The Reluctant Whore

Week # 24 in Review

After much tooing and froing about whether or not Paris Hilton actually was being treated better or worse than anyone else would be in her position, the LA Times did some research and found out that yes, in fact she was being treated worse in terms of sentence but it seems suspect that her time inside is equally harder on a daily basis. Joe Francis wrote Paris via TMZ.com, just to let them know exactly what his thoughts were on her situation and to put the record straight about what was happening with him and amid all this speculation and attention getting from people who are jumping on top of the bandwagon, Paris was busy finding God and telephoning Barbara Walters to tell her about it.

Rumours about whether Shar Jackson was pregnant with Kevin Federline’s kid flew around the internet for a few days until it was all revealed that she isn’t through her own admittance making the entire thing simply a publicity stunt and just when we thought Britney Spears was possibly on the slow road to recovering from the alcoholism, drug abuse, public vomiting and the harsh realization of who she had become after years of fake smiles and corporate endorsement, got out of a car and flashed her gash again, moved around in a car so photographers could get a shot of her ass and then posted an eerily unfunny competition on her website asking for help naming her new album. One suggestion from her was, “Maybe the joke is on you.” Indeed.

The Olsen Twins turned 21 and instead of a blow out, corporate sponsored, alcohol infused drug fest celebu-romp en masse, they simply had ten friend hang out at the Chateau Marmont in LA, the judge in the Anna Nicole custody hearings who was caught smoking pot in the park announced he would retire from his job as a judge after 28 years , Nicole Ritchie was rumoured to be knocked up with Joel Madden’s kid prompting speculation about whether her body was equipped to nourish a baby seeing as it appears clearly incapable of doing that for itself.

Eminem and Mariah Carey were arguing in public because, in his new album, Eminem has been targeting her and apparently it upsets her fragile ego and with the rift between the two schools of thought about whether or not Clay Aiken is gay growing ever more vicious and acidic, his official website shut down its message board.

It was announced that 1001 Chinese people were to be brought to Berlin to wander around the streets in costume as part of a performance piece called “Fairytale” by Chinese artist Ai Wei Wei, a 50 ton whale was caught and as its fat was being harvested with a chainsaw a 19th century harpoon was discovered buried in the neck fat, a 73 year old farmer from India failed his high school exams for the 38th time and a study by Stanford University found that gastric bypass surgery lessens the ability of the human body to process alcohol.

In North America, the Washington Post announced that if the current level of political scrutiny continues in the American media, in about 6 months America will be suffering from what is colloquially termed “campaign fatigue”, the judge suing a dry cleaner in Long Island for 54 million dollars (reduced from the original 64 million) spoke in court and broke down crying, and a man in Vancouver was found to have green blood after a sample was taken by a nurse in hospital.

In Germany, a psychologically unhinged squirrel went on a rampage, biting and running all over a few elderly people until an infirm man beat it to death with his crutch, a 70 year old man was arrested in for walking around his neighbourhood near the Czech border and spray painting the German word for “whorehouse” on people’s homes and producers of bratwurst sausage announced a series of new flavoured sausage including cherry, aloe vera and lemon.

In Spain, the winner of the Miss Spain pageant who was dethroned for being a mother celebrated victory as the ruling was reversed and it was officially decree that trannies and mothers could now enter the competition and the EU finally made a statement about what veal must be to be officially considered veal.

Over in Asia, Pepsi released Ice Cucumber flavoured Pepsi, a retirement home for dogs opened up, and Konami announced it would be releasing a game for Nintendo that gauges specific details about the body’s make up and makes skin care suggestions to players in Japan. Officials in China were fired when it was discovered that they had hired a blind contractor to build a bridge and then bridge subsequently collapsed.

And finally, in Malasyia, a judge ruled that a 73 year old tycoon who built his mistress a house, could not lawfully take it back now that their affair had ended because mistresses have rights too.

“You squeezed her like a lemon and later cast her aside like an old shoe,” the judge said. “Surely, you cannot use her like that and later claim she has no right.”