Sunday, December 10, 2006

Week #49 In Review

This was presented on D List Radio for the week dated December 9, 2006

If there was a catch phrase that really got to the bleeding irritating heart of this week it would have to be “Won’t somebody PLEASE THINK of the Children?!” and MY God it was as compelling to read about and watch as it was nauseating.

Mary Cheney, it was announced this week, is pregnant, which of course means that someday she’ll have to explain to the little one that the extended family think it’s a bastard but that it’s more or less all Grandpa’s fault, Britney’s shaven vagina flashing antics caused her to have to make an hilarious joke about Victoria Secret underwear on her website to make it all ok but it may have been too late because child protection agencies, Bette Midler and Courtney Love for Christ’s sake all jumped on the “Britney’s a bad mother” bandwagon. Meanwhile, Kevin Federline has never looked hotter in his new clothes and neat hair and repressed alpha male smirk.

Way out of left field this week Courtney Love made the claim that Prince Andrew turned up to her place at 1am looking for love and he actually confirmed that he more or less had- minus, of course, the looking for love bit. Lance Bass and Reichen broke up just in time for the publicity surrounding Reichen’s book to have milked all he could get out of it, Madonna and Guy Ritchie are in marriage counseling, Lindsay Lohan e mailed everyone she knows a bizarre rant saying she was going to work with Al Gore to save the world and Jessica Simpson completely ruined everything when she fucked up a version of Nine to Five. She ran off stage an d apologized to Dolly Parton. No one clapped.

But, you know, the emotional failure of some of our nearest and dearest celebrities is not anything new but what are new, are the following stories that you probably didn’t hear about this week. These are the stories that more or less passed under the radar of This the 49th week of 2006.

Terror beyond anything anyone could have imaged ensued this week about an American Airlines flight when a woman farted and lit a match to cover the putrid intestinal rotting shit smell that lingered powerfully in her rectum as a result of what she later described is a medical condition. The plane was immediately diverted to Nashville, everyone on board was evacuated, the FBI questioned all passengers and when they realized that it was just a fart related incident, they let everyone go on their way.

And speaking of massively unimportant crises where the official reaction is steeped in overkill, England, in it’s pursuit of the award for “Most Unpleasant European Nation within which to spend Christmas 2006” has gone to the trouble of creating a health scare around minced fruit pies – a traditional dessert at Christmas in the UK. This move comes hot on the heels of information that 3 out of 4 offices in England have banned Christmas decorations.

But Holiday misery brought about by shrill idiots isn’t limited to the UK, surprisingly, because small bands of evangelists in Florida, all pepped up on self righteous angst have come out in force this week to protest the selling of naughty themed Christmas ornaments entitled “pornaments”. Apparently the largest religious holiday of the year wasn’t enough to distract them from the fact that their lives still lack a basic point.

A man in Mississippi this week knew exactly what he was doing however, when he walked into a hotel in West Point Mississippi and threw a pig at the hotel clerk. And it wasn’t the first time either. Someone did the same thing with another pig and two possums as well. And speaking of doing odd things with animals, a Russian woman smuggling a collection of uncut diamonds through customs in Moscow hid them cannily inside a dead fish. She assumed the dead fish would repulse immigration officials but sadly, the inane logic only intrigued them though and they are currently investigating the diamonds.

Harrods in London sacked a racist, pederast toilet mouthed old man this week from acting as Santa in its flagship store after he insulted and Indian family and tried to seduce their teenaged daughter by asking her to come sit on his lap and Dutch people who are crippled with loneliness can breathe a sigh of relief and take their heads out of the oven this holiday season because a Dutch production company this week released a DVD with footage of 6 different types of dinner party guests so people can watch them on TV and not feel so alone.

And finally, People who like eating lard may or may not have been uncontrollably throwing up in China this week when it was discovered that a lard processing factory had been producing lard that was riddled with sewerage and industrial waste and selling it at half the price of regular lard. He’d been fined and shut down but my GOD the passion he felt for producing toxic animal fat and shipping it to the stores was so great that he just kept going under the safety of night and people kept getting sick until finally the Chinese government really stepped in and shut him down. For the Chinese government to step in due to health code violations takes some real fucking work.

No comments: