The Reluctant Whore

The simplest way to really tell whether or not the judge in Paris Hilton’s trial was showboating and trying to get a promotion somehow by forcibly punishing the American object of desire was to simply analyze a selection of cases similar to hers and compare them. Finally, a over a week after she went to jail and longer than that since people started putting their index finger on the collective chin while looking up to the left , the L A times have done such a comparison.

From their investigation, it’s pretty clear that yes, Paris Hilton did get a worse sentence than anyone else. In fact, they ascertained that she will serve more time than 80% of people with a similar offense.

Does anyone in LA NOT get a career through acting like a fucking idiot in public? Stuck behind a desk processing parking fine violations? Why not simply throw up in public all over a celebrity and get a promotion? It’s the Los Angeles way.

What promotion did the judge hope for?

“Well, gee now…let’s see. I’ve got to level with you Los Angeles County Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer, none of us in upper management ever thought you were that good. I mean, you’re a good person, we’d have a beer with you but promotion? Well, it just didn’t seem on the cards. That’s why we kept you at data clerk level but now that we see you’re capable of greatness, things have changed. When you moralized and more or less acted in the same way that Paris Hilton acts towards the general standards of social decency; ie. with flagrant disregard WELL, it was then that we knew you were destined for greatness.”

All this judge has done is create a more sold basis for Paris Hilton to become an even bigger star. Gay men who doubt her cultural significance to them in particular, of whom there are probably precious few below the age of 23, will specifically be mobilized now that she’s suffered unreasonably. All she needs to do is get out, record a comeback single with Britney and it’ll be on for young and old. [source]