Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It was just a few weeks out from her court date, the crux point of what a multi faceted corporate PR campaign to portray Lindsay Lohan as a sober, rehabilitated actress had been working towards. Lohan’s ex had been quoted as saying she was boring because she is sober (no one believed it was really him but still…it was public discourse), she’d calculatedly spoken openly about her sobriety with TMZ in a convenience store, she spent extra time in rehab and even turned herself in to the police.

The next phase of the plan was, according to Perez Hilton, her appearance on the Tonight Show tonight to “tell all” and speak about her new project.

Everything was going swimmingly.

Then, Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI this morning and it was all undone and she was placed back at zero. And so, we begin phase two of “celebrities who go to jail”.

That is, of course, if – in this post-Hiltonian (I cannot believe I just wrote the words “post-Hiltonian”) legal system world – the precedent is currently set for irrationally harsh sentences for celebrities. If the judge somehow reflects public opinion then with Lohan the verdict will either be a light, alcohol treatment based slap on the wrist OR she’ll be thrown to the devil wolves in hell to burn for ever. Either way, it’ll be a fascinating trial and one worthy of little gatherings of people dressed in costume.

People don’t resent Lohan as much as they do Paris Hilton because Lohan actually has talent. As a result, they won’t be calling for as much blood but it’ll be interesting to see how the judge responds. Particularly if she gets a showboating LA judge.

Legal issues aside, the really interesting part of this story has got to be the details of what the hell kind of Mama Rose-esque, Joan Crawford horror Dina Lohan so relentlessly infused into poor defenseless Lindsay Lohan as she was growing up. She’s so hell damn hell bent on getting thrown into prison and ruining her career and life – there’s got to be an ocean of freaked out “standing in the closet under the stairs pretending her dolls are her only friends as her parents dressed as Satanic priests and violently argued over who would sacrifice the lamb” memories that kid is keeping under wraps.

Just like with every other celebrity who relentlessly insists they’re pure, perfect and marketably translatable despite being completely insane and unhinged on the inside, the real answer to winning over the public here is …say it with me…a One Woman Show off Broadway, with a stark spotlight and no shoes. She could sing a few acoustic numbers and tell it like it really was.

After she gets out of jail of course, providing she survives the splinter-plenty broom handle sessions with Brunhilde and Marge. [source]

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