Saturday, October 14, 2006

If you were reading the papers this week you’d know that it was a week of celebrities moving on, buying children, making amends and burning to death in aircraft accidents.

New York Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle along with his flight instructor crashed into a Manhattan high-rise, killing them both and Hugh Hefner this week declared the death of his zeitgeisty libido citing that he’d prefer a game of dominos to sex with one of his three girlfriends

If you’ve been keeping track of world records like I have you’ll have noticed that Ellen Barkin offloaded about 20 million bucks worth of jewelry this week at Christie’s – making her sale one of the top four largest single owner sales in history.

Turns out Madonna really did buy a kid from his parents in Malawi this week and, Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie this week caused a massive collective sigh of relief when they announced that they are back to being best friends forever again – strangely enough, at the same time they are about to start filming the next season of their insufferable reality show.

Gosh, how both very real and not at all the product of network pressure and unbridled infantile narcissism THAT announcement was. I know that this is absolutely the first time I’ve stopped crying since their feud began.

But we all already know about these stories so here are some of the things that happened that you might not have known about during this, the 42nd week of 2006

Silicone breasts are on the way OUT as far as men in the UK are concerned – at least that’s what a survey conducted by More magazine in the UK showed this week when 85% of men aged 18-34 said they hated plastic surgery and found it a complete turn off.

And while they’re busy disliking plastic surgery on women, what men in the UK don’t mind though, men in government that is, is the prospect of finding a cure for baldness and they made it evident this week when Science minister says he wants the UK to become the world leader in hair restoration and announced that 2 million pounds would be spent to get there.
Following in the theme of spending money on things that are falling apart due to age – a Michigan woman this week offered ebay bidders the chance to purchase the almost mummified remains of a human body she was given by a friend but before she could collect a check, the remains were confiscated by police.

While police in Michigan were busy confiscating mummified human remains from middle aged women, police in New Mexico were inadvertently getting high this week when two forward thinking and kooky pranksters who worked at burger king laced two officer’s burgers with thick juicy marijuana buds.

The US military announced this week that it’s begun working on a new kind of spy camera that looks just like a fly. The camera will be so small it could fly into any space and lodge itself on the wall and film what’s going on without being detected which is of course great news for people who get off on secretly filmed amateur footage of spontaneous innocent, sexual self discovery between hot studs who probably haven’t seen their girlfriends in weeks cause they’ve been at WestPoint all year and now they’re discovering each other beneath the sensual warmth of a steamy shower after a hard sweaty training session on the field. They’re standing there, under the hot water, unable to stop but confused about what it means…

In news about being inappropriately rogered, a couple in Kenya were sentenced to 18 month prison this week when they were discovered having sex in a mosque and in the US, executives at Disney are said to be fuming that a tape of Minnie Mouse and Goofy getting it on has been leaked to the Internet. The film also showed Mickey Mouse being penetrated by a snowman. But what’s the big deal? Didn’t everyone already know that coy little Minnie was a dirty whore who liked it up the ass from whatever the fuck kind of animal Goofy is.
A Serbian man who left a 6ft snake inside his car because he couldn't afford an alarm was arrested this week after it escaped. He left the snake in his E-Class Mercedes every evening to make sure no one would steal it.
In survival related news, a dog has survived surgery this week after spending a month with a huge splinter stuck millimetres from his brain while amputee whore fetishists were no doubt thrilled this week when 29 year old Gillian Gilchrist from the UK was back at work selling ass on her usual corner a mere three weeks after having one of her arms torn off. And frankly, good on her for not complaining.
And finally, it was reported this week that a Cuban man, who believed he was the oldest person in the world, died in hospital at the ripe old age of 126.Benito Martinez, whose age was never proved, was certain that he was born in Haiti in 1880. And frankly, if an elderly, infirm person says they were born in 1880 and there’re no public records to prove it one way or the other then there’s no r reason for anyone to think otherwise.

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