Friday, May 30, 2008

Angelia Jolie MAY have already given birth to her Twins of the Covenant, OK! Magazine is reporting but it hasn’t been confirmed just yet. That doesn’t matter though. We just need to prepare ye the way for them. They’re definitely coming sometime soon, that we know for sure. I mean, they’re either inside her womb or they’re outside. They’re somewhere…that we know and indeed, that is all we need to know. For they are promised to us and they will be delivered.

What’s great about this is that for OK! It doesn’t matter if the twins have been born yet or not. They can report it now, cash in on the cultural hysteria and massed wailing and international festivities surrounding any news of the genetic continuation of the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie partnership and even if they’re wrong or lying – they make money now, people will forget in a month and then, when it really happens, they’ll totally be able to report it properly. Hopefully they’ll do something similar to what happened when Shiloh Pitt was born and they can claim that the twins are the “World’s Sexiest Twins”. For a little while Shiloh Pitt was called the “World’s Sexiest Baby” and gosh, there’s little doubt in my mind that that mantle was alarmingly ill-conceived at best.

Reporting that the twins are out just forms part of the wonderful reality of running a schlock American celebrity magazine. You can just make it up as you go along. I mean, Pete Wentz an Ashlee Simpson for Christ’s sake. [source]

Naomi Campbell may go to jail for 6 months, reports the Sun in the UK. This is because of that outburst a few months ago when she was aboard a British Airways Flight and she became a gorgon.

What’s interesting about Naomi Campbell is that she continues to assault people and then she does these hilarious appearances where she makes fun of the fact that she is uncontrollably violent. It’s always so hilarious because LOOK, she’s making fun of her damned self which points to some level of self awareness and maybe the possibility that she’s not completely freaking insane but then BANG, she does it again.

I like to think that that makes her a sociopath. I do like to think that. I like to think that one of the most famous objects of beauty in the world is actually deranged and incapable of dealing with her rage.

The thing about this, I suspect, is that it actually sort of boosts her worth. She’s clearly a powerful woman when it comes to business but if she’s literally beating the shit out of people then she’s a force to be reckoned with. It makes her visual image carry with it the sexual power of a dominatrix and I have a feeling that rates well with straight men. They will probably argue that she’s a psychopath but then they secretly long to be beaten by her. Straight men are complicated. Naomi Campbell helps us to understand them.

Still, she’s a shrill slab of tuna as far as I am concerned. I watched “Ugly Betty” for the first time the other night and she was on it – making jokes about her violent tendencies. Gosh, it was funny because even though the show is full of actors – she really does get violent and that’s really her playing herself! Oh how clever. There are so many gay shows on TV. I can think of like three right now and I don’t even watch them. Gay men love to forget about how evil Evil Women can be if the women dress properly.

Here’s old Clobbering Campbell on Ugly Betty:


As part of Marc Jacobs’ campaign that features Posh Spice as his model – a move that makes no cultural sense to me whatsoever (but then beyond the basic, many of Marc Jacobs’ decisions don’t but what do I know) Posh has been dressed up to look like, The Daily Mail in the UK reports, Amy Winehouse but with less success. Fuck the Daily Mail, this is genius work.

The thing is, I doubted Marc Jacobs when I heard he’d signed Posh up to model for him. I mean, I also doubted Marc Jacobs when I met Jason Preston and heard a little about him from people I know who are close to him. Then, after I saw his Interview Magazine images I assumed he was just a genius artist who had a screwed up sense of self esteem who was also going through a mid-life crisis. How right I was.

This is actually how I’ve been dying to see Posh dressed up. It looks like she has no idea what’s going on. I mean, not that that is any different from any other scenario involving Posh but whatever. This time, Posh has been shot as she desperately needs to be shot.

She looks like a doll called “Little Miss Rape My Face and Verbally Assault Me Until I’m Frozen in Terror But Could Still Fake It Through a Prom”

I think this will free her up a bit and she’ll lay off the Trim Spa martinis and go for an inner cleanse and start eating bread. Plus, she’ll stop chewing the insides of her cheeks when the cameras go off. Maybe she’ll read a book, wait. Let’s not go too far. [source]

Thursday, May 29, 2008

La Scala officials say the Italian composer Giorgio Battistelli has been commissioned to produce an opera on Al Gore’s documentary hit, “An Inconvenient Truth” for the 2011 season at the Milan opera house. The composer is currently artistic director of the Arena in Verona.
Ok, so here’s the thing about cultural trajectories that end up at “opera”.
Stop it.
Look, I am completely fine with saying that Al Gore’s efforts have helped push environmentalism into mainstream culture by aligning celebrities with the word “Green” and making it hip to recycle and own a hybrid car. There’s very little wrong with that. Nothing even. It’s great. It’s actually having an effect. Good.
But when you end up writing an opera about a cultural movement or entity, you know it’s basically reached a sort of cringeworthy point. This is what happened with the story of Lindy Chamberlain and the dingo stealing her baby. There were the news reports, the cultural fascination that swept the world probably due in large part to the media creating a story out of it, there was the movie with Meryl Streep and then eventually, some god damned pretentious tool named Moya Henderson in Australia came up with the delusional idea to write an opera about the story using the court transcript as libretto. Because it plays out like an opera. Yes. Of course.
And it was set to horrendous music and people left in intermission. I remember them leaving.
I’m just really unsure what exactly about a documentary that features Al Gore standing on a crane for an hour and a half explaining facts about the earth actually resonates as opera. La Scala clearly wants some international paparazzi based press.
Actually, no. I’m sort of interested in what they come up with. While the Lindy Chamberlain opera was dissonant and insufferable, Opera Australia premiered another opera called “The Eighth Wonder” about the scandals that surrounded the building of the Sydney Opera House and it was essentially just a musical sung by Opera singers. They had the angry mob singing in unison “High Schools! High Schools! We don’t need and Opera House” to the organising committee.
It was a little bit Broadway, a little bit pretentious Australian art, a little bit hilarious.
Perhaps with this they’ll have a stately lead charging about with marimba arpeggios in the background and little opera chorus boys can be dressed as snowflakes who turn around with their arms above their heads. One of them falls over and his mother in the front row yells at him to get up. Then they all start to melt when the yellow light comes on. That’s global warming. Symbolically.

After yesterday’s beating from the Chinese, Sharon Stone is still being kicked while she’s down only this time it’s by the people at Dior. TMZ reports that after Stone claimed that the recent earthquake that killed tens of thousands of people could be considered karma for human rights abuses committed by the Chinese a sector of the Chinese film industry stated that in response it would no longer air her movies and now Christian Dior has pulled all ads featuring her face from Asia. The official Xinhua News Agency said in a commentary Thursday she was the "public enemy of all mankind."

Oh now come on everyone in the world. Hang on. Just calm down and wait a second. Sharon Stone was just speaking her mind. She’s really just doing what she normally does, which is to say whatever comes to mind with dramatic, Pinter-esque pauses. She makes it up as she goes along with the best of intentions and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. That’s the great thing about Sharon Stone. You just sit back and watch what happens and try to ignore the slurring.

She even apologized by saying:

"Due to my inappropriate words and acts during the interview, I feel deeply sorry and sad about hurting Chinese people," Stone said in the statement. "I am willing to take part in the relief work of China's earthquake, and wholly devote myself to helping affected Chinese people."

And it’s not like she doesn’t know her stuff. She knows what she’s talking about it’s just that maybe somewhere between her mind and her mouth it gets a little scrambled every now and then. This is really all Sharon Stone does now; she goes around the world attending events, raising money, speaking her mind and wandering about in gowns. It’s just not fair to take away her wandering, speaking opportunities in Asia. Come on China and Christian Dior. Give the dear woman a break. She’s dancing as fast as she can and she’s a class act. [source]

Just as inexplicable interest in the marriage between Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson has died down, they have announced that Ashlee is indeed pregnant through Pete Wentz’s site, “”. It’s just another wave in the self propelling fluff campaign that is the Wentz Simpson Empire of Nothingness.

Here’s the quote:

"While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family." - Pete and Ashlee Wentz

Look at that! She’s changed her name. Well, it’s like I always say: Republican women know their place.

God, I have a hard time with these stories. With the general realization actually. I have a hard time with the general realization that Pete Wentz may be more of a douche bag than I am willing to admit. Ashlee Simpson is a created LA product like P!NK or Lavigne except she’s even more pathetic because she’s not filling the mainstream cultural space between something and it’s polar opposite – she’s actually filling the cultural space between her sister and her sister’s cultural opposite. So, it’s this insular family thing. Here we have the ditz blonde country singer and next to her, the faux punk anti-establishment answer to it. Ashlee Simpson’s pointlessness has never shocked or disappointed me. Hell, my ex boyfriend and I had a good laugh at one of her songs once and it was cute.

Wentz on the other hand is hot and was kind of progressive. He’s sexy and open but now it’s all just calculated bullshit and the edginess is now a product as well. It’s like he’s the personification of wearing tight grey jeans, a low cut V neck t shirt from American apparel, Rayban Wayfarers, a pork pie hat, checked Vans and a Palestinian scarf around your neck. It’s a commodified generic look.

I also find it difficult to believe that, with reports that Tony Romo will only date Jessica Simpson if Joe Simpson backs the hell off, that Pete Wentz wasn’t beaten into submission by Joe which means he’s even more spineless. Just sign the contract, cash in and don’t look up for the crippling disappointment on your teenaged fans’ faces, Pete.

When are we going to get the Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson flavoured breakfast cereal. It’d be black star marshmallows and then air. Like, it’d be mostly air. You’d get three marshmallows that are black but in the milk they’re really just blue. And then when you eat them you puke. Relentlessly for hours. You puke for hours and after those hours are up you wonder what the hell happened. Sort of like me now after writing this. You should SEE the mess. [source]

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Sharon Stone’s work has been banned in China because Stone said that the recent earthquakes were karma for their bad human rights record.

Wow, there are so many many factors here to think about and really no one gets off scott free. Firstly, Sharon Stone Sharon Stone Sharon Stone. I saw her in Vienna the weekend before last and she addressed the crowd at the opening ceremony of the Life Ball, which also is broadcast live on Austrian TV, by more or less freestyling the entire time. She really did seem like she made up the entire speech. I spoke to Alan Cumming about it and he said that he was talking to her a week before in LA about how he hated the word “faggot” and that’s what she spoke about so he was kind of amazed that she more or less stole his topic and point but he wasn’t angry or bitter about it.

She speaks in this weird way where she acts like you’re hanging on every poetic line she comes up with. For the most part she does pretty well but actually, she slurs a bit and speaks slowly so maybe her dramatic delivery comes from the effects of her medication. Maybe it is slowed down to translate well for TV. Either way, there’s something both genuinely impressive and heavily medicated about her.

I think we’re all fairly comfortable with the reality that it’s entirely inane to say that an earthquake is the result of Karma. Entirely inane.

China, on the other hand, is nearing boiling point with its preparations for the Olympics and they’re official policy on most films is to ban them. The Chinese government is banning films that have ghost themes and horror themes for some reason. As far as an idea goes, it’s a bizarre waste of time but apparently it’s important to them. Consequently, Sharon Stone’s work being banned in China is interesting but really, they were going to ban everything anyway so it’s just a matter of time.

China is ready to explode. Sharon Stone probably already has. Internally. This really just proves it. [source]

Sam Ronson has said that she and Lindsay Lohan aren’t actually lovers, TMZ reports, despite all footage that says the opposite. Plus, TMZ also ran a poll that shows 89% of people THINK they are and isn’t that all that matters anyway? I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t but I am having a hard time understanding how public opinion doesn’t translate to reality.

Anyway, so, even if they do make out in public, they still might not be an item. Lindsay Lohan is so completely demanding and needy that she might require that amount of attention before she can even leave the house to get say, milk or something. Lohan’s father seems to think it’s pretty obvious and he’s a freaky Christian so if even he isn’t in denial then it seems likely.

Plus, maybe Lohan is trying to rake it in after she’s let her life fall out all over the place and maybe Sam Ronson is being urged to kill the rumours. Sam Ronson can be a lesbian and still get work as a DJ. Lohan might have a hard time with it because I swear to God, I bet there are people in the flyover states who would cover their kids’ eyes from watching a Lohan movie or who would stop their kids from listening to her music if she were gay. Nothing else she’s done matters.

In short, Lohan might probably be a lesbian but her lover denies it. So, where are we now? I feel sort of tired.

I do enjoy the work of Wendy Ho though. I saw her last night at some homogenous gay bar and she is uniquely hilarious. Before that I went out to a party for Mao Magazine which was full of really high impact nightlife freaks, some of whom we convinced to snort pixie sticks by saying it was cocaine. There were women walking around dressed as burlesque artists giving out truckloads of candy like chocolate cigarettes and big lollipops. I was sort of just standing around on the fence about whether to try or to just bow out. Too many jittery people. Far too many. Hot but jittery and needy.

Just before this bows out: Lohan could be lesbian, might not be – that was the central point above.


Yesterday TMZ reported that Pete Wentz and his wife Ashlee Simpson went out and he decided to wear a paper plate over his face that read:

“Your Ad Could Be Here…E Mail

And because it wasn’t as story that was inherently connected to images of Pete Wentz naked I essentially glossed over it. But now, with a day to let it sink in, I really think it’s a travesty that Wentz is sinking to the crapulent level of John Mayer style douchebag humour. Plus, what happened to his hair? His flatironed hair? What happened to it? God, there are so many questions I now have.

This is the kind of thing Mayer would do, you really have to admit it. He would walk out in public doing something clever like that and then he’d be completely delighted with himself because he’s so clever.

People who study for a bachelor’s degree in political science come up with stuff like this. It’s all gimmicky and clever and based on antics. ANTICS. Oh boy, am I sick of antics that are just clever art. Clever art sucks and that’s what this is. These are the jerky, jittery people who get all excited because they have a budget to put on a play at university and it becomes the biggest thing ever for them because finally they can show the world how funny and smart they are. Why on earth do I care about this?

The thing is, let’s also quickly note that is a porn site too so look what Wentz is doing. He’s forcing young children to look at porn. I had to look at it. I'm mildly offended and scarred now.

Ok, so the point here is, Pete Wentz is becoming a douchebag in the same way as Mothering John Mayer and I find that disappointing. He’s always been kind of messy/contrived but at least he didn’t completely suck. God, John Mayer sucks.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The New York Post reports that a woman in Singapore shelled out $22,000 for what she thought was a package deal to come to New York and see the Sex and the City movie, go shopping, and hang out at Soho House and other exclusive places in Manhattan. Then she got scammed and her money was lost and she got nothing. The deal was bogus. Ok, sorry about that dear, you’re kind of an idiot for wanting to spend that much money on one inane trip and doing it through like ebay but you know, whatever.

I have a couple of questions about this story: Why does the sub-headline say she spent 19,000 dollars and the article say 22,000? Which is it? I am FAR too confused about these details and I simply shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be.

Secondly, the headline itself “That’s Sex-ual Stealing” : flat out genius.

My overall question about the Sex and the City movie remains, however, WHY is New York City yet to see the film when it appears to have been released in every god damned city in the universe first? Secondly, just because they got a full brass band and orchestra to play the theme music to it doesn’t mean it’ll be anything more than one long episode. I mean, everyone knows someone dies but really…is it really going to be that amazing?

I’m totally going to see it on Friday. Here's the trailer:


Us Magazine has quoted Michael Lohan as saying:

“their romance "is evident to anyone with half a brain." Still, he adds, "Just like the [topless] Marilyn Monroe spread, Linds is my daughter and there are just some things a father doesn't want to see or hear, regardless of whether they are true or false."

And he’s referring to her lesbian relationship with Samantha Ronson but clearly, the central point he is making is that Lindsay Lohan is his daughter and as such, he should be considered for public attention and media coverage again in the future.

The interesting thing about this is that if Lindsay Lohan were any other actress she’d probably make a bigger effort to make sure she wasn’t seen as being out. I mean, either she’d keep it under wraps like Wentworth Miller or Anderson Cooper does OR she’d just come out and be an adult (to the extent that she’s able to be an adult anyway) like Cynthia Nixon. Dina Lohan is denying that Lindsay Lohan is a lesbian obviously because she likes the drama and the self imposed censorship because it makes her feel like she’s got more potential to be mainstream famous herself. Just like when gay Republicans force their personalities into figurative corsets. They feel so much safer and better. Or Chelsea queens or mindless Christians for that matter. Homogeny is so much safer and easier than awkward self awareness.

Ok, but my actual point here is that compared to everything else, Lohan being gay in Hollywood just seems so completely like a non-issue. There are so many other insane things about her that lesbianism actually anchors her to reality. Especially compared to her ludicrous parents who keep insisting that people pay attention to them by saying how normal they are.

God, the Lohan family are annoying. I watched Living Lohan last night which is entirely about Dina Lohan and of course only peripherally about Ali. I really think Dina Lohan and Spencer Pratt should open a PR agency. They could call it Annoying Face Time and they should only take on clients like Michael Lucas, Ann Coulter and Satan. [source]

A German website has posted a report that, according to Perez Hilton, says Amy Winehouse now has to wear incontinence pants presumably because she doesn’t have control over her bowels. A typical scenario for Winehouse therefore, could be that she is walking down the street, singing a little song to herself while looking at gardens and flowers and kittens and whatever else, then she suddenly realizes she’s shat her pants. Oh, what a downer.

The thing is, I don’t have any idea what this news report says because it’s all in German so I’m just trusting Perez on this. I did read through it and I’ve figured out that “von” in German means “of” or “from” so that’s a nice thing and it means that I can tick that word off my list of words in German that I need to learn. The list now simply contains every other word.

Still, it’s interesting to me that the Germans would be reporting on the bowel habits of Winehouse and no one else should be. Granted, the story is based on one of those crotch shot photos and she could just be wearing white y fronts stuffed with toilet paper because she’s going to a drag king party. Perhaps it is far more likely that the Germans simply WANT Winehouse to be unable to control her bowels because that’s what Germans enjoy. They enjoy bowel failure.

OR – she’s about to try and move to Germany and she’s buttering them up by releasing stories in the media about how bowel centric her life is. Because that will win the Germans over. It could be sort of like when Madonna released “I Love New York” and everyone thought she was moving to New York and when Michael Jackson started slagging off the Jews because he wanted to move to Saudi Arabia. One thing is now for certain: celebrity diplomacy is so much more ill-conceived that regular diplomacy. [source]

Friday, May 23, 2008

Alright, so big surprise, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are setting aside 20 million dollars to have everything they need for the birth of the twins Jolie is carrying. It sounds like a lot but when you consider that the twins are the Twins of the Covenant, no amount is too small to pay. Their birth will herald the coming of a new golden age. I mean, that’s not new information and I’m assuming that a whole cult will form around the birth of the children.

Life and Style reports this breakdown of 20 million:

$332,000 is going toward a helicopter, which remains on call for when Jolie goes into labor* $3.3 million is the cost for the Florentine-style villa in the French Riviera that the couple reportedly rents* Nearly $100,000 goes to the nine cars the couple is renting.

That doesn’t add up to 20 million but look, who are we to question? I will not question the body carrying the Twins of the Covenant. Plus, that doesn’t detail how much they spend on security. Who pays for security? Is it the management company of the star? I’m assuming you can claim security costs on tax because it’s a “work related expense” but I mean, imagine if you were Tara Reid and you had no career but you had to have security so you didn’t get beaten to death.

Oh, GOD – so last weekend I was in Vienna and I was at a party with Debbie Harry and she had this bully ass fuck of a security guard who was such as ASS hole. I was pushed in line directly behind Blondie and he was so MEAN and pushy. I’m standing there going “look, I’m not going to do anything to your client…it’s a full room…just breathe…” but to no avail. So, I went on and tripped her over.

Just kidding. I didn’t bother to do that. I took photos of her looking like Faye Dunaway and sent them to media outlets everywhere.

So, in short, Brangelina are spending 20 million bucks on the birth of their twins but they aren’t actually building a medical wing onto their house – they’re just hiring 9 cars and a helicopter and then they’re renovating a villa they don’t own. Kick ass. [source]

MSNBC reports that Britney Spears is back in the studio playing music and singing and she may be releasing a new album next year. They suggest that there are no further details about what type of album, just that it might happen.

I have suggestions. Oh BOY do I have suggestions.

For one thing, for some reason I’m getting a really strong gut feeling that the work of Laurie Anderson would work really well if performer by Britney. I’m thinking Sharkie’s Night done by Britney but directed by David Lynch. Here’s the kind of thing I’m thinking of but I don’t think alterno-drag is the right medium. Britney needs to do her own cover of this:

God, that would work. It would really just WORK.

Ok, so to follow that up Britney should do something light, something fun so naturally that takes us to the Sound of Music. I’m thinking “The Lonely Goatherd” and she, of course, sings all the parts but I guess that goes without say seeing as that’s essentially how it’s written except for the chorus and the small parts by Marta. I just need her to sing all the character voices.

I also think it would be culturally prudent and indeed wise for Britney to play the part of Baroness Schreider in the music video who, while clearly having no lines in the scene, , displays a certain tension in her face beneath that delighted laugh as she ultimately begins to realize the pending demise of her relationship with Captain von Trapp. Brit knows about that kind of pending sadness. Plus, she played “good” and “bad” Britney in her other music video so she should be used to this kind of thing. Subtle displays of tension and disappointment are key but should not dominate.

Then, clearly, we converge effortlessly into an accoustic cover “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails:

Ok, so that’s it for now but I’m totally open to suggestions. These things don’t just happen in one fell swoop.

She must never EVER include spoken word bits between songs though. Janet Jackson’s last album did that and it wasn’t nice or good. It was just unreasonable. [source]

Whoever is doing the press for Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson deserves a freaking medal. The two of them have done no real actual work – apart from her album, yes, obviously but I sort of feel like it doesn’t count – and yet we’re still talking about them getting married, he maybe being pregnant, them going on a honeymoon or not or staying in their basement with blow up palm trees and a tanning booth blah blah blah.

Turns out they DID go away. Oh LOOK! They totally tricked us! They said they weren’t going away on a honeymoon but they did anyway. Just Jared reports that they flew into La Guardia last night. La Guardia! That's my New York airport of choice! It's 15 minutes from my place and it's not even noisy where I live! Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson were 15 minutes from my place last night!

Pete Wentz at my place aside, this is a completely inflated nothing story that exists and is perpetuated purely because it denies itself. It’s like everything to do with it is based on nothing.

I can’t quite figure out why I'm still interested. I think it’s because Pete Wentz is undeniably smokin’ hot and at least at one point Fall Out Boy had a certain edginess. Ashlee Simpson never really had any edginess because she was always just the clamoring younger sister of the Spears replicant. She was defined by not being Jessica Simpson who in turn was defined by not being Britney while being her at the same time. She was Spears lite. But also Spears bland. Oh whatever.

So, my point is, it’s sort of interesting to think about what happens to someone like Ashlee Simpson when you infuse her with someone who was once identifiably human. Sort of like in the Neverending Story 2 when Jonathan Brandis wishes that the evil queen had a heart and she cries and feels pain.

Of course, Wentz isn’t human any more so it ultimately doesn’t matter. He’s now sponsored by everything and doesn’t do anything except say he’s not doing something before then doing it and creating a stir.

It’s like there’s a point but there isn’t. You have to really think about it to realize there’s nothing to think about. God, but he really is hot. [source]

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The galactically fat pederast boy band producer, Lou Pearlman, who brought us such greats as Nsync, Aaron Carter and Ritchie Stringini, is finally going to jail for 25 years for swindling the hell out of a range of people and banks to the tune of 300 million dollars.

He had proposed that he be allowed to launch another boy band in Asia and the US (with the supervised use of internet and phone) so he could pay back a heap of the money and when you think about it, it seems like a good idea except for the fact that it’s entirely preposterous to allow a fraud the chance to pay back his debt by ostensibly conducting fraud again.

I find it astonishing that that’s how his mind works. He never stops thinking about how to stay in the game and keep churning up money. IT sounds almost like a serial killer or sociopath who has been taking into custody and who is in a silent room with one light and yet they persist, despite the fact that they’re at the end of the line, in rambling about how they’re not even going to swat a fly.

I read this entire article in Vanity Fair about Lou Pearlman on the plane coming back from Atlanta once and it was astonishing. At one point he was so fat he would sit on a couch and his stomach would hang down and touch the floor. Then at the end of the feature a housekeeper points up to the house Lou Pearlman lived in and says something like, “Keep away from there…bad things happen in there…”

Yes, bad thing. And FAT things too. Very very fat things. [source]

Here’s Matthew McConaughey appearing in an ad for a Gucci fragrance. Here, he’s doing what he does best: Appearing topless. I don’t just say that because he has a rockin’ bod. It’s actually the main source of his appeal seeing as his acting really isn’t that good. Well, let’s just say that the power of his torso outshines the power of his acting ability. Sadly, though, Matthew has, as the Daily News is reporting, decided to stop appearing topless in the US – although, it’s apparently ok if he does in Asia and Europe. This is apparently a move to “ preserve his dignity” presumably so he can do work that relies a lot more on his actual talent.

It would seem that his decision to remain shirtless in Europe and Asia is probably because Europeans don’t see an intrinsic link between walking around with your shirt off incessantly to muster up publicity and a lack of talent- I guess because they aren’t relentlessly burdened with attention craving whores day in and day out who can’t read but who have massive breasts or a rock hard bubble butt.

McConaughey also probably makes top dollar in Asia as a high class escort so there’s no reason for him to kill that market.

I can’t help equating this with someone like Scarlet Johannsen and Corey Feldman releasing albums. It’s entirely about over stepping the line of ability. Stop trying to do more and keep up what you’ve got going, Matthew. You’re good at walking around on the beach in shorts while pretending the paparazzi aren’t there. Stick with what you know. [source]

Page Six reports that Kirsten Davis, the actress who played Charlotte York on Sex and the City and the same basic character on Melrose Place is a recovering alcoholic who never drinks. They frame it around the fact that people buy her cosmopolitans all the time and she never drinks them.

Isn’t that interesting? I’m slightly fascinated because I always thought she was a tremendously limited actress who wasn’t that engaging and that’s not just because her character on Sex and the City was so loathsome. This new little bit of information makes her accessible and actually human. I mean, her work sure didn’t.

Charlotte York drunk would be really interesting. Everything would pour out in an ugly, unstructured manner. Her face would morph into a black hole with teeth and she’d salivate a lot. Like, pieces of mucusy saliva would fly out as she flailed about. Ok, I just watched Transformers, maybe some of that is playing out in my head. The flailing about bit anyway. Or maybe that’s Terminator. I vagued out half way through and just replaced what I missed with scenes from Terminator. Actually Terminator 2.

So, anyway, Kirsten Davis is a recovering alcoholic which means that, to me, she just got interesting. [source]

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

And it begins.

Page Six reports that Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon was out with his friends and he got a text message from Mimi who was demanding he come home by 1. She was obviously the one paying.

See, this is the real situation here. This is the real story of what it would be like to be married to Mimi. It’s not all free lunches, rides in Maybachs and a career in acting by association. No, it’s about living in a cage where you’re controlled relentlessly by the cripplingly needy ego of a woman who cannot give up control and who is as demanding and insecure and volatile as a volcano. Well, that was a crap metaphor but you know what I mean.

So, this is why it’s not a good idea for a woman like Mimi to marry anyone but her executive producer. She should have done like Celine Dion did. She should have never strayed from the main focus of her life and that is unbridled overcompensation for her fragile self esteem by performing generic, easily translatable music on a massive, global scale to hoards of people with a bit of cash who lack any internal critic.

Now Nick Cannon will be eaten alive, maybe even literally and Mimoo will be left alone and she’ll act out. And that’s not going to be pretty. It’ll be hilarious and amazing but not pretty.


I’m not sure whether this item in People Magazine is meant to be some sort of roundabout damage control for the public perception of Dina Lohan or whether it’s meant to make us feel less horrified in general about the idea that another Lohan kid is being dragged through the publicity circuit by her mother and she’s not in school like every other kid her own age.

Regardless, People has quoted Ali Lohan as saying that she was once bullied at school by some girls who made a film about her and used “disgusting” language. She specifically used the word “disgusting”.

"A little while ago ... a couple of girls in school made up a video of me and put it up on YouTube," Ali – whose E! reality show, Living Lohan with manager-mom Dina, debuts on Memorial Day – tells PEOPLE exclusively. "They used disgusting words. Like if my mom ever heard me say that stuff, I'd be grounded for life! ... They're disgusting kids. I got really aggravated."

Just as an aside, I like that she was so able to explain her feelings. What did you think of the kids who made fun of you, Ali?

They’re disgusting kids.

And how did that make you feel?

I got really aggravated.

Excellent. I think we’re really making some progress now.

I do find it mildly impossible to believe that her mother would ground her for life if she ever used bad language. Especially seeing as you know that the only thing that separates Dina Lohan from being completely outted as a potty mouthed truck stop diner waitress who chews gum relentlessly and lets the truck drivers grab at her as she walks by cause it gives her self esteem a quick boost is the fact that she’s demanding clothes and free haircuts and makeup sessions from anyone she can get it from by dropping her daughter’s name. She’s a swearer and she totally sits on the couch with her kids and eats frosting late a night. She’s one of those mothers who fluctuate madly between being the parent and being the best friend. I had a music teacher like that in high school. Completely ludicrous woman who lived vicariously through her students and then freaked out and insisted they treat her with respect. She was my Dina Lohan and she swore.

So, in short, Dina Lohan is trying to make people think she’s a good mother and she’s forcing her kid to tell the press about it. [source]

Monday, May 19, 2008

TMZ is reporting that Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag ate about 800 dollars worth of food at an LA restaurant and then tipped basically nothing. They’re apparently as cheap as they are pointless.

See, here’s the thing. I just went to Vienna for the weekend and it was actually amazing. I talked with Sophie Ellis Bextor about all sorts of really freakish things including whether or not the English really do like Sploshing and then when she told me she uses the riding crop she was carrying to make her 4 year old son clean his room I said, “You know, if you keep that routine up while wearing the latex dress you’re in your son will either grow up to be a genius artist or a really complicated fetishist” and her husband, this guy from the UK band “The Feeling” who was adorable, stood there nodding. It was some of everyone’s finest work.

When you come back and find out that not only are Spencer and Heidi still alive, they’re getting press for not tipping – it just knocks you the hell back down to an unusually low quality and almost grating level of reality. Ok, let’s be honest – I want to put my face on a railroad track and have it repeatedly nibbled by several rats who are squealing and running all over me in a jittery, rat-like manner. That’s what I want.

Would someone please just penetrate Spencer Pratt so afterwards he sits there in the corner and quivers and then never speaks again? I get the feeling that if he doesn’t speak again Heidi will melt away too. [source]

Joe Piazza of the Daily News reports that Al Reynolds, the former fashion accessory of the recently shrink wrapped and, it seems, perpetually unemployable Star Jones, is shopping around an interview about his marriage to Star Jones and he wants top dollar for it.

It’s not entirely surprising that he is doing that as selling his ass is probably not something he can continue doing forever so he’s going in for the big cash-in now. Although, the interesting thing about it is that he was the one everyone thought was a fraud. She may have been maddeningly fat and then suddenly shrink-wrap thin but her headspace in the marriage was something any fat girl can relate to – he was sexually unthreatening and essentially hot and she was finally able to get that insanely self indulgent wedding she’d always imagined she’d have but then kind of gave up on and then had anyway. So, it was totally validating for her and she was the victim. I mean, she’s an idiot, narcissist but she’s still the victim. At least, in a re-telling that lets her off the hook for having no internal editing facility or responsibility for her own life. Wouldn't an interview with her be better TV? He wasn't even really that important. He was sort of like K-Fed prior to the "unpleasantness" but slightly more lame because he's gay.

Al Reynolds should join forces with Dina Lohan. They could go on TV and co-host a show together where Dina interviews celebs who just sit there while she talks about how their work feels like its just about her in between drinking and smoking and fixing herself more drinks. Al on the other hand is the sparkling prize presenting model. He can then talk about what it’s like to be heterosexual and successful in a segment called ‘Al Reyonds gives you advice”. Ultimately the show would actually be a trainwreck and most people would tune in to see how delusional it got.

In short, Al Reynolds is holding on for dear life and no one will ultimately care for a multitude of reasons. [source]

Speaking of blog posts based on short youtube clips, here’s the preview to Baz Luhrmann’s newest film project entitled “Australia” which stars Nicole Kidman. The film doesn’t come out until November but we still get the preview now – just to get us worked up.

This is an interesting move on Baz Luhrmann’s behalf because ultimately, Australia punishes its successful celebrities who leave the country by trashing them for years until they come back as either bigger celebs or they come back and act like they love Australia again. It’s only when they get to be much bigger celebrities like Nicole Kidman and Russell Crowe that they’re liked again no matter what. So, I wonder how Australia will take a film called Australia by Baz Luhrmann. Nicole Kidman even uses her original voice for the film. I wonder how expensive it was for her to get back to that place…psychologically.

Actually, he’s big enough to be considered an international celebrity who is more or less beyond Australia’s tall poppy syndrome lashing out but if Australia feels for even one minute moment that it can’t feel like it owns the film in some way it will trash him relentlessly. Australia can sometimes act a little like a petulant b list celebrity pulling rank in line at a club. Ultimately though, Baz Luhrmann’s work is far more about the visuals than anything else so as long as there’s plenty of footage of the outback and sheep Australia should be fine. You aren’t allowed to forget the plight of the farmers and land battlers. They’re the real heroes.

The thrilling news from E! is that “Living Lohan” premieres next weekend and, as is the case with all reality shows, the real hook and anchor is not the linear narrative they’re purporting it is. It’s how annoying the person at the center of the inanity is.

“Living Lohan” is supposed to be about Dina Lohan, the gorgon-esque mother of Ali and Lindsay acting as the manager for Ali Lohan as she tries to get her famous. Ok, so, then theoretically we’d see her auditioning and getting parts, not getting parts, being trapped in traffic, making the shoot, not making the shoot, wanting to eat macaroni and cheese with her friends while watching The Hills, not being allowed to eat macaroni and cheese with her friends while watching The Hills because she’s on a diet and because they have to go to a shoot or audition at which she may or may not get the part.

I suppose it will be that and a whole lot more – minus Lindsay who decided not to take part because she thought it was a bad idea – which, is in itself an astonishing indication of how vile it will be.

But far more than anything else, this show will be about the depths of delusion of the mother. It was basically be about how insane and ruined Dina Lohan is and the plot won’t really matter.

Plus, it will also be about trying to figure out whether Dina Lohan knows how screwed she is and what her angle is so she just hams it up or whether she’s actually a hideous hell-mother Mama Rose who can’t see that she’s a trucker beast with an ego the size of a small African nation.

See how it’s all about chaos and drama and fluff and yet we will watch anyway? I refuse to watch a lot of reality TV because I feel like it just wants me to get angry and therefore to get addicted to the full on adrenalin rush of hatred but I will have to watch this. I simply must.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Following on from that last post about the runway paparazzi walk, here are more shots of celebs being interviewed in the blazing heat. Blazing. I mainly got Debbie Harry (who is notably mean I might add), Amanda Lepore and male supermodel of the 90s Marcus Schenkenberg.

Once the Life Ball plane landed, we had to get off the plane and walk onto the runway down a red carpet where all this media was waiting for us. I mean, clearly not me specifically, more the actual celebrities but still, the funny thing about these types of things is that they'll photograph you anyway just in case you happen to be famous and they don't know who you are.

This charming little number is French Vogue cover model and New York nightlife illuminati Andre J taking me through what he was eating for breakfast on the Life Ball plane.

Here's another post from yesterday in Vienna at the Life Ball Press Conference.

Kim Cattrall, ever the self promoter, spoke about her character on Sex and the City and claims she always has a condom in her purse.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Here's a video I just shot at the Life Ball press conference a few hours ago in Vienna. Kim Cattrall opened her speech by speaking in German. Beat THAT Sarah Jessica Parker.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I’m just about to race out the door to fly to Vienna for the weekend because I’m covering the Life Ball on Saturday but before I do that Britney Spears is going to Costa Rica with Mel Gibson and her father, Jamie.

The Insider naively suggests that the two of them make an unlikely duo but I that’s completely ridiculous. I’m pretty certain that with her southern upbringing and her willingness to pretend to be an innocent virginal school girl who is actually a complete whore Britney Spears is a Republican. I mean, she’s probably as Republican as Jessica Simpson, Lauren Conrad and Heidi Montag. Well, maybe more. Those three are just Republican because of their parents. Britney trusts that Bush should be let to do whatever he wants. Mel Gibson and Britney Spears as likely as Bush and Cheney.

The thing about these Republican celebrities is that they stick together. They stick together so they can keep the veiled threat of their existence alive. On the outside they do the whole Hollywood kiss kiss, smile, wave, “love you, mean it…” thing and then secretly they get together and plot. I’m pretty sure that’s what happening.

Mind you, whatever plot old drunk ass anti-semite asshole Gibson comes up with over a solid night of eating barbecued whatever with fat then thin possibly insane Brit would probably rival what I would imagine were the unpublishable bits of Hunter S Thompson’s “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”. Unpublishable because they were incoherent even for Hunter S Thompson.

I would NOT be surprised if Brit shows up at the Republican National Convention to perform for John McCain. She’ll show up and she’ll walk out in a white hood on a horse. Yes, that’s where she’s headed. For some reason I don’t see Jamie Spears as a Republican. Britney however will be feasting on the flesh of pregnant, black lesbian. Mel has it shipped in. [source]

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Just in case anyone was in doubt about the fact that religion is the stupidest thing on earth, Page Six is reporting that the new Plaza Hotel on Central Park South was literally days away from opening after years and millions of dollars were spent renovating it into private apartments, and the mother of Itzhak Tshuva, one of the owners, died which, according to Orthodox Judaism means that no celebration event may be staged for a year. Not that it's irrelevant that there was a death, just that hysterical religious rules have really fucked that development property badly and no one can say anything. I would bet money that some rabbi somewhere will come up with a rationale as to why it's ok to proceed in a short period of time. There will be some arbitrary change of rules for this.

Ultimately, I don’t really care that much about whether or not the Plaza opens because there’s no way I’ll ever see the inside of one of those places unless some kind of insane fate steps in but I wonder how many people are having aneurisms at this point. When I think about this story, all I can see is rows and rows of slightly overweight businessmen in gray suits with red faces and necks bursting over collars sweating, with veins bulging on foreheads, shaking with rage but repressing it all when Tshuva walks in weeping. The funny part about this for me is repressed rage and galactic levels of stress in other people. [source]

Posh Spice has been quoted as saying something and all I can say is thank GOD:

“All the men that like me are gay. It’s true. I have a really strong gaydar. I do love gay men though,” The Sun quoted her, as saying.

And while my first reaction to this involved a really complex and strong excitement that firstly Posh is arguably able to think and secondly that she’s speaking again in public at all, my main reaction to this is, how, exactly, is this news?

Mildly chaotic, emotionally needy, demanding, looks obsessed ex-pop star whose face implodes at the sight of a camera is liked by gay men. Isn’t that about as obvious as saying “Man has cat for pet” or “Breathing saves lives”?

Of course your average gay man is obsessed with Posh. Straight men can smell a mile off that when there’s sex involved the inner tuna flows out of Posh like hot water running out of a tap and once you’ve gone there with her she’ll bleed you dry. Without sex, she’s just a dehydrated, lipgloss smothered inflatable doll in hideous belt-like dresses.

The type of gay men who like Posh are actually only shrill, jittery, idiot L A based stylist/publicists or over compensating diva wannabe retail queens – I mean, we’re not talking about people like Ed White or, well, me – and I don’t equate myself with Ed White but I mean, let’s just get some perspective here. The intellectually lethargic among gay men like Posh. Although, it really depends how fame hungry and celeb mad the gay man is. There was a piece on gawker written by a journalist who is gay about how glam and cool Ann Coulter really is. I mean, give them a chaotic woman in dark sunglasses and a gay man is anyone’s.

So, in short, Posh Spice has realized and says that gay men like her and that made the news in the UK. Then, the story was picked up all over the world – like for instance – the Times of India which is the story that I am linking to here and I, for one, am manically thrilled. [source]

God, conservative commentators are predictable and annoying. Page Six is running celebrity responses to Barbara Walters’ book “Audition” and the fact that in it, she talks about having several affairs with either married men or several men at once – namely Senator Edward Brooke, Alan Greenspan and Alan Greenberg. The report suggests that Walters is really feeling the heat now. Whoa!

"Barbara Walters is a shameless media whore," says Marc Dice, spokesman for conservative media watchdog group The Resistance. "Barbara has now sunk to the very level of other attention-starved celebrities such as Paris Hilton or even Steve-O from 'Jackass.' "

And look, I mean, he has a point really. Because there’s no way in hell that calling Barbara Walters a shameless media whore makes you a shameless media whore at all. Barbara Walters, at this point, is completely untouchable. She’s admitted the affairs, she’s admitted weakness, she’s maintained a fundamental diva-esque grace her entire career and so now, anyone who lashes out at her is essentially dooming themselves.

But then, sometimes, doom is far more marketable than your own personality and alleged talent which I guess is clearly the case with old Shrink Wrapped Carcass Jones and now Marc Dice.

The lesson here is, don’t ever mess with a diva like Walters. She has this ability to eat you alive while still smiling, sparkling under those stage lights and filtered camera lenses, selling her book and keeping everyone too afraid of her to ever suggest that it might be time to retire. [source]

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Sue Simmons, the New York NBC News anchor didn’t realize her mic was on last night and said “What the FUCK are you doing?” to someone and it went to air. She came back and apologized to the viewers.

I just LIVE for things like this. I cannot get ENOUGH of news anchors fucking up. I don’t mean when someone like Bill O’Reilly screams “YOU WANT ANARCHY!” at Geraldo Riviera for two minutes and it SEEMS like a mess. I mean when a stoic news anchor like Simmons, who is poker faced at all times, actually lets slip. It’s a little bit like Joan Crawford, it’s a little bit like Anderson Cooper being caught at the gym showering in underwear…it’s just a glimpse of the humanity behind the insistent wall of professionalism.

Like say, if the Queen was caught shitting in the mouth of one of her corgies or something. Yeah, just like that.

Oh God, FASCINATING! Beyonce Knowles is STILL refusing to confirm whether she and Jay Z got married in early April but thank GOD the press are still interested and clamoring for answers. Now people are speculating about whether or not Beyonce is pregnant. Just as an aside, wouldn’t it be interesting if they’d clamored for answers from the White House at any point during the last 8 years with the same intensity?

But anyway, this is really important.

What the hell is with celebrities who will walk about with their lovers, making out with them in public and getting married and then refusing to acknowledge their actions. Actually, I really can’t believe I am even wondering about this. Rihanna did it with whoever the hell she’s dating but that’s because she’s a robot and does what she’s told.

Beyonce is doing it so she doesn’t upset Jay Z and incur his wrath and get the stick again.

Essentially though, the deny deny deny, hint, show, act surprised, pull rank in interviews about decency and repeat cycle thing is just another way of keeping press attention. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are doing this too with invitations to their wedding being sent out but no specific location being mentioned. I mean, clearly the difference here is that nowhere near as many people give a shit about Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson unless Pete Wentz decides he’ll walk down the aisle naked which I can actually imagine him saying he’ll do because he’s predictable like that and it’s “edgy”. Pete Wentz is edgy.

I was going to write more about the Simpson Wentz marriage but there’s nothing to say and all I ever do is drift into some fictionalized account of what might have happened behind closed doors and it always involved Pete Wentz masturbating while standing in front of a mirror. And a fat, sweaty man in the background of a meeting eating fried chicken and wiping his hands on his shirt.

So, in short, Beyonce Knowles still may or may not have actually married and also may be pregnant because she may have put on some weight. Wow, great premise for an actual story Page Six. This is all happening in the same way that Star Jones may or may not have had stomach banding and Sean Bell may have been murdered as a racially motivated hate crime. [source]

Barbara Walters did Larry King last night to talk about her new book, "Audition" and she ended up addressing the Star Jones weight loss tissue of lies she and the other women of The View were allegedly forced into sticking to while Star was on the show.

Star Jones has, of course, been releasing statements attacking Barbara Walters since the book press began and with her it’s really just a desperate grasping at anything that will keep her in the public eye as her entire life falls apart. Because public attention is just as good as prozac when you’re a shrink wrapped Star Jones.

Even though I refuse to believe Barbara Walters is any less cunning or self serving than Star Jones when it comes to getting press attention, this whole situation is only ever going to work in Walters’ favour because Starr Jones is a proven liar and a greedy, attention hungry lawyer/pig and Walters has spent her entire career always portrayed herself as a graceful benevolent matronly master of her craft. She has been essentially asexual as well. When celebrities do that kind of thing, where they portray themselves as emphathetic but you still don’t know anything about them, for some reason the public aligns itself with them.

It’s that diva-factor. You know there was a lot of turmoil beneath the surface, there really had to be if Barbara Walters was the first woman journalist but she never lets out any emotional response. Consequently, when it comes to this fight between her and Star Jones, Star Jones will always always lose.

She’s shrill and demanding with a history of lying to the public and she looks desperate. She’s also proven to be unlovable as a human. Yes, proven. How could that win against a woman who has Diva appeal. It’s sort of the same as when David Gest said he was beaten up by Liza Minnelli. Who the hell was on the side of an unlikable freak like Gest next to a trooper like Liza? Same with the situation involving Marilyn Manson and Dita von Teese. I mean, on Perez Hilton cared about Dita von Teese but he relentlessly fauns over von Teese almost entirely because she never speaks and always looks good. That’s all it takes.

Barbara Walters is the all winning Liza Minnelli of this situation. Star Jones is the screeching slab of shrink wrapped tuna who is using this situation to hopefully get a job but with each passing phrase she utters she becomes even less likable. If that’s actually possible. I mean, he name is Star for Christ’s sake. STAR? What the fuck kind of NAME is that? [source]

Friday, May 09, 2008

Kim Kardashian, the dead on the inside C-list narcissist whore who is famous for having a sex tape and a fat ass, has just made a high production value Public Service Announcement about the recent cyclone in Burma and it’s honestly got to be seen to be believed.

For a start, to make sure Kim felt it was worth her time it’s set at the family store with the first shot being of the sign on the outside and then of all the wonderfully over priced crap you can buy inside and then it finally cuts to Kim who, with the speaking skill of a retarded yak, recites her lines about Aung San Suu Kyi being in prison despite winning the presidential election over 10 years ago. The whole time quirky cartoon music plays in the background and Kardashian tries on a freaking dress that, say it with me…shows off her ass.

Plus, all the girls in the film have that self absorbed, dumb skank west coast accent where they say “like” in between each word which, when you listen to it, is like having your brain bludgeoned with a mallet made of tired ass stupid entitled whore. Wow, that barely made sense. I’m just so astonished and disgusted, I can’t contain my sickened rage.

Someone, somewhere gave this film the green light and whoever did that, and I’m talking about someone who isn’t in the Kardashian family, needs to be fucking beaten and fired and then laughed at.

What’s good about it is that a huge amount of people came down on her like a ton of bricks in the comments section of her blog. There were still some amazing, oblivious comments like this one:

May 8, 2008 10:51 PMloves it! says:
kourtney is soo cute i love her!!!!! i always wanted know where she got her navy blue wedges at. matter of fact i love her whole outfit on the "kims a diva" episode when she goes to talk to scott. im soo random lol!

OMG – like, I’m a dumb ass whore too and you’re my fricking idol? Like, wow? I, like, am the life of the party after I have a few drinks? Like, when I want something I get it like that? Everyone knows not to, like, mess with me when I’m, like, mad? Like, I also couldn’t quite fit enough about ME in this so I, like made sure everyone knows know that I think I’m so random? Like, LOL? OMG, like, everyone at the retail outlet I work at in a strip mall in San Diego will think I’m, like, a superstar when they see my comment? Like, all we talk about all day is our idol Kim? Huh…like, wow?

All I want is for people who talk like that to be lascerated heavily. God, I’m so astonished at this I need a drink and I’ve stopped drinking mid week. This is as mindless and fucking self absorbed as any rancid assed Fabian Basabe/Paris Hilton charity dinner for something they have no interest in. The situation in Burma is an ongoing, relentlessly astonishing abuse of human civil rights that defies rational thought. Fuck this. Fuck you Ryan Seacrest. See the film here==> [source]

Further information on how fucked the situation in Burma is, including the aftermath of the cyclone is here
The film I worked on and co-wrote with ethnographer Lea Rekow about her secret trip to Burma can be read about here (the original site is down)
Information on ways to assist the Burmese people can be found here and here

Page Six reports that Jeremy Piven and that other anti-Spears product, P!nk were seen dancing together at some club called Green Door in LA and the interesting thing about this, apart from the fact that I could have sworn that P!nk was a lesbian, is that Piven and P!nk (fuck, that exclamation mark is annoying – it just makes everything slow down when you’re typing.

Fuck her, I’m not using it anymore) are actually remarkably similar entities when it comes to gender. Pink is sort of a boyish, masculine woman who acts like a faux punk in a way that channels masculinity, not in the corporately constructed way that Avril Lavigne does where it just channels spoilt brat entitlement and contrived social rebellion – Pink has something else, it’s still heavily fashion based but she has a lower voice and isn’t SUCH a freaking DOUCHE bag. Piven is a macho douchebag who is, admittedly really good in Entourage but I suspect that’s because his character, Ari Gold, is not really that different to his real personality. So, they both have a certain hyped up machismo aggression that they use to market themselves.

Joining them together is odd in a way because when you bring that amount of maleness together you’d expect for the end product to be inherently gay but it’s not because Pink is a woman. It’s like they would go out dancing and then go home and Ari Gold would prance about his house in plaid boxer shorts drinking beer and she’d keep up but would be wearing a sports bra and would be into whatever X-Box boxing game Ari had. They’d have sex but I don’t know what that would be like – I mean, besides some performative smacking.

Sort of like the way Ann Boleyn and Henry VIII had sex in the last episode of Tudors but with far less astonishingly organic sexuality. That scene was quite remarkable; especially when Ann slapped the king in the face and pushed him down, choking him. Also, Jonathan Rhys Meyers endless over reaching and unchannelled agitated, skittish energy finally FINALLY worked FOR him when he twitched like a confused teenaged lion as they lay next to each other breathing.

I think at some point Pink would talk to Piven about how she is sometimes into girls, just to test the waters and Piven would be ok with it because that’s his ultimate fantasy – being a predictable man – incidentally, why don’t women fantasize openly about being with two guys at once if men are into the idea of two women. I mean, in a general sense. I mean, straight girls in the East Village do but that’s because they want to seem edgy.

So, I short, Piven and Pink are sort of similar and them hooking up could almost be considered gay if Pink didn’t have a vagina – and by vagina I mean one she didn’t pay for 10 years ago. [source]

Maybe it’s because she sees a little part of herself in Miley Cyrus – and by “little” I mean “massively intrusive and visually prominent” and by “part” I mean “teeth” – maybe it’s just because she likes feeling as though people are actually listening to her. Who knows what is really going on inside that relentlessly smiling head but regardless, Marie Osmond is still sounding off about the Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair photos that no one else seems to care much about anymore. She’s saying that Billy Ray Cyrus is to blame for the photo shoot Miley Cyrus did. Oh, wow, cool. She’s got an opinion and she’s picking a fight with Billy Ray Cyrus. How Rosie O’Donnell. Also, how cripplingly desperate and transparent.

God, Marie Osmond is trying. She’s one of those aging celebrities who just keep hammering it out because they remember when they really were famous and they want it all back. So, they do tragic revival concerts and play to audiences of only fat fat fat suburban housewives and then the do reality shows where they use publicity stunts like fainting on camera to stay relevant.

Marie Osmond is clinging to every tiny little freaking thing she can to stay in the game and I just want to slap her. This is why you didn’t need to have eight children, Marie. Kids are expensive. But, I really think Marie Osmond could have all the money in the world and she would still be out there whoring herself for attention as well. She needs it desperately to fill that void. That crippling, empty cavernous hole in her soul. Oh damn. [source]

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Page Six reports that Donatella Versace is chiming in on the presidential race. Again. She’s made the statement that Hillary Clinton needs to wear more feminine clothes. Wow, kick ass Donatella. Way to shake off that general anaesthetic from whatever surge you’re getting done by offering up an almost carbon copy of the point you made over a year ago about exactly the same thing.

Here’s what she said this year:

"She could dress a little more feminine. She doesn't have to wear pants to show she is strong. She can wear a dress," she told guests at a New York Times Sunday Magazine event. Versace, who was wearing extremely high heels - "Think Empire State Building-tall,"

Here’s what she said last time she piped up:

"She's a woman and she should be able to show that," the sister of the slain Gianni added.
"She should treat femininity as an opportunity and not try to emulate masculinity in politics."

AND – I wrote about it here.

Good old Donatella. Always out there tanning, frightening children, galactically overcharging us for pants, getting stapled up and playing a crucial role in politics for the rest of us. [source]

Of all the things Barbara Walters talked about in her interview with Oprah on Tuesday, the topic that received the least amount of diplomatic glossing over was her rundown of the back story about Star Jones’ colossal weight loss. Star Jones, as we remember, was ass fat as an ox, she had the stomach stapling and then lost 160 pounds in a year and when she began to resemble a dehydrated shrink wrapped skeleton, claimed it was entirely because of diet and pilates. No one believed her. The women on The View had to follow Star’s lead and say it was because of diet and pilates but they all resented her for it.

SO – Walters spilled the beans about the back story and now Jones has predictably fired back.

"It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character," Jones told Us Weekly magazine.

Actually, it’s a logical day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life brands herself as an adulterer and speaks negatively of Star Jones for the sake of selling a book. Barbara Walters got to where she is by eating people alive and if you’re as madly narcissistic as Star Jones is and you turn your wedding into an insane corporate celebrity circle jerk as she admitted she did and you lie about your surgery for months and months then you’re handing out gossip dish for people like Walters to use against you.

Why wouldn’t Barbara Walters say all that about Jones? She said more or less the same amount of negating information about herself.

Plus, Star Jones deserves a bit of slapping down. Not only did she force us to swallow her ludicrous marriage to a gay hustler, but just in general, she is an annoying, self absorbed, self promotional narcissist who still wishes she could be a cheerleader in high school. She’s just about the right weight now to try out though so why can’t she just go through with it and get it over with.

Well, there is one problem. What is she going to do about all that extra skin hanging off her shrink wrapped carcass? It’ll flap around in the wind during formations and might slap the other girls in the face. She should probably either peg it up with clothes pegs or alligator clips or just get it sawn off. Yeah, that’d be great. Then she can tell the public that she grew into her skin by using sea weed wraps and steam baths. Oh wait, the public doesn’t CARE anymore. Shit. [source]

It’s pretty reassuring and also, let’s face it, thrilling that the Lohan parents are now back in the news what with the mother being given an award for simply being a mother who lives on Long Island by a gaggle/coven of chatty, bitchy suburban housewives whose dream it has always been to be quoted in OK! Magazine. In response to her honoring, Page Six reports that the father, Michael Lohan – sorry, the GODLY Michael Lohan, is outraged.

"Are you kidding! Top celebrity mom? Look at her off-screen antics, her lack of morals and how she conducts herself. I guess they forgot to mention how this top super-mom leaves her kids alone at night and even parties in their presence. Just wait until we go back to court.
"She comes stumbling out of Butter at 3:15 a.m. with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose, yelling 'Oh, [bleep],' when she saw the paparazzi," Michael raged to Page Six.”

Which, as a quote, is basically just as bad as anything he’s talking about when it comes to her for the simple reason that he’s talking to the New York Post about his family.

Thankfully, the Mother has responded by saying:

"I've allowed him visitation once a week, so I don't understand why he's doing this. He's jealous that I got the award. He even called the organizers and tried to talk them out of giving it to me."

Which is good because it rounds out the story; each person got a dig in.

Dina Lohan later claimed that Michael Lohan was trying to “destroy her” which is reasonable because when you consider how she conducts herself it would seem like if anything goes wrong in her life it would have to be because of an outside source as she’s such a moral compass. Look, I don't know how this is going to turn out but fucking hell, I've cancelled pretty much everything so I can sit here and just focus on them. I've got to find out. GOT to.

The Lohans are great. They really are. They have that certain facet of star quality which is a total and unwavering belief that anything they do – even down to the tiniest minutiae – is of universal fascination to the rest of humanity. Which it is. [source]

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Angelina Jolie may be having twins and her twins are going to be so much better than J Lo’s twins because they will be Wonder Twins with powers that don’t even need to be activated, but you know, Im far more fascinated with further proof that Pam Anderson is cool.

Anderson had a yard sale the other day and sold a whole crapload of her stuff, the proceeds of which go entirely to PETA. Now, PETA may the place where aggressive, vocal, extremely externally referenced and emotionally unstable people who experienced bullying at high school go to vent their frustrations and take their anger out on the world but at least she was doing something for charity. And, even though PETA are kind of annoying they did lampoon the Olsen Twins and that can’t be all bad.

So, the great thing about Pam Anderson’s yard sale was that, as reports, items for sale included a new golf cart, several chocolate fondue fountains, a large flat screen TV and her own used lingerie. What a trooper!

Firstly, there’s got to be nothing more astonishing than watching men in the mid thirties who are really emotionally 12 rummaging through the clothes bin in Anderson’s front yard looking for something that’s still warm and then finding it only to pay and then run home salivating over the idea of forcing some hooker to put them on. Or, maybe just running home salivating.

Plus, you know someone is a class act when they have several chocolate fondue fountains in their house. Not just one. Several. Because when you’re riding high on celebrity and residual checks, why not just grab the two or even three. Hell, let the neighbour’s kid play in one.

So, in short, Pam Anderson is still genius even if she is sagging slightly. [source]

Yeah well, what a freaking surprise, Madonna’s dragging out all the old quality material to get ass much publicity as possible. The Daily Mail in the UK has reported that Madonna went on stage in Paris and made out with a girl – shock freaking horror – in another effort to get publicity for her new album, “Hard Candy” in which she danced with Justin Timberlake and Timbaland – so she could drum up the notion that she’s not just a fake English accent wielding 50 year old matron who paints her sheep red and green and goes hunting for pheasant which she then probably doesn’t even eat.

Usually, when TV shows get to the point where they’re at the top of their game and they are more or less going to sink in ratings and quality, they get axed or they finish so that the actors and people involved get to ride out high on the memory of the quality material they produced.

Not Madonna.

No, Madonna hasn’t put a foot wrong her entire career (well, except for her insistence that she appear in films) and she’s been in control and a gorgon-esque ambitious diva who has beaten the world into submitting so she’s not going to wilt any time soon.

By the genuinely interesting looks of things, if Madonna’s out there sucking face with women on stage again – even though the first time it was interesting, it means she’s probably slipping from her pedestal – Joan Crawford style - and in actual fact, when you think about it, she actually looks remarkably similar to Faye Dunaway AS Joan Crawford in “Mommie Dearest”. Consequently, I really don’t think she should be beaten down in the media, I think she should be left to continue on this path until she’s a drooping carcass whose breasts drag along the floor and she’s unable to remember the words to her own music.

That would be progressive and hilarious and important. Yes, important is the word. She’d be the Louise Bourgeoise of the pop music world and that’s something I want and NEED to see. [source]