The Reluctant Whore

Week #30 in Review

Everything in the world of Lindsay Lohan had been going more or less according to plan when it came to damage control until this week. Over the past few weeks carefully placed news items leaked entirely to exemplify how sober Ms. Lohan now is were reported including the one that hit the internet Monday which suggested that Callum Best, Lohan’s former boyfriend, had lost interest in her entirely because she is now so sober. While no one really believed that it was a completely legitimate news item, when Tuesday morning came round, the Lohan damage control machine was completely blown out of the water as she was arrested for DUI again at around 3am. Her scheduled appearance on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno was cancelled.
While daughter Lohan was busy ruining her career and life, mother and father Lohan were in court getting divorced and the judge told Michael Lohan to get a job. Sister Lohan chimed in too when she wrote a letter in bad English to a gossip website explaining that her father was a deadbeat and that the family wasn’t as screwed up as it seemed.

Despite rumours of a sidelining injury, David Beckham did take to the field to play his first game of soccer in the US but he only played for the final 12 minutes. As Mr. Beckham was busy playing for those 12 minutes, Mrs. Beckham was busy being photographed not smiling which raised eyebrows considering how much the heavyweights in LA had done to welcome them when they officially arrived.

Johnny Depp paid close to three million dollars for a penthouse apartment in Los Angeles into which he will eventually move after living in France for five years, amid controversy about the filming of his latest movie in Germany, Tom Cruise was described by the German Protestant Church as being the contemporary equivalent of Joseph Goebbels and after being found last week lying on the ground in Kauai airport, Nick Nolte was spotted out dressed like a vagabond scientist; his publicist stated that all his recent public appearances could be explained away by the fact that he was researching for a film role.

Britney Spears’ OK! magazine interview went terribly wrong when she turned up extremely late, dismissed the stylists on hand so her own friends could do her hair and make up, allowed her dog to shit on the floor which she rectified by cleaning it up with a several thousand dollar gown not to mention the chicken grease she wiped all over another expensive gown. The magazine was at odds with the ethical implications of publishing the article they put together and accompanying photos but then went ahead with it anyway. Meanwhile, Spears’ now estranged cousin softly announced her intentions to follow a pop career. Spears ended the week by releasing a possibly old track by sending it to TMZ.com in a hand addressed envelope and by breaking her custody agreement with K-Fed and taking her sons to Las Vegas.

It was announced both that Nicole Ritchie will be doing 4 days in jail for her stint of driving down the wrong side of the road and that Whoopi Goldberg and Sherri Shepherd are to take over the spot left vacant on The View by Rosie O’Donnell however only the former was confirmed to be true.

Jennifer Hudson signed on to be one of the faces of Avon, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband Prince von Ahnalt was found in his car, naked and handcuffed to the steering wheel, and rumours abounded that a stage version of Brokeback Mountain was in the works with Hugh Jackman and James Marsden slated as potential stars to play Jack and Ennis.

Lauren Bacall was quoted in the Post as saying that she hasn’t met a person in the last 20 years that she would want to spend an evening with let alone share the rest of her life with, Jennifer Lopez explained that the way she and her husband coped with the stress of playing an abusive relationship on screen was by telling each other that they are both “so normal” each night on the way home from the set of El Cantante and it was revealed that three times the amount of people who submitted questions for the Democratic candidates participating in the presidential debate through youtube.com submitted applications to be P. Diddy’s assistant.

In numbers and records news, the world’s fattest man weighed in at 560kg which is 200kg less than what he used to weigh making him almost a double record holder with the title of fattest man and most weight lost occurring at the same time, a Polish bus driver was fired for sending 38,000 text messages from his work cell phone in the hopes of winning a jackpot competition and a Middle Eastern businessman went to a club in London called “Crystal” and spent 105,000 pounds on alcohol in one night making it a record for the club and mobilizing other rich people to want to break that record.

In Europe, a woman walked into an art gallery and kissed an artwork by Cy Twombley causing the gallery owner to accuse her of raping the artwork, Harrod’s announced the release of it’s $250,000 frying pan and cutlery set and a survey in Italy showed that most people think that allowing doping to be legal in cycling would improve the sport. An English thief stole various things from a store in Berlin and on his way out left a note explaining what he had done and it was decided that the sacred bull, Shambo was to be put to death in Cambridgeshire due to the fact that it has TB.

Two Austrians and a German were arrested in Serbia for riding bikes naked as a heat wave swept the area, a German woman wearing only gold stiletto heels drove up to a petrol station in Berlin in a Ferrari to buy cigarettes and no one was offended and a snack bar owner in Berlin was issued with a 2 billion dollar tax bill by the Federal government.

In Asia, the Chinese government made an official announcement that as part of the country’s preparations for the Beijing Olympics, the Chinese people are to give up all bad habits, while in the United States Senator Byrd made an outraged speech accusing professional basketballer Michael Vick of being barbaric when it was revealed that Vick had been training dogs to be fighters for the purposes of betting and it was discovered that a cat in Rhode Island has the ability to predict who, in a nursing home, will die next.

“No one dies on the third floor,” said one of the doctors at the home. “Unless Oscar pays a visit and stays a while.”