The Reluctant Whore

It’s not just the Daily News that is reporting this, it’s more or less every other news outlet as well: Britney’s afraid someone might kidnap her two boys and hold them for ransom if the details of the custody deal with K-Fed are released to the public so she’s asked the judge to seal the documents.

Those kids have only got a few good kidnapping years left in them before they become totally unmanageable, entitled Hollywood freaks. Like, they have about 3 years left. After that, anyone who kidnaps them deserves everything they get from those boys.

In fact, it would almost be the premise to a lame Adam Sandler type movie that is essentially just Home Alone oh GOD, or Curly Freaking Sue. With that kid and her freaking cute American spaghetti sucking head and cutesy adult awareness. Jesus, you just want to get that freaking film and smack the crap out of it. The film. Not the actual kid. Thank you, Mr. parole officer.

Ok…reigning it back in.

Anyway, so what would happen is, once the Spears Federline kids reach about 5 and 6, because she squeezed them out pretty quickly there’s only about a year between them, they become diverse metaphors for the east coast and west coast.

Prior to obtaining media savvy identities they were just naïve dependant kids. At 5 Sean Preston becomes a vague, narcissistic, looks obsessed LA moron who must shop and have a new cell phone regularly, he does karate which he uses to kick adults to watch them have to repress their rage and is secretly addicted to corn syrup. Jayden James, on the other hand, becomes a pale, slim, high maintenance, neurotic, hyper intelligent, coddled prodigy with a myriad of food allergies and boundary sensitivities and together they’re a high maintenance odd couple who put their kidnappers through hell. The kidnappers are Joe Pesci and that other tall thin guy and most of the humour is highly predictable physical comedy.

Meanwhile, if Britney wants to give credibility to every single insane fear she has at the moment then ok...while she’s protecting her kids from potential kidnappers, why not also build that fence that covers her entire house to protect her from the shrieking winged monkeys that come at the stroke of midnight and beckon for her dying soul to follow them. Might as well get it all done at once. [source]