Sunday, December 17, 2006

Week #50 In Review

This was presented on D List Radio for the week dated December 16, 2006

This week was chock full of dead people. ,Left right and center people were either already dead, narrowly escaping death, Dead on the inside experiencing problems because of people they were once married to but who are now dead or they were the opposite OF death – ie, they had just been born. More or less. I just needed an angle. .

Like Yoko Ono who was threatened this week with involuntary death by her chauffeur on the anniversary of John Lennon’s death. He also tried to extort 2 million bucks from her threatening to go public with tapes of her talking.

Dead on the inside Nicole Ritchie, after being picked up for DUI after smoking pot and taking vicodin claimed she never drank or took drugs – except for once a month for period cramps.

The Dead Princess Diana – who was accidentally killed – it’s now official, has been dead for a while now it seems. Long enough to warrant another concert on her behalf that her sons are more or less producing.

Rosie O’Donnell was offensive to the Chinese who probably considered her DEAD to them and Tori Spelling, after her father DIED and left her dead broke had a garage sale where she sold signed photos of her when she was in the now dead series, Beverly Hills 90210.

The unnecessarily sexualized reporting on how beautiful Shiloh Pitt is continued this week as photos were set to be published. Shiloh was only just born – which is the opposite of being killed. And being killed as we all know is something that eventuates in death.

SO – death aside – a whole lot more happened under the radar and so here THOSE stories are. The not necessarily DEATH fixated stories you didn’t hear about from this the 50th week of 2006.

Moral panic and soul crushing embarrassment took over this week in the little Swedish town of Fjuckby as residents started to break down and cry over how embarrassing the pronounciation of their town’s name is. They suddenly decided that Fuckby isn’t a good name to have in front of the English even though the word fuck is more or less the same in Swedish as it is in English so it seems like maybe the small village committee that is complaining is doing so because they might now in fact have anything else to do.

And speaking of being in a state of panic, airline passengers were probably panicking in Ankara Turkey this week when their flights were delayed after a group of technicians, happy that they didn’t have to deal with a bunch of dilapidated airplane parts celebrated by sacrificing a camel on the tarmac.

Speaking of killing an animal that looks like a horse but isn’t as common, a hunter in Wisconsin this week accidentally hit a deer with his truck and killed it. When he examined it he noticed it had essentially 7 legs and male and female genitals. That didn’t stop him from eating it later that day.

Two elderly women that live in the tiny Serbian town of Grade are the only ones who live there and it was reported in the international press this week that the two have been fighting in the local media rather than speaking face to face for three years now.

Speaking of lashing out for no good reason, hardcore Christians were celebrating this week at the release of a video game set after the apocalypse where the object is to either convert people you meet to Christianity or slaughter them mercilessly which is more or less what they do in every day. With this video game however, actual children are in control rather than adults who merely act like children..

If teaching children to be intolerant of people who don’t agree with them by having them play a video game like that isn’t enough right wing propaganda for you, then rest easy because republican Senator Bob Beers of Nevada kept the quota of inane right wing bullshit up this week when he announced he will be presenting a bill that will mean high school teachers will carry guns in the classroom. Not surprisingly, when he announced it people weren’t ecstatic.

But while teachers around the world probably won’t be threatening to kill students in class any time soon, a teacher in England wasn’t stopped from killing her student’s sense of innocence when she announced that Santa, fairies and elves don’t exist. She was fired when countless children went home crying.

Without a job and a record of intolerance, it seems that before this week that mean hearted teacher wouldn’t have had many career prospects but she can brighten the hell up because Nigeria is looking for a new leader and integrity is only considered 10% of the job and pleasantness isn’t even on the job description. 29 candidates are being screened right now by the bullying People’s Democratic Party.

And finally, to end on a charming note about avoiding premature death, a man who would probably have spent a year or two being made to feel like a pointless freak before he faded into obscurity took a step up from garden variety freakdom this week when he was called to help rescue some dolphins in China. The tallest man in the world – who also apparently has the longest arms reached his arm inside the gullets of two dolphins who had mistakenly eaten plastic to remove it before they died and was successful. Good old people who don’t fit in. Where would we be without them? That’s right. Probably dead.

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