Friday, June 29, 2007

Week #26 in Review

The week when Paris emerged from her celebrity cocoon proved that hyper Hilton saturation has begun but so too has the beast herself morphed in ways we will only gauge as the weeks ahead unfold. TMZ, always with their finger on the button kicked off what eventually became a blow by 15 – 30 minutely blow of what was happening as the Hiltons went to the jail to pick up Paris as she was released. Their first post was a report that suggested the first thing Paris might want to do when she gets out is eat Taco Bell.
Fundamentally though, the behavior of those around her, including the editorial policies of the news organizations when it came to her, were far more interesting than the innocuous posing of Paris Hilton herself. Larry King interviewed Paris the day after she got out and she didn’t answer any of the questions in depth and it was widely accepted that she lied about her drug use. Barbara Walters, moments before Paris emerged announced that she didn’t want to interview Paris about her time inside because it felt “tawdry”, Anderson Cooper poured relentless rage and disapproval on her for an hour explaining that he felt she hadn’t done enough with the resources she inherited from her family – unlike he had, being a Vanderbilt and Perez Hilton did not comment at all and simply drew a halo above her on the picture he posted and provided a link to the transcript of the interview.

Meanwhile, across the pond, as Tony Blair left 10 Downing Street, he handed his list of suggested knighthoods etc. to the Queen and it was discovered that Victoria Beckham was on the list. Despite being on such an elite list, the Daily News in the UK reported that underneath her exhaustively prepared exterior, Posh Spice has bunions which will more than likely need to be removed with surgery. The Spice girls announced they would be having a reunion tour which would net each of them 20 million pounds.
While still in rehab, Lindsay Lohan’s court date for having cocaine and alcohol in her blood when she crashed her car over the Memorial Day weekend drew closer prompting speculation as to whether she will eventually serve jail time – particularly in light of the heavy sentence Paris received and Lilly Allen was arrested for punching a paparazzi in the face in the UK.

Britney Spears and Isaiah Washington both made the claim that the time they were required to spend in rehab was bogus as it was ineffective rehab treatment and they both stated that they felt they were not in a state that actually needed treatment. Despite her apparent lack of substance abuse problems however, Britney Spears turned down the offer to appear on stage with Cindy Lauper in her True Colors tour because they would not let her lip sync.
Laura Albert, the actual person behind the fictitious literary character J T Leroy, announced that she would be interested in posing for Playboy, Elizabeth Edwards called in to Hardball with Chris Matthews while Ann Coulter appeared live on the show and told her to stop being mean. Ann Coulter countered her request by telling Edwards to stop raising money out of publicity the Edwards camp got from fighting with her in her media and during an interview with a journalist, Amy Winehouse carved the words “I Love Blake” into her stomach, presumably with a sharp object of some kind.
It was revealed that OJ Simpson did not actually write a word of the unpublished book that bore his name entitled “If I Did It”, in Sweden, Justin Timberlake repeated verbally abused fans and paparazzi for taking his photo, Kate Moss and Pete Doherty appeared together in a fashion spread for Roberto Cavalli dressed as Cleopatra and Marlon Brando and Willa Ford, the actress who is currently being filmed playing the part of Anna Nicole Smith in the telemovie about Smith’s life, revealed that the part of Anna’s mother, Virgie Arthur will be cut entirely from the telemovie.
“We didn’t write the mother in to the film on purpose. She is not in the movie at all,” said Willa Ford. “She just doesn’t deserve to be in the film. If there is one thing Anna wouldn’t want, it’s her mother in a movie about her life.”

In world records and notable number news: The title of the World’s Ugliest Dog went to a hideous travesty of a Chihuahua, Chinese crested cross named Elwood, Champion Hot Dog eater Takeru Kobayashi announced, to his dismay, that he has a jaw injury and will probably not be competing in the competition at Coney Island this summer, a Californian judge ruled that a financial transaction that was written out in actual blood to the value of $US140,000 was not valid and in the drawn out law suit between an administrative judge and his dry cleaners, the suit which was asking for 54 million dollars in damages for a pair of lost pants, the presiding judge ruled in favour of the dry cleaners.

In the North America, a law enforcement officer was arrested for forcing two women to perform sexual acts on each other in a cell after he took them back to the station on suspicion of drug use despite the fact that they had displayed no signs of intoxication, Jane Baligh of Seattle who registered her dog to vote and then actually had him do so to prove how easy voter fraud is announced she would plead innocent to charges that could land her in jail, a man was arrested when he insisted on standing naked in a salon where the stylists only wear lingerie and the first ambulance built specifically to transport the morbidly obese was unveiled in Canada.

In Europe a 22 year old American was arrested for swimming naked in Rome’s Barcaccia Fountain and a teacher was acquitted of charges that involved her forcing a student to repeatedly write “I am a retard” as punishment for homophobic bullying.

Over in Asia, locally famous singer Himesh Reshammiya was in trouble for attempting to sneak into a Muslim temple in India wearing a burqa so he wouldn’t be recognized, the Chinese government announced that during the Beijing Olympics no cab drivers would be allowed to have shaved heads, the Catholic church in Manila announced that there would be a dress code imposed upon attendees of mass from now on and the Indonesian government legalized the use of marijuana as a seasoning agent for food.
In Russia, the law enforcement agencies unveiled the second robot cop designed to fight crime on the streets. Its name is R. Bot 001 although technically the first one to be put to work rusted as soon as it rained. This one is said to be far more efficient.

“You can’t make it angry,” an official spokesperson said. “When it repeats the same thing over and over in a monotone voice, then perhaps the information will sink in”

It’s interesting that both the admittedly unhinged Isaiah Washington and the irritable Britney Spears have come out stating that they think their stays in rehab were bogus. Britney seems to have done it for reasons relating to legal pressure (as Lindsay Lohan is currently doing pending her potential jail sentence) and Isaiah Washington is saying that
"There is no rehab for homophobia—that was just some crap being put out by the network. I went into an executive counseling program which many people in this industry know about and go to.”

Not that we needed any real clarification about the political exploitation of “rehab” but at least here we see it withering and dying as described out of the mouths of two high profile people who went in.

That’s why people are currently getting arrested, dying and using racial slurs. Rehab isn’t really paying off like it used to in the old days.

Pain is the cleanser nowadays.
Again, slow news day – even the celeb stuff isn’t that great today. Paris goes to Hawaii wearing a black wig – GOD, who cares? The story about the wrestler, Chris Benoit who killed his family in a roid rage isn’t resonating for me so, I’m not talking about it. Consequently, here’s Jennifer Holliday and Jennifer Hudson (while we’re at it where’s Jennifer Coolidge?) singing a number saturated in the largest amount of gay appeal since Liza Minnelli worked with the Pet Shop Boys to cover Stephen Sondheim (which I have also graciously posted below)

And here's Liza Minnelli singing "Losing My Mind". Which of these two are more gay in general?

Also, here’s some Penelope Keith. I am sort of convinced that once Amy Winehouse goes home at night with her homicidal husband, behind closed doors she is actually alarmingly like Penelope Keith. Once the hair comes off, obviously.

Either that, or I may too, in fact, be losing MY mind.
Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Jane Baligh of Seattle registered her dog to vote and then took him to the polls and actually used a paw print to mark the ballot did so because she wanted to highlight how easy voter fraud was. Essentially, it’s the same kind of thing as putting a fake bomb on a plane to prove that airport security is lax. So, the dog voted etc. and now she’s faced with 90 days in jail and she maintains that she’ll contest the sentence. Ok, great. The people who do this kind of thing unsolicited are such attention seeking kids. They’re like the kids that speak out with their parents morals about Christianity – they are doing it to be noticed. God people who vie for public attention and approval are dull and predictable. [source]

Lingerie models are sort of like caffeine in the sense that you can take any product and infuse it with either and a certain group of people will buy that product. If you’re a straight man who is also a classless, desperate idiot, for instance, and you need a hair cut you go to a place where they women cutting your hair wear lingerie only. It’s actually not easy to become more lame than that – SO – props must be given to 48 year old Kevin Bean who was not only a patron of such a salon in Salem, New Hampshire but who also took it upon himself to get into his underwear as well. When he was told to get dressed he did the opposite and got completely naked. The hair stylists kicked him out of the store naked and called the police. When you’re Kevin Bean and that happens, do you have a personal revelation about the direction your life is headed? [source]

Lily Allen was arrested in London but it was just for slapping down a photographer which means that it’s official; getting arrested is the new death.

In the timeline, Anna Nicole Smith pioneered attention seeking when she died. That trumped the celebrities checking into rehab. Checking into rehab took over from saying “nigger” or “faggot” and saying “nigger” or “faggot” took over from releasing a sex tape. Of course, it’s not a neat timeline and you have over lapping instances of each but the general trend is evident. You know a trend is starting to wane when lower rung celebs like Jesse Metcalfe and Andy Dick start emulating the more famous celebrities and at that point no one takes it seriously. At that point, we mostly just roll our eyes.
Anyway, so Lily Allen getting arrested – great. If she wanted to get arrested for the press wouldn’t you try something a little less worn out? Hitting the paparazzi is a little old and tired – Princess Diana screamed at them way over ten years ago and recently Justin Timberlake took photos of them and called them assholes. Even Vivica A Fox got sassy with the law the other day and roped in a bit of racism. It’s all been done. Lily Allen needed to arrive with a bag from which she pulled costumes and midgets with rifles and she would then have them all re-enact a scene from “the Sound of Music.” Like, FORCE the photographers to sing and dance at gunpoint. She, of course, would be in the role of Fraulein Maria. The midgets would be holding the weapons but sometimes they could be chairs. [source]

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Cab drivers in Beijing during the Olympics will not be allowed to have shaved heads. So, they can have massive, expensive spittoons at vast expense but no shaved heads. Who exactly makes these rules? It really seems like the Chinese government is run by a mad hatter who lives in a tower. He never sleeps and he simply dances around in a sparkling gown issuing forth random arbitrary proclamations. But wait, shaved heads are actually difficult. You can’t tell what a person is thinking when they have no hair so maybe forcing people to have hair will be calmer for paranoid officials. What about naturally bald people? Also, what about things that actually need to be built and put in place for the Olympic Games? [source]

Law enforcement officer Norberto Cappas was arrested for forcing two women to perform a sex show for him in a cell. Cappas reportedly picked the women up for alleged drug use but it turns out they didn’t have drugs on them and weren’t charged with anything. Despite those two facts, he did take them back to the station and that’s where he started to aggressively direct his own private lesbian jail sex porn production live in a cell. Isn’t it also a possibility that he was directing Kabuki Opera and his two main cast members quit so he panicked? It’s a progressive theatre company that he’s in. Non traditional. [source]

Locally famous Indian singer, Himesh Reshammiya snuck into a Muslim Church dressed as a woman in burqa so he could avoid being recognized and bothered. Everyone was offended. Why? Probably because if he had been accidentally gang raped by a priest, the rapists would have felt really uncomfortable and he would have had to have worried about if they were gay or not. Only women are allowed to be treated like anonymous cattle. You know, there’s nothing greater than a “local celebrity” gunning for some publicity. This guy gets no slack though because in a perpetually mortified country like India, there’s no excuse for unfamous people when everyone is so easily shockable. He could very easily have been naked underneath that burqa. Next time we want 120% effort from Himesh Reshammiya. [source]

A teacher who forced a student to write “I am a retard” over and over again on the blackboard was acquitted. How can that kind of thing be considered ok? Because the kid probably was a retard. Kids can be pretty freaking annoying sometimes. [source]

While Paris Hilton was busy being both innocuous and the centre of international consciousness, a few other things happened.

When Lindsay Lohan crashed her car due to the myriad drugs in her system she was booked and now may go to jail. Well, it’s not certain but she was WAY more intoxicated than Paris Hilton and seeing as Paris Hilton went to jail, it would seem likely that Lindsay Lohan is currently sticking to rehab as a precaution. [source]

On his way out of office Prime Minister Tony Blair recommended to the Queen that Victoria Beckham be granted an aristocratic title enabling her already galactically entitled ego to expand even more. What exactly is it that gets you a title nowadays? Is it only something you get after you have pursued unending press visibility? [source]

Britney Spears was meant to perform with Cindy Lauper as part of the True Colors tour but she wanted to lip sync and they said she could only get on stage if she actually sang. That’s apparently out of the question. She seems so riddled with infection, anxiety and a crippling lack of coordination right now that if she did sing, it may be a show better suited to a scream therapy workshop. [source]

Laura Albert, the mind behind the fictional character, J T Leroy, who is pretty much hated by everyone at the moment for massed deceit, wants to pose for Playboy. Never mind the fact that she’s really more hipster/Lurch than Holly Madison, maybe it is the right thing to do. People like you more when you’ve been in a public sphere naked. [source]

But, even though this is all about un-Paris news, everything else aside: the Celebubeast is emerging. [source]

Writing the words “Paris Hilton” has become sort of like being trapped in Honolulu airport for three days at the end of summer when you’re trying to fly out of there on airline companion passes and you simply can’t get out because there are no seats available on any plane at all. They’re playing this rancid Hawaiian lounge music relentlessly and they keep making an announcement about second hand smoke that doesn’t even mean anything anymore because you’ve heard it so many times. It’s just noise and sounds that have lost all meaning. That’s what the words “Paris Hilton” have become. And yet, still we watch. Paris could in fact be a blank canvas upon which millions of people project themselves. Not Mika Brzezinski of MNSBC in the clip below though.

This is fundamentally astounding if a little unhinged and melodramatic.

As would be expected and in direct contrast to Anderson Cooper, Perez Hilton, in his ever continuing, whole hearted, never flinching political support of Paris Hilton didn’t write anything about her at all – he just posted a picture of her and drew a halo over her head. He’s like the Fox News of Paris Hilton. Surely, at this point, he’d be able to operate without her support. [source]
What was way more entertaining was watching Anderson Cooper on 360 straight after. He could barely BARELY contain his outrage at the fact that she even exists – continuously inserting his own little bitchy critiques on her character wherever possible. What’s interesting about Anderson Cooper doing this story is that way more of it is about him pitching his angle than it is about the story itself.

When Keith Olbermann said that Anderson Cooper’s schtick IS private life he was spot on. He’s a good journalist but he’s certainly no Christiane Amanpour or solid, reliable anchor and so here we are a nightly show that draws on alternate properties to maintain its relevance.

So, what do we get with Anderson? We get constant personally fuelled rage at Paris for not doing as much with her resources as perhaps would be admirable. Unlike…say…HE did, because remember, he’s a Vanderbilt. Just in case you forgot. Similarly, while Larry King has a simpler show format and, as Ken Sunshine pointed out – deserves kudos for actually getting through the hour with Paris not giving up anything at all – Anderson, with his apparent rage and annoyance at the time news organisations were giving to Paris, spent almost his entire show obsessing over her and using as many different journalistic ways as he possibly could to point out that she is a bad example of the rich and famous.

One great moment was when one of his panelists actually pointed out the similarities between Anderson and Paris and Anderson immediately roped it all back in and tried to uncomfortably toss the attention on his private life aside. Kind of like a celebrity who does charity work for the good karma and screams for no one to talk about it.
Paris Hilton on Larry King last night has got to be one of the biggest let downs in the history of this week. First off, she treated Larry King like the parents of a friend from private school. She was completely and utterly synthetic, painfully polite and sweet in that way that middle class parents who struggle to pay the exorbitant school fees tend to demand. She’s learned how to be seen and not heard quite well. There were a few moments where you could glimpse sincerity – mainly when she was talking about bad jail was but the rest reeked of pre-meditated preparation with a PR consultant and lawyer.

Ken Sunshine was right when he said that she lost credibility because she denied ever using drugs but then, this is sort of like the election. It doesn’t actually matter what people who work in media in New York or LA think, the primary demographic for Paris Hilton are the people who have no idea how it works. All they want to hear is that she doesn’t do drugs and that’s good enough for them. If she said it, they’ll believe it and then it will be ok for their kids to want a Chihuahua.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A Californian judge has ruled that a financial transaction written in actual blood is void. Stephen Son owed Kim Jin-soo 140,000 dollars and they wrote the contract out in blood while having a pleasant meal in a restaurant. Despite the written agreement, the judge quoted Nietzsche as he ruled that the blood pact was not binding. "Blood is the worst of all testimonies to the truth," he said. Can we have an American judge that makes the papers in a charming way that isn’t high? [source]

While it’s not ok to smoke marijuana in Indonesia, it is ok to cook with it according to the nation’s government. The article says, “Many of dishes in Aceh province, where hemp plants are grown, such as mutton and beef curry are said to be laced with marijuana seeds to give them a distinctive local flavour.”.That local flavor being the subtle, rank, exhaustive aroma of a pasty suburbanite who plays video games in his parents basement, keeps bags and bags of cheap sweets around and never ever gets tired of South Park. Wow, can I have another serving of Indonesian Slacker Beef? [source]

The selection of weird assed news from around the world is a little lame today so, instead, here’s some footage of quality news moments in right wing vs. left wing arguments from the week so far.

First up is the always fascinating train wreck, Ann Coulter being told to stop being mean by Elizabeth Edwards on Chris Matthews:

Then from earlier in the week we have High School student Jesse Lange standing up to Bill O’Reilly and a moronic, moralizing parrot from his school:

Amy Winehouse sat in an interview and, with a blade of some sort – obviously - slashed the words “I Love Blake” into her stomach saying that she isn’t in this to “be an effing role model” and her boyfriend, in a supporting role said to the interviewer while pointing to a man in the bar they were all in, 'Tell the guy who looks like he has leukaemia I'm going to slit his throat.'.

Re. the cutting: couldn’t she have waited until she was at home? How utterly distasteful and needy.

Meanwhile, is Winehouse the new rebellious teenager’s pop icon?

Pink and Lavigne emerged in a produced response to the cleanliness of Britney and Jessica Simpson and so the dichotomy was set up and it all seemed to work – Britney pretended to be a virgin who voted Republican and dressed like a school girl, Pink spent millions on stylists to make sure she looked like a psychedelic lesbian raver who didn’t do her homework because she didn’t feel like it. It all panned out even though the Avril Lavigne couldn’t wake up in a pool of her own socially aggressive , anti-establishment vomit if you paid her – which people were, in fact, doing - so who knows what didn’t get followed up on there. But Pink is sort of out of sight and Avril Lavigne is in meltdown because her nemesis is actually messed up and she can’t work with sincerity.

Cue the image lampooning, self mutilating English woman with a hole in her teeth, a surrealist bird nest on her head (which may actually be the source of her power), crazy tragic, almost film noire aesthetic vocals singing – with genius timing – about not wanting to go to rehab not to mention the Kubrickian husband.

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Winehouse and her husband go through interviews where they randomly threaten people and slash their bodies with razor blades and then once they’re outside they click back to real , breathe a sigh of relief, wander home for a cup of tea which they drink while talking in a tone reminiscent of Penelope Keith and Peter Bowles before a little afternoon nap.

That would just be absurd. [source]
So, it turns out that OJ Simpson isn’t BOTH the highly likely perpetrator of two homicides AND an author about how he would have done it if he had DEFINITELY done it. He’s just the former. The New York Post reports that OJ didn’t write the tasteful , “If I Did It” that Judith Regan was about to publish last year. OJ even stated that he spent time rehearsing the necessary crying for that interview that was meant to air on Fox News that never ended up going to air because it was apparently too horrifyingly crass even for viewers of Fox.

The audacity and gutter level nature of this particular plot twist isn’t surprising. It’s noteworthy but not surprising or worthy of all encompassing outrage. OJ has always had a penchant for gutter level attention seeking antics. The time he was interviewed by Ruby Wax in 1989 was a real Champagne moment; he stood behind a door, asked her to open it and when she did, he stood there doing the stabbing gesture from “Psycho” with a plastic banana. She explained that after the interview taping had been completed, his probably frazzled publicist called her to say that he didn’t want her to take it the wrong way – that OJ was just re-enacting a scene from his favourite musical. Cats.


It’s therefore not surprising that he would sign on to not write a book which spoke from his perspective about how he would have killed someone he insists he didn’t kill. As long as he was paid and his celebrity appetite was being filled – who cares?

What is ultimately more fascinating about this is the depths of OJ’s utter delusion and narcissism and where it leaves him at night when he’s sitting there in front of the mirror with no one else around. Taking off his makeup. You could throw a cat down into that emotional abyss and it would never hit the ground. That level of delusion and freakishness in someone who wants to be a celebrity and wants to be a role model is great. Again, not for the moral outrage – more for the freak show he is and what you could explain about humanity by considering him an exhibit.

That’s also to say nothing of Judith Regan who, in an editorial she wrote for the New York Post on November 17 last year said if sitting in front of OJ,

“And what went through my mind surprised me. Mental illness. Thought-process disorder. No empathy. Malignant narcissism.”

Funny, that’s sort of what went through mine about Regan when I read this but only in a fascinated, gawking kind of way. If someone actually did get him to write something it is bound to be far weirder than anything a ghost writer could produce. [source] [source]

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Always culturally ten steps somewhere near the rest of the world, Russia has just launched a Robot police device that patrols the streets looking for crime. The first one they built immediately rusted in the rain but this one has apparently been built to withstand more of the basic elements one comes in contact with while living on planet earth. How novel and forward thinking. They’ve named it R. BOT 001. “You can't make it angry. When it repeats the same thing over and over in a monotone voice, then perhaps the information will sink in," said the robot's handler. Yes, hopefully it will sink in. Either that or petty offenders will just turn it around and point it in another direction. Everything I have a gut reaction to say here is entirely derived from the plot of Robocob and 80s clich├ęs of New York culture. Like, street punks with bandannas and spray cans at night, near neon signs with switchblades thinking they can kick the robot over or spray paint the cameras but then they all get dumped in garbage cans and the audience cheers and I remain silent and roll my eyes. [source]
Gargantuan Canadians (they’re gargantuan because they’re so fat) can breathe a sigh of relief because ambulances built specifically to move their inhumanly large blob like carcasses around have been developed and put into circulation within the Canadian Health System. Let’s face it though, they didn’t need this to breathe a sigh of relief; morbidly obese people get to breathe a sigh of relief every time they blink an eye. I thought this would just be like a forklift with a mattress tied to it but it actually looks like an industrial sized truck with disarming colors painted on it. Colors always distract from soul crippling horror. [source]
What shit of a year it’s been for champion hot dog eater Takaru Kobayashi. With not long to go before the hot dog eating championships at Coney Island, Koabayashi has just written on his blog that he’s hurt his jaw. At least that’s the general gist anyway. The translation is computer generated so it could be conceptual poetry and nothing more. IT’s more fun to panic though so we’ll go with option 1. Only a few weeks ago he lost the title for most hotdogs eaten in one sitting to an American. Named Joey Chestnut for Christ’s sake. It’s one thing to lose but to an eternally smiling American with a cheesy name…well, that’s depression inducing. Or rage. Either way, it’s a bit of crap luck for the Japanese hog anus and nitrate gorger. [source]

The Daily News reports that in the making of the Anna Nicole Smith telemovie, the part of Virgie Arthur has been written out entirely just because the actors and everyone else think that Anna Nicole wouldn’t have wanted her mother involved in the story of her life. The actress playing Anna Nicole, Willa Ford, is quoted as saying:

"We didn't write the mother into the film on purpose. She is not in the movie at all," she tells Chaunce Hayden in Steppin' Out magazine. "She just doesn't deserve to be in the film. If there is one thing Anna wouldn't want, it's her mother in a movie about her life."

Well, look, that’s fair enough. She didn’t play a tremendously important role in the crafting of the delicate flower that was Anna Nicole at all so really, keeping her out of the script due to spite is no big deal. If this news is to be believed, this film is bound to be one of the greatest films ever made.

But, the thing is: we already knew it was going to be gold the minute the talentless attention whore Bobby Trendy signed on to play himself. Hell, the minute the words “Anna” , “Nicole”, “Smith” and “Telemovie” got put together in a sentence, a cultural triumph was born that could easily knock Stravinsky’s “The Rite of Spring” off its pedestal.

Who knew it was ever going to get better than Bobby Trendy?

No one.

Who is grateful and joyous now that a group of primate infants are apparently charged with making all creative decisions on set?

Drag queens. Oh, plus maybe middle America. [source]

The New York Times has more or less steered clear of any ongoing coverage of Paris Hilton’s incarceration. They covered her going in and they covered her, this morning, coming out again. While more than a thousand news items have been published about this,, possibly the polar opposite when it comes to an editorial philosophy on Paris Hilton, managed, as they did with the “Little Baby Dannielyn” paternity test announcement, to cover every single second that passed. Stopping only to more or less point out that they were spending a lot of time covering the Paris Hilton prison exit, they had us covered.

Here is the rundown of TMZ’s posts from the early hours of the morning (Pacific Time):

10:29pm - It’s speculated that when Paris exits jail she’ll want Taco Bell. The Hilton parents were cited as a source for this earth shattering insight and also, no doubt, picked up a nice check for the mention. Apart from the Taco Bell mention there’s literally nothing more to this post. Still, it keeps us all in the loop and that’s nice and gracious of

11:18 pm -Alright, so the entire thing has begun. The Hiltons have left their house and are on their way to the jail. Now, in case you don’t believe that they’ve actually left the house TMZ has provided video footage of the Hiltons in a moving car. So, we now know for sure that they’re driving a car and are heading to the jail. Ok, so that side is in motion. There's an update at the end stating that they've reached their destination. No time for a new post, just cram it into the old one.

11:59 pm - Oops, look at that. The Hiltons have officially arrived at the jail (where they were headed when they left the house moments ago – check previous post). Well, what do you know?! Even though the previous post had an update tacked onto it, it seems they WERE officially headed to the jail where Paris was incarcerated. Kathy and Rick are there to pick up their daughter. Wait, let’s not speculate about what they're there to do. Let’s wait and see what TMZ POSTS about it. Yes, good idea. For posterity’s sake.

12:15am - 15 minutes after her release this post went up saying that she’d been released. 15 minutes! Look, we need to know this stuff asap. We can’t be waiting around for 15 minutes about ANYTHING. She might already be at Taco Bell by now. She might! She might not be. How are we supposed to know what’s going on? Jesus, anything could be happening.

12:43am - Oh my GOD, it’s almost thirty minutes later and only now are we getting access to footage of Paris hugging her mother. Only NOW. I’m going to have to run for a half hour on the treadmill today (and it’s a non-gym day too) because during that that almost half hour of no information I inhaled a can of frosting to keep the panic at bay. Can we keep it a little more regular?

12:53am - As the Hiltons sit at a traffic light their SUV is swarmed by photographers. What we still don’t really know is how Taco Bell is, at this point, factoring in to their travel plans. Regardless, and now with sincere a lack of sarcasm here – look at what is actually happening. The closest thing to this in recent years has been Princess Diana’s crash. It’s astounding.

1:42am - With nothing to say about the progress of Paris in her pursuit of Taco Bell, TMZ now turns its glare to the other media. Specifically Fox News, who managed to infuse the unique brand of speculative, panic stricken, socially judgmental, fear based, moralizing usually reserved for stories about immigrants, back pain, gay marriage and terrorists into reportage about Paris Hilton. They’re wondering if she’s going to drink alcohol now. Will there be alcohol at the next party she goes to? For the rest of us – TMZ has provided a little poll so we too can sound off on the topic. Did Fox News journalist Hunt cross the line in suggesting that Paris’ parents should try harder to discipline her? 70% of people say no, he did not which means that a collective of Baptist soccer moms across the country purse their lips and nod in silent self righteous agreement and that’s all Fox wanted.

3:16am - Britney wears a sheer top. Quick....ah...everyone. Something. There’s still a reference to Paris in this post so it’s not like the mental train of thought is broken.

2:18am -An hour after Hilton is released she’s at home. Yet, strangely, this post goes up 2 hours and 15 minutes after she left prison. What the hell has TMZ been DOING? Oh, that’s right. We stopped to look at Britney’s repetitive neediness and then we stopped to bark at Fox News. All up, we’ve lost an hour and 15 minutes. I want those back. As recompense, TMZ needs to set up a camera outside her house or better yet, hire a helicopter with special sound recording equipment so that we can all hear what’s going on inside the Hilton house in real time. It’s the least we can expect. The LEAST. It’s also the bare minimum the world apparently needs.

2:33am -With no new news, the secondary editorial team has come in with a little satellite story on the Paris Hilton look a like, Natalie Reid. What will she do now that Paris is out? Well, let’s see, she made it for years before Paris went to jail, she was photographed as Paris Hilton on the red carpet of several events while Paris was in jail and people didn’t seem to notice. What will she do now? Is this question necessary? People don’t notice. Wait, necessity has no place in this entire post.

5:12am - Oh phew. Well, it’s more or less over at 8:15am on the East Coast. So, let’s take a little breather and go back over the entire thing again but this time in photos. There are the laughs, the tears, the Taco Bell anticipation, the alleged need for moisturizer…it’s all there. Anytime you want it.

7:04am - Nearly two hours later; a picture drawn by Paris Hilton of her watching the owner of on Larry King Live and a handwritten note thanking TMZ for their fair and balanced coverage. Again we see the signature naive scrawl of a millionaire blonde paired this time with its equivalent in images. A striking combination of words and pictures. Symbols so different and yet so unequivocally bonded.
9:35am - Is Paris prettier without makeup? Oh God, it's hard to decide. She's really pretty and skinny. Yeah, prison was great for her in that way. She lost weight which makes her enviably skinny and she's always pretty. Wow, pretty and skinny. Prinny. Prinny is Pretty and Skinny mixed together.

Monday, June 25, 2007

To really hammer home the stunning purity of their angelically ordained union, Kate Moss is modeling with Pete Doherty in a fashion shoot of Roberto Cavalli couture where the two of them are cast as Cleopatra and Marlon Brando.

While it’s clear that Kate Moss’ world dominating modeling career is headed toward the urinoire at the same rate and in direct proportion to the extent to which her connection to uber-eligible, super together, husband material boyfriend Pete Doherty intensifies, she’s clearly decided to drag it out as long as she can.

God, the amount of irony in this post is confusing even for me. The basic point is, Kate Moss clearly doesn’t care if her career declines due to her involvement with a crack head freak show and she’s now modeling with him. To be fair, Doherty looks good when the makeup department can cover up the relentless infection that appears to plague his cheeks. Recently, Moss has been accused of being too thin. Where do you start with that one? [source]

The entire time an interview with Paris Hilton has been a possibility for Barbara Walters she has been salivating all over Kathy Hilton and Paris, providing both with a softened, maternal mouthpiece whenever they needed it and now that she’s out of the running Walters is trying to play the “it’s all beneath me” card. Cindy Adams quotes Walters as saying:

"Look, I've done prison interviews before, but people like the Menendez Brothers were really important news stories," said the First Lady of the Soundbites. "This wasn't. And even though I'd already written my questions, when all that pay-for-play stuff happened, I suddenly felt this was not up to my standard. It . . . felt . . . sort of . . . Tawdry. The whole thing somehow was beneath me. Besides, it was a no-win. If I did a tough piece and her tears started to flow, it would be, 'Oh, there's Barbara Walters making people cry again.' Too soft, and I'd be criticized."

Even though it’s about her playing the “I’m a bigger person card” there seem to be undertones of resentment or bitterness there. She was working hard to get an exclusive for weeks by repeatedly playing the “this scenario is too complex for me to have an opinion” card when Joy Behar sounded off on the subject tearing into the Hiltons – simply because she wanted the Hiltons on side. All of a sudden it’s tawdry? Paris is the embodiment of cheap thrills and tawdriness. It’s been tawdry for ever – why is it suddenly too tawdry? [source]
Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Slutty Catholics in Manila have yet another reason to just take the healthy route and become atheists because the Catholic Church in Manila has implemented a dress code for mass. Apparently, the tight lipped mothers were getting upset at the amount of flesh people were showing in church so they had a quick word to the Father and put a stop to that. And it’s really everyone’s loss because the most sexually frustrated people in the world are only that way because of religion so Mass on a Sunday is probably a prime cruising location. [source]

In a moment of sheer triumph, the coveted title for World’s Ugliest Dog is a genetic travesty from New Jersey that goes by the name of Elwood. The dog is a Chihuahua cross Chinese Crested and frankly, is so fucking ugly it looks like a cartoon character that's in constant physical pain just sitting there OR is the dog embodiment of hate and sadness. And nightmares from childhood. Jesus, I can’t even look at it. Like, I used the picture but still haven’t actually allowed myself to look at it. I put my fingers over the screen. Literally, I covered it. Like when you see naked pictures of your boss or something. [source]

A nude American sunbather was arrested after he went for a morning swim in Rome’s Barcaccia fountain. Firstly, what is it with Italians arresting people for swimming in their extravagant citywide water features? A woman was arrested for more or less re-enacting that scene from La Dolce Vita a few weeks back. Italian renaissance architecture is so utterly attention hungry and insists that you look at the sparkling blue pools in the summer heat but you’re not allowed to actually swim in it. Secondly, what is it with Americans who wander into cities and just get naked in public. Look, I’m not complaining if a 22 year old guy wants to get naked in Rome and go swimming in some incredible fountain – but first there’s that guy who people complained about in Germany recently and now this. America really is sexually bipolar. They minute they get out of the regime at home they go nuts. It’s like drinking alcohol when you’re finally legal at 21. Can everyone just chill out for a second? [source]

Also, the judge who was suing for 54 million dollars because dry cleaners lost his pants lost the case. The judge ruled in favour of the Dry Cleaners. Apparently, pants aren’t worth 54 million dollars. Just in case anyone was biting their nails in suspense at what the outcome might possibly be. [source]

It’s been pretty annoying for Justin Timberlake of late; what with the paparazzi following him around all over the place. That’s why, when he started lashing out at them as the short film at the source for this post shows, no one should see anything wrong with that.

After all, he’s never asked for attention at all and he’s not an entirely arrogant douche bag with a mind blowing God complex.

No, it’s not that all.

The question here really is: Is Justin Timberlake going the way of Spears and Li Lo in the sense that all those years of reigning in the humanity to ensure maximum marketability coupled with having a thousand corporate execs calculating his every move starting to take its toll? This is how it started with Britney. She was lashing out with an umbrella at the paparazzi and it proved a slippery slope for her.

As he has no hair right now, the obvious is ruled out but what does that leave for him to do at the crux point during which his exterior starts to crack?

Are we to expect that he will soon get caught in a hotel room with a couple of dead hookers and a mirror on the floor with a scattering of cocaine thrown across it? Well, look – it’s just an idea but why not? He’d clearly be whimpering in the corner of the room, perhaps sitting in the fetal position, rocking back and forth while biting his own knee. One of the hookers is actually a 40 year old man in drag. Ok, that’s probably not that likely. The hooker would have to be under 30 but she’d have messed up teeth.


The Daily News in the UK reports that unlike the effortless elegance and natural beauty that characterizes Victoria Beckham, her feet are beat up, bunion infested travesties and that she’s in constant probably crippling pain and is even thinking of going in for surgery to have the deformities that are currently causing the disfigurement of what might even now be more accurately described as “hooves” or “stumps”, removed.

It must be disheartening for Posh to wake up in the morning knowing that while she’s strived and succeeded at subsisting on a diet of edamame, diet coke, pretzels and shopping which has kept her at a constant level of near deadly dehydration and malnutrition but nevertheless still alive and extravagantly slim, that she still has pesky little reminders of her own humanity. It really goes to show that even if you have a staggering facility for the avoidance of reality, the disease can still seep through the cracks.
Still, she really shouldn’t go in for the surge. She should just smile and keep it all inside. How dare she complain. It’s so unladylike. Shop the pain away. It’s the Jessica Simpson way. [source]

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Week # 25 in Review

Paris Hilton’s plight once again dominated the public consciousness with the startling news from her parents, having just emerged from the visitation room in the jail within which she is being held, that Paris is cold and could potentially have a broken arm. They observed that she keeps rubbing it – apparently a sign that it is broken. A letter, hand written by Paris to a fan from jail, was leaked to the internet and it showed performative evidence of her gratitude and also showed that she signs her name with hearts as a dot on the letter “I”. Later in the week Paris spoke to Ryan Seacrest over the phone, live on his radio show and went to great pains to express her gratitude for the support she receives. It was rumoured that NBC were offering to pay Paris one million dollars to sit down for an interview with her upon her release and consequently Barbara Walters was furious. While all this was going on in the media sphere, one of Paris’ neighbours spoke to the press about how bad a pet owner Paris is, explaining that she had witnessed the death of a kitten because of Paris’ negligence.

Tom Cruise’s Christ status got him commissioned to fly to France and perform a wedding ceremony for James Packer and speculation about whether or not Katie Holmes was pregnant again emerged. In response to the speculation, Cruise’s people issued a statement saying that this was not the case as Cruise was gearing up to work on his next film.

After a little hiatus, more than likely induced by the slap down she got from Joe Francis, Candy
Spelling wrote a letter of advice to Britney Spears via to which Lindsay Lohan’s supposed lesbian lover, DJ Samantha Ronson replied via her own myspace blog. Ronson’s letter tore into the entire idea of an open letter to anyone and also sort of insulted Texans; a move that was immediately rectified by an over done apology.

With all the major pop tarts in prison or rehab, Posh Spice decided to release a dance track with her singing the words. Very little information regarding her actual human side was evident at all but her pronunciation was noticeably clear.

Avril Lavigne took time out from her illustriously organic music career to make the statement that she’s interested in doing short films; she’s already done a couple of small parts.

The record for the oldest man in the world was broken when a man turned 111 years old, people in Tijuana set about breaking the world record for the largest Caesar salad; their plans to build a 3 tonne salad would break the world record by .5 tonnes, to raise money for charity, runner Dean Karnazes set about breaking the world record for hours spent running on a treadmill and a lake in Chile mysteriously disappeared.

In Asia, license plates in China are now about the same cost as a small car, local courts in China ruled that a group of capitalists, who had previously attempting to sell land on the moon, were not allowed to sell bags of air that had allegedly been collected from the World Cup stadiums and Chinese police are now officially not allowed to wear jewelry of any kind, color their hair or wear nail polish.
A traditional folk healer in Malaysia who dances around naked was reported to have made local conservative Muslim folk uncomfortable with her ritual dance, and the Indian state of Bihar had its hands full dealing with an influx of rats that were gnawing holes in cans of beer and getting drunk.

In Europe, the Vatican, ever inclined toward charming whimsy, released its latest list of rules pertaining to driving a car; the first of which is the extravagantly clear “Thou shall not consider a car an object of personal glorification or use it as a place of sin”, indulging his own voyeuristic fantasies, an Italian mayor announced his plan to lessen men’s use of prostitutes by having them photographed while in the act and then publishing the images.

In the United States, an inmate on Death Row announced that he is holding a competition to establish what his last words will be prior to scheduled execution, paintings composed by dogs were selling in Maryland for up to and including $350, a house in Pennsylvania was broken into by a thief who, after breaking a door down and leaving a knife stabbing dramatically out of the fridge, only stole a bowl of salad and a man in Massachusetts was arrested for allegedly stealing bones from coffins in order to make an ashtray with them, his girlfriend also complained that she was convinced he killed their dog.

In Australasia, two New Zealand parents petitioned to name their as yet unborn son “4real” but their request was met with some reluctance on behalf of the New Zealand governmental organization that registers new born babies.

“For most of us, when we try to figure out what our names mean, we have to look it up in a baby book and…there’s no direct link between the meaning and the name,” Pat Wheaton, the father said. “With this name, everyone knows what it means.”
They sure do.