The Reluctant Whore

Week #27 in Review

During the week in which Eva Longoria and Pete Burns both got married in a series of extravagant gowns, Britney Spears jumped on the Paris Hilton and Candy Spelling bandwagon and sent a handwritten letter to a celebrity gossip website apologizing for beating one of its reporters with her umbrella. She claimed she was acting in character for a role she got carried away with. She also sent a little poem to her mother explaining that she didn’t consider them related any more.

People were rummaging through Paris Hilton’s garbage and selling it on ebay for a tidy sum; apparently an empty can of coke went for 51 dollars and an empty can of dog food went for several hundred. The pet food company sent out press releases to make sure everyone knew and the Associated Press ran it.

Lindsay Lohan secretly moved out of Sierra Towers and, in front of the paparazzi, made a dramatic rescue attempt of her brother who was merely surfing with some older guys, Al Gore’s son, Al Gore III was arrested for being in possession of a whole host of prescription medication and some marijuana just days before the Live Earth Concert that Al Gore helped produce and Lily Allen, who recently punched a paparazzi in London, explained that she knew she was getting arrested and that pretty soon she would “be like Paris Hilton” – thus proving that getting arrested is the new dying for celebrity publicity stunts.

Justin Timberlake was acting out in Europe; getting angry with fans and photographers for taking shots of him, Clay Aiken sang a concert in Texas where he did a medley of songs including Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby got back” and Madonna’s “Like a Virgin” thus dissolving the last lingering threads of his perceived heterosexuality and David Beckham explained that his entire family drink milk – even his wife who was just paid $140,000 to play herself in an episode of Ugly Betty.

Mariah Carey, it was reported, is currently wrapping up her next film. Titled “Tennessee”, the film will be her first sojourn into cinema since she almost destroyed culture with her 2001 masterpiece, “Glitter”, ex-supermodel Liz Hurley dressed her son in a pink bikini, photographed him and put the image on her website in an attempt to sell children’s bathing suits. Universal dismay at her decision prompted her to remove the image.

In world record and numbers news Takeru Kobayashi was beaten out in the hot dog eating Championships again by Joey Chestnut, probably in part because he had a jaw injury, Brazil’s Marcelo Melo and Andre Sa broke the record for the longest final set ever played in tennis coming in at 5 hours and 58 minutes and a public restroom in China just opened up with a thousand stalls in it – some of which look like reptiles and the virgin Mary.

In animal news, a study about piranhas that was released indicated that the aggressive fish are not so aggressive when in a one on one situation, it’s only when they’re in big groups that they attack and the offspring of a zebra and a horse was generating a lot of attention due to its patchwork-like body.

In Australia and Asia, Durex Australia announced that it was looking for condom testers and up in Nepal, a child goddess was demoted to the status of mere child because she left the country and that is against the rules when you’re a child goddess in Nepal while in China, the military were given new uniforms after twenty years. Men will now wear outfits that make them look taller and more forbidding and women will wear outfits that accentuate their curves – ultimately making them look more fertile.

In England, a cave near Birmingham was sold as a home for 100,000 pounds and in Poland, the cleric Father Henryk Jankowski announced he would launching a line of perfume. The perfume joins an array of other “Father Henryk Jankowski endorsed” products including a restaurant and line of wine.

“I am for it as long as it serves a good purpose,” Father Jankowski said. “If necessary I will also sing and dance.”