Sunday, December 16, 2007

Week # 50 in Review

Mere months after a video tape was leaked in a failed attempt to discredit entertainer David Hasselhoff showing drunk on his bathroom floor trying to eat a hamburger him, news was released that he had relapsed into alcoholism and had urinated on himself before being checked into Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles.

Pop star Britney Spears failed to show up to court for her deposition citing illness as her excuse and was then seen aimlessly driving around Los Angeles filling up her car with gas and accidentally leaving her assistant behind at one point. Despite such erratic and self negating behavior, a French producer named Phillippe Rebboah announced that he was interested in Spears playing the part of the Virgin Mary in a contemporary satirical remake of the story of the birth of Christ called “Sweet Baby Jesus”.

Rocker Marilyn Manson announced that his mother still has his foreskin in a little jar and that at some point in the future he might sell it at auction, the members of the band Fall Out Boy were upset at pop star Ashlee Simpson and accused her of having a poisonous touch after it was announced that the band was not nominated for any Grammy Awards this year and the new campaign for Rich Prosecco in a can featuring socialite Paris Hilton was released and it showed Hilton painted in gold lying around in a desert.
It was reported that pop star Madonna was doing yoga in a class on New York City’s Upper West Side and got into an altercation with the teacher which eventuated in her insisting that everyone leave the room so she could continue the class by herself, Democratic pundit and star of HBO’s “Big Love” Lawrence O’Donnell went on The McLaughlin Group and described Mormonism as being a “demented, Scientology-like . . . racist faith . . . based on the work of a lying, fraudulent criminal . . . [who was] anti-American, pro-slavery, and a rapist.", and it was speculated that actors Ryan Gosling and Hayden Panettiere were romantically involved.

Rumours circulated that Anna Wintour’s most recent headshot has been extravagantly retouched to cover signs of age, the first images of soccer star David Beckham’s new underwear campaign for Armani Exchange were released, actor Jack Nicholson said that he’s probably slept with 9000 women, rock star Pete Doherty was hit in the face by a drug dealer in a bar in London and the TV wedding between The Hills characters Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt was called off but the couple are apparently still together.
Ellen Degeneres announced that she has teamed up with former Meow Mix owner Richard Thompson to help fix up animal shelters all over the country, the Olsen Twins’ love of fur inspired PETA to construct an entire website that focused on trashing them and rumours circulated that there might actually be two Sex and the City movie sequels.

In numbers and records news, the word “wOOt!” was announced as Merriam Webster’s word of the year and 63% of Australian polled said that they thought morbidly obese people should be forced to buy two seats if they want to travel on commercial aircrafts.
In Europe, a 64 year old man decided to guzzle an entire litre of vodka rather than give it up to customs at the Nuremberg airport thus inflicting himself with alcohol poisoning, David Leggat spent 100 hours in the public toilet of a lawn bowling club near the Scottish city of Aberdeen with no cell phone or food because the handle on the outside of the door fell off, and the Italian City of Venice ruled that there would be penalties imposed on families whose funerals ran later than anticipated.

The Muslim nation of Tajikistan began a conscious crackdown on witchcraft and the occult, extravagant weddings and extravagant funerals and Brunei’s crown prince Al-Muhtadee Billah installed a full sized pool table in his hotel suite while competing in the Southeast Asian Games and was knocked out of the competition in the pre quarter finals.
Scientists in South Korea announced that they have discovered a way to make cats glow in the dark, crime committed in Japan by people over the age of 65 has increased three fold over the past ten years, 65 year old Pappan, a resident of the Indian state capital of Thiruvananthapuram bit a rabid dog in retaliation to being attacked, hotels in Beijing were listing their room prices as being ten times what is generally considered reasonable in the build up to the Olympics and a number of Chinese marathon runners were fined 10,000 yuan by the Chinese athletic Association for wearing numbers that weren’t pinned on their clothing adequately therefore obscuring the logo of a sponsor.

“It not only obscured his number and the sponsor’s trademark, it also exposed another sponsor,” reported the China Youth Daily Newspaper.

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