The Reluctant Whore

Ok so, you’ve called up a major gossip magazine in the hopes of making some money with an exclusive interview about your apparent breakdown (a not entirely unanticipated event seeing as the first 25 years of your life you more or less lived in a cage) and you end up making the decision to clean dog shit off the floor with a Chanel dress and you have a paranoid breakdown in front of photographers, journalists and stylists.

OR

You are under close scrutiny for your excessive drug and alcohol consumption and you are at the point where you’re actually wearing an alcohol monitoring device but you decide to get rat faced, score some coke and then drive like a maniac chasing your assistant and her mother through the streets of LA until you end up at a police station where you’re booked for DUI and drug possession. Your court date is set on the same day as another court date you already have, you have a movie coming out on Friday and you were meant to be on the Tonight Show that night but they actually cancel.

I think we’ll all agree that everyone can relate to these scenarios on some level.

Alright, the game is: What do you do? Well, according to the real life celebrity example we have in Britney Spears (option 1) apparently you go shopping. It’s never too dark, disturbing and self revelatory a time for Britney Spears to not go shopping. Even OK! magazine had to pause and actually weigh up whether or not they should publish the material they got in those few hours with Britney entirely because they could see it as the moment that clinched the complete and utter downfall of Britney Spears. Yeah, that’s a tough one. So, the article’s coming out Friday. But, what does Britney shop for? Apparently it doesn’t matter. As long as there’s consumption involved. Things must be attained if the gaping void is to be medicated.




Ok, now – so, if you’re playing at home and you got that one right let’s see how you did on the second. The second is, of course, a little more surreal as the stakes are remarkably higher and you’re actually potentially looking at jail time. Well, when I say “potentially looking at” I mean “definitely definitely in store for lots of unavoidable”.

So, what is the answer? Well, the celebrity example we’ve been given through Lindsay Lohan is that you flee the public eye except you don’t really. You actually check into the heavily watched Chateau Marmont from which you offer public statements that appear to be supported by little to no legal advice. “I’m innocent” may, in fact, not be enough for a celebrity savvy judge in Beverly Hills who wants a promotion. Isnt Lohan worth a mint? Why is she making any statements to the media at all by herself?

Despite the fact that Lohan is screwed, the public is going to be lenient on her because she actually has talent.
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