Friday, July 20, 2007

Week #29 in Review

It was a week of pending cultural irrelevance for Paris Hilton as David and Victoria Beckham finally ended their vulture like circling of American pop culture and officially moved into their new home in Beverly Hills. Hilton put the word out that she felt she and Posh could be soul mates but was swiftly rejected by a terse Posh who stated that she didn’t see it happening. In her first interview since arriving, Posh stated bluntly that she thought Americans “dress down a lot, don’t they?” and later in the week as she and David Beckham left The Little Door Restaurant it was noted that they did not smile at the cameras once. Smile or no smile, Tom Cruise and Will Smith’s family got together and announced via gold on gold invitations that they were holding a “Welcome to the US” party for the Beckhams. While this was happening, Paris visited a children’s hospital and played with her new dog on the beach.

The new Dunkin Donuts TV advertisement directed by Zach Braff which stars Naomi Campbell aggressively attacking a tree and small suburban house was released proving that it is possible to make money from having a reputation for physically attacking other people and OJ Simpson was revealed to have been drinking heavily to deal with the disappointment surrounding the fact that the hypothetical book “If I Did It” which he incidentally did not actually write probably won’t earn him any money even if it is published.

Rumours emerged that professional right wing bigot and “nappy headed ho” observer, Don Imus might make a return to radio in September. The time leading up to that comeback is apparently to be spent finding a black comic to be his sidekick.

Lindsay Lohan turned herself in on Friday for DUI in May which marks the next in what is clearly emerging as a multi faceted PR campaign to keep her out of jail devised by no doubt an entire corporation, it was reported in New York that at least 20 gay Broadway stars had been filmed participating in ex-gay therapy for a documentary and photos of Katie Holmes emerged showing that she has what might be the beginnings of a pregnancy bump indicating that Tom Cruise may once again be planning to drum up the relentless old “I’m heterosexual” campaign.

In US based Extraordinarily Odd news, Matthew Danchanko of Pennsylvania was having a hard time renovating his house due to the fact that thousands of bees had moved into the place and would not leave, a dog in Wisconsin managed to eat 750 dollars worth of cash but later vomited it up and shat it out leaving the owners to pick through the matter and reclaim their dough and a random chunk of metal fell through the roof of a New Jersey home all of a sudden and no one knew why.

In Asia, a magician, inspired by the success of the Harry Potter series announced that he is opening a traditional Indian school of magic and condoms that are flavoured like tobacco and betel nut were released for use by Indian prostitutes while in China 2 billion rats drowned in a flood and were carted off to restaurants in southern China to be prepared and eaten. Hysteria surrounding the child goddess who may be demoted to the status of regular human because she left the country continued in Nepal as the girl returned from her trip to the US and a woman in South Korea was arrested for stealing and it was determined that the reason for her kleptomania was an addiction to luxury.

In Europe, Finnish researchers announced that they would be examining the stress levels of fish in an aquarium that will be within close proximity of a rock concert, a 75 year old woman in Sweden just got an internet connection that is 30 gigabytes per second making it the fastest connection in the world and the Head of the Jane Austen Festival in Bath, England sent a slightly altered copy of Pride and Prejudice to 18 publishers and only one of them noticed it was not an original submission. 16 year old student Lydia Playfoot was told by an English judge that she was not allowed to wear her “abstinence pledge ring” to school as it violated the school’s uniform code and in Germany a woman was asked to get off a bus because her breasts were apparently too distracting for the driver.

In Italy, it was announced that an effective way to cope with a heat wave was by taking off one’s tie and the Minister for Infrastructure suggested that the financially unsuccessful airline Alitalia should be sold off for 1 euro or allowed to simply declare bankruptcy.

“When something is diseased,” the Minister said. “you need to amputate it.”

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