Tuesday, December 04, 2007

David Beckham has apparently gone and spent a half a million dollars on diamond bracelets for the Spice Girls as a good luck charm for their pending world tour. What a trooper.

What a trooper and yet…indeed this action is entirely and scientifically predictable.

While reports emerge on a seemingly daily basis that illustrate ways in which Victoria Beckham is a talentless, heavily marinated slab of fermenting tuna, the theory of relativity suggests that there has to be an equal amount of reports that illustrate how enchanting and pure David Beckham is. As a pop cultural dichotomy they can’t really exist without each other. She must and successfully does embody horrific ego and the notion of a walking talent deficit even worse the Kim Kardashian and he must and successfully does embody humility and natural, seemingly effortless sporting excellence.
Of course he bought them those diamonds. Of COURSE he bought them those diamonds.
Why only the other day in Australia he flew in and accidentally ignored some cancer surviving children who were waiting for him at the airport. The children were crying, they were cancer survivors, Australians get really furious at things like anxiety and ego so it was just a horrific scenario all round. Beckham, however, was quoted at a press conference saying:

"I would never have done that. Never have done, never will do. I'm more than willing to meet them wherever they want and at whatever time that they want," said a surprised Beckham when journalists asked him why he had snubbed the children.

Even the vicious linguistic genius harpies at TMZ couldn’t spin that badly. He nipped it in the bud. What was Victoria Beckham doing at this point? Why she was eating children and laughing at international sadness while demanding more fur and jewels, not eating and sucking in her cheeks, standing legs akimbo in front of nine hundred automatic flashing cameras of course.

I actually wonder if the tour bus shakes with magnetic overload when Victoria and David Beckham are in it at the same time and I also wonder if their children have super powers because of how much power must have exploded when they were conceived. Perhaps Brooklyn and Romeo will be some kind of demi-Gods when they grow up. Well, that's if they aren't drug addled, entitled brats who drink and drive and get fat. I just know one of them will end up an oversensitive gay book nerd who thinks his mother is frivolous.

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