was pregnant gave birth to a baby daughter after a she competed in a kickboxing tournament this week and as she did that, in China a man reportedly walked 27 steps in a pair of iron shoes weighing more than a quarter of a tonne.

In England, an elderly woman accidentally sent a cat in the post this week after it snuck inside the parcel she was sending to her nephew, a Romanian man was in trouble with police when it was discovered this week that he’d locked his allegedly unfaithful 70 year old wife in a chicken coop and a study conducted by the British sleep council released this week found that, on average, women are grumpier than men in the morning.

23 bulgarian teenaged girls got into an all out bloodbath this week involving brass knuckles and bike chains as they skipped school to fight over who would have the right to date one hot young man at their school.

And Finally - Smiling is not just over rated, it’s actually a hinderance to fun – at least that’s what the Edwards family from England must have believed when they abandoned plans for a holiday to Cyrpus this week when it was discovered that the smiling photos in their passports rendered them all invalid. With nothing to do, they had to cancel their 5000 dollar holiday. What’s the lesson there? Never smile, obviously.

Monday, October 23, 2006

If you were feeling a little more cramped and a little less able to get your fair share of oxygen this week then you probably put it down to the fact that early in the morning, mid week the population of the United States finally surpassed 300 million.

But while more people than ever before were living, more money than ever before was being SPENT on place within which TO live this week when Real Estate investor Jerry Speyer spent 5.4 billion dollars when he purchased Stuyvescent Town along Manhattan’s East River.

In vital and fascinating Britney Spears news, it was reported this week that Britney Spears has managed to quickly drop 25 pounds just 8 weeks after quirting out another Federletus which of course, means that there’s finally endless hope for us all and we can all put down the razor blades and stop crying.

But, obviously, everyone knew all of these stories so here now are some of the things you may not have known that happened during this, the 43rd week of 2006.

Size queens and breast men who like to go mocha can breathe a sigh of relief and should get ready to dive into a whole world of sexual fun because this week, research was released that said the average human in the year 3000 will be 6 ½ feet tall, have coffee coloured skin and will live for 120 years. Findings also showed that men’s dicks will be substantially longer and women’s breasts larger and more pert. My advice is give up on people today and stay home and cross off the days on your calendar.

And speaking chances to indulge penis enthusiasts, it was announced this week that Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliff will appear nude on stage in a production of Peter Schaffer’s play, Equus. Radcliff will be required to sit on a horse naked and simulate sex.

And while those stateside will find it harder to get a sneak peak at the Peter of Potter, if you’re lucky enough to be in Aspen this week as the elections for the position of sheriff are currently underway you might have been able to watch the old video footage of sheriff wannabe. Rick Magnusen firstly digging a hole in the Mojave desert and then masturbating into it. Locals have had ample opportunity to see it as the footage has been shown on local TV at least 27 times. I found it on youtube and it’s not that big of a deal.

The very first woman in Japan to act as a surrogate mother for her own daughter’s child gave birth to what was effectively her own grandchild this week and as she did that a 105 year old Chinese man put the word out that he is looking for a wife with a primary requirement that she be no older than half his age and should be prepared to take care of him – which means, and I’m not afraid to be the first to point this out to the zany old coote that what he’s actually looking for is a nurse.

The former Soviet state of Turkmenistan this week unveiled a huge building that looks like a giant book as a monument to freedom of the press. The House of Free Creativity is, however, anything but a House centered around freedom OR Creativity in the press or anyplace else when you think about it because all press in Turkmenistan is state owned, no criticism of the government is tolerated there. In fact, Turkmenistan is ranked 3rd worst country in the world when it comes to press freedom. Only recently a journalist who criticized the government of Turkmenistan was tortured to death in prison. Horray for the new monument to freedom.

43 years ago a rare bustard’s egg was stolen from a museum in rural England. It was returned this week with a note apologizing for it’s abduction and the museum cheerfully placed back on display.

One place museum eggs or anything else for that matter are less likely to go missing because people are fundamentally happier nowadays is in India – believe it or not – as one of the poorest cities in India has taken to painting its buildings bright pink to cheer its citizens up. Apparently they were all a bit sad because of the high crime rate.

Unlikely happiness occurred in Germany this week when Heidi the donkey fell in love with Hannibal the gander. They now sleep side by side and the gander attacks any male donkeys who come remotely close to his female donkey girlfriend.

While donkeys were falling in love with geese in Germany, a man in Austria accidentally nailed his own testicle to a roof with a nail gun and in the US, tycoon Steve Wynn gesticulated a little too effervescently this week and put his elbow through the canvas of a Picasso painting worth over a hundred million dollars just minutes before he planned to sell it.

The Catholic Church has once again proven that it has its finger on the pulse of the key issues facing humanity when it released this week a prayer book aimed at teenagers that includes a prayer to ask for God’s help in avoiding acting like a fool when drunk. No word yet on what prayer to say if you’re a confused or vulnerable child who is raped by a priest though so let’s all hold our breath for that one.

Benny Hill – it appears – isn’t dead at all, or at least he is dead and he’s been reincarnated as a vicar in New Zealand. The good reverend Gary Husband (what a genius name) was dubbed the knicker vicar this week when it was revealed that he’d been organizing volunteers to drive out of town to bring back much needed pairs of women’s knickers. The town it seemed had no stores that stocked them.

And finally, in a classic case of Put Down the Crack Pipe and Deliver the Mail, a postcard written by a student to his parent in 1966 in Poland was finally delivered this week to the student a mere 40 years on. Funny how communism was able to be over thrown in Poland before the postal service could deliver the mail but I suppose credit must be given to them for keeping track of the letter.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

If you were reading the papers this week you’d know that it was a week of celebrities moving on, buying children, making amends and burning to death in aircraft accidents.

New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle along with his flight instructor crashed into a Manhattan high-rise, killing them both and Hugh Hefner this week declared the death of his zeitgeisty libido citing that he’d prefer a game of dominos to sex with one of his three girlfriends

If you’ve been keeping track of world records like I have you’ll have noticed that Ellen Barkin offloaded about 20 million bucks worth of jewelry this week at Christie’s – making her sale one of the top four largest single owner sales in history.

Turns out Madonna really did buy a kid from his parents in Malawi this week and, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie this week caused a massive collective sigh of relief when they announced that they are back to being best friends forever again – strangely enough, at the same time they are about to start filming the next season of their insufferable reality show.

Gosh, how both very real and not at all the product of network pressure and unbridled infantile narcissism THAT announcement was. I know that this is absolutely the first time I’ve stopped crying since their feud began.

But we all already know about these stories so here are some of the things that happened that you might not have known about during this, the 42nd week of 2006

Silicone breasts are on the way OUT as far as men in the UK are concerned – at least that’s what a survey conducted by More magazine in the UK showed this week when 85% of men aged 18-34 said they hated plastic surgery and found it a complete turn off.

And while they’re busy disliking plastic surgery on women, what men in the UK don’t mind though, men in government that is, is the prospect of finding a cure for baldness and they made it evident this week when Science minister says he wants the UK to become the world leader in hair restoration and announced that 2 million pounds would be spent to get there.
Following in the theme of spending money on things that are falling apart due to age – a Michigan woman this week offered ebay bidders the chance to purchase the almost mummified remains of a human body she was given by a friend but before she could collect a check, the remains were confiscated by police.

While police in Michigan were busy confiscating mummified human remains from middle aged women, police in New Mexico were inadvertently getting high this week when two forward thinking and kooky pranksters who worked at burger king laced two officer’s burgers with thick juicy marijuana buds.

The US military announced this week that it’s begun working on a new kind of spy camera that looks just like a fly. The camera will be so small it could fly into any space and lodge itself on the wall and film what’s going on without being detected which is of course great news for people who get off on secretly filmed amateur footage of spontaneous innocent, sexual self discovery between hot studs who probably haven’t seen their girlfriends in weeks cause they’ve been at WestPoint all year and now they’re discovering each other beneath the sensual warmth of a steamy shower after a hard sweaty training session on the field. They’re standing there, under the hot water, unable to stop but confused about what it means…

In news about being inappropriately rogered, a couple in Kenya were sentenced to 18 month prison this week when they were discovered having sex in a mosque and in the US, executives at Disney are said to be fuming that a tape of Minnie Mouse and Goofy getting it on has been leaked to the Internet. The film also showed Mickey Mouse being penetrated by a snowman. But what’s the big deal? Didn’t everyone already know that coy little Minnie was a dirty whore who liked it up the ass from whatever the fuck kind of animal Goofy is.
A Serbian man who left a 6ft snake inside his car because he couldn't afford an alarm was arrested this week after it escaped. He left the snake in his E-Class Mercedes every evening to make sure no one would steal it.
In survival related news, a dog has survived surgery this week after spending a month with a huge splinter stuck millimetres from his brain while amputee whore fetishists were no doubt thrilled this week when 29 year old Gillian Gilchrist from the UK was back at work selling ass on her usual corner a mere three weeks after having one of her arms torn off. And frankly, good on her for not complaining.
And finally, it was reported this week that a Cuban man, who believed he was the oldest person in the world, died in hospital at the ripe old age of 126.Benito Martinez, whose age was never proved, was certain that he was born in Haiti in 1880. And frankly, if an elderly, infirm person says they were born in 1880 and there’re no public records to prove it one way or the other then there’s no r reason for anyone to think otherwise.

Monday, October 09, 2006

If you were plugged into the mainstream ether this week you might have read scientific research that showed Paris Hilton is indisputably overexposed as a celebrity just as we all suspected and that she got punched in the face by Shanna Moakler. You probably also read that Madonna did NOT actually adopt a kid from the small African nation of Malawi. Thinking people would have noticed that Whitney Houston kicked her husband to the curb, that Tara Reid finally got some work done to get rid of the liposuction scars that make her stomach look like she’s housing scrap metal in her intestines and that Mel Gibson, apparently fell off the wagon in Austin, Texas.
And, really, who could have missed the golden moments when Republican congressman Mark Foley came out as a pedophile, wait, alcoholic, wait, homosexual, wait, according to Fox News he was a Democrat and according to other right wing writers he was THE VICTIM OF A DEMOCRAT Smear campaign and never even wrote those things to that 16 year old page and WAIT – where the fuck are we?
Sure – you heard all these stories. We ALL heard them…but here are the stories you probably missed during this, the 41st week of 2006.
Ever the nation that tries new and important toys, the Ukraine is set to become a whole lot more musical as it was announced this week that A musical condom designed to play louder and faster as lovers reach a climax is about to go on sale.
Things weren’t so musical down the front of Iranian pants this week though as the Islamic Revolution supreme leader of Iran, Sayyid Ali Khameini busied himself churning out mean sexual panic when he wrote on his website about how cursed you’ll be if you crank one off during Ramadan. To find out how to feel bad for blowing a hot load or to simply ask your own question about how to avoid damnation by being afraid of sex just go to www.leader.ir. No kidding.
Threats of eternal damnation weren’t just flying out of good old Iran this week either, the always above board Russian Government announced this week through a cheerful leaflet that anyone involved in taking or offering bribes would burn in the firey pits of hell. But, if you think about it, if anyone is going to know what happens after you take a bribe it’s going to be the Russian Government so maybe Russians’d be smart in lending their leaders unquestionable trust.
But as it happens, the Russians were actually busy multi-tasking this week because while they kept busy judging everyone about unethical business practices they were also busy uncovering a secret mile long pipeline that was pumping vodka out of Russia and into Latvia. Which more or less means that somewhere in Latvia they LITERALLY have Russian vodka on tap.

In transsexual news, a man in Florida went to court this week to argue that he shouldn’t have to pay his wife alimony any more seeing his wife is now legally a man and a woman in England was kicked off her all-female darts team when her team mates found out she was born a man.

But breast implants certainly weren’t a hinderance for 24 year old Elena Marinova in Bulgaria this week when she crashed her car but police say she was saved from death when her sized 40DD silicone breasts absorbed most of the shock.

Two men locked themselves in a cage within the lion enclosure at the Qingdao Wildlife Park, China this week planning not to speak for ten days and only to eat raw meat and drink water like the lions. They are hoping to raise public awareness of the pain of isolation.

And as Chinese people no doubt became more aware of that pain of isolation, they celebrated their right to commit horrific animal abuse as the Animal Olympics in China featured a segment where kangaroos were forced to box with humans.

And in news about things going into mouths whether it’s a good idea or not, the good folks at Six Flags Amusement Park in Kentucky this week offered anyone free entry into the park if they would eat a live cockroach and a Croatian woman was struck in the mouth by lightning this week as she brushed her teeth. Electricity literally shot into her mouth and out of her ass moments later.

And speaking of disrupted mouths, a 200-year-old pair of French false teeth went on display for the first time to mark World Smile Day, which was yesterday. They belonged to the archbishop of Narbonne who died in 1806. So let’s all now smile retroactively for World Smile Day by reflecting on the week and thinking about how many ways Mark Foley has hurt the Republican party so far or if you don’t care about that maybe you’d like to think about how hilarious it would be if to jack off during Ramadan and shoot a hate load of cum all over a mean, invalid Iranian leader’s face while still going to heaven.
I know I’m smiling.