Saturday, December 23, 2006

Reluctant Whore is on vacation on a Venezuelan island and will return mid Jan.
In the meantime - check out the archives and visit the recommended links listed over there on the right.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

A group of forward thinking, well-prioritised and clearly in-touch lawmakers in Poland have finally come up with a solution to any number of the basic pressing social and/or economic problems facing Polish society; they've drafted a document which will officially recognise Jesus Christ as the honorary King of Poland.

Not even the utterly ludicrous Roman Catholic Church is in favour and when that happens - within the ranks of the Catholic Church you know something really is pretty screwed up.

But, honestly, what's the worst that could happen in officially recognising an historically hyped up social figure that died 2000 years ago as the tokenistic monarch of an entire nation that solidified its independance from a totalitarian regime around 15 years ago? Seems pretty reasonable and culturall relevant.
Women and human shit appear to retain the same social status in Malaysia and they're both being hidden away and dealt with as efficiently and attractively as possible.

It all started with the push for women to be completely covered up by the town of Kota Baru - a conservative Muslim town in Malaysia. Then, it was revealed that Malaysia is introducing parades of Vietnamese mail-order brides in Malaysia so that potential investors don't have to go to far to see what they're buying. Now, in another part of what apparently forms the push to clean away all evidence of humanity in Malaysia, the Malaysian government has just introduced self cleaning toilets as a way to promote tourism.

Because if the prospect of buying yourself a Vietnamese wife from a cafe or having to make sure you don't show an inch of skin in the always friendly conservative town of Kota Baru aren't enough to attract you to Malaysia in the first place then the chance to use a public toilet that cleans itself most certainly will be. It's all about a central goal of cleanliness and human experience without mess.

The Race to Become Most Unpleasant European Nation in which to Celebrate Christmas 2006

In a development involving the English schoolteacher recently fired for killing her student..........'s sense of innocence by telling them Santa Claus doesn't exist - the actual details come out and it's SO much more mindlessly cruel than previously considered.

Apparently the kids were asked to go and work for the Royal Mail writing letters to other children their own age, explaining why Christmas requests to Santa had been rejected.

It's more or less a Christmas themed battery hen assembly line but instead of cheap wallets and designer underwear, these children are churning out the pure embodiment of sadness and dashed innocent hope. What a shame the teacher never thought that might not be enchanting for the kids. Oh well, too late now.

Best quote ever:

Jackie Jackson, headteacher of Ladysmith junior school in Exeter, said: "The choice of this worksheet was a genuine mistake by a teacher which we are sad about."

Sadly, the sociopathic rabbit killing English teenagers of tomorrow have already hatched...

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Finally, Muslims living in western countries where they aren't able to buy and slaughter animals are able to do what it takes to ensure entry to heaven online.
An enterprising web company have invented a service whereby Muslims can have an animal slaughtered via webcam, they can watch the animal die and then can be assured the meat will be given to the poor. This scenario is win win because not only are western Muslims hiving meat to the poor, they're also gathering as a family to watch the ritualised death of an animal filmed live online.

Sure, it's quite possibly horrifying to anyone but this is a religious process and it's for the kids...
Malaysians currently plagued by intense laziness and sexual and emotional desperation (could there BE a more attractive combination of human attributes?) can breathe a sigh of releif this Christmas because rather than have to tediously crawl to the computer to look up the bride or hooker they want to buy, a no doubt exhausting process, Malaysia is now holding parades of mail order Vietnamese brides to really heighten public awareness of what is essentially government condoned slavery.

Women hoping to be purchased from their families hang out in cafes waiting to be chosen so it's basically a brothel set up but the women never leave.

This is hot on the heels of a fundamentalist push in the town of Kota Baru, Malaysia to ban women from wearing clothes that are even remotely revealing. So, in conclusion: in Malaysia women can't be seen but they can be sold.
Reacting, no doubt, to the race to emphasise UNpleasantness this Christmas currently underway between European nations, Russia has unexpectedly stepped in to attempt a balance out the panic and sadness by hosting a G8 summit for Santa Clauses from around the world.

They will arrive in Russia to talk about...well, frankly who knows - particularly during what is probably the most anti-climactic week of the year for anyone who makes money as Santa.

Santa representatives from France, Finland and Germany among others will attend and this follows hot on the heels of a Christmas gathering in Russia where a whole lot of pro-Kremlin students dressed as Grandfather Frost and the Snow Maiden in order to get together and talk politics.

Sounds like a Christmas oriented riot, more or less.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Apparently living under a regime that more or less amounts to cultural house arrest in Communist China doesn't make people too happy. At least, that's a major problem the Chinese government is having to contend with as they petition to host the 2010 World Expo in Shanghai. A survey recently showed that only 2% of people in China smile at strangers.

To combat the unattractive sadness felt en masse by the Chinese the Chinese government has arranged for people to stand in public places and smile at others. Statistically, it really means that there will be more happiness.

Best quote ever:

"We ask all the members to practice smiling at home," team-leader Xu Xiaohong told the paper. "We smile at the mirror to determine whether our smiles are acceptable. We not only smile with our mouths but also with our eyes."

With a technique as focused as that, emotional problems will be a thing of the past because as we know - if you look happy you are happy. That is all.

It's always great when collectives of people band together, well and truly lose track of a rational set of ideals and bicker needlessly. Therefore, anyone not immediately connect to the collection of animal rights organisations and religious people in India who have been protesting and just succeeded in making sure 18 dogs not be allowed to get married should be comfortably amused. The wedding of the 18 dogs was called off because it was decided after careful consideration that a marriage ceremony would be cruel.

Best quote ever:

"In my opinion, marriage of dogs is cruelty on animals," the newspaper quoted the PFA's chairman Naresh Kadyan as saying.

"People hold the front legs of the dogs against their will and force them to dance, which is cruel. The lights, noise, sound used in these kinds of events also hurt them."

Isn't leprosy still an issue in India?
One week out from Christmas Day the English are apparently fat and complain too much and seem to be really focused on winning the competition for "Most Unpleasant European Nation Within Which to Celebrate Christmas", but the Japanese are following suit with other nations in Asia in providing an outlet for people who have more money than God but little brain capacity.

To completely trump the hotel in Jakarta that is selling the $110 hamburger, a department store in Osaka is selling a cake that costs $848,000 because it is covered with 100 diamonds. Seems like a fairly complicated way to buy 100 diamonds but that's what some people need as an incentive, apparently. Cake.

It's also great that while multitudes of people are extraordinarily poor and hungry the Osaka department store figured that money should be concentrated into a cake that the buyer probably won't even eat because they don't eat carbs.
Following in the recent trend of spending ludicrous amounts of money on inane, unnecessary things in Asia, a hotel in Jakarta, Indonesia has just launched a new hamburger which costs the equivalent of $US110. The burger includes kobe beef and foie gras etc. and all ingredients are imported so it costs a lot.

When the ten thousand dollar martini was launched at the Algonquin in New York City it sort of made sense because there was a certain elegance to it. SORT of made sense because there's enough people in New York or who come to New York that can afford to dump a thousand bucks on a martini. Furthermore, a martini is a more or less elegant drink and the drink came with several diamonds which retain value.

The thousand dollar omelette was slightly more ill conceived because it really did cost that and once you were done you were done. Still, it was being sold in New York which, as a city, is a monument to capitalism and excess so if you buy it then you can probably afford it and if you can't and you buy it you're just an idiot.

In parts of Jakarta people don't even earn half the cost of the hamburger in a month so it seems a little culturally displaced. Plus, the burger isn't REALLY selling that well.

Still - if you have a lot of money and no real brain capacity, Asia is increasingly the place to be, it seems.

Celebrity Madness

Little Britain's Matt Lucas gets married to his partner Kevin McGee over the weekend dressed in period attire.

Lindsay Lohan is taking pole dancing lessons and it's unexpectedly hard work. So hard in fact, she feels compelled to e mail everyone she knows a crazy message explaining how difficult it is for the cunts who strip. She's planning to get focused really soon.

Judith Reagan is fired but not because she's responsible for the recently canned "Ïf I Did It" OJ confession; one of the WORST TV and book ideas in the history of media. According to the New York Times it was because she's anti-Semitic.

It's no secret that it's fun to kick while Britney's down because she goes up and down a lot so you have to get in when she's at the right height. She's not just a bad parent, this time she's also a bad dog owner. When will someone tell the truth about her being a bad cook and a bad daughter? We want all encompassing delapidation.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Week #50 In Review

This was presented on D List Radio for the week dated December 16, 2006

This week was chock full of dead people. ,Left right and center people were either already dead, narrowly escaping death, Dead on the inside experiencing problems because of people they were once married to but who are now dead or they were the opposite OF death – ie, they had just been born. More or less. I just needed an angle. .

Like Yoko Ono who was threatened this week with involuntary death by her chauffeur on the anniversary of John Lennon’s death. He also tried to extort 2 million bucks from her threatening to go public with tapes of her talking.

Dead on the inside Nicole Ritchie, after being picked up for DUI after smoking pot and taking vicodin claimed she never drank or took drugs – except for once a month for period cramps.

The Dead Princess Diana – who was accidentally killed – it’s now official, has been dead for a while now it seems. Long enough to warrant another concert on her behalf that her sons are more or less producing.

Rosie O’Donnell was offensive to the Chinese who probably considered her DEAD to them and Tori Spelling, after her father DIED and left her dead broke had a garage sale where she sold signed photos of her when she was in the now dead series, Beverly Hills 90210.

The unnecessarily sexualized reporting on how beautiful Shiloh Pitt is continued this week as photos were set to be published. Shiloh was only just born – which is the opposite of being killed. And being killed as we all know is something that eventuates in death.

SO – death aside – a whole lot more happened under the radar and so here THOSE stories are. The not necessarily DEATH fixated stories you didn’t hear about from this the 50th week of 2006.

Moral panic and soul crushing embarrassment took over this week in the little Swedish town of Fjuckby as residents started to break down and cry over how embarrassing the pronounciation of their town’s name is. They suddenly decided that Fuckby isn’t a good name to have in front of the English even though the word fuck is more or less the same in Swedish as it is in English so it seems like maybe the small village committee that is complaining is doing so because they might now in fact have anything else to do.

And speaking of being in a state of panic, airline passengers were probably panicking in Ankara Turkey this week when their flights were delayed after a group of technicians, happy that they didn’t have to deal with a bunch of dilapidated airplane parts celebrated by sacrificing a camel on the tarmac.

Speaking of killing an animal that looks like a horse but isn’t as common, a hunter in Wisconsin this week accidentally hit a deer with his truck and killed it. When he examined it he noticed it had essentially 7 legs and male and female genitals. That didn’t stop him from eating it later that day.

Two elderly women that live in the tiny Serbian town of Grade are the only ones who live there and it was reported in the international press this week that the two have been fighting in the local media rather than speaking face to face for three years now.

Speaking of lashing out for no good reason, hardcore Christians were celebrating this week at the release of a video game set after the apocalypse where the object is to either convert people you meet to Christianity or slaughter them mercilessly which is more or less what they do in every day. With this video game however, actual children are in control rather than adults who merely act like children..

If teaching children to be intolerant of people who don’t agree with them by having them play a video game like that isn’t enough right wing propaganda for you, then rest easy because republican Senator Bob Beers of Nevada kept the quota of inane right wing bullshit up this week when he announced he will be presenting a bill that will mean high school teachers will carry guns in the classroom. Not surprisingly, when he announced it people weren’t ecstatic.

But while teachers around the world probably won’t be threatening to kill students in class any time soon, a teacher in England wasn’t stopped from killing her student’s sense of innocence when she announced that Santa, fairies and elves don’t exist. She was fired when countless children went home crying.

Without a job and a record of intolerance, it seems that before this week that mean hearted teacher wouldn’t have had many career prospects but she can brighten the hell up because Nigeria is looking for a new leader and integrity is only considered 10% of the job and pleasantness isn’t even on the job description. 29 candidates are being screened right now by the bullying People’s Democratic Party.

And finally, to end on a charming note about avoiding premature death, a man who would probably have spent a year or two being made to feel like a pointless freak before he faded into obscurity took a step up from garden variety freakdom this week when he was called to help rescue some dolphins in China. The tallest man in the world – who also apparently has the longest arms reached his arm inside the gullets of two dolphins who had mistakenly eaten plastic to remove it before they died and was successful. Good old people who don’t fit in. Where would we be without them? That’s right. Probably dead.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Good old insane Republican Senators are always a reliable source of solid, totally disconnected yet media worthy hysteria laced ideas on how to solve "social problems".

Why, without Republican Senators we wouldn't have such gems as extravagantly ineffective guilt laced abstinence being thrust upon high school students, the conclusion that gay marriage would lead to a national outbreak of people marrying their pets, and the notion that creationism is science.

But it's been at least several minutes since an entitlement saturated Republican piped up with another inane idea designed to stir passion in the hearts of alienated and bored suburbanites so thank goodness for Senator Bob Beers of Nevada.

Beers recently let it be known that he's currently working on a bill that would allow teachers to be armed with guns to protect themselves in the classroom. While he cited no real study or survey that would suggest his idea was even in the collective consciousness let alone a popular one he did say he "would expect enough teachers would be interested" in participating in his new disciplinary tactic.

It goes without say that more or less the entire universe is against Beers on this one.
A little while ago there was the story of the Nazi Gingerbread Men in Ohio that had to be removed from the front window of a store. Apparently residents of the small town didn't like the idea of gazing at shop front displays of the Third Reich, let alone the prosect of eating one. You learn something new about people every day.

Sticking to his rather sardonic guns, the artist - Mr McGuckin - has set up his crisp, spicy Aryan-centric display, which he has titled "The Secret Lives of Gingerbread Men" in the front window of an empty shopfront in another town just days before Hannukah.

Could anything be more innocent and horrifyingly inappropriate at the same time?
Residents of the small Swedish village of "Fjuckby" are upset about relentless international ridicule and sniggering at the naughtiness of their town's name and are now campaigning for a new one.
Everything about this story is hilarious.

Firstly, the fact that a town name more or less forces matronly women to say the word "fuck" in everyday language is genius. There's nothing funnier than a ham-like matron opening her eyes widely and saying a naughty word against her will.

Secondly, the (self appointed - well, not necessarily but it's hilarious to think about pushy women who appoint themselves spokespeople for a small village that is offended by something) spokeswoman for the town said the following:

"There should not be any doubt at all that, as a result of relatively new associations, the pronunciation and spelling of the place name 'Fjuckby', today arouses ridicule, teasing and hilarity in the general public," wrote inhabitant Katriina Flensburg on behalf of her fellow villagers.

And thirdly, derivatives of the word "fuck" in English can be traced back to Shakespeare not to mention the fact that the middle section of the word "fjuckby" actually means the same in Swedish as "fuck" does in English.

Oh, you villagers. . .with your dog like nature that adores being kicked...

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Two Florida residents lived for two and half years with a hive in their roof that grew ever larger as the days went by. At the end of two and a half years, they finally called a pest controller who removed 3 million bees from their roof along with 60 pounds of honey.

60 pounds of what is actually probably quite rare ceiling honey.

Best quote in the reporting of this story, and possibly the best quote in any written story:

"So we're trying to, like, get rid of most of them, but without professional help we can't. So now we almost … They're biting me!'" Molina screamed, running from the home during an interview with reporters.

The thing about this story that really stands out immediately is firstly, bees don't bite - they sting. They are STINGING you, Molina. STINGING.

Also, how exactly did they get the 3 million figure?

So many inaccuracies. TOO many really but that doesn't stop it from being something to write about.
Deer hunter Rick Lisko of Wisconsin went hunting and three deer ran in front of his truck. Two got away but sadly, the third was hit and it died. When he examined the deer he hit he found it more or less had 7 legs and male and female genitals. Were the other two deer just leading this strange deer variant to its death for their own amusement? Of course they were. It was classic high school bullying and this time it went too far.

Best quote ever:

"And by the way, I did eat it," Lisko said. "It was tasty."

What does this prove? It proves that even if you're a hermaphrodite amorphic blob who looks more or less unlike everyone else on the outside - on the inside you'll probably taste just like everyone else.
Unless you're as media savvy and desperate for attention as someone like Reichen (who, frankly, really didn't have enough actual "talent" to remain a celebrity anyway) there aren't too many things you can parlay the title of "Tallest Man in the World" into. There's no column waiting to be written and there's certainly no breakfast cereal for you to endorse.

Despite this fundamental truth, there appeared to be a media opportunity for The Tallest Man in the World - one Bao Xishun from Inner Mongolia and he was sharp enough to pick up on it and run.

When two dolphins absent mindedly ate the side of their plastic pool they fell ill Bao Xishun from Inner Mongolia slowly worked his abnormally long and probably freakish arms into the necks of those dolphins and fished (ha!) that plastic out from their stomachs. Seeing as only the hate-ridden are indifferent to the plight of dolphins, he is now more or less an international hero.

Celebrity animal rescuing aside, there are plenty of things he could develop this into. For instance, he could freelance as a celebrity farm animal birther or he could go into business as a professional fister for the chronically needy who look for sincere depth rather than width per se.
Celebrity Madness

Yoko Ono's driver is charged with threatening to extort millions from her on the Anniversary of John Lennon's death. Would Yoko Ono cease, at least in part, to exist if people didn't hate and blame her on some level?

The always calming news stories about Shiloh Pitt that use the "World's Sexiest Baby" angle continue as photos are about to be released.

Nicole Ritchie claims that she only takes vicodin once a month for menstrual cramps and that she doesn't drink alcohol or even coffee.

The now officially "accidentally killed" Princess Diana is being commemorated by concert in part produced by her two sons. They want to take the focus off the horror. Tickets sell out in 20 minutes.

The Golden Globe nominations seep out.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Like some kind of hilarious sitcom happening in real life, two elderly women; Ruzica Markovic and Ljubica Paunovic, in the no doubt quaint and always pleasant rural Serbian town of Grade (a name that is only one letter away from "Grate") live with no running water, television, electricity or access to radio at all. In fact, they're more or less the only people who live in the town.

What would you do when you're an elderly woman and you have no modern resources and only one other person to talk to? You'd do exactly what Ruzica and Ljubica are currently doing. Don't move out and seek a more comfortable life - just pick on each other's cows and fixate on fierce bickering and don't ever speak except through the local newspapers.

The only thing stopping this scenario from being a brilliant half hour sitcom on the BBC starring an elderly Penelope Keith is a talking homosexual cat.
Anyone reviewing a list of the most recent fines introduced by the Turkish government, and lets face it, who isn't doing that THESE days at least during time off, will have noticed a rather odd fine that's popped up which specifically targets people who tend to slaughter animals outside specialised facilities.

Wonder what prompted that? Are there many people slaughtering animals outside specialised facilities? What is a specialised facility?

Well, while it would take a little bit of scouting around to find out the answer to the last question there and therefore it's not going to be answered here, the first question can be answered pretty simply:

Rather than go out for a drink or perhaps go out to eat a celebratory meal without alcohol if you're dealing with people who don't drink - some airline employees decided to mark their happiness at work by sacrificing a camel on the tarmac.

They got that camel and slaughtered it in an offering to their bloodthirsty God in thanks for a recent lessening in their work load. They were fired.

Best quote ever:

The sacrificing of a camel at Turkey's busiest airport was regarded as a disgrace.
As they take time out from protesting whichever cultural object is easiest to package into the focus of hate and disapproval in order to produce a feeling of relief at the idea of going to heaven - a practise not entirely dissimilar to being addicted to heroin - a hard core set of Christians have been promoting a video game called Left Behind: Eternal Forces (the "left behind" part refers to being left behind after the apocalypse) where the object is to run around either converting non-believers to Christianity or you just kill them.

Sort of like Christians in real life but this time, actual children can really take control and make the decisions - not just adults who act like children.

To be fair, progressive Christian groups are horrified and are calling for the game to be removed from Wal-Mart (obviously) shelves. Wal-Mart so far has no plans to remove it.

Best arbitrary justification of hard core violence within the context of elitest religious bigotry:

Left Behind Games' president Jeffrey Frichner insists the game is actually pacifist because players lose 'spirit points' every time they gun down nonbelievers instead of converting them.
"You are fighting a defensive battle in the game," he said. "You are a sort of a freedom fighter."

Ah yes - that balances it out. Let the children learn to kill those who aren't like them.
In a scene that could EASILY have been the result of a pleasant inter-species high tea gone horrifyingly wrong, police in New Jersey stumbled upon seven beheaded animals; three chickens, three pigeons and a fish on a central beach.

All seven animals were found in a bag which suggests that perhaps they were to be discarded with the garbage. Or that they were in fact discarded with the garbage. They certainly weren't laid out in a warehouse surrounded by candles.The police, though, have no leads.

Anyway - obviously, either they were all stricken with the plague or demonic possession and their owner had to behead them to prevent the evil from seeping out into the atmosphere - sort of like how you kill vampires. That's one option. OR they all stood up in a restaurant where the ceiling fan was too low and there was some unpleasantness.
You could more or less go on forever.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

The Race to Become Most Unpleasant European Nation in which to Celebrate Christmas 2006

No nation so far has done as well in the relentless, grass roots pursuit of general displeasure this Christmas as the UK. Many of the other nations outshine the UK in more macro political gestures that call upon national shame, irritation or sadness but the UK has stuck to its guns on the grass roots level of needless bureaucracy and the abolition of sensual pleasure.

Take this latest development in the race to become the most Unpleasant European Nation in which to celebrate Christmas 2006. A vicar in London has decided to ban the image of Santa Claus from his Church, opting instead for a purely manger-focused Christmas display during the holiday season. The vicar claims:

"I do not believe that Father Christmas should be part of church services any more than Santa's grotto should have a manger and a baby Jesus present."

Except that no one representing Santa Claus has ever made a statement against the manger so really this is just an example of exclusion by the Church. Exclusion by the Church is, again, not a new thing but really using it needlessly on this level that more or less effects only children is a very strong move on behalf of the English.

Actually, when you think about it, no one represents Santa Claus at all; he has no lawyers, no manager, no agent. Santa Claus would do well to think about who is out there pounding the pavement for him if he wants to stay in the game. Especially at a time when European Nations are practically at war with one another to destroy Christmas happiness - however it may manifest itself.

Which nation will win the apparently coveted title of "Most Unpleasant European Nation in which to Celebrate Christmas 2006"?

With England proving it has what it takes to go slow but steady on a grass root level it seems the competition is more compelling than ever before but England is well and truly taking the lead.
Stephen Murmer , an art teacher in Virginia has been suspended because he paints pictures of flowers using his ass as the initial imprint before he gets to the actual fine detailing. Apparently, the PTA and other teachers were a little perturbed by the nature of his art and had him banned...from the school for five days and they initiated an investigation.

But this story isn't as sordid as it sounds. He painted the images and exhibited them under a different name and he didn't show them to students at the school. Plus, he was actually quite popular with students.

What comes across with this story is that it appears Stephen Murmer was popular, too popular. So popular, in fact, that the other teachers felt threatened. Threatened by his likeability. So they plotted and had him removed. It's always about complex politics when you get right down to it.

It isn't too hard to see that Stephen Murmer is an American hero and a patriot.
While erecting a Christmas tree shaped like a phallus in a position in your home in suburban Yorkshire where most of the neighbours can see it would seem a perfectly reasonable Christmas activity to anyone ELSE, apparently it wasn't necessarily reasonable to the neighbours of good natured larrakin, Alan Parkin, 57. The police put an end to his hilarious pornament-esque approach to celebrating the birth of Christ and a fragment of the dirty aspects of Yorkshire's soul died a little.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Tired of your daily data entry clerk grind? Sick of working in that part of the city you'd never go to if you didn't work there? Looking to try and secure a position in a more creative work environment with scope to move up to a more fulfilling managerial position?

Why not simply apply to run Nigeria? The African nation.

Nigeria is currently looking for someone to lead its People's Democratic Party and they've come up with a basic personality breakdown description that is about as clear and practical as you'd really hope for in such a personnel search.

Patriotism, 10 percent. Integrity, 15 percent. Ethnic neutrality, 10 percent. Knowledge of rule of law, 10 percent. Tolerance, 5 percent. Transparency, 10 percent. Knowledge of development in Nigeria, 10 percent. Leadership qualities, 15 percent.

While they don't specify the remaining 15% applicants would be wise to emphasise "attention to detail" , "multi-tasking" or "advanced knowledge of Microsoft Office".

Elections aren't until next April but you'd want to get in now just to show how keen you are to work with for Nigeria. With a year of ruling Nigeria on your resume, a (middle management) editorial job at Conde Nast isn't out of the question at all.
The new Iranian initiative which sees women being allowed to drive taxis in Iran that transport women only for the "The Ladies' Safe Trips" taxi company is sort of a catch 22 opportunity for Iranian women.

Obviously, it allows women the chance to work and to operate in society which is a good thing. The trouble is, only married women are allowed to drive taxis because they have to reinforce the extent to which it's not alright for women to be outside and functioning unless they're attached to a man.

But, of course, this is a taxi company devised to assist women who apparently "feel uncomfortable riding in close proximity with members of the opposite sex". Yes, that's right - the cultural de-humanising of women to the extent that they're treated like cattle is because of a fear women feel. Not insecure, entitlement laden men at all. No, it's the women who ultimately like to be quarantined.

The Race to Become Most Unpleasant European Nation in which to Celebrate Christmas 2006

With one simple gesture, the UK has well and truly charged to the lead of the race this Christmas. A teacher in Boldmere Junior School in Sutton Coldfield, West Midlands traumatised some of the less cynical of her students by telling them flat out (no doubt while lighting a cigar and pouring a glass of whiskey) that Santa doesn't exist.

Traumatised children went home and told their parents who promptly complained but here is the quote that really solidifed England's leading position.

According to the Sun, mum Amanda Piovesana, 30, said: "It's taken away the magic."

Exactly. It's taken away the magic.
And that's what the competition is really all about when you're attempting to be the most unpleasant European nation in which to spend Christmas 2006. It's about destroying Christmas magic.

But the teacher at Boldmere Junior School didn't just ruin innocent enchantment with Santa. No, she also explained away fairies and elves too. So, it was a triple whammy.

The only thing that takes away from this situation being a supreme victory is the fact that the teacher was fired. Firing the teacher negatively reinforces a move that could, if repeated en masse win England the title this year.
Which nation will win the apparently coveted title of "Most Unpleasant European Nation in which to Celebrate Christmas 2006"?

With England now blatantly attacking it's own youth it seems many of the other nations, nations who had shown strong presence over the last week, may have to work a lot harder to take this away from England.
Celebrity Madness

Rancid, sexist, asshole Republican frat boys lose suit against Borat. Legal documents of their suit can be found here.

Nicole Ritchie is arrested for DUI. She'd taken a vicodin and had smoked pot but wasn't drunk.

Rosie O'Donnell makes a simplistic joke about how the Chinese media portrayed Danny Devito being drunk on The View. No one laughs because it's a lame joke, local Chinese leaders take official offense.

Tori Spelling has a garage sale.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Week #49 In Review

This was presented on D List Radio for the week dated December 9, 2006

If there was a catch phrase that really got to the bleeding irritating heart of this week it would have to be “Won’t somebody PLEASE THINK of the Children?!” and MY God it was as compelling to read about and watch as it was nauseating.

Mary Cheney, it was announced this week, is pregnant, which of course means that someday she’ll have to explain to the little one that the extended family think it’s a bastard but that it’s more or less all Grandpa’s fault, Britney’s shaven vagina flashing antics caused her to have to make an hilarious joke about Victoria Secret underwear on her website to make it all ok but it may have been too late because child protection agencies, Bette Midler and Courtney Love for Christ’s sake all jumped on the “Britney’s a bad mother” bandwagon. Meanwhile, Kevin Federline has never looked hotter in his new clothes and neat hair and repressed alpha male smirk.

Way out of left field this week Courtney Love made the claim that Prince Andrew turned up to her place at 1am looking for love and he actually confirmed that he more or less had- minus, of course, the looking for love bit. Lance Bass and Reichen broke up just in time for the publicity surrounding Reichen’s book to have milked all he could get out of it, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are in marriage counseling, Lindsay Lohan e mailed everyone she knows a bizarre rant saying she was going to work with Al Gore to save the world and Jessica Simpson completely ruined everything when she fucked up a version of Nine to Five. She ran off stage an d apologized to Dolly Parton. No one clapped.

But, you know, the emotional failure of some of our nearest and dearest celebrities is not anything new but what are new, are the following stories that you probably didn’t hear about this week. These are the stories that more or less passed under the radar of This the 49th week of 2006.

Terror beyond anything anyone could have imaged ensued this week about an American Airlines flight when a woman farted and lit a match to cover the putrid intestinal rotting shit smell that lingered powerfully in her rectum as a result of what she later described is a medical condition. The plane was immediately diverted to Nashville, everyone on board was evacuated, the FBI questioned all passengers and when they realized that it was just a fart related incident, they let everyone go on their way.

And speaking of massively unimportant crises where the official reaction is steeped in overkill, England, in it’s pursuit of the award for “Most Unpleasant European Nation within which to spend Christmas 2006” has gone to the trouble of creating a health scare around minced fruit pies – a traditional dessert at Christmas in the UK. This move comes hot on the heels of information that 3 out of 4 offices in England have banned Christmas decorations.

But Holiday misery brought about by shrill idiots isn’t limited to the UK, surprisingly, because small bands of evangelists in Florida, all pepped up on self righteous angst have come out in force this week to protest the selling of naughty themed Christmas ornaments entitled “pornaments”. Apparently the largest religious holiday of the year wasn’t enough to distract them from the fact that their lives still lack a basic point.

A man in Mississippi this week knew exactly what he was doing however, when he walked into a hotel in West Point Mississippi and threw a pig at the hotel clerk. And it wasn’t the first time either. Someone did the same thing with another pig and two possums as well. And speaking of doing odd things with animals, a Russian woman smuggling a collection of uncut diamonds through customs in Moscow hid them cannily inside a dead fish. She assumed the dead fish would repulse immigration officials but sadly, the inane logic only intrigued them though and they are currently investigating the diamonds.

Harrods in London sacked a racist, pederast toilet mouthed old man this week from acting as Santa in its flagship store after he insulted and Indian family and tried to seduce their teenaged daughter by asking her to come sit on his lap and Dutch people who are crippled with loneliness can breathe a sigh of relief and take their heads out of the oven this holiday season because a Dutch production company this week released a DVD with footage of 6 different types of dinner party guests so people can watch them on TV and not feel so alone.

And finally, People who like eating lard may or may not have been uncontrollably throwing up in China this week when it was discovered that a lard processing factory had been producing lard that was riddled with sewerage and industrial waste and selling it at half the price of regular lard. He’d been fined and shut down but my GOD the passion he felt for producing toxic animal fat and shipping it to the stores was so great that he just kept going under the safety of night and people kept getting sick until finally the Chinese government really stepped in and shut him down. For the Chinese government to step in due to health code violations takes some real fucking work.

Friday, December 08, 2006

In what can only be considered one of the most dramatic and appropriate ways for a drag queen to die, Joan Montegracia channeled the artistic ghost of Andy Kauffman, walked out on stage, picked up the mic and dropped to the ground - electrocuted as a result of a small puddle and some faulty wiring in the microphone.

The crowd cheered as they thought it was part of the show but Joan was actually and tragically dead.

A spokesperson for the competition in Manila said they were still trying to figure out the identity of the performer which leads on to perhaps the most pressing question of all:

What kind of filing system is used by that International Drag Festival in Caloocan City that they can't ascertain the names of their contestants and at what point will a proper admin assistant be hired?

The Race to Become Most Unpleasant European Nation in which to Celebrate Christmas 2006

While there's little doubt the English have pioneered an impressively unpleasant and sad agenda this Christmas on a grass roots level by outlawing celebratory ornaments in offices, until now it hasn't really expanded to a macro political level. If England is hoping for the title of Most Unpleasant European Nation in which to Celebrate Christmas 2006 (even though technically, it's not a European nation) it will need to up the ante and get the disappointment flowing if it hopes to compete against the consistently repellent Germany.

Home Secretary John Reid is at breaking point about it and has come out saying he's "sick and tired" of hearing about how people are banning Christmas decorations and a lack of common sense.

And what he's saying is more or less true but a lack of common sense is exactly the kind of thing that will secure England AS the most unpleasant place in which to spend Christmas so, obviously there's internal struggle with the English about which way they're heading this Holiday season.

Still, if the results from a recent survey which suggests that 3 out of 4 offices have banned Christmas decorations are to be beleived, then a truly bland and unnecessarily controlled Christmas is in order for the English. One that should have competing nations Germany, Austria and Sweden really examining their approaches and considering their next move carefully.

Which nation will win the apparently coveted title of "Most Unpleasant European Nation in which to Celebrate Christmas 2006"?

With England upping the stakes to a level involving elected officials it seems the competition is more compelling than ever before.
After being "accidentally"shot up the nose by her brother, Sue Allaker of East Yorkshire did what anyone else who didn't die or suffer incomprehensible neurological damage would do; she more or less got on with her life.
Imagine her surprise when, one can only imagine, she'd put all that horror behind her and, it's safe to assume, she finally found herself able to breathe normally when in the same room as her brother not to mention probably being able to finally sleep at night for fear of explosions...explosions in her face...unrelenting pain and burning that just wouldn't go away as she lay there vulnerable and attacked, beasts attacking her face and wars, the wars of a thousand years happening in front of her bound naked body...she coughed and 21 years later, a pellet popped out of her mouth.

The pellet had remained lodged in her body until now. Reports say she went to the kitchen to see what was in her mouth without seeming rude in front of the family and that's when she discovered it.

While her inner peace may have partially died when she was shot in the face by her brother at least, it seems, Sue Allaker's manners had not.