Tuesday, September 30, 2008

MTV reports that Janet Jackson was involved in a tech rehearsal for a show in Montreal that forms a part of her tour and was apparently rushed to the hospital, the show was re-scheduled. Everyone is speculating about what it is that caused her to get so maniacally sick all of a sudden and everyone is convinced it’s serious.

My first reaction was simply that she realized how ludicrous and annoying it was to call her tour the “Rock Witchu” tour and fainted. She’s clearly been drugged by her people so it was easier for them to convince her to agree to the title. [source]

Britney Spears just “dropped in” to the studios at Z100 FM here in New York and gave an impromptu interview and chatted about her new song, Womanizer, which I’ve heard but I haven’t really listened to yet. Yeah, totally. She totally just wandered into the studio and decided to give and interview. No prior communication at all. That’s just how those random guys fly over there at the hyper commercial station, Z100. Totally.

The host ran with the ball and asked her about her new album and whether or not she’ll be touring soon and she answered. I think, if I were in that situation the first question I would have asked Spears is “Are you alright?”

Plus, I mean, is she? Is she medicated? I think she’s medicated.

Here’s the preview to Madonna’s first film. And when I say first film, I’m assuming I’m doing that because that’s the line that’s being hammered into everyone’s skulls in relation to this. Granted she directed this one as opposed to the cultural travesties she’s starred in but the whole idea is that we consider this with a certain freshness.

What makes this seem like it might be ok is the fact that it is an indie film and she’s combined English grittiness with sex and violence. That could mean that she manages to transcend the fact that everything she does is a calculated business transaction and is the result of extremely well conducted market research. People, to date, haven’t bought her movies because they’ve all attempted to be big deal blockbuster types.

People want to not feel like they’re being bullied into liking Madonna when it comes to films. I mean, she bullies everyone else all the rest of the time, why can’t she just stop for a minute.

Maybe this film will be the stopping point. After all, she’s 50 and she can’t keep up the hard assed inhuman routine for long. Pretty soon her face will start to fall off and she won’t be able to claim supremacy in all fields. That’s why she did those short films showing her vacuuming. That was about trying to make her seem more human. People are sick of being bullied by Madonna, that’s my theory.

Page Six reports that People magazine paid a half a million dollars for the coming out story of Clay Aiken and the first pictures of his kid. As far as money for nothing goes, this really is amazing. It’s almost as amazing as paying Kim Kardashian, For anything at all.

OK! on the other hand, turned the story down and instead ran with a cover featuring Kim Kardashian who I used as an example of cultural failure in that paragraph entirely out of coincidence.

I’m actually on the side of OK. Sure they went with a nothing cover and Kim Kardashian is rapidly approaching the point in her career where she really does represent the lowest common denominator and she does it better than the ailing zeitgeist, Paris Hilton.

It would seem to me that the only people who would want to read about Clay Aiken's sexuality are his freaking weird, delusional emotionally frightened fag hag fans. Well, I would read about it but I'd be offended and probably nauseated the whole time.

Interestingly enough, I once helped plan an outing of Clay Aiken. A friend of mine has a really well known porn blog and he was on manhunt one night trying to get laid or something and ended up talking with Clay Aiken who sent him actual pictures. He wanted to use them to get some publicity for his blog but he didn’t want to unmask himself. He did the blog anonymously. So, we figured the solution was to go to Perez Hilton, offer him the exclusive and get a free ad for a week on Perez in exchange. The whole thing worked like clockwork. Part of the actual material that we had was the dialogue between my friend and Clay Aiken and it was like the entire time he was online all he wanted to do was make a big deal out of how he was recognizable and how the conversation had to remain secret because of that.

Good old reluctant whores. [source]

Monday, September 29, 2008

It’s taken a really long time for this to finally happen but it has now and I know I’m feeling a sense of completion: Adnan Ghalib is trying to sell a sex tape that features himself and Britney Spears, in Mexico, having sex for two hours.

"There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries.
"Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further. I am not interested in selling out any other details about Britney.”

Two hours of sex involving an unhinged aging pop music lolita and a metrosexual opportunistic paparazzo sounds like a winning deal for anyone so I can understand why Ghalib would say things like that. I almost sent him twenty bucks in the mail myself until I really restrained myself. It’s good that he’s stated him limits when it comes to selling out the woman he took advantage of.

True, he is trying to sell a porn video involving her so he can profit. But, you have to admit, he’s not standing there with a gun to her head forcing her to fuck a mule at a party attended by European millionaires so comparatively, he could be a lot worse. In fact, I won’t be sending him twenty bucks, but I may send him a voucher for a free cupcake at Magnolia Bakery for being an upstanding example of integrity and for not being an example of everything that is wrong with pop culture. [source]

Here’s a picture of Posh Spice and David Beckham at Macy’s at the weekend trying to encourage people to buy their new fragrance by standing near it as people took photos of them – that’s the way these things work. When she decided to get dressed that morning, Posh Spice put on a pair of $6,000 Antonio Berardi PVC boots that function as stiletto heels but do not actually have a heel attached to them.

The shoes look like a cross between something by Leigh Bowery mixed with the latex outfits people wear to tired fetish balls plus Betty Page. Oh, and I think there’s something sort of Mod/60s about it. No matter what, Antonio Berardi is rolling around in a pool of his own turtle wax with glee that his cruel shoes have made the papers.

I actually find it hard to believe that the heels are just NOT there. I suspect that the shoe is constructed so it has a lot of support in various areas and as such you can actually walk in them. So, either they’re not so painful but look like they are excruciating or they are as painful as they look and look excruciating. Either way, there’s crippling pain involved.

I think this is where Posh does her work. She will walk around in those heels all day, in crucifying pain – it’s not unreasonable to assume that her calves had to be anesthetized before the fitting to make sure she didn’t faint from the agony of wandering about demanding attention and customer compliance. But she does it. She does it anyway and she does it for her image. For that I am partially convinced that she has a job but not completely. I need to see her panic before I believe that.

TMZ reports that Heather Locklear was busted driving about LA, probably under the influence of prescription medication but not alcohol.

It never surprises me when something like this happens to Heather Locklear. She has this tone and look in her eye that speaks of a kind of generalized rage and I’m not saying this because she played Amanda Woodward who was ludicrously mean and angry and I cannot separate an actor from their character.

I just always expect Heather Locklear to reach out and tear someone’s face off but she always pushes that rage down and smiles and goes blond. She’s one of those thin, generally marketable blond women who are always smiling and working but underneath it she has to date the openly unhinged, substance abuse professional rioter who plays in the band. She’s a lot like Pam Anderson actually. Despite Anderson’s need for attention and abusive partner she is generally pretty well put together.

Heather Locklear needs for something chaotic to be happening at all times and so either she’s dating the drummer in the band or she’s dating someone generally well adjusted and she’s medicating and driving.

Heather Locklear is an interesting woman because she has the hard edge of Anna Wintour with the trash edge of Denise Richards. She’s the middle ground between those two. Also, I think she doesn’t look so bad in her mug shot – I mean, the mascara may be running a little from the tears that don’t seem to stop when she’s alone but she has virtually no fine lines and wrinkles despite being 60 and all her hair needs is some kind of de-frazzle inducing serum. You can get that at any pharmacy. Hell, she works for L’oreal, she could probably make a call and get some sent over. Maybe someone’s doing that now from having a look at her photo. I would think so. That’s what a staff is for; to pre-empt what you need. [source]

Friday, September 26, 2008

Here’s Lady Gaga failing to lip sync well enough to be convincing as both a singer and dancer. The part about this that I genuinely hate is actually just David Koch at the end of it when they cut back to the studio. Everything about him is contrived and fake. He does this good natured, slow spoken, Australian every man thing and that’s like nails on a chalk board for me. God, I hate that forced optimist shit. The thing is, David Koch is actually an analytical, right wing economist. He’s not your good natured guy next door.

The Lady Gaga thing, whatever, I mean, she can sing and dance. I think her whole angle is contrived but I’ve seen her live and very close up – she can do it. It was probably a technical complication that made them make this decision. The fact that Sunrise willingly went ahead with a lip synced performance and then did a backpedal over its policy is really just emblematic of everything about the concept of the Morning Show.

On the surface they’re one thing but underneath they’re another. Just like the host of Sunrise, David Koch. Morning television is the contemporary equivalent of the frightening game show. I really think that just as game shows can be used in films like Requiem for a Dream as a metaphor for insane pointless greed based propaganda circus that pervades western culture, the inanity of the phoned in perkiness of the Morning Talk show is just as telling and horrific. Except with the Morning Talk show it’s more about denial of crippling depression as a result of a total lack of purpose.

Here’s a viral video by Diesel. I can never, for the life of me, figure out how to genuinely give a shit about fashion probably because the people who characterize the industry are such obvious fucking rancid walking self hate fucktards that it’s just too much work for so little return. Regardless, this video is great and Diesel are generally pretty cool. I have some Diesel shit that I bought from the actual store in Union Square and in San Francisco. Somehow.

Ok, so I’m basically just hitting the bottom of the barrel with this stuff today. I interviewed a porn star named Brent Corrigan yesterday and have been furiously transcribing the entire thing so I can edit it, I am speaking tonight at Sugarland in Williamsburg at the roast of Adam Klesh and I’m pretty much convinced that my material is fool’s gold – ie you think its funny but it’s not in real life, I have been furiously chasing Fed Ex because they were meant to be shipping a vitally important box to me over night from California but they’ve failed relentlessly and so what was supposed to be an overnight priority shipping on Thursday will end up being a Tuesdsay afternoon delivery.

Regardless, here are three videos that don’t suck as much as Fed Ex. Fucking Fed Ex. They have ruined my foolproof plan to be invincible.

This is Sacha Baren Cohen getting thrown out of a fashion show in Milan. He walked in and just crashed the runway. I’m not sure how much his initially subversive behaviour will just end up being like Jackass or Mr Bean at the end of the day.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

While it’s ultimately more fulfilling on an emotional level to report that American Psycho is potentially to be turned into a musical for Broadway, the fact is, the news report only says that it is being considered for the stage. Got you right in the middle of that didn’t I? I didn’t explain it from beginning to end, I just went to the middle and ran for my own point. Ha! It’s a clever day for me for some reason.

I’m going insane for various reasons.

Anyway – perhaps a staged production would work, perhaps not – I really think you either have to go the full distance and turn it into an opera or not anything else at all. I mean, it would be so much more fulfilling if the entire thing was sung in partially atonal oratorio and the staging included three little suit clad interns who act as Patrick Bateman’s conscience and as the story’s narrator.

Maybe they could get Mario Lopez to play Patrick Bateman. I mean, he seems to be capable of doing practically anything with that fucking stupid tongue through the teeth grin and outrageous body. This may be the role that finally gives him some depth.

I would absolutely see American Psycho in a second if it were put on the stage in any incarnation. I cannot lie. [source]

People Magazine reports that Clay Aiken has finally come out of the closet. Gee, no shock there unless you’re a clueless idiot housewife from Wisconsin – which, judging by the Claymate message boards, is in fact the most vocal chunk of his fan base. Here’s one gem they posted:

"I just feel rather silly now having spent the last 5 years drooling over and being fan girly for a singer I thought was straight and now finding out he is gay. It does change my perception of who he is and how I see him. We always called him our boyfriend and that won't be happening anymore.

Do you, dear? Do you feel silly? That's ok though, it's because he's gay. There's nothing wrong with you. His fault.

Granted the Claymates are the Clay Aiken centric pop cultural version of jihad obsessed Islamic extremists and at once, indicate a clear social problem, a fundamental lack of personal control and may not necessarily represent how most of people who aren’t averse to his work will react. I said MAY not.

My guess is that the idea here was to wait until after his kid was born and to premiere photos of the kid with him on the front cover of a magazine so they could soften the symbols inherent in the blow to his fans. The kid is his link not to heterosexuality but to non-homosexuality. Because the thing is, you can be gay but if you don’t have all the signifiers then people have less of a problem with you market wise.

Of course, it becomes a problem when your fan base are fucked up, delusional idiots but then that’s not always the case. [source]

Kirk Cameron is in a new film, thank fuck, called Fireproof and he went on the Today Show to talk about it and while graciously imparting information about where we can see his work, he mentioned that he wouldn’t ever do another on screen kiss because he’s married to his wife and a kiss would be, in essence, a violation of the sanctity of their bond.

Ok, the two things that come out of this are…ok, actually three….One, Kirk Cameron is a cynical actor if he insists on doing it for the money but not actually acting on screen as a professional. He’s unprofessional and lame.

Two, I’m assuming his lameness is a direct result of the unbalanced influence religion has on his life, he is a boring religious fucknut and should stop talking.

And three, if there’s anyone who is about to be caught in a public bathroom any time soon, it’s Kirk Cameron. Still, at least for the moment he can possibly cash in on all the disgruntled and now aimless Claymates who have nothing to base their lives on now that Clay Aiken has finally come out of the freaking closet.

Ok, here’s the thing. I’ve had a shit load of crap happen in the last couple of days and have been under the weather- blah. So, I’ve only got a quick, abridged rundown of cultural milestones that have popped up in the last day or so that have indicated something to me about the state of American culture at large. It’s been a quality line up of stuff too. It’s been just like when you get your braces tightened or you have a wisdom tooth taken out and suddenly there’s a full fucking roast turkey being cooked in the oven and you have to eat red jello and vicodin for dinner.

By the way, following the fact that Cloris Leachman is now on Dancing with the Stars, someone finally had the good sense to put up her miraculous speech at the roast of Bob Saget. Here it is:

Monday, September 22, 2008

TMZ reports that critically panned, crap romantic comedy star Dane Cook is being evicted from his apartment in LA because he has consistently refused to pick up the dog shit his dog has been leaving all over the place. He appealed the case with this defense:

"In the same way that writers can get writer's block, comedians can really easily run out of ideas and 'stories'; I am extremely frightened that this will happen to me if I am forced to move out of my apartment. I've seen it happen to other comics, that something interferes with their connection to their creative muse, and it's destroyed careers."

No news on whether it's worked for him yet.

It’s interesting how his latest film, My Best Friend’s Girl has proven a complete dud at the box office (gee, couldn’t see that happening what with the winning new concept of a couple of alpha male, awkward comic actors, Kate Hudson as the female equivalent to Matthew McConaughey and Alec Baldwin thrown in for distinguished one liner all wandering around doing embarrassing things in what the audience would see as real life situations, what a fucking great new idea!) and so now he’s mustering up press by filing inane legal actions.

I think we’ll all agree that if Dane Cook’s career tanks it will be because of a cultural inevitability rather than him being forced to move apartments. But then, since the movie poster for My Best Friend's Girl came out, Cook has been screeching for attention like a New York club kid so it’s not surprising that he’d keep it up now.

Still, it’s better to be talked about than not and here’s what people are saying about Dane Cook’s performance:

The inexplicable romantic comedy career of Dane Cook marches on. In Kate Hudson, Cook appears to have found a woman who can both withstand his obnoxiousness and sometimes surpass it.-The Boston Globe

Watching this repugnant, angry male fantasy, I thought, "You know what's missing? Jokes about date rape." I wasn't disappointed for long.-LA Times

What’s interesting is that if you go to Dane Cook’s website, there are video and sound files of him performing to actual live audiences who are apparently applauding and laughing. It’s things like this that remind me that America is capable of the entertaining the notion that Sarah Palin is viable. She’s not, just in case you hadn’t thought about it. [source]

TMZ reports that a Federal investigation has been launched into the illegal reproduction and sale of photos of Jamie Lynn Spears by the photo booth people at WalMart in Louisiana. The Spears kid’s baby’s father, Casey Aldridge went to the WalMart with his digital camera card, dropped it off and the staff member took it from there.

Its times like these that I think the Tudors, on Showtime, comes in handy for a little advice. There was a scene in the last series where the father of Ann Boleyn went up to Ann and said, “We’re ROYALY NOW. EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT”. And I think that advice applies here too.

I don’t care how utterly stupid and white trash Casey Aldridge is, and in many ways I think he was the cultural predecessor to political prisoner Levi Johnston in the same way that Joe Dallessandro was the predecessor to Travis Fimmel, he shouldn’t be dropping his photos off at the Wal Mart. What the hell? He’s cultural ROYALTY now. He’s intrinsically tied to the Spears family no matter what and should not be opening his meal ticket up to vulnerability like that. Back to training.

Secondly, how utterly American that photos of a girl breast feeding would immediately be assumed to be treated as basement jack off material. It's just puerile enough to be of Federal concern. [source]

Tom Ford’s Spring catalogue used full frontal, nude images of Alex Schultz, the Brazilian model, and the photos were taken by Terry Richardson. Made in Brazil released another shot of Alex Schultz today that wasn’t originally released with the full set several months ago.

Here is it.

And here are some of the others.

I really think this is sort of old. Two years ago French fashion house, Shai used hard core porn in the video ad campaign for its actually fairly mediocre clothes. The combining of hard core porn and fashion retail was an idea that floated around in the ether in 2006 but then it faded. I guess the idea with these images is that you refer to the male and you refer to the adornments of the male simultaneously. There’s just something about it that seems slightly tired and gimmicky although clearly, it's fine that they did it and released the images. I have no problem with that. Thank you Tom Ford. The fragrance he released with bottle in place of a vagina seemed slightly confused to me but this doesn't.

Here’s Michael Phelps on Jimmy Kimmel in a skit that, I guess, adequately sums him up. He walks around and everything else around him makes use of his completely statuesque brand of fame. He cashes in, the audience thinks he’s great and even though he’s does basically nothing in this skit, it’s still his best performance yet.

As long as we’re going through the motions of acting like he’s capable of everything under the sun, can I say that I really do think he’s got a weird mouth? He offsets it by have a rockin’ body and by sometimes wearing a baseball hat cocked to the side which makes him look like an all American frat boy asshole – which again, probably ups his market value. And of course, by being an undeniable Olympic champion. Look at that, see…I had to throw that in or I’d feel like I wasn’t a team player. It’s sort of like the Olympic celebrity version of “Support the Troops”.

Sincerely though, he’s a valuable commodity and he’s playing the game well. In that same line of thinking, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – when will Paris Hilton zero in? It’s only a matter of time.

Friday, September 19, 2008

The National Enquirer reports that Elisabeth Hasselbeck is considering leaving The View because she’s unhappy with the fact that she constantly feels she has to defend herself while on the show. Oh, poor Elisabeth. Who would have thought THAT would be the case when you’re on an opinion based TV show and the only reason you get to be is because you play the Ann Coulter role. Certainly not me!

Popcrunch reports the rollowing:
Elisabeth feels she can’t win at The View, but she’s been told by friends at FOX News that they’d find a spot for her without hesitation.”
“Elisabeth is just as tired of the ladies at The View as they are of her! She feels she constantly has to defend herself,” a show insider revealed to The National Enquirer this week.
“Besides that, when she gets passionate about her opinions, the others make her look like she’s hysterical. But when she doesn’t talk enough, she’s accused of ‘pouting,” says the tattle.
The thing about Elisabeth Hasselbeck is that from the beginning of her career in the media, as a contestant on Survivor, she bent her personality to fit what it needed to be to profit and that’s what she’s doing still. That’s why whenever she talks about anything, there’s a breathy eagerness to it because she’s acting like the smug school kid who knows the answer. She knows the answer to playing the role she needs to play to remain on TV.
In keeping with this, because she has the emotional maturity of a spoilt 16 year old girl, she probably is pouting when she’s not talking enough. I mean, the endless tears as a way of stopping the confrontation are just a defense mechanism – why not a pout. It all just comes back to getting attention.

The thing is, if she goes to Fox she’ll have to contend with Ann Coulter who has the hot blonde rabid right wing talking head gig down and I suspect that Ann Coulter could eat her alive. That's unless Hasselbeck starts to cry as a way of getting Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly to run to her defense. Of course, for that to happen she’ll need to let them grope her ass in the hallway so it’s always a give and take scenario. What’s worse? Whoopi Goldberg’s dehumanizing soul revealing stare of Bill O’Reilly’s murmering harassment laugh, stinky hand and string of saliva? For Hasselbeck, the worst of those two options is the one that pays the least. [source]

The New York Post reports that Paris Hilton’s pets are left to roam all over the neighborhood in which she lives and that two of her Chihuahuas were eaten by coyotes earlier this week.

The only reason I can think of that this is being reported is because, as Michael Musto pointed out this week – Paris Hilton hasn’t been to jail in over a year. Indeed, when you think about it, what exactly has Paris Hilton been doing? Nothing really. Probably just shopping and practicing in front of the mirror. Practicing shopping that is. My guess is she got a little antsy and looked around to find something the media might be interested in when it comes to her – usually her garbage will do – and she decided she would sacrifice a couple of animals.

It’s that old routine – sort of like Meryl Streep in Death Becomes her – when she’s practicing how to look surprised in front of a mirror before Goldie Hawn walks in.

She throws the yelping dogs out into the brisk night air, only the moon lighting her way, they scurry about unaware and she stops just before she locks them out. A coyote howls at the moon, she shivers, looks down at the dogs, shakes off her emotional response and closes the door. Then she orders herself a pizza, a wedding cake and 5 dozen roses to make herself feel better. After all, she was the one who suffered most from the whole experience of sacrificing her dogs. It was for the greater good though. Those dogs were essentially indoctrinated into a fame based Hilton brand jihad simply by being purchased by Hilton in the first place.

SO – the dogs die, she finds them, she quickly reacts emotionally and bang, she’s back in the media. [source]

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The New York Post reports that John McCain’s 23 year old daughter Meghan McCain was overheard talking to her editor about where she was going to get a new tattoo and couldn’t decide what it would be but that it would be something she’d do after the election.

I’m not sure what the Post is up to at the moment with all these stories about how Palin spends a lot of money on clothes and how Meghan McCain is getting a tattoo. I mean, clearly the inference is that Palin is an elitest wealthy glutton and Meghan McCain may as well be a Federal Arts Grant swindling, Berkeley, California tree living commie but as for why the Post is reporting this stuff it’s beyond me. Maybe there’s some rebellion in the ranks.

After all, McCain’s daughter getting a tattoo is enough to unseat his socially conservative middle class voters. I mean, it’s a tattoo! She may as well have the sign of the beast on her forehead. The horror! [source]

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Playboy Magazine mogul Hugh Hefner has graciously reassured the nation that all THREE of his generic, clone, gold digging, attention whore, LA moron girlfriends will be getting their own reality shows, not just the alpha one, Holly Madison. Isn’t that just a soul quenching relief? I know it’s allowed me to put down the can of frosting and razor blade for at least another hour.

While the only times I’ve ever watched the original show, The Girls Next Door, was when I was recovering from having my wisdom teeth pulled out and was placated by Vicodin and then again a year later when I was recovering from the muscle injury I sustained while doing some kind of extravagant sit up and was again placated by Vicodin – it seemed to me that the roles these women played were paradoxical.

Firstly, they could probably only get on TV and make it to where they are by being one dimensional, air head Barbie dolls but then that sort of traps them in that role because as there were three of them the three just blur into one smear of plastic orange and blonde meaning that none of them really have distinct enough personas to facilitate them moving beyond the role of glorified hooker accessory to Hugh Hefner. I mean, Holly Madison gets the main gig because she has the most indistinct face. It doesn’t challenge anyone to experience something beyond the response you would have to a well marketed box of cereal. It’s like you look at her and your brain just automatically says “Oh yeah, I should pick one of those up next time I’m looking to get laid.” . Hell, I do that and I’m a fag for Christ’s sake.

So, yeah – wow – despite this bleedingly obvious cultural reality, all three of his idiot human sable wraps will get their own reality shows. I sure hope I’ll be able to fit in all that TV – maybe I’ll just give up going to the gym to ensure I don’t miss anything. Pending obesity would really be nothing compared to the horror of missing staring at a subhuman painted doll try and avoid walking into a wall for two hours a week. And people wonder why Sarah Palin hasn’t been laughed off the stage yet. [source]

Lynn Spears was interviewed by Meredith Veira on The Today Show this morning about her re-worked book “Through the Storm” and she said her book was never meant to be a parenting book. Maybe the entire country is a little numb from being bombarded by public figures who create the notion of truth by simply saying the same lie again and again but when it comes to Lynn Spears I’m ever vigilant.

Spears literally says “It never was a parenting book” - except that the crucial missing component to that version of history is that it’s original title was “Pop Culture Mom” and it was about the wonderful relationship she was able to have with her showbiz daughters despite the pressures of Hollywood.

Presumably, the insight she’s gained so far was meant to be translatable and of interest to regular mothers who are bewildered from dealing with their children’s proximity to internet porn, corn syrup splintered attention spans and the failure of abstinence-only education in schools. Then Britney had her public breakdown the idea that Lynn Spears has any sort of sage advice became completely implausible.

Lynn Spears is a showbiz politician at heart.

I’ve decided I’m unsure Lynn Spears, as a cultural comodity, would be possible if she didn’t have a Southern accent. If you have a Southern accent it means you can get away with a lot more than if you have a Californian, North Eastern or say, German accent and I think that’s in part due to the fact that a Southern accent manages to at once encapsulate a simplistic, anti-intellectual, 15th Century Lutheran work ethic and that leads onto a fear based commoditized patriotism which is something that was invented by politicians so they could profit from massed fear by halting critics. Still, it doesn't matter how the hell long she draws out her words, to me Lynn Spears is a narcissistic, self absorbed, greedy show mother who sold out her children time and time again and this book is testament to that.

Page Six seems unusually left wing this morning with a report that the jacket Palin wore when she spoke at the RNC in St Paul was a Valentino worth about $2700.

Page Six goes on to detail how there’s clearly a lot of money being spent by Palin on clothes for these events because stylists are hinting at it.

We spoke to someone on Palin's styling team, who told us, "I did a little bit of personal styling, but I can't discuss anything I've done with Sarah Palin. I'm not sure which designs she wore . . . anything related to working with her is confidential."

Yes, it’s confidential because she’s just an average hockey mom who joined the PTA and who sold her state’s jet and took on the good old boys’ network. She’s just like everyone else. Except in 2700 dollar Valentino jackets – and you know what? I thought her jacket looked like it was constricting her arm movement somewhat. It looked ok but it really didn’t seem very comfortable - certainly not worth 2700 dollars even if it WAS Valentino. Like, it only looked right when she had her arms by her side in a state of physical subservience.

I’m torn about Palin in terms of whether she will work for the McCain campaign. I wonder if she has the capacity to keep moving and to actually plausibly jump through the hoops because after all she still has to debate Joe Biden who could easily clean the floor with her. There are cracks and red flags everywhere on her – her family and this jacket included. However, a large percentage of American people, whether they vote or not, don’t give a shit about anything besides their simple emotional gut reaction to candidates which can be as inanely arbitrary as anything else so maybe she’ll scrape in. Maureen Down quoted some dumb ass average American trash on her approach to voting and she got this golden quote:

She said she’s never voted, and was a teenage mom “like Bristol.” She likes Sarah because she’s “down home” but said Obama “gives me the creeps. Nothing to do with the fact that he’s black. He just seems snotty, and he looks weaselly.”

Cause that’s all it’s about. Avoiding the weaselly look.

Incidentally, apparently the outfit Cindy McCain wore was worth about $300,000 but that's ok because she’s openly worth about $100 million dollars and considers herself the only child of her beer distributing kingpin father (even though she has two half sisters she has disowned and cut off from their father’s fortune after he died and battled an addiction to Vicodin and Percocet because she was lonely being married to John McCain who was never home - family values, what?). I mean, I’ll admit it - I could almost look past all that because I’m increasingly distracted by the strangely magnetic and mesmerizing gay diva appeal of Cindy McCain – I’m a sucker for a complex, glamorous broad – I can’t help it.

Consequently, I can see how hard it will be for your average American who, despite their lack of education, can still manage to be so complexly narcissistic that they both won’t see that Sarah Palin is an ill-equipped delusional fraud and that they actually don’t need someone in the White House who is as stupid and delusional as they are – they need the exact opposite. [source]

About a week ago Jamie Lynn Spears, her spawn, and mother Lynn Spears flew into Los Angeles on a Delta Airlines flight and arranged to avoid the paparazzi by getting off the plane on the tarmac. The police at the airport arranged to escort a decoy who looked essentially like Jamie Lynn which they did and the paparazzi went nuts photographing a woman who wasn’t famous.

Now, E online reports that the Los Angeles police are in trouble for doing that because they have no policy for escorting celebrities unless there’s an extreme circumstance.

This is another one of those amazing circumstances where regular departmental procedure gets subverted by your average person’s complete inability to operate around celebrities. This sort of reminds me of the original judge in the Anna Nicole Smith trial who decided it would be a good idea to cry on camera in front of the world on Entertainment Tonight just to really ham it up for the audience – hell, who knows, he could have ended up on his own reality show had he not been booked for smoking pot in a park near the courthouse. Gosh, could he have wanted to get caught maybe?

I’m pretty certain Lynn Spears was at the helm of this ludicrously unnecessary display of “Don’t Look At Me – Quick! Everyone Look At Me!” because her book’s out and she wants to be in the news as much as possible. [source]

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

The Sun in the UK has published a censored nude photograph of Amy Winehouse’s mooching crackhead incarcerated husband, Blake Fielder Civil with the headline introductory paragraph:

ANYONE wondering what AMY WINEHOUSE could possibly still see in convicted criminal and druggie hubby BLAKE FIELDER-CIVIL should take a look at the uncensored version of this picture.

Ok great. So where’s the uncensored version? Anywhere? Anyone? Oh look. No one has it. Damn everyone.

The thing is, he may be a freaking nutcase idiot who comes across as a more spineless and far less engaging version of Johnny Rotten but I’ve always thought he was quite attractive. He’s got good skin and he’s marketably slim – in a fashion model sense. What’s not to like? I mean, apart from his repellant personality and all. Plus, in this photo he’s wearing pink briefs which means he’s probably quite comfortable with his sexuality AND while he has that weird eye patch – it’s bound to be just temporary. I mean, look at the welcoming smile on his face in the very picture above! He looks totally fine to me so I never had any doubt whatsoever about why Winehouse is still with him.

I suppose there’s still the overwhelming drug based codependence that characterizes their relationship too and you have to consider that but if you just went at him with a blow torch and a sandblaster and chipped off all the dirt and filth and annoying chaos and dead skin I’d say he would absolutely clean up beautifully. [source]

The New York Post reports that Pat O’Brien is a freaking delusional ego maniac who actually writes e mails about how great he is and how much his co-workers inspire nausea in other people when he’s feeling insecure.

After going on a rampage and a stint in rehab, O’Brien was demoted from the position of anchor at “The Insider” which is really just “Entertainment Tonight” stretched out for another hour but without Mary Hart’s maternal, matronly, always perky face delivering the gutter fodder. He’s now a correspondent who went to Iowa to interview Senator Joe Biden. While there he wrote this:

"Hi, folks, I just spent a couple of days in Iowa - I'm a little bit of a favorite son there - and I spoke with maybe a thousand people and was very hands-on. Even Joe Biden said, 'You should be running (for president)!' But what I came away with was, these people can't afford gas, books, food or schools or movies!
"I was approached a hundred times by people asking, 'Can you help us?' I tried to tell them we care, but they didn't buy it. They wanted to, but watching Anya and Lara [Spencer] pick out accessories makes the viewers want to vomit. I'll get killed for this, but I'm actually the one not afraid for my job. I want people to be happy."
Isn’t that interesting? An innocuous fashion segment by two replaceable, perky, airhead beauty pageant contestants is what makes people vomit not the memory of his drunken phonecalls to women about sex 2005 or the sheer desperation evident in his e mail through his incessant self aggrandizement. What a cultural pioneer.

Oh, Pat O’Freaking Brien. What a wonderfully complex and attractive man you are. The thing that still sticks with me though is that idea that ET’s anchor, Mary Hart is almost certainly a dominatrix who likes to be vomited on in the bedroom. Pat O’Brien has probably got nothing on her. There’s no way a woman like that could possibly not be into something like eating some else’s vomit after it’s been shoved back up inside their ass. She does that with her hands tied behind her back while intermittently breathing Nitrous Oxide. I like to imagine that that’s what she does because it’s the only way I feel her humanity can be returned to her after she’s done a perky stint on ET.

I mean, at the very least she swears at dinner parties and drinks just a little too much. [source]

Look, I don’t honestly have any real interest in who the hell Chris Cooley is but my ambivalence about football was subverted slightly today when I found out that he is a tight end for the Washington Redskins and apparently writes a blog. When he writes that blog, he’s usually in the nude. Fair enough. Still don't REALLY care but you know, let's go with it.

So, yesterday he posted a picture of some document but failed to notice that he’d actually included a snap shot of his dick as well. Hilarious! He’s one of society’s bona fide professional warriors of sorts and he embodies so much masculine aspiration and then, in one fell swoop he is made mortal. Aw, sucks.

So, the great part about watching masculine icons go through something that de-thrones them and potentially emasculates even for a minute is the way they approach the acknowledgement and the reaction you get from people. God, it’s refreshing and amazing.

Here’s the apology quote:

All apologies from the website. We are very sorry that we showed a penis on our website all day yesterday. That was by no means our intention and we did not want to offend anyone. The picture wouldn't have been up for so long, but we were in the middle of winning a big game. Once again, this was a complete accident and we regret not reviewing the post more closely. Thanks.

Oh my GOD it’s like listening to an elderly man tell you about his incontinence problems at the bus stop. It’s so weirdly disconnected and businesslike but necessary. Hilarious. And he used the word “penis” because you know all the people who do PR for the Redskins had to have a meeting about what to say. They all threw words about like dick, penis, Johnson, Dr. Terry, trouser snake, frightener. That meeting would have been great. All the thick necked football brass would have been sweating over it and probably had to go out and beat someone up to make up for any possibility that they’re gay for just SAYING the word.

There were over 130 responses from fans but one of my favourites was this:

Just like you and Tanner, I read the blog entry and glanced over the pictures and didn't even notice. I didn't know anything about it until I got back from work today and read something on Dan Steinberg's blog about your retracted (in the sense that you took it off the website, of course) junk. All things considered, I am now glad that I didn't look closer at the time, and I don't plan on seeking out pictures that may have made their way out across the internet.I have little doubt that one day you will look back on this and laugh. It will make one hell of an anecdote when being inducted into Canton.

I'm glad I didn't see it because I'm not attracted to you and am not interested in thinking about it because I don't think about you naked. There. I said it.

Ok, they didn't write that last bit but it’s so much like an elderly suburban mother insisting that the televised coverage of the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras was offensive and she was absolutely certain because she refused to watch it several times. She taped it and played it but put a blind fold over her eyes as she sat there. For six hours.

So, ultimately, thank you Chris Cooley – whoever you are – for making me give a shit about football for even just a second. [source]

Here’s the new music video for Madonna’s “Get Stupid” and look I’m all for all levels of cultural discourse chiming in about the presidential election because the whole thing is three ring circus anyway but this is completely empty.

I mean, the idea is fine but it essentially comes across as trite. Madonna has been outsourcing her soul for such a long time that all this really is is a first year political science/self help essay set against a music video backdrop that languidly references Barbara Kruger and Andy Warhol and makes some mindless comparisons between John McCain, Robert Mugabe, Kiim Jong Il and the Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. I suppose if the point is to gear her legions of fans up to vote for Obama then ok but it’s a little mindless. But then, I guess so are the kinds of people who would make up their mind about which candidate to vote for based on what Madonna says in a music video.

I watched it twice and just sat there afterwards, looking at my hands. I just didn’t feel anything. There was an emptiness. Madonna made me feel empty. Now I’m going to have to open that can of frosting I’d been saving for winter. That was my winter stash. Damn you Madonna but keep going, I guess.

Monday, September 15, 2008

There were three reasons that Saturday Night Live had its best ratings since 2001 on the weekend; one – the all but infallible Michael Phelps and two – the fact that Tina Fey and Amy Poehler still work on the show and three - the fact that Tina Fey looks astonishingly like Sarah Palin.

Michael Phelps was always going to be essentially unfunny – there’s no doubt about that. But ultimately, everyone knew and so we all took our comedy Novocain just to ensure that we really didn’t experience the pain of fully gauging how naturally unsuited to talking on television he really is.

I would warrant that he was completely forgiven by the American people anyway. I mean, despite the fact that it really wasn’t self deprecating humour at least he can laugh at himself, they’ll all say. He won all those gold medals and he can still laugh at himself. TMZ reports that he bombed but he actually didn’t. He just endeared himself to Americans more.

Here are two sketches from Saturday night that prove just how much everyone knew that all he would really need to do is read the cue cards and not take up too much time on air. He’s actually a bit like Travis Fimmel was when he went on the Sharon Osbourne show. He was promoting his appalling show Tarzan and all he did was sit there while the middle aged women fawned over him. His work was done by just showing up.

To the complete and utter contrary though, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler knocked it out of the park with this sketch.


Oh, look at that. Turns out Lesbian Lohan was seen sucking face with Samantha Ronson in New York and Page Six reported it. The part about this that interests me is the space between it happening everywhere in New York and LA, gossip columns reporting it and her openly and fully acknowledging it officially. Is there anyone left who doesn’t understand that Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian? Dina Lohan has been quoted as saying she supports her lesbian daughter here - although, clearly, it could easily just be another ploy for media exposure - her life blood.

News Corp in Australia reported that she had confirmed it but she never actually did. They pulled the equation together themselves. Furthermore, other people are saying it and Lohan has slammed Sarah Palin for homophobia on her blog and made references to it in various interviews but she herself hasn’t specifically come out yet.

It’s weird that that happens. I’m not sure about this but there has to be a massive, checkbook wielding contingent in the middle of American suburbia that refuses to believe that she is and that would react badly if they found out she was a lesbian. Even though the information is everywhere, they still will ONLY go o what the star says. That’s sort of the essence of suburban living though really; it’s all about appearances.

I guess that explains why Tom Cruise is still getting work and has a fan base. I mean, I just find that inexplicable because I don’t find bipolar God Complexes attractive in any way but I think it’s safe to assume that there is a contingent of housewives who only believe what they see on Oprah.

Where the hell has Tom Cruise BEEN for the past couple of weeks ANYWAY? All I’ve seen in relation to him and his robot wife has been based on what pants she wears to rehearsals and the fact that no one wants to buy tickets to All My Sons for no reason I can figure out.

So, in short, Lohan is a lesbian – are we all on the same page with that? [source]

While it’s not surprise that Page Six is a dumping ground for information that publicists need you to know about their clients to ensure longevity on some level, today’s 90210 post has got to be above and beyond. They apparently have a new tyrant ego-diva on set. Just in time as well, seeing as the old one isn’t returning.

With Shannon Doherty not returning to the show the producers clearly had to come up with some reason to convince people to actually bother watching a show about a bunch of marketably attractive LA high school kids going through whatever crap they’re going through. I mean, how many more of these god damned shows do we REALLY need? So, they bring back the gorgon drawcard, she leaves and bang they have to have something else. Cue the new kid. There’s a factory these brat anti-kids come from. The same place Pink, Avril Lavigne and Pete Wentz (sort of) came from.

Page Six writes:

Shenae Grimes, who plays Annie Wilson, isn't taking cues from her tamed-down predecessor. Show sources told Page Six that Grimes was "tormenting everyone on set" and "acts rude to the cast, crew and extras." Our insider told us Grimes even once yelled at an unassuming guest star, "Who the hell are you?" and often spits out comments like "This is my show - everyone else is riding my coattails."

Who would those show sources actually be, I wonder? Shenae Grimes herself? Perhaps the publicist over at CW? Candy Spelling, as she looks over plans for a new “pants wearing room” and realizes she needs the show to keep going?

Shannan Doherty’s character Brenda Walsh was the draw card when the show’s original incarnation was a big deal back in 1832 – well, apart from seeing how long you could go before the spectacle of seeing people in their early thirties play high school students completely lost all plausibility – I watched every single week. There was something unusually organic about Brenda Walsh’s madness back then. Shenae Grimes just seems like any other reality whore trying to stay employed.

For some reason I keep calling the show the same thing in my head: 9021PLEASE STOP IT. Wait..."for some reason"? I think I’m aware of the reason. This has all been done and done and done to death. [source]

Friday, September 12, 2008

The New York Post reports that Michael Phelps is so famous and universally lauded that even the crusty, jaded old celebrity saturated New Yorkers eating at Blue Ribbon Sushi were impressed with his mere presence on Wednesday night. So much so that they kept sending him bottles of champagne and sake. First up, the reason this item appeared is because he is hosting Saturday Night Live this weekend and they want publicity. This happens every night with Phelps but they're pushing it in the media to drum up interest in the show this weekend.

Secondly, I’m not SO sure New Yorkers are actually THAT jaded about celebrities. I was eating in Midtown recently and Whoopi Goldberg was at the table next to mine and the entire restaurant was staring at her. It eventually descended into a dreadful display of people actually going over to her table to ask for photos. Similarly, I read about how Bill Clinton walked into the Spotted Pig a while back and the entire restaurant applauded him for a good minute or so before he could just sit down. Two or three weeks ago I was at a party in the West Village and Kirsten Dunst turned up. She stayed for a moment and said hello to one person and no one turned or said anything until she left when everyone started gossiping and the person she talked to stood there beaming and soaking up the attention and validation fro having been the one Dunst talked to.

The performance of acting like you don’t care that a celebrity in the room isn’t inherently New York-type behaviour nor is it even something found in New York that much at all anyway in my experience. People notice but they know it’s gauche to act out so they just sit there and watch like a hawk via the reflection in their knife rather than actually turn around. Media people do one of two extremes. They either completely subjugate their entire being and laugh at everything the celebrity does and offer to lie in a puddle so the celebrity doesn’t get their feet wet or they make a show out of standing there with their back to the celeb.

Michael Phelps is in that Bill Clinton at the Spotted Pig stage right now and he’s also someone who has done something that is beyond criticism. You can’t argue that he’s not the greatest athlete because it’s scientifically proven in the most universally recognized manner. It’s completely black and white and that disarms people. People aren’t disclosing anything about their own neediness or political affiliation or cultural taste by praising him so they feel it’s safe to do so without outing themself in any way or removing their marketable mystique. Unless their mystique is anchored in seeming dark and sociopathic. If that’s the case then they will probably say and do nothing all. I just wonder when Paris Hilton will aim her groin at him and go in for the attack. If he ends up sleeping with her it will tarnish his image quite substantially, I’d say. [source]

SFGate.com is reporting that that other ‘anti-Spears” product, P!NK, is considering becoming a Scientologist since she broke up with her husband Cary Hart. Star Magazine writes:

"Pink is in the beginning stages of checking out the religion, but she has taken to it and she wants to get more involved."

I really love the idea that you can check out a religion and decide whether you want it to be what you believe in. It brings up the same empty notion I hear when political candidates talk about ensuring people’s freedom to worship in their own way. I mean, the principle is fine but it just seems like this routine emptiness. Quick, gotta worship something!

But then, maybe this is a smart move for P!NK. I mean, Britney Spears has shown the capacity to be far more edgy than P!NK ever was with her stumbling on stage at awards shows stating that she was too drunk for this type of thing despite her perfectly stylist led punk attire and choppy LA haircut so maybe she needs a new gig. Hooking up with Scientology is just another way of joining a fraternity of people like the Masons except it’s in Hollywood. By letting out the information that she’s checking out Scientology, P!NK is merely announcing that she’s open to the idea of being cast in a film.

Plus, fuck her for making me write a fucking ! instead of an i. Better come up with a new angle, dear. If you don’t you will just end up playing the Grace Jones part in terrible films no one sees. [source]

the Daily News reports that Lauren Conrad, from The Hills – oh – look at that, just writing her name is such a foreign feeling - has just signed a three book deal with Harper Collins. She will be writing a series called LA Candy which will be, let’s face it, a thinly veiled re-telling of her own completely nauseating and pointless morphing from just your average spoilt, self obsessed, white bread Republican LA based skank to recognizable spoilt, self obsessed, white bread Republican LA based skank. All those air head, shopping obsessed Hills girls are Republican because it keeps the checks from their fathers rolling in.

ANYWAY – this is a little like Kim Kardashian mulling over whether she’d be interested in releasing an album. There was no pretext of talent when it came to anything at all besides basic whoredom with Kardashian let alone actually performing for a CD that would be massed produced and distributed. Same deal here: what the fuck about Lauren Conrad ever even vaguely pointed to writing? I mean, she’s rabbited on about how she wants to do fashion which she started to do earlier this year. Christian Siriano summed her work up brilliantly then:

“It’s really sad that if I didn’t win Project Runway, I probably wouldn’t have the sponsors I have now. I would have never been able to do what they have done because they all have disposable income, and yet their work still isn’t that great! I mean, it’s fun and flirty and young, but they’re not innovators. None of them will ever be an innovative designer. Buyers and editors are looking for longevity, and hopefully they will see that in me.”

So, I’m just dying to see what crap she comes out with. I can just see the draft being full of sentences that end with question marks no matter what. Plus, her main character will be named something like Stacy or Jessica. She’ll have a black friend. She’ll be the tired, less edgy, LA, twentysomething version of Carrie Bradshaw but set in LA and there will be a lot of detail about shopping and fashion. [source]

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Yeah, so, great…Us Magazine reports that Chace Crawford said he thinks Sarah Palin is “quite attractive”. What we have here is a half assed attempt at everything. Firstly, shut up: she’s a gorgon. Stop missing the point with her. People become less attractive when their mere presence threatens your life. Palin’s does. Get with the program gay face.

Secondly, following on from his completely convincing statement that he’s “as straight as they come” it would follow on that he’d like Sarah Palin because if he’s under the impression he’s a straight as they come them Sarah Palin may well be attractive. He also may well be in crippling denial of reality on a global scale.

What’s fascinating about this article is that a publicist from Gossip Girl has clearly jumped on this story to lessen its negative impact by offering up information from “a source” that says:

(A source tells Usmagazine.com, "As much as Chace may find Sarah Palin physically attractive, he does not find her attractive as a candidate. In fact, you may even see Chace campaigning for Obama in October.")
So, what we get out of this is that Gossip Girl producers know their primary demographic are Democrats and Obama supporters and that they still need to let him have his public heterosexual crush. I bet a meeting was held over this one. Obama also must somehow be cool otherwise they wouldn’t have bothered to talk about Crawford’s potential campaigning.
For a totally hot guy Crawford actually seems like a really languid child. Like, he actually seems a little goofy. Usually you find that his type squash the nerdism out of themselves but not Chace. [source]

Here’s a video of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at the Republican National Convention among other things, receiving a note from Anderson Cooper that reads:

Tonight. I poop on you.

And the thing is, I genuinely find that funny I think in part because news readers are so deadpan that if they ever do anything at all weird, it’s noticed ten times more. That’s A. B, is also because I like to pay attention to what Anderson does when he’s off air because the long standing pretense of his not being gay is fascinating to me. It just goes to show how back and forth the notion of control is when it comes to official positions on things. Plus, I'm still certain he looks great naked.

The reason I bring this up is because I was interviewing someone the other day for DNA who told me that the reason the actor Jonathan Chase decided to not reprise his role as the Jock in “Another Gay Sequel” was because Perez Hilton is in the film and Chase hates Hilton because Hilton had photos of Chase and Anderson Cooper coming out of Cooper’s building together and was threatening to publish them. CNN apparently killed the story with Hilton who later denied the whole thing to my source. Chase and Cooper are apparently still together or they at least had quite a substantial thing for a while.

I don’t know who is telling the truth here about anything but gosh, it’s confusing and involving and interesting…isn’t it? I bet there are mothers in Wyoming who think Anderson Cooper is straight simply because he’s not out. Wait, do people in Wyoming watch CNN? I know they have firecrackers because I went there and that’s all we did. Blow up small piles of rocks. That’s all we could do when we traveled out on those Wyoming plains. What an interesting summer that was in 1989. I was young enough to be interested in Wyoming and not get depressed about being in it in a small van with my parents and old enough to remember.

So, in short, Anderson Cooper is funny, I guess. I never realized how funny that dog puppet is. Plus, he's brave too. I covered the RNC in 2004 and I remember just sitting on the steps with a Washington Post reporter feeling like we were alone in the desert with the Devil everywhere. We talked about our fears and in doing so felt better.

Posh Spice and Gordon Ramsay are apparently teaming up to open a restaurant which confirms that you really don’t need anything besides any kind of celebrity power at all to be able to DO anything.

Firstly, how on earth could Posh Spice have a role in bringing people food when she’s either turned down offers of food all her life OR she’s thrown it all up? I mean, this is aside from the chunk of fatback pork she uses to smear on her skin to attain optimum vitality, tan color and elasticity before she has her regular breakfast of an ice cold trim spa martini by the pool. Oh, plus edamame, pretzels and diet coke. And peasant fear in liquid form; I’m pretty sure that keeps her sustained.

So, is that all the menu will be? Pretzels, diet coke, edamame, and liquid fear all served up by a greasy social climbing, face imploding fame whore?

Great. I’m there.

But also – what about Ramsay? His angle is that he’s this no-bullshit guy who hammers you with hard core confronting truth. What the hell about him says that Posh is a good person to open a restaurant with? I’ve watched Kitchen Nightmares, I know what goes on. I can just imagine him on an episode of his own show critiquing his own kitchen and dining room by screaming “Why the fuck have you got that sour faced silicone implanted skeleton standing in the center of the room sucking up all the air? The last thing she makes people want to do is eat…get her OUT”

And yet, here we are discussing whether or not they’ll work together for profit. Including the puffin travesty that’s two strikes Ramsay. One more and I’m never watching another episode of your shows ever again and I’ll make your food but I won’t eat it. So there. [source]

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

The Post reports that James Franco’s presence at Columbia University has been causing a stir and that girls have been gathering and staring at him in that way you see in movies about the Beatles. I put in that last little reference there not the Post.

Last night I was at a party with his writing teacher from Columbia University and she was saying…well, actually, now that I think about it, she said essentially nothing about him at all. How did she DO that? I asked her if it was true about him raping his ex-boyfriend and she said, “Wasn’t that meant to be Will Smith?” which is what you’d expect to hear from his writing teacher. Or any colleague at all. Thwart the rumour and at the very least, don't participate in it.

The Post writes:

"particularly the type of ridiculous, squealing freshman girl . . . all harassing the poor guy," writes student Vesal Yazdi in the Columbia Spectator. "[They] were shameless enough to literally go right up to him." Yazdi warns fellow classmates: "Do a bit of subtle ogling, but don't stand around the entrance like a pack of starving vultures."

Anyone who knows anything knows that the way you get noticed by James Franco is, you write about how lame the oglers are in the school newsletter and then you alert the Post to what you’ve written. I mean, another approach is to talk about James Franco incessantly on a blog and put out requests for nude pictures of him. That’s another way. Both ways are much more sophisticated than just standing about squealing. God, freshman girls are so tired and lame, don’t you think James Franco? James Franco and I are just speaking right now, I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait. [source]

Mariah Carey has just essentially fired her manager Bennie Medina and hired herself, E! online reports. It was suggested that while they’ll still work together on a few things, one of the reasons why Carey may have wanted to do that is because Medina was supposedly courting J Lo, Mariah Carey’s main rival.

God, there’s so much subtext and potential hilarity in this story, its astonishing Firstly, is Mariah Carey blind? What the hell kind of competition is J Lo? Nothing she has done in the last two years has been anything more than a tragic flop. Well, I suppose besides her appearance at jury duty which garnered her quirky, endearing press and giving birth to the twins which provided her with the income she missed when she failed to create anything worth listening to or watching.

Secondly, oh my GOD, this will be genius. There hasn’t been a maniacally insane pop cultural mega star without a staff member there to rope in the insanity since Tom Cruise fired Pat Kingsley. What a treat we’re in for. The minute Mimi puts on a little weight and the sanity begins to crumble it’s going to be a good old fashioned fireworks display of celebrity ego freak out. She’s already had a breakdown – there was the ice cream cart meltdown on TRL which has been taken down from youtube. Here’s the closest reference to it I can find:

SO – my point is, with more unicorns, rainbows and fucking whatever; fairies at the helm of Mariah Carey I would say that it’s safe to assume that we’re in for some really enjoyable cooler months when it comes to Mimi and her press.

OH – plus, like hell it’s as amicable as Carey is stating. She tore his face off, he threatened to tell the world she’s a delusional freak who still sleeps with Hello Kitty dolls, she breathed fire over his Maltese terrier, he told her she was really a size 16. Then, after they were exhausted, sitting there in the smoking rubble, their suit clad publicist came in and said, “look, we’ll just say that you’re still working on projects no one cares about.” Oldest trick in the book. [source]

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Everyone seems to be talking about Posh Spice’s new hair this morning because she used to have that insufferable Pete Wentz meets waterfall meets council estate chav look and now she has a boyish lesbian imp look. Of course, by “everyone”, I mean the two blogs I checked out this morning that had written something about it. What makes Posh not seem like a lesbian is her tan and the fact that she’s married to a footballer who is her intellectual equal and energetic opposite. Aside from that I’m essentially done talking about Posh Spice’s new fucking haircut.

I’m trying to figure out how to link in how stupid celebrities are and how rancid and hateful Sarah Palin and her book burning, “pray the gay away”, “I’m just a Republican hockey mom so therefore I should be second in command of the most powerful nation on earth” bullshit. I know Brook Hogan had no idea who Palin even is but that’s probably because Brooke Hogan is flat out masking her largely male thighs and overwhelming lack of talent while eating up time on VH1. Here’s a great photo I found of Sarah Palin on buzzfeed that sums her up in a visual sense.

So, in conclusion, Posh has new hair and Sarah Palin is a poor poor excuse for a Vice Presidential candidate but I suspect, right now, a lot of Americans are all excited because Palin could read a speech well and that’s enough to win them over despite her insane anti-human social ideals, the complete disconnection between those views and the reality of her family life and the outright lies she refers to as fact.

A large collective of Americans, I expect, will just be so wide eyed and amazed at her for being apparently like them, a woman, and being the second woman to run on a major party ticket and that if they vote for her it will be a memory they can talk about at dinner parties – that they’ll ignore that she’s a right wing nut job freak who will rape the country of humanity just by being anywhere near the White House. [source] [source]
God, the Post has some quality work this morning. And by morning I mean after 1pm. Here goes:

Bang One!
Look at that, Ashton Kutcher appears to be about as unemployable as his wife/spouse/cougar Demi Moore. After his culturally languid show “Pop Fiction” was cancelled he’s now coaching football at Harvard-Westlake in LA. I smell a career demise like that of Don Lane. I can’t actually figure out what the hell is wrong with either of them. They’ve both glamorous, pretty damned attractive and have done work people have responded well to. What’s the fucking problem? Just someone give them some god damned work that doesn’t get cancelled or that doesn’t suck. I mean, is that so hard to do? Everyone should stop failing them. [source]

Bang Two!
Pete Wentz apparently played Russian Roulette once while drunk and on Ambien. That’s what he says anyway. What’s the real story here? His crap, suburban, lame ass marriage to the rancid Ashlee Simpson and his relentless selling out over the past 2 years has all but washed the authenticity out of his band and now he’s trying to climb back to a place where the band is worth something again. End of story. He’s not quite the male equivalent to the totally unacceptable fraud that is Avril Lavigne but he’s getting near enough for them to almost be a blur. I’m so sad about this. I mean, he may be a douchebag but he’s so unavoidably hot and I don’t want him to die. I want him to live. [source]

Bang Three!
Michael Jackson’s unwashed underwear will be up for sale on ebay tomorrow and I’m feeling pretty confident of two things now. One, news certainly doesn’t get any more sexually arousing than that and two, pop culture and humanity itself doesn’t get any more reassuring. New Jersey businessman Henry Vacarro obtained them in a bankruptcy case and has a reserve price on them of 1 million dollars. I’m trying to figure out who would buy them apart from that casino in Las Vegas that buys cheese sandwiches that look like the Virgin Mary. One use for them that springs to mind, actually, is that you could boil them in water and use the liquid as a cure-all surgical brew/longevity treatment. They used to do that in China with the Emperor. I mean, not with underpants but with a live massive tortoise in a huge tub of water that was slowly being warmed. I got that from the film, The Last Emperor, which I have seen at least 20 times. It ties in because I was talking about extracting medicinal properties from an object by soaking it in water. That’s what Michael Jackson’s underwear being for sale online for 1 million dollars makes me think of. That and putting a gun in my mouth and shooting myself. Incidentally, doesn't he look slightly like Lauren Bacall in that photo above? [source]

Friday, September 05, 2008

Socialite Life reports that Kim Kardashian is open to the idea that she release an album. She’s currently writing a blog, a column and doing her rancid, pointless reality show so why not?

'"I would be down, if it was something fun," she said. "I love music, so it would just have to be the right thing."

Kim Kardashian seems to be in that wonderful wonderful place unnecessarily famous people sometimes get into when they’re used to getting things they want because their particular brand of shit has somehow resonated with audiences. Talented famous people get this too sometimes and the principle is essentially the same but it’s particularly exciting and horrific to watch when someone like Kardashian goes into that headspace because she’s so so entirely pointless. She’s famous for having a fat ass, that’s it.

She’s also pretty excited because she’s following the Paris Hilton business model of creating a career out of nothing and while everyone is talking about how weird it is that she can DO that, she’s just branching out and getting paid.

So, essentially, it would be great if she released an album, sure. Why not? It’s not like she needs actual talent to do that – her career to date has proven that and it’s also not like her audience requires substance or talent from her either. Kick on Ass Woman. Go for it! [source]

I’ve sort of been watching the re-emergence of the New Kids on the Block primarily because I was about 12 when they were in full force last time and it’ll be interesting to see what they have had to do with themselves to make it work this time. The Post reports that Mark Wahlberg didn’t show to a recent event where the band were meant to sign autographs, Donnie Wahlberg showed up an hour late and Jordan Knight didn’t show at all. Firstly, it’s not SO surprising that Mark Wahlberg didn’t show seeing as he’s not involved with the band and hasn’t been since he was 13. Donnie WAhlberg seems like a bitter, less successful older brother so whatever about that and maybe Jordan Knight had to moisturize.

Danny Wood now looks like a bricklayer from Queens merged with some kind of primate and its interesting because he really does seem like he’s about a second away from beating the shit out of basically anyone but he keeps it repressed to enhance accessibility. Jonathan Knight is now actually gay and out and in a recent interview on The View was completely skipped over when they went down the line of guys asking what they were now up to. I guess that’s because he has no kids and isn’t married and anything departing from that would upset the fans. Actually, here it is:

One thing they apparently haven’t considered is that Joey McIntyre should really be able to sing before he is given a solo. I watched Elisabeth Hasselbeck interview them in her needy, breathy, grating tone and the experience has stayed with me. It returns at night when the lights are out and there is nothing to stop the night terrors. Nothing to distract me from lurking truths. [source]