Monday, October 23, 2006

If you were feeling a little more cramped and a little less able to get your fair share of oxygen this week then you probably put it down to the fact that early in the morning, mid week the population of the United States finally surpassed 300 million.

But while more people than ever before were living, more money than ever before was being SPENT on place within which TO live this week when Real Estate investor Jerry Speyer spent 5.4 billion dollars when he purchased Stuyvescent Town along Manhattan’s East River.

In vital and fascinating Britney Spears news, it was reported this week that Britney Spears has managed to quickly drop 25 pounds just 8 weeks after quirting out another Federletus which of course, means that there’s finally endless hope for us all and we can all put down the razor blades and stop crying.

But, obviously, everyone knew all of these stories so here now are some of the things you may not have known that happened during this, the 43rd week of 2006.

Size queens and breast men who like to go mocha can breathe a sigh of relief and should get ready to dive into a whole world of sexual fun because this week, research was released that said the average human in the year 3000 will be 6 ½ feet tall, have coffee coloured skin and will live for 120 years. Findings also showed that men’s dicks will be substantially longer and women’s breasts larger and more pert. My advice is give up on people today and stay home and cross off the days on your calendar.

And speaking chances to indulge penis enthusiasts, it was announced this week that Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliff will appear nude on stage in a production of Peter Schaffer’s play, Equus. Radcliff will be required to sit on a horse naked and simulate sex.

And while those stateside will find it harder to get a sneak peak at the Peter of Potter, if you’re lucky enough to be in Aspen this week as the elections for the position of sheriff are currently underway you might have been able to watch the old video footage of sheriff wannabe. Rick Magnusen firstly digging a hole in the Mojave desert and then masturbating into it. Locals have had ample opportunity to see it as the footage has been shown on local TV at least 27 times. I found it on youtube and it’s not that big of a deal.

The very first woman in Japan to act as a surrogate mother for her own daughter’s child gave birth to what was effectively her own grandchild this week and as she did that a 105 year old Chinese man put the word out that he is looking for a wife with a primary requirement that she be no older than half his age and should be prepared to take care of him – which means, and I’m not afraid to be the first to point this out to the zany old coote that what he’s actually looking for is a nurse.

The former Soviet state of Turkmenistan this week unveiled a huge building that looks like a giant book as a monument to freedom of the press. The House of Free Creativity is, however, anything but a House centered around freedom OR Creativity in the press or anyplace else when you think about it because all press in Turkmenistan is state owned, no criticism of the government is tolerated there. In fact, Turkmenistan is ranked 3rd worst country in the world when it comes to press freedom. Only recently a journalist who criticized the government of Turkmenistan was tortured to death in prison. Horray for the new monument to freedom.

43 years ago a rare bustard’s egg was stolen from a museum in rural England. It was returned this week with a note apologizing for it’s abduction and the museum cheerfully placed back on display.

One place museum eggs or anything else for that matter are less likely to go missing because people are fundamentally happier nowadays is in India – believe it or not – as one of the poorest cities in India has taken to painting its buildings bright pink to cheer its citizens up. Apparently they were all a bit sad because of the high crime rate.

Unlikely happiness occurred in Germany this week when Heidi the donkey fell in love with Hannibal the gander. They now sleep side by side and the gander attacks any male donkeys who come remotely close to his female donkey girlfriend.

While donkeys were falling in love with geese in Germany, a man in Austria accidentally nailed his own testicle to a roof with a nail gun and in the US, tycoon Steve Wynn gesticulated a little too effervescently this week and put his elbow through the canvas of a Picasso painting worth over a hundred million dollars just minutes before he planned to sell it.

The Catholic Church has once again proven that it has its finger on the pulse of the key issues facing humanity when it released this week a prayer book aimed at teenagers that includes a prayer to ask for God’s help in avoiding acting like a fool when drunk. No word yet on what prayer to say if you’re a confused or vulnerable child who is raped by a priest though so let’s all hold our breath for that one.

Benny Hill – it appears – isn’t dead at all, or at least he is dead and he’s been reincarnated as a vicar in New Zealand. The good reverend Gary Husband (what a genius name) was dubbed the knicker vicar this week when it was revealed that he’d been organizing volunteers to drive out of town to bring back much needed pairs of women’s knickers. The town it seemed had no stores that stocked them.

And finally, in a classic case of Put Down the Crack Pipe and Deliver the Mail, a postcard written by a student to his parent in 1966 in Poland was finally delivered this week to the student a mere 40 years on. Funny how communism was able to be over thrown in Poland before the postal service could deliver the mail but I suppose credit must be given to them for keeping track of the letter.

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