The Reluctant Whore

Week #48 In Review

This was presented on D List Radio for the week dated December 2, 2006


Just when the seemingly endless closet exiting parade of self righteous right wing Christians had finally come to end, this week proved that celebrity culture still had plenty of horror up its sleeve. There was obviously the multiple opportunities we were granted by Britney Spears to see her hairless vagina that finally removed the last dangling thread of mystery about her heavily marketed body. Then there was the sleep deprived and extra drunk Danny deVito who went on the View and did a mumbling impersonation of George Bush and then talked in detail about having sex with his wife in the White House which of course, calmed everyone who heard it.

The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes honeymoon continued this week as Tom, Katie and the best man were in the Maldives together and it was reported that Katie was mysteriously unhappy about something. It hard to imagine her as capable of emotional response any more so it did warrant a headline I suppose.

Elton John walked on stage in Brisbane, Australia this week and promptly vomited and Michael Richards, post racist tyraid began the exhaustive apologetic climb back up the hill to re-gain whatever level of respect he had before he called that guy a nigger when he flipped out after being heckled.

But, we’ve heard all this before…it’s seemingly everywhere. It is in every corner of the media and in fact it’s in my EYE right NOW so it is my great pleasure to bring you the stories you probably had no idea about from this, the 48th week of 2006.

Animal fucking is BACK and it’s more disgustingly fascinating than ever before with news that emerged this week that a woman in rural Australia was found naked in a field being fucked by a horse. Obviously the reports didn’t say fuck but they did say she’s going to be tried for bestiality and offensive conduct… We were offended of course, but not nearly as offended as the nameless person who called the police. No doubt after jacking off in the bushes and then being racked with guilt at what kind of monster he or she felt she was.

Speaking of horror that cuts right to the core of humanity and then some, Christian activists in Germany and Austria are working as hard as they can to ban the image of Santa Claus from being exhibited this Christmas because they say that the nation has lost sight of what Christmas is about. Consequently punishing thousands and thousands of children should get them back on track. Because pain is the cleanser when you’re a righteous Christian and you can never be too young to start fixating. Particularly when you’re German.

Santa isn’t necessarily all good either though, at least that’s what some OTHER Germans were shrieking this week in Berlin when they saw a shopfront display that had a model of Santa Claus pointing up to the sky in a manner reminiscent of the Hitler salute. After much bewildering hysteria and irrational misplaced fear was the winner and the Santas were removed from 1200 outlets.

It wasn’t all bad news out of Germany this week though because it was announced this week that German scientists are leading the way in designing a new type of contraception for men which merely involved spraying on a thin layer of latex that could potentially replace the condom. The new spray can condom is meant to hit shelves by 2008.

A South African man got in trouble this week when he sent a note to his employer saying that he couldn’t come to work because he was pregnant and a man in Georgia was arrested this week after he tried to force his wife into the family oven in front of their kids on Thanksgiving Day.

If you’re looking to buy all the gifts from the old Carol “the Twelve Days of Christmas” this year, it was reported this week that you’ll need 3% more than you would have spent last year. For all those gifts the cost works out at $18920. The real stab to the wallet this year comes when you try and arrange the Lords a Leaping, Ladies Dancing and Pipers Piping. Gold Ring prices are down. Still got billions of dollars and only one brain cell? Why not simply go to Hong Kong and pay 20 million bucks for a teacup. That’s what Alice Cheng of Shanghai did this week at an auction of Chinese ceramics. She said she never expected to care about the cup but the found herself interested.

And finally, in a survey this week about what the English think about things (because so many of us asked), it was revealed that 2/3 of the English population believe that Arrabiata is actually an STD rather than a spicy pasta sauce. Still, to their credit, the English have never done well with food so maybe, when you get right down to it Arrabiata sauce in England isn’t too far off from a disease that disrupts happiness.