Monday, December 31, 2007
Josh Duhamel’s career will probably get the boost he needs to start making better movies that means he may potentially take a step up from attending only corporately rigged travesty awards shows like the Blockbuster Movie Awards where Transformers won the award for “Best Summer Movie You Haven’t Seen Yet” or and you hadn’t seen it because it hadn’t been released yet meaning that the entire thing was just totally inane, meaningless PR fluff.
Fergie on the other hand isn’t SO crap because she has a vulnerable side. Like the time she actually shat her pants on stage. Then later on she owned up to it. I felt a certain respect for her for that. She’s a little tiresome with all her insistence on being portrayed as someone who is a success because of her furs and jewels but at least we know she was once addicted to meth and shat her pants on stage. She didn’t piss her pants, she actually shat her pants. She probably shat her pants because of dreadful dreadful anxiety that led to the loss of control over her bowels. Again, she’s a pop star who has bowels. How many pop stars admit to that? Not enough as far as I’m concerned.
So, Fergie and Josh Duhamel are getting married and it’s going to help them both. Wait, how does it help her? Oh, she’s thrilled that’s right. But as if you wouldn’t be with that hot piece of ass. [source]
Gatecrasher in the New York Daily News reports that Mary Louise Parker was apparently overheard talking about how someone in the cast of “Weeds” lacks talent and has a sense of entitlement. Clearly, the implication here is that it’s Mary Kate Olsen but I would like to interject and stop that unfair rumour dead in its tracks.
Sure MKO looks like she’s headed towards being the contemporary equivalent of the daughter or mother from Grey Gardens (of both rolled into one enchanting package), sure she and her sister inspired an entire hate filled campaign from PETA, sure she wrote an astonishingly vague and pointless editorial for the New York Times about how she once borrowed a Chanel handbag from her sister but then never returned it. These things are all true and they are all punishable by a future of enforced irrelevance; something both girls essentially deserve.
Friday, December 28, 2007
In the week that contained both Christmas and the final Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday of 2007, Popstar Britney Spears apparently refused to allow her two boys to open presents given to them by their grandparents and she was escorted out of the Beverly Hills Four Seasons Hotel’s Presidential Suite for being too disruptive while liaising with a member of the paparazzi. Speculation continued that 18 year old Casey Aldridge may not actually be the father of 16 year old Nickelodeon actress Jamie Lynn Spears’s child as rumours circulated that the father is actually a much older man who works as an executive at Nickelodeon.
Spice Girl Victoria Beckham had tens of thousands of dollars worth of shoes and jewelry stolen from her dressing room along with Spice Girls costumes while performing in Germany, actor Will Smith was attacked by the Jewish community for stating that Hitler probably didn’t think he was doing anything wrong after which he clarified his point and they accepted it, actor Josh Duhamel and former Black Eyed Peas lead singer Fergie announced their engagement and actresses Mischa Barton and Rebecca deMornay were arrested for DUI.
In the UK, Queen Elizabeth II’s Christmas message for 2007 was uploaded for the first time, to the Royal Family’s youtube page while in Germany sales of beer were at an all time low at just 112.5 liters per person for 2007, and thanks to the assistance of a list of public figures and politicians the winner of the Miss France beauty pageant was allowed to keep her crown after she won it and nude pictures of her lying in a crucifix position were published by a magazine; breaking the rules.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Aspiring actress Tara Reid appeared to have visibly lost weight and fell over in Bali and it was rumoured that she was in hospital but those allegations were denied, while talking with comedienne Joan Rivers, talk show host Martha Stewart lamented on her show that real estate mogul Donald Trump’s brand of steaks were not actually made out of the filleted flesh of Donald Trump himself while, actress Joan Collins’s daughter was reported to be dating a man over a decade her junior – a trait that was pointed out to be very similar to that of her mother and ticket sales for the Spice Girls tour were reportedly not as high as had been anticipated.
High School Musical star Ashley Tisdale was required to drop out of a few scheduled appearances because she was having rhinoplasty to correct a deviated septum, despite speculation that her waist and thighs are as wide as they are because she is pregnant, it was revealed that Love Hewitt’s waist size was simply natural and a size 2 and not because she was with child, film director John Singleton was busy finding a cast for his feature length remake of 80s TV series “The A Team”, and model Pamela Anderson announced that she was divorcing her husband of three months, Rick Salomon but then days later announced that they were attempting to work it out.
A 33 year old woman on crutches was arrested on charges of disturbing the peace in Danbury Fair Mall, Connecticut when she groped a man playing Santa Claus, Ingrid Rivera and the winner of the Miss Puerto Rico beauty pageant contest who claimed that her dress and makeup had been sprayed with pepper spray prior to her winning the contest was revealed to have been telling the truth after a police investigation was conducted regarding her claims.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Japan’s Science and Education minister Kisaburo Tokai has continued the discussion about UFOs by saying that he hopes they exist because "It would be fun if they existed." Which, for all intents and purposes, is true. The UFO question is tricky when you’re a politician. Dennis Kucinich was recently asked about them and even though he answered the question reasonably well he still came off looking like a conspiracy theorist crackpot – probably just for even going there. Yes, the concept of UFOs are more or less political box office poison. [source]
A ten year old kid who was raised by wolves and has the toenails to prove it escaped from a Moscow clinic one day after being rescued from the wild. Apparently, people are worried about his tendency to bite people because he is probably riddled with disease and he has very sharp teeth. It’s interesting how people sometimes get raised by wolves. Some woman was raised by wolves in India a while back. Why do wolves consistently find themselves raising children? Where am I? [source]
On her show with guest Joan Rivers Martha Stewart lamented that Donald Trump’s steaks were not actually steaks made from Donald Trump himself. The Post reports that Donald Trump wasn’t available for comment and THAT is the real part of the news. It’s now been 24 hours and still he’s said nothing. Something is up. Is he dead? I mean entirely not just his soul. [source]
The Post reports that Joan Collins is old but she puts a lot of work into making herself look and feel young despite the fact that she looks like all the sewing in her face would come undone if the wind blew slightly in her direction. That’s old news. Turns out her daughter is more or less the same way – she’s dating someone 15 years younger than her. Apart from a desperate need to look younger, what do the Collins women actually contribute? [source]
The Spice Girls global tour is tanking according to the Post who reports that ticket sales are consistently slow. Perhaps that’s because the only thing that hasn’t been seriously seriously attended to in this tour is the fact that they need top notch material and an act. Maybe Posh’s tendency toward being an energy vacuum is the reason no one is seeing the show. She just sucks out all the talent and potential and then they’re left with nothing. [source]
Alli Sims gave an interview to a German magazine which centered entirely on the fact that she wants to be known for her talents and not for being Britney Spears’ cousin. This is of course timely because right now it’s totally press worthy to be related to Britney even if it means people are only looking at you for reassurance that they’re not completely fucked. Kudos for Alli Sims for jumping on the bandwagon that only she can jump on because she’s Britney’s cousin. [source]
Britney is mad and resentful that her sister got pregnant at 16. There’s speculation that they have an estranged relationship because Britney is totally self obsessed which is fairly reasonable. In fact, it’s so reasonable that it explains the basis for Britney’s outrage; that she wasn’t told FIRST. [source]
Speculation around who the potential father of the new Spears spawn is now ensuing as it’s reported that Jamie Lynn has been dating L’il Romeo, a young rapper. That means that the potential father could be either the southern white boy Casey Aldridge OR it could be the black L ‘il Rapper. So, now, if we can just keep the speculation down to those two it’ll be a fascinating birth to behold seeing as we will be able to tell as soon as the kid’s skin color is evident. Oh, maybe they should throw a Japanese teenager into the potential father list too. Just to make it more interesting. [source]
While Tara Reid did fall over causing actual reportage to be printed about her that didn’t relate to her being drunk, she is not in hospital after allegedly collapsing from exhaustion or some crap. I don’t know why I’m still tying. Honestly. Shouldn’t she get started writing a one woman show about her rise to the lower middle and then her decline through the earth’s crust? I mean the metaphorical earth’s crust because her career is appalling and she’s dreadful. [source]
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Pantone, a company which is apparently an authority in color, has announced that the color for 2008 will be blue iris, or No. 18-3943. The color for 2007 was chili pepper red, as of course we all knew. And look, it was a contentious race too. “I think green is being abused to death,” said Regis Pean, creative director of Studio Red. “I’m thrilled,” Terron Schaefer, senior vice president of marketing at Saks Fifth Avenue, said of the blue news. I personally have burnt my apartment to the ground and have already beguin work reconstructing it out of old Yves Klein scultures I had lying around in storage. I seem to have begun not a minute too soon. [source]
About 5 hours ago (as of 3:21pm) Queen Elizabeth II became the oldest reigning monarch in British History. I don’t really find that surprising though seeing as she probably has access to the finest healthcare and services instantly. For example, if her hip hurts one day she can ring a small bell and when she wakes up the next morning a new hip will have been installed as she slept. Despite that, I have clear and obvious concern for her teeth. The Queen Mother looked like she wore false teeth made of wood. I expect better from Queen Elizabeth II. I will be poised with a pen and paper at all times from now on ready to complain if necessary. [source]
So, it turns out that Ingrid Rivera, the Miss Puerto Rico beauty pageant winner who claimed to have had her gown sabotaged with pepper spray prior to walking on stage and winning the competition while smiling actually did have pepper spray put all through her clothes. She wasn’t lying. I still think she probably did it. Those beauty pageant queens know they need to do more than win if they want to get somewhere after all that pain and suffering they go through to actually just win. They have to up the ante so they leak photos of themselves and the poison their clothes. She’ll probably get a cosmetics line contract just because she kept smiling. That’s what Western Culture is based on. [source]
Thieves broke into Sao Paulo's leading art museum early on Thursday and stole two oil paintings, the museum said, including Picasso's 1904 "Portrait of Suzanne Bloch" that could be worth about $50 million (25.2 million pounds) and Brazilian painter Candido Portinari's 1939 "The Coffee Worker". I’ve always wondered what these people think they’re getting away with. I mean, sure it’s worth 50 million but how could you sell it? You could say you just found it and you thought maybe it was a print I guess. Oh, wait – freakish dictators buy art like this. Yeah, that’s right. But you know, to be able to steal something from a museum these days takes guts, determination and real know how so I think kudos must go to the thieves for actually getting away with it. [source]
Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrence Owens has been quoted as saying that "Right now, Jessica is not a fan favorite -- in this locker room or in Texas Stadium," and of course, he’s referring to Jessica Simpson.
Right now is a really interesting time because the mere existence of the Simpson sisters – in a way similar to how the mere existence of the Olsen Twins has sparked a huge sense of vicious outrage from PETA – has inspired so much resentment that they’re both being blamed for the most inane, irrational things possible and no one is stepping in to say “Ok, yeah…listen, it’s not actually possible for the Simpson sisters to be responsible for massed failure outside their own sphere of influence.”
See, I don’t even agree with the Dallas Cowboys and I’m still arguing their case. There’s nothing that can be done. The Simpson sisters are living metaphors for illness and failure. [source]
While the concept of considering Pete Doherty a threat is probably laughable to basically anyone else, besides maybe his kittens or small children who get in the way of him and his heroin, Kate Moss is delusional.
Kate Moss better get her lawyer onto it so she can get some of that money ITV2 is offering.
Incidentally, I’m so glad someone is making a documentary about their relationship. I’m dying to be able to identify. [source]
Larry Flynt, the publisher of Hustler Magazine, has been quoted as saying to VanityFair.com:
The thing is, I would have thought that for an old chicken fucker like Flynt, the only thing that should provide any reassurance that Giuliani is in any way human and not just a hard nosed, 9/11 exploiting megalomaniac IS his penchant for dressing in women’s clothing in public and having the good humour to do Saturday Night Live. The rest of Giuliani’s legacy is riddled with professional corruption, narcissism and incest. Not to mention the fact that his son hates him which can only mean he’s even less likely to be a viable Republican candidate.
Still, I guess his angle is to expose hypocritical politicians in light of their sexual oddities and he’s dealing with a national market of people who probably think that all gay men cross dress and cry uncontrollably. Maybe this is just the same kind of thing as John Edwards repeatedly saying “We will hunt down the terrorists and kill them” because “kill” rated as the right word among test audiences. Larry Flynt's area of expertise is sex. There's something annoying about this though. [source]
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
According to a study conducted by the Unum Insurance Agency, 1 in 5 British people take days off because they have a hangover as opposed to say, a legitimate illness or are having an affair. The thing is, they only surveyed 500 people to get this result so the results might be mildly ambitious and you also have to ask how it was that an insurance agency went about asking questions in the first place. Furthermore, it’s easy to laugh and say obvious things like “Well, that’s just because English people are so uptight and depressed, the only way they can relax or deal with reality is to drink.” Yeah, it’s pretty easy to say stuff like that. [source]
Reuters has revealed a list of some of the most memorable quotes of 2007 and the list includes “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” – which was first spoken by University of Florida student Andrew Meyer on September 17 when he was loudly protesting at a speech given by Senator John Kerry. It somehow managed to be so annoying that it hit a cultural nerve and now there are ring tones and all sorts of crap out there that are based on it. After that came Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s October comment at Columbia University, “In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country.” That was pure political business and he really actually benefited from the booing that made up the reaction. Brad Pitt saying that he and Angelina Jolie would probably “crap out” about 7 kids in the coming years gets near the top of my list. [source]
The greatest part about the whole thing though, is the statement from the publicist:
When in reality, you know that from ages 7-15, Britney and her mother only spoke through press secretaries and Britney was already heavily medicated for diet related ADHD and a nervous disorder that stemmed entirely from having an emotionally absent yet aggressive show mother whose impossible standards could never be met. I kid. What do I know? [source]
The father of Christ is essentially the role he was born to play and in a business sense, he has been living the role since Lindsay Lohan was born so kudos must go to the people who cast that scene. Well, he’s been living the role since he and Dina Lohan discovered she was good at earning them money.
Half of that paragraph felt like it was something he would actually say in an interview.
“Well, I gave birth to a miracle child who has keep me in furs despite my jail time and totally unemployable personality so playing the father of Christ was a natural step for me…”
When you couple Michael Lohan as Joseph with the American Museum of Natural History’s recent event to celebrate the birthday of a small German polar bear – it’s virtually impossible to argue that Manhattan is completely dull. [source]
I would have thought that the last thing you would do at 16 while you’re on a kid’s TV show and you’re a minor celebrity by proxy is go to the press with your “I’m pregnant” story. It pretty much alienates Jamie Lynn from fans of the show “Zoey 101” and it totally lumps her in with the pop wreck sister where she was previously the good, innocent and more marketable – or at least less slothful and unhinged - of the two sisters. Even Alli Sims knew not to invoke the name of Britney when she launched her website and stab at a music career despite the fact that she was almost entirely just riding the fame she’d achieved by standing next to Britney and picking up her garbage as an assistant.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
God, it’s all about young women of pop culture today; apparently the universe is now blaming Jessica Simpson for making the Dallas Cowboys lose over the weekend which, by itself is completely inane and stands as a testament to how god damned stupid professional sport is. Mind you, if these people didn’t have sport to cling to maybe they’d be out singing in public and selling their home made knitwear so let them blame Jessica Simpson for a sports team in which she doesn’t play losing. Fine.
But, isn’t it interesting that in the space of two weeks Ashley Simpson was blamed by Fall Out Boy for their failing to get any Grammy nominations and now Jessica is being blamed for making the Dallas Cowboys lose. This is sort of on par with the times that Paris Hilton’s sidekick was stolen and all her details were spread all over the country by the hackers. It’s just kicking them down so they can be kicked more.
The weird thing is, I know it’s totally irrational to blame the Simpsons sisters for things they have no real part in but there’s a part of me that sort of does believe that their careers to date have actually been leading up to this moment. I mean, is it completely unfeasible that Jessica Simpson is NOT actually a demon? A terrible cursed demon that brings travesty upon all? Eventually? I think is it completely feasible that that is the truth of the matter. [source]
Special note from Ashley
The other thing is, she sort of seems to be everywhere at the moment. There are these posters of her all over the subway at the moment, like at the Graham stop on the L – who the fuck in Williamsburg is buying into the Ashley Tisdale franchise? The only people who live in Williamsburg really are jaded bloggers wannabe producer trust fund kids who could easily be doing the same thing they do all day long in New York in the OC. Wow, totally not relevant.
When those photos of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s ass were released and everyone was all shocked and amazed it was speculated that maybe her thighs and hips weren’t just the result of slothfulness; maybe she was pregnant. Yeah, that sounds reasonable. Turns out though that Jennifer Love Hewitt isn’t pregnant, she’s just actually that fat.
The one thing that Jennifer Love Hewitt can do is thank her lucky stars she isn’t Tara Reid, although they’re both sort of at the same level of press scrutiny at the moment; they get attention because they’re considered physically freakish. Yeah, Love Hewitt can thank her massive ass she isn’t riddled with a million venereal diseases and doesn’t have a handful of leftover parts from a German panza tank shoved just the skin on her stomach like Reid. What a mess that wench is. A dirty dirty wench. Good for her. Tara Reid’s rat like ways will serve her well when she has to consciously start whoring herself out for bit parts in b movies. In short, Jennifer Love Hewitt should be happy she isn’t Tara Reid even though she seems to be getting the same sort of press and has thighs that could hide a pachyderm. [source]
Monday, December 17, 2007
American and Indonesian scientists who have been exploring in the Foja Mountains of Papua New Guinea have discovered a new breed of giant rat – 5 times the size of a typical city rat. Can I just ask which city are we talking about here? The rats in New York City are the size of chimps and they’re golden in color. They race at you and try to get you to write about things like chefs who are also DJs and TV actors who no one has ever heard about while smiling relentlessly and plugging onward despite the relentless chasm in their souls. Oh, I’m kidding, that’s a publicist and I actually do really like many many publicists. Many many …of them are …nice. Meanwhile, right now, thanks to this story, all I feel is crippling panic at the thought of aggressive, squealing, hungry, brown toothed giant rats with thick bristly tails running around my feet and up my legs. The weird part about this story is that there’s a picture of some guy holding the freaking thing. HOLDING IT. He’s picked it up and it’s lying in his lap. If I were to do that I would either psychologically vanish to another place and lose all contact with the present or I would be frozen in that moment like that woman who saw her entire family shot by the Nazis at the age of 6 and remained a child her entire life. Yeah, maybe I need to get a grip. The rat that that image has the eyes of a mole and it looks really placid. It knows nothing of the screaming, violent need of its New York relatives and maybe would be nice. Plus, good news re. discovering a new species. Maybe someday someone will finally find that damned lost city of gold and that golden condor that flies like a plane that was built by the Aztecs. Someday. [source]
18 months later, Isabelle Dinoire, the 38 year old French woman whose face was mauled by her loving dog and who then underwear a full face transplant has healed to the extent that she can smile again. Wasn’t this the same woman who got in trouble for smoking after her new face was sewn on and had just started to heal? I seem to remember that. She was this pioneer who had her face replaced and then she freaking lit up a cigarette and started to flood her head with carbon monoxide. Good old French smokers. I wonder if she insisted on not admitting her husband was having an affair and she kept it all inside so she could stay thin. Anyway, apparently everything looks great, apparently, and she’s out on the town again. No news about whether she’s still smoking. [source]
A 100 year old Japanese man named Masaru Hori has been arrested after he drove his car into an umbrella held by a child. "Driving helps me from going senile because it keeps me alert," police in Sendai, northern Japan, quoted Hori, as saying. It’s interesting that this would make the news at the moment, seeing as statistics last week show that crimes committed by the elderly in Japan have increased triple fold over the past ten years. What Japan needs to do is to mobilize the frantic, unfocused energy of their elderly citizens and market a new form of weapon or libido enhancer. I seriously don’t know how that could feasibly happen but then it’s not my responsibility to explain to the Japanese what to do with their badly behaved elderly citizens, I merely point out what is going on and make unusable comments about the situation. [source]