Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A 17 year old who died in a car accident was buried and everything a little while ago but then, no one stepped forward to pay the bill so his headstone was re-possessed. Eventually, the kid’s class mates raised the money and paid for it. What an extraordinary business to be in. The repossession of headstones. “Yeah, I’m really where I want to be in terms of career. If people die and don’t end up making provisions for their grave, I deconstruct the final physical indication that they existed. It’s a good company and there’s really a great coffee next door." [source]

A group of New Zealand vegans have announced that they are shunning sex with carnivores on the grounds that someone else’s body that is “made up of other bodies” is unattractive. Naturally that means that they won’t be sleeping with the Frankenstein monster even though it isn’t clear whether or not he ate meat. Also, in this case, it seems as though veganism has replaced what organized religion usually does for most people. As a result, if you peer past the hyper self righteous dogma of this particular group, there’s probably a whole lot of rape and trauma in their backgrounds that halts them from having sex in the first place. Not that people can’t decide who they have sex with or what they eat but the issue in these instances is usually not what it seems. [source]

I don’t know if this is statistically accurate but in Asia, people have less body hair on average than people in the west. What happens to all the unused body hair? Well, apparently, it’s relegated to one person who is completely covered in it and who is affectionately referred to (by himself) as King Kong. Mr Kong is currently on the campaign trail to carry the Olympic torch at the Beijing Olympics. It would be a great moment in the opening ceremony to address the Asia-based hair issue. In much the same way that Australia addressed the crucial “lawnmower” and “clothesline” issue back in 2000. Any money says that the Chinese government accepts him on the condition that he shave to look presentable. [source]

It’s not just the Daily News that is reporting this, it’s more or less every other news outlet as well: Britney’s afraid someone might kidnap her two boys and hold them for ransom if the details of the custody deal with K-Fed are released to the public so she’s asked the judge to seal the documents.

Those kids have only got a few good kidnapping years left in them before they become totally unmanageable, entitled Hollywood freaks. Like, they have about 3 years left. After that, anyone who kidnaps them deserves everything they get from those boys.

In fact, it would almost be the premise to a lame Adam Sandler type movie that is essentially just Home Alone oh GOD, or Curly Freaking Sue. With that kid and her freaking cute American spaghetti sucking head and cutesy adult awareness. Jesus, you just want to get that freaking film and smack the crap out of it. The film. Not the actual kid. Thank you, Mr. parole officer.

Ok…reigning it back in.

Anyway, so what would happen is, once the Spears Federline kids reach about 5 and 6, because she squeezed them out pretty quickly there’s only about a year between them, they become diverse metaphors for the east coast and west coast.

Prior to obtaining media savvy identities they were just na├»ve dependant kids. At 5 Sean Preston becomes a vague, narcissistic, looks obsessed LA moron who must shop and have a new cell phone regularly, he does karate which he uses to kick adults to watch them have to repress their rage and is secretly addicted to corn syrup. Jayden James, on the other hand, becomes a pale, slim, high maintenance, neurotic, hyper intelligent, coddled prodigy with a myriad of food allergies and boundary sensitivities and together they’re a high maintenance odd couple who put their kidnappers through hell. The kidnappers are Joe Pesci and that other tall thin guy and most of the humour is highly predictable physical comedy.

Meanwhile, if Britney wants to give credibility to every single insane fear she has at the moment then ok...while she’s protecting her kids from potential kidnappers, why not also build that fence that covers her entire house to protect her from the shrieking winged monkeys that come at the stroke of midnight and beckon for her dying soul to follow them. Might as well get it all done at once. [source]
Despite her genuine lack of talent and the fact that the public are not so accustomed to a human emotion infused version of her, Paris Hilton has managed to audition AND score a role in the film "Repo! The Genetic Opera" - a musical set in the year 2056. It sounds like it could be slightly Blade Runner, slightly Mars Attacks and of course, with Paul Sorvino attached, it will be at least somewhat mafia based and so there will most certainly be two elongated scenes where a bunch of Italian guys sit around talking about or eating salami and pasta with tomato sauce on top. Actually, who am I kidding they’d be talking as they eat so you can see what’s in their mouths and probably one of them will choke or be shot and the entire meal will be ruined. It’s such a shame when that happens. All that top quality Italian food being stained with the blood of gangsters.

Regardless, it’s interesting that after all that effort went into creating Paris as a star the world couldn’t get enough of and, she’s more or less destined to end up where her mother left off – acting in arguably lame film projects to mocking, ironic acclaim.

Kathy Hilton is probably sitting in a chair right now, clutching a large, heavy tumbler full of gin staring straight ahead at a mirror and all she can see is her dreadful, soul burning failure.
Actually, realistically, this could be exactly what Paris needs to regain some cultural relevance now that her paper thin substance has started to dissolve in the face of Posh Spice and Lindsay Lohan. And her own unattractive, translatable humanity. If she can just not suck and can attempt self deprecating irony she could easily be the next Joan Collins. And pretty soon there’ll be a space for that because there’s only so long Collins herself can keep the years at bay with staplers and a blow torch before her head just falls off. [source]
Seeing as the Lohan family are totally together and essentially a living metaphor for emotionally balanced nuclear family perfection, it should come as no surprise that the children would speak out about what is going on in an attempt to really preserve the enriching environment they are currently growing up within.

The New York Post reports that even though Michael Lohan had made a legal request for Dina Lohan to have a drug test before she has contact with the children, he dropped it after the 13 year old sister of Lindsay Lohan said, "Daddy, I love you. I'll love you more if you'll drop that motion." He was making the case that everything the kids say and do is scripted by the mother and this seems like the clearest indication that his bizarre, delusional, show father mind is actually probably correct.

As if the kid has even heard of the word “motion” with respect to legal proceedings. It’s astounding that, apart from Lindsay, they actually still have three kids and that at least one of them hasn’t been found dead in a basement, soaked in urine and with rope burns on their wrists. But then, who knows, maybe they did have more than three.

But come now. Let’s try and repress the bad parts and really concentrate on the good. If we choose to look at it another way, say – in a way that abandons absolutely all reason, one question comes to mind and that question is: Could this actually be any more normal and clearly nurturing?

Hello Magazine has absolutely dropped the ball having not already come in to do a spectacular spread exemplifying the virtues of the Lohan family. It really writes itself; with pictures of Dina in diamonds and a chiffon gown and mules, leaning sort of painfully on a chaise lounge; smiling and with her head thrown back in laughter while the children play in the yard with some kind of inflatable ball and two small, harmless white dogs. Michael Lohan stands by the fireplace leaning next to an oil portrait of his great great grandfather while smoking a pipe and holding a rifle.
The word Lohan is still sort of a blur. Especially after last week’s minute by minute TMZ sponsored Lohanathon. [source]

Monday, July 30, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A little while ago, a strange and mysterious beast that looked like a cross between a dog and a boar but with blue fur was lurking in the hills of Maine and everyone had a good freak out and then it was killed and the photos made it look horrific. Of course, it wasn’t actually horrific, it was just slightly weird as far as genetics go. Well, now the same kind of thing is reported to be happening in Dartmoor, UK. In the images printed in the UK’s Daily Mail, it looks like a dark blue furred miniature elephant, if you’re not wearing glasses. Oh, who am I kidding, it could be anything, it looks like a blur of beast. Hilariously the article included the description of a local person:
It was black and grey and comparable in size to a miniature pony. It had very thick shoulders, a long, thick tail with a blunt end and small round ears.
"Its movements appeared feline, then bear-like sprang to mind.”
The person who said this was Falconer Martin Whitley. He was a falconer. A Falconer indeed!
This is also an interesting story because it is set in the place that inspired Doyle to write The Hound of the Baskervilles. Which means that all myths are entirely historically accurate and the Apocalypse is upon us. Immediately. [source]

Seeing as they’re apparently waist deep in Panda dung, let’s call it dung – poop sounds so infantile – the Chengdu Panda Breeding Base in Beijing has started to come up with ways to process the dung and they’ve naturally gravitated towards making it into picture frames, key rings and other pleasantries that can be kept in the house. Like, on doilies etc. (the doilies obviously catch any kind of emanating fluid months later or after the object d’art has been sitting in the sun etc.). Of course, as it’s in Beijing, the Olympics committee have managed to squeeze in a few Olympic themed panda crap based souvenirs which is good and clean of them. Clean. [source]

Fans of Scotland’s worst poet William McGonagall, who, according to this report had to walk around with an umbrella to guard from being pelted with rotten tomatoes at all hours of the day and night (yes, people would carry a bucket of rotting tomatoes at all times in old time Scotland just in case they saw him. How self indulgent of him to propagate that myth) are still campaigning for his entry into the canon of Scottish literary figures. What’s notable about this article is that it seems to appear for no apparent timely reason. Also, it’s interesting that people in Scotland have fixated enough to know who the nation’s worst poet actually is. As though it were something that could be ascertained. [source]

With Lohan working as hard as she can and more or less succeeding at destroying every facet of her life as she knows it, a lot of people are sitting around speculating about how she’s going to get through, what’s actually going on in her head, how much other people are to blame etc., how many diseases must she have at this point, is she insurable and what does she eat for breakfast. Well, look that’s just fine because those are all important questions. Certainly more important than the ones being asked at the Alberto Gonzales hearings.

Only a fringe dwelling dark minded few have managed to cut to the core of the issue and ask when Lohan will, in fact, top herself and when you think about it – all crassness aside and also, certainly with no wish for this to happen at all – it’s not actually that unreasonable a question.
Rather distastefully, the morbidly fascinating site http://www.theghoulpool.com/ and the equally offensive www.youbettheirlife.com , both of which giving punters the chance to win money if they guess who dies when, have in fact broached the topic and as it also being reported on TMZ.com, the probability of Lohan’s untimely demise due to self reflection based shock has actually increased in odds.

If the girl deals with a blooming career and mammoth international interest in her by relentlessly getting completely and utterly tanked and high on chemicals, commandeers a car with people in it and then, with the look of a possessed and bloodthirsty rabid wild boar/dog beast drives in irrational pursuit of someone else – all the while her tongue definitely (probably…maybe) hanging out the side of her mouth as her eyes glow with vicious demonic purpose then having everything ripped away from her at once could feasibly cause her to want to and in fact, end it all.

Anna Nicole Smith pioneered the way in publicity coups by dying of a terminally infected soul and now, with Lohan, it seems mathematically more likely that that coup could be outdone. Again, not that that’s what I’m hoping for at all – it would be horrific if she did kill herself but it is a question that stands to be asked – especially seeing as every other question has been so far. [source]
Star Jones is finally talking about, among other things, the real reason she was so utterly unliked on The View and it’s nothing to do with her unavoidably alluring physique, extraordinarily easy going approach to sensible adult relationships and who makes what decision when it comes to work.

It’s actually about the fact that she’s a woman.

Best quote ever in this piece is the quote that the Post took from an interview with Star from Marie Claire:

"Donald Trump told me, 'Star, they'd never have given you a hard time if you were a white guy.'

Well, yes, that’s certainly true but then if Star Jones were a white male (and let’s not rule anything out…underneath all that surgery and makeup she could actually be anything at all) they also wouldn’t have given her the job in the first place. After all, The View is about women sitting around a table talking about various things.

What is astonishing is that Star Jones chose to take seriously and to actually re-quote Donald Trump when he was clearly talking to her while looking around the room trying to figure out how the hell he was going to get away from her while phoning in whatever the hell he had to to keep it looking like he was paying attention. From the looks of things, Star Jones is one of those people who goes to parties and gets her photo taken with actual celebrities. Then she mounts them on her wall. For every image of her and someone else there’s a framed, photoshop image of her, standing next to herself at an awards ceremony. In most of them she’s wearing a gown with sunglasses on. But she’s inside and it’s dark. She does that because she’s intolerable. [source]
Paris Hilton’s star is fading fast. The Simple Life has been cancelled after 5 seasons, this week’s reigning LA socialite import Posh Beckham has publicly rejected her after Hilton attempted a strategic alliance, and it was just reported that Conrad Hilton is finally so disgusted with her behavior overall that he’s cut her out of the Hilton will. Still, the endless self absorbed narcissism and entitlement had to explode at some point.

What went wrong? She was supposed to go into jail and then come out an even bigger, more omnivorous celebubeast and instead she’s being slowly relegated to the beach by herself with her latest dog.

Paris’ cultural power was and, ok…still essentially is, entirely centered around her body and ability to spend money without responsibility. There’s nothing more to it. She represents what people want most in America: to be sexually attractive, able to indulge without recompense and the ability to feel nothing painful.

It’s not that she has lost those two factors and therefore she lost all her power, it’s that she infused her persona with some level of emotional depth and potential intellectual capability and the public don’t like that at all. What they liked or still sort of like in Paris was her lack of angst, her no-limits lifestyle and her generic, completely generic sexual appeal. Those are simple distractions and can’t be muddied with human depth. Her behavior surrounding jail including her screams for her mother while being carted off to prison coupled with the revelation of apparent mental illness made her unpleasantly real and as such the public have no room for her.

Jan Carl interviewed her the other day on Entertainment Tonight and Paris explained in crippling, coma inducing, listed detail the extent to which she likes other things like cooking and wants to have a son. She used that soft, lethargic tone that is great for two word soundbytes like, “that’s hot” because it sounds like a phone sex worker’s voice; a one dimensional character that exists entirely to represent packaged desire. Even the hideously fake and earnest Jan Carl had to go to war like battlestations with herself to maintain the illusion of interest in what Paris was saying and for that to happen means something is desperately difficult to bear.

Although, when you think about it, if ET is on the publicity trail with Paris Hilton then she must be rating well enough. ET doesn’t go near anything that isn’t a shoe-in in terms of ratings so technically, she must still have some celeb clout in her weary painted carcass. But then, she probably just has electricity being forced through her body at all times so she can operate, perhaps she’s been dead this whole time and we never noticed. [source]
It could be genuine angry bitterness or it could be a narcissistic ploy for attention at a strategic time (does she have a new book in the wings?) but every now and then, Germaine Greer stands up and proclaims an opinion that is so calculatedly unpopular that the public outrage that ensues can only possibly for some kind of personal gain.

The New York Post reports that Greer has come out and said, in an article that ran over the weekend in the Weekend Australian magazine that she thinks Diana, Princess of Wales was:

"devious," "slow" and "disturbingly neurotic . . . Of the four Spencer children, Diana was the slowest . . . [Her] death may have resulted indirectly from [one] of her back-handed manipulations - it is said that she only went to Paris with her late lover Dodi Fayed in order to make heart surgeon Hasnat Khan jealous." Greer continues her rant, "Diana was never a fashion icon; she dressed to the same demotic standard of elegance as TV anchorwomen do, plus the inevitable hat . . . Diana's legacy is no more than endless column inches of adulation and speculation."

And really, it’s just perfect timing. Right now we’re in the period of weeks in between the Diana Memorial Concert and the anniversary of her death so the time to sink the teeth in is perfect.

Why, exactly, Germaine Greer wants attention right now is unclear but this isn’t the first time she’s chosen her moment to pounce on a matter of massed public sensitivity for her own publicity gains.

A few years ago she came out with a public statement of disdain at the way Australia was dissolving into a land of suburban sprawl and mediocrity and as such, it was totally understandable that a million Australians live abroad. This isn’t a new observation about Australia, it’s always been that way and furthermore, Australia always reacts with predictable extreme defensiveness when that particular observation is made. In the end, and I suspect it is the same with this instance about Diana, it simply served to deliver the same negative, outraged and probably alienating negative attention Greer craves and it also delivers a perfect chance for politicians to leap on the populist bandwagon and win the public’s approval. Prime Minister Howard leapt to Australia’s defense with the same salivating opportunism that he declared Steve Irwin’s funeral a state affair then in exactly the same way that Diana’s lounge room dwelling housewife fan base and some as yet unmobilised public figure are and will leap to her defense now. [source]

Friday, July 27, 2007

Week #30 in Review

Everything in the world of Lindsay Lohan had been going more or less according to plan when it came to damage control until this week. Over the past few weeks carefully placed news items leaked entirely to exemplify how sober Ms. Lohan now is were reported including the one that hit the internet Monday which suggested that Callum Best, Lohan’s former boyfriend, had lost interest in her entirely because she is now so sober. While no one really believed that it was a completely legitimate news item, when Tuesday morning came round, the Lohan damage control machine was completely blown out of the water as she was arrested for DUI again at around 3am. Her scheduled appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno was cancelled.
While daughter Lohan was busy ruining her career and life, mother and father Lohan were in court getting divorced and the judge told Michael Lohan to get a job. Sister Lohan chimed in too when she wrote a letter in bad English to a gossip website explaining that her father was a deadbeat and that the family wasn’t as screwed up as it seemed.

Despite rumours of a sidelining injury, David Beckham did take to the field to play his first game of soccer in the US but he only played for the final 12 minutes. As Mr. Beckham was busy playing for those 12 minutes, Mrs. Beckham was busy being photographed not smiling which raised eyebrows considering how much the heavyweights in LA had done to welcome them when they officially arrived.

Johnny Depp paid close to three million dollars for a penthouse apartment in Los Angeles into which he will eventually move after living in France for five years, amid controversy about the filming of his latest movie in Germany, Tom Cruise was described by the German Protestant Church as being the contemporary equivalent of Joseph Goebbels and after being found last week lying on the ground in Kauai airport, Nick Nolte was spotted out dressed like a vagabond scientist; his publicist stated that all his recent public appearances could be explained away by the fact that he was researching for a film role.

Britney Spears’ OK! magazine interview went terribly wrong when she turned up extremely late, dismissed the stylists on hand so her own friends could do her hair and make up, allowed her dog to shit on the floor which she rectified by cleaning it up with a several thousand dollar gown not to mention the chicken grease she wiped all over another expensive gown. The magazine was at odds with the ethical implications of publishing the article they put together and accompanying photos but then went ahead with it anyway. Meanwhile, Spears’ now estranged cousin softly announced her intentions to follow a pop career. Spears ended the week by releasing a possibly old track by sending it to TMZ.com in a hand addressed envelope and by breaking her custody agreement with K-Fed and taking her sons to Las Vegas.

It was announced both that Nicole Ritchie will be doing 4 days in jail for her stint of driving down the wrong side of the road and that Whoopi Goldberg and Sherri Shepherd are to take over the spot left vacant on The View by Rosie O’Donnell however only the former was confirmed to be true.

Jennifer Hudson signed on to be one of the faces of Avon, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband Prince von Ahnalt was found in his car, naked and handcuffed to the steering wheel, and rumours abounded that a stage version of Brokeback Mountain was in the works with Hugh Jackman and James Marsden slated as potential stars to play Jack and Ennis.

Lauren Bacall was quoted in the Post as saying that she hasn’t met a person in the last 20 years that she would want to spend an evening with let alone share the rest of her life with, Jennifer Lopez explained that the way she and her husband coped with the stress of playing an abusive relationship on screen was by telling each other that they are both “so normal” each night on the way home from the set of El Cantante and it was revealed that three times the amount of people who submitted questions for the Democratic candidates participating in the presidential debate through youtube.com submitted applications to be P. Diddy’s assistant.

In numbers and records news, the world’s fattest man weighed in at 560kg which is 200kg less than what he used to weigh making him almost a double record holder with the title of fattest man and most weight lost occurring at the same time, a Polish bus driver was fired for sending 38,000 text messages from his work cell phone in the hopes of winning a jackpot competition and a Middle Eastern businessman went to a club in London called “Crystal” and spent 105,000 pounds on alcohol in one night making it a record for the club and mobilizing other rich people to want to break that record.

In Europe, a woman walked into an art gallery and kissed an artwork by Cy Twombley causing the gallery owner to accuse her of raping the artwork, Harrod’s announced the release of it’s $250,000 frying pan and cutlery set and a survey in Italy showed that most people think that allowing doping to be legal in cycling would improve the sport. An English thief stole various things from a store in Berlin and on his way out left a note explaining what he had done and it was decided that the sacred bull, Shambo was to be put to death in Cambridgeshire due to the fact that it has TB.

Two Austrians and a German were arrested in Serbia for riding bikes naked as a heat wave swept the area, a German woman wearing only gold stiletto heels drove up to a petrol station in Berlin in a Ferrari to buy cigarettes and no one was offended and a snack bar owner in Berlin was issued with a 2 billion dollar tax bill by the Federal government.

In Asia, the Chinese government made an official announcement that as part of the country’s preparations for the Beijing Olympics, the Chinese people are to give up all bad habits, while in the United States Senator Byrd made an outraged speech accusing professional basketballer Michael Vick of being barbaric when it was revealed that Vick had been training dogs to be fighters for the purposes of betting and it was discovered that a cat in Rhode Island has the ability to predict who, in a nursing home, will die next.

“No one dies on the third floor,” said one of the doctors at the home. “Unless Oscar pays a visit and stays a while.”
Three times the number of people who submitted youtube video questions for the Youtube presidential debates submitted video applications to be P Diddy’s assistant. People are obviously going to be appalled but there’s no surprise here really. With P Diddy you get to act like you ARE the president. With the debates you have to think about other people. The latter option is not as pleasant. [source]
Honestly, this has got to have been one of the best weeks in celebrity insanity news and that’s unfortunate because I’ve been really pre-occupied with insomnia due to portfolio insanity. Prince von Ahnalt, Zsa Zsa’s husband and according to himself only, the alleged father to Anna Nicole’s baby was found in his car, naked, robbed of everything he owns – apparently the victim of three hookers. Or perhaps it was one of the highly prevalent lesbian gangs – oh wait – they’re only on the East Coast. I mean, really though. At the end of the day, how astounding is this story? Let’s sum it up: A Prince (who incidentally, isn’t a Prince because his title was paid for and the United States has no Princes) was found in his car, naked. He has no title, no clothes, no dignity, no kid with Anna Nicole and indeed, the lack of these elements only goes to show just how sharp and together Zsa Zsa, herself is. What a winner of a husband; a charlatan, whore banging old man. There’s nothing more sexually attractive than that. Champagne! [source]
The Lohan parents were in court and the judge told Michael Lohan to get a job. It’s a really lovely time for the Lohan family right now. Everything is so calm and peaceful and charming. All the pieces are coming together for a what will undoubtedly be a genuinely idyllic, family based future. [source]
Whoopi Goldberg and Sherri Shepherd are replacing Rosie on The View which is an interesting choice. If we could only combine the two into one person it would be a good choice. This choice is interesting at best and tiresome just on a basic level. Sherri is a smiling, laughing, bouncing, good natured idiot who insists that Creationism is credible explanation for the universe’s beginning and Whoopi is a far too evolved character for a show based on half assed attempts at political discourse and a denial laced documentation of the slow decomposition of Barbara Walters. Still, who else were they going to get? Dina Lohan? Oh God. [source]

Nicole Ritchie is getting 4 days for driving down the wrong side of the road. Is it too tiresome to say, “Jail time is the new “beating up on journalists and paparazzi?” Yes, it probably is, so let’s now just put it this way: doing jail time is the new celebrity soul exfoliator. Rehab certainly won’t cut it any more. If you do a little time inside, you come out and then you cash in. After Lohan goes in, any other celebrity who gets jail time and tries to cash in will be the equivalent of Jesse Metcalfe going to rehab or Andy Dick accidentally saying “nigger”. This is the flip side of the mammoth level of accolades these people get for virtually nothing except having a credit card their family pays off. That’s more or less what the average American apparently wants nowadays.[source]
It’s been a little while since she ego bombasted (yes, you can do that) her way around the media sphere after winning an Oscar for more or less playing herself in a pretty average film and then laying into people from American Idol for not being behind her despite her colossal luck and success. That’s why it’s good that Hudson is back and she’s modeling for Avon. If she can’t be on the big screen belting out brassy vanity numbers then she should at least be the face of a line of products sold by people who are essentially in pyramid scheme cult. Thank goodness she’s back. [source]

Johnny Depp is moving back to LA and the time is just about right as well. Even though he is the beloved Jack Sparrow, after living in France for such a long time there’s bound to be a little cultural resentment built up among Americans for him having abandoned them or something but that’s ok because Posh and Becks have been easing America into liking the cultural scorn that imports from Europe seem to represent. It’s sort of the new celebrity black in publicity generating antics – that is unless you count doing jail time. Plus, it’s even more elite because not all celebrities can claim European elitism. You’ve got to invest a lot of time and also not fake the accent. There’s nothing more appalling than someone who moves to say, London, and then had a fake accent all of a sudden. [source]

In further news about how totally cool and together Britney Spears is, Britney broke her custody agreement with K-Fed and went to Las Vegas. What exactly does she do all day? One minute she’s in the studio preparing her album and music videos and then every other second she’s out spending maddening amounts of cash on inane things like dogs and yachts and endless amounts of sushi. SUSHI? That’s what you eat when you eat out in Hollywood because it’s swank but there’s no fat in it. God. [source]
Lindsay Lohan released a statement saying that she wasn’t driving, a black guy was. TMZ goes on to interview the guys that were actually in the car when she was chasing and they basically painted her as a celebrity, axe wielding freak. It’s hard to know what really happened but it’s actually a lot more fun to assume that everything they say is incredibly accurate. Lohan is clearly fundamentally unhinged. To really ram the Lohanian guilt home, TMZ then ran a poll asking whether Lohan played the race card. 86% of people said yes, and whether or not they could possibly have any idea about how truthful the guys were in their interview, at the end of the post they ran, it doesn’t matter what they’re asking you about Lohan – you’re going to vote that she did it. TMZ is unashamedly horrifying in the best possible way. [source]

So basically I spent the entire day dealing with the US Post Office and that's why there aren't any posts online today.

Today more or less involved going to the Post Office in the Empire State Building, lining up, waiting, asking a customer service representative who looked like a little Latino pumpkin how much it would cost to send a 48 pound box to Australia that was 20x15x13, being told it would cost 192.80, going back to the office, packing 48 pounds of things in to a box, addressing it, carting it down to the freaking Post Office, waiting in line, asking who looked like a diusgruntled, haggard version of Andrew Sullivan to process the package, finding out that it would actually cost 385.00 because the box was 6 inches too large, carting the box back to the office, calling up courier offices to find out that it would cost in excess of 500 dollars to have the 48 pound box shipped through anyone else, unpacking the box, repacking it into 2 smaller boxes, carting it back down to the Post Office, waiting in line, asking a customer service representative to process it, being told that the "To:" and "From:" label had to be on the same panel, noticing that they weren't, almost having a coronary, being told that I shouldn't stress because if that was the least of my worries I had nothing really to worry about, paying 175 dollars to post the two boxes and then finally coming back to the office.

The parts that I left out involved the repeated congested, stopping-at-every-floor use of the elevator at all of the times I needed it, the oblviousness of the doormen to my need to open the door while carrying a 48 pound backage, the relentless, repetitive, detailed complaints about the lack of air conditioning in one part of the office from the office tenants I don't actually work for and the dumpling restaurant cashier who insisted that it was impossible to get a half/half combination of kim chi dumplings and pork dumplings on the basis that one was boiled and one was fried.

So, that's why I basically did no blogging today. However, in a minute, I'll post the entire day in rapid fire summation.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Like clockwork, people are complaining that Posh Spice is being too elitest and cold to everyone in relentlessly smiling LA and that means, everything is going swimmingly.

Of COURSE she’s cold and mean and sort of cruel – not sure how she’s cruel but you just know she’d like people to think she’s cruel. Sort of like a fashion editor. Fashion editorial people just love to be thought of as cruel and powerful. Actually, lower rung fashion PR people sometimes do too. Oh, ok whatever.

Anyway – so, she’s mean and isn’t smiling enough. Good.

All she has to do now is turn around do something charming and nice, just once, and it will all work perfectly. She could very easily leverage the class anxiety Americans suffer so desperately from when it comes to the English; treating everyone with contempt until the last minute when she’s suddenly lovely and all the LA society people turn and act like it’s always been pleasant. Then everyone loves her, she eases back into mean and cold and the cycle begins and she takes over.

After the Scientology contingent threw her a welcome party, it seems like she’s got to come up with something pretty soon or the resentment will take over. This is the same kind of give and take thing that America has with English actors. Of course, with English actors they’re giving performances on the screen and they’re often adopting American accents so it pans out.
Of course, the other option is that Posh is merely a dreadfully insecure, unstimulated, monied up classless housewife in LA for no reason pertaining to her own non-existent career and as such she has trouble making friends. If she weren’t sort of relegating Paris Hilton to a position of irrelevance I’d care a lot less. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A cat in Rhode Island is really good at walking up to old people in the nursing home he lives in and indicating who is about to die. Firstly, what an asset to a nursing home as far as being able to gauge when beds would be available and also, it's good news as far as dinner party tricks are concerned. I mean, who can pass up a game of the old “who’s gonna die next – bring in the cat” after a three course meal? No one, that's who. Above all that though, the retirement home staff should be commended for installing an initiative that keeps the elderly folk on their toes. "No one dies on the third floor unless Oscar pays a visit and stays awhile," said one of the doctors at the home. Yeah, they sure don’t. Of course, what they’re not telling us is that the cat is probably riddled with disease or it’s actually a sociopath who suffocates the elderly with pillows when no one is watching. Not everything comes back to the Angel of Death. Sometimes it's just an overlooked fact. [source]

An English thief robbed a store in Berlin and then left a note with his address on it informing the shop assistant that he’d just stolen. So, he was arrested and the whole thing panned out making him look like a conflicted sort of guy. There’s one of these stories printed every couple of weeks and it could be because there’s nothing else to say so Reuters journalists are just making crap up or it could be that a good percentage of criminals are just freaking idiot crack heads. It’d be nice to think both were true, actually. [source]

A Polish bus driver has been fired for sending 38,000 text messages from his business cell phone. He was trying to win a jackpot competition and he ran up a bill of 94,000 zlotys. Polish currency is zlotys. It’s hard to tell how you actually say zlotys but it seems like you’d just say “zlotys”. Oh my God. Ok, so the guy sent a bunch of texts and was fired. I would say that his attention to detail and the task at hand should be immediately commended. To send 1200 texts you’d really need to send just under one a minute for a full 24 hours. After being fired he was quoted as saying, “Now I am without work.” And he was right. And still is. [source]

Even though it’s just a rumour, there’s a whole lot of talk about putting Brokeback Mountain on the stage and also, that Hugh Jackman and James Marsden are supposed to be the ones who play Jack and Ennis. A lot of the talk is about how it’s just a rumour or how hot it would be to get Jackman to have sex on stage with James Marsden (cause that is actually exactly what’s in line for this production…it’s entirely possible that they will get naked and go at it for ten, fifteen minutes live on stage each night – it’s a really reasonable and artistically viable idea.).

And look: those speculations are all well and good. They’re normal even. In fact, it’s also sometimes really important for us to speculate about those things. And obsess.

The mature and adult question, however, might actually be, what the hell kind of stage show would Brokeback Mountain actually make? It sort of smacks of that old but brilliant Corky St. Clair idea of making Backdraft into a Musical. Just take a movie and whack it on stage. There’s no rumour of any musical numbers but, it goes without say that it could be a dramatic triumph if they had the Mountain Top Internalised Self Loathing Dancers in the background at all times, just lounging around in cowboy gear. Sort of like the three boys that hang out a lot in The Magic Flute as a sort of moral compass. Except these ones would be in glittering chaps and would each wear two button-up shirts.

Even if this is supposed to go on stage, however, it’s a really great move for Hugh Jackman. He’s essentially the only action hero movie actor who has also played repeatedly and to critical acclaim on Broadway and he manages to fluctuate between gay roles and straight roles with professional maturity that doesn’t seem to forcibly stick him in any box.

With Priscilla the Musical, Mamma Mia, Grey Gardens, Brokeback Mountain the stage play (or musical…please?) will the upwardly mobile, theatre going gay yuppie/middle aged, fat, emotionally daunted office worker women on a girls night out demographic be a little exhausted though?

Plus, as My New Plaid Pants said, this is also simply an opportunity to post more pics of HJ and JM.

Increasingly tasteless yet sincere and debilitating personality corset bursting insanity and or just a plain old complete lack of talent, it seems, aren’t deterring two of pop culture’s highest ranking officials from churning out musical gems. TMZ reports that Paris Hilton is graciously and with great humanitarian concern returning to the recording studio to put together another exceptional album and Britney has, as part of her new hands on management technique, delivered a song – possibly by hand – to TMZ.com in order to get it out there.

Quite a smart decision on her part, just as an aside, seeing as they relentlessly drive her into the ground, almost daily. Why not throw them a bone when you’re unhinged. They’re bound to call it quits.

So, If Paris and Britney were standing at a crossroads in the middle of the desert, each suggesting that she be followed and you had to make a decision about which way you’d turn based on the musical offerings they are making – as though the music were somehow emblematic of good or evil - you have to, hands down, side with Britney in this case.

Paris Hilton doesn’t actually exist to the universe beyond her physical presence or likeness. Her music is technically irrelevant to culture beyond collective knowledge that it exists. No one cares to listen to it and if they do it’s not a complete experience and is merely an extension of looking at her. Except you’re not looking you’re listening. She should really only be looked at if anything at all. Never listened to. If you listen, you are failing to consume her as she should be consumed.

Britney, on the other hand, is clearly infusing the old ways with the new in her latest single offering which was delivered to TMZ, no doubt freshly cleaned of vomit and chicken grease using Windex sprayed onto a 40,000 dollar Lacroix gown. With this track, on one hand there’s the generic, saccharine pop element with the scratchy beat and relentless breathy intro text but on the other the lyrics are all about her current deeply emotional plight:

And I lose control, and I hit the floor. And I say, hey, what’s your name? I am here…going insane.

And you know, there’s really some insight here into what Ms. Spears is going through because she probably did hit the floor after losing control and she most certainly is going insane. Kudos to you Britney for writing it down and putting it out there. Now stop doing everything. Now. [source] [source]

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A Middle Eastern businessman went to a club in London called Crystal and spent 105,000 pounds on booze in one night which is some kind of record for the club. He was throwing money around in the form of massive bottles of Cristal champagne etc. and also took home a £9,000 jeroboam of Dom Perignon in a white gold case just in case he needed more booze when he got home. More insanely expensive booze. The interesting thing about this club is that it’s the setting for this story but there’s nothing actually about the venue itself in the article. Nothing that explains why anyone would go there and spend 105,000 pounds on liquor. Prince Harry goes, Pete Dougherty cheated on Kate Moss there, Orlando Bloom goes there. But why? Now, all the rich prats have been mobilized to try and beat the record and they’re making bookings and all the club has to do is sit back and wait for the insane amounts of cash to flow in. For no apparent reason. [source]

As part of their ongoing campaign to ready Beijing for international scrutiny at the Olympics next year, Olympic officials in Beijing have made an announcement informing people to get rid of their bad habits. Apparently, bad habits that infest the Chinese people are Spitting, littering and the unwillingness of many Chinese to stand in line. It’s also interesting that the Chinese government considers it possible to change the minute behavioural habits of its people through assemblies and announcements. It’s really just like high school when you’ve got a Royal visitor on the way. There’s an assembly, they tell you not to throw up on the visiting dignitary. Everyone rolls their eyes. One rebellious kid in the back whose parents divorced recently vows to throw a spit ball at the visitor. Everyone wonders whether it will end up happening but doesn’t dare question his word. [source]

According to a survey in Italy, the majority of people actually want to make doping legal when it comes to cycling. They apparently think it would save cycling as a sport and you know, if you think about sport as entertainment and, Lord knows, some people actually do…then they’re probably right. If you allow people to get doped out of their minds and then train they’ll become freakish, human sporting machines, they’ll do faster and better than ever before, then they’ll beat the crap out of their wives, husbands and children and every now and then flip out in public – maybe at children which of course is even better than a spouse in terms of horror value. So, with legalized dope usage in Italy what you’ll get is a great show on TV when cyclists are racing and a whole lot of great celebrity gossip fodder in the interim. It’s really win win. [source]
Just as an aside from the whole young Hollywood meltdown thing, Lauren Bacall was quoted by the Post by way of the Times of London, explaining why she’s single and it’s pretty clear that she’s really hit the nail on the head.

They don't exist anymore. Why? Don't ask me. I haven't met anyone I wanted to spend an evening with, much less a life with," the Hollywood legend, 82, tells the Times of London.

And she’s right! Being a randicly bitter, emotionally dead old Manhattan matron who is about on par with Prince Phillip when it comes to political and social views couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that she can’t get a date. Regardless, it’s not all bad news. The whole part about never having met anyone she would want to spend a life with is sort of not so important at this point, is it?

I mean, she’ll be dead in the next 4-5 years anyway especially with that level of hate boiling away inside her. Wouldn’t the time be better spent just cutting to the chase and wearing black Chanel suits and sunglasses while sitting in hotel bars on the Upper East Side, drinking martinis while pretending not to cry? [source]
Ok so, you’ve called up a major gossip magazine in the hopes of making some money with an exclusive interview about your apparent breakdown (a not entirely unanticipated event seeing as the first 25 years of your life you more or less lived in a cage) and you end up making the decision to clean dog shit off the floor with a Chanel dress and you have a paranoid breakdown in front of photographers, journalists and stylists.


You are under close scrutiny for your excessive drug and alcohol consumption and you are at the point where you’re actually wearing an alcohol monitoring device but you decide to get rat faced, score some coke and then drive like a maniac chasing your assistant and her mother through the streets of LA until you end up at a police station where you’re booked for DUI and drug possession. Your court date is set on the same day as another court date you already have, you have a movie coming out on Friday and you were meant to be on the Tonight Show that night but they actually cancel.

I think we’ll all agree that everyone can relate to these scenarios on some level.

Alright, the game is: What do you do? Well, according to the real life celebrity example we have in Britney Spears (option 1) apparently you go shopping. It’s never too dark, disturbing and self revelatory a time for Britney Spears to not go shopping. Even OK! magazine had to pause and actually weigh up whether or not they should publish the material they got in those few hours with Britney entirely because they could see it as the moment that clinched the complete and utter downfall of Britney Spears. Yeah, that’s a tough one. So, the article’s coming out Friday. But, what does Britney shop for? Apparently it doesn’t matter. As long as there’s consumption involved. Things must be attained if the gaping void is to be medicated.

Ok, now – so, if you’re playing at home and you got that one right let’s see how you did on the second. The second is, of course, a little more surreal as the stakes are remarkably higher and you’re actually potentially looking at jail time. Well, when I say “potentially looking at” I mean “definitely definitely in store for lots of unavoidable”.

So, what is the answer? Well, the celebrity example we’ve been given through Lindsay Lohan is that you flee the public eye except you don’t really. You actually check into the heavily watched Chateau Marmont from which you offer public statements that appear to be supported by little to no legal advice. “I’m innocent” may, in fact, not be enough for a celebrity savvy judge in Beverly Hills who wants a promotion. Isnt Lohan worth a mint? Why is she making any statements to the media at all by herself?

Despite the fact that Lohan is screwed, the public is going to be lenient on her because she actually has talent.
[source] [source] [source]