Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The New York Times has more or less steered clear of any ongoing coverage of Paris Hilton’s incarceration. They covered her going in and they covered her, this morning, coming out again. While more than a thousand news items have been published about this, TMZ.com, possibly the polar opposite when it comes to an editorial philosophy on Paris Hilton, managed, as they did with the “Little Baby Dannielyn” paternity test announcement, to cover every single second that passed. Stopping only to more or less point out that they were spending a lot of time covering the Paris Hilton prison exit, they had us covered.

Here is the rundown of TMZ’s posts from the early hours of the morning (Pacific Time):

10:29pm - It’s speculated that when Paris exits jail she’ll want Taco Bell. The Hilton parents were cited as a source for this earth shattering insight and also, no doubt, picked up a nice check for the mention. Apart from the Taco Bell mention there’s literally nothing more to this post. Still, it keeps us all in the loop and that’s nice and gracious of TMZ.com

11:18 pm -Alright, so the entire thing has begun. The Hiltons have left their house and are on their way to the jail. Now, in case you don’t believe that they’ve actually left the house TMZ has provided video footage of the Hiltons in a moving car. So, we now know for sure that they’re driving a car and are heading to the jail. Ok, so that side is in motion. There's an update at the end stating that they've reached their destination. No time for a new post, just cram it into the old one.

11:59 pm - Oops, look at that. The Hiltons have officially arrived at the jail (where they were headed when they left the house moments ago – check previous post). Well, what do you know?! Even though the previous post had an update tacked onto it, it seems they WERE officially headed to the jail where Paris was incarcerated. Kathy and Rick are there to pick up their daughter. Wait, let’s not speculate about what they're there to do. Let’s wait and see what TMZ POSTS about it. Yes, good idea. For posterity’s sake.

12:15am - 15 minutes after her release this post went up saying that she’d been released. 15 minutes! Look, we need to know this stuff asap. We can’t be waiting around for 15 minutes about ANYTHING. She might already be at Taco Bell by now. She might! She might not be. How are we supposed to know what’s going on? Jesus, anything could be happening.

12:43am - Oh my GOD, it’s almost thirty minutes later and only now are we getting access to footage of Paris hugging her mother. Only NOW. I’m going to have to run for a half hour on the treadmill today (and it’s a non-gym day too) because during that that almost half hour of no information I inhaled a can of frosting to keep the panic at bay. Can we keep it a little more regular?

12:53am - As the Hiltons sit at a traffic light their SUV is swarmed by photographers. What we still don’t really know is how Taco Bell is, at this point, factoring in to their travel plans. Regardless, and now with sincere a lack of sarcasm here – look at what is actually happening. The closest thing to this in recent years has been Princess Diana’s crash. It’s astounding.

1:42am - With nothing to say about the progress of Paris in her pursuit of Taco Bell, TMZ now turns its glare to the other media. Specifically Fox News, who managed to infuse the unique brand of speculative, panic stricken, socially judgmental, fear based, moralizing usually reserved for stories about immigrants, back pain, gay marriage and terrorists into reportage about Paris Hilton. They’re wondering if she’s going to drink alcohol now. Will there be alcohol at the next party she goes to? For the rest of us – TMZ has provided a little poll so we too can sound off on the topic. Did Fox News journalist Hunt cross the line in suggesting that Paris’ parents should try harder to discipline her? 70% of people say no, he did not which means that a collective of Baptist soccer moms across the country purse their lips and nod in silent self righteous agreement and that’s all Fox wanted.

3:16am - Britney wears a sheer top. Quick....ah...everyone. Something. There’s still a reference to Paris in this post so it’s not like the mental train of thought is broken.

2:18am -An hour after Hilton is released she’s at home. Yet, strangely, this post goes up 2 hours and 15 minutes after she left prison. What the hell has TMZ been DOING? Oh, that’s right. We stopped to look at Britney’s repetitive neediness and then we stopped to bark at Fox News. All up, we’ve lost an hour and 15 minutes. I want those back. As recompense, TMZ needs to set up a camera outside her house or better yet, hire a helicopter with special sound recording equipment so that we can all hear what’s going on inside the Hilton house in real time. It’s the least we can expect. The LEAST. It’s also the bare minimum the world apparently needs.

2:33am -With no new news, the secondary editorial team has come in with a little satellite story on the Paris Hilton look a like, Natalie Reid. What will she do now that Paris is out? Well, let’s see, she made it for years before Paris went to jail, she was photographed as Paris Hilton on the red carpet of several events while Paris was in jail and people didn’t seem to notice. What will she do now? Is this question necessary? People don’t notice. Wait, necessity has no place in this entire post.

5:12am - Oh phew. Well, it’s more or less over at 8:15am on the East Coast. So, let’s take a little breather and go back over the entire thing again but this time in photos. There are the laughs, the tears, the Taco Bell anticipation, the alleged need for moisturizer…it’s all there. Anytime you want it.

7:04am - Nearly two hours later; a picture drawn by Paris Hilton of her watching the owner of TMZ.com on Larry King Live and a handwritten note thanking TMZ for their fair and balanced coverage. Again we see the signature naive scrawl of a millionaire blonde paired this time with its equivalent in images. A striking combination of words and pictures. Symbols so different and yet so unequivocally bonded.
9:35am - Is Paris prettier without makeup? Oh God, it's hard to decide. She's really pretty and skinny. Yeah, prison was great for her in that way. She lost weight which makes her enviably skinny and she's always pretty. Wow, pretty and skinny. Prinny. Prinny is Pretty and Skinny mixed together.

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