Thursday, November 30, 2006

On Thanksgiving morning Martin Luther Jackson, 31 decided to enrich his children's lives by attempting to force his wife into their oven, no doubt against her will, in front of them. His wife escaped with only minor head injuries.
Perhaps the marijuana in his possession brought out the fact that he was desperately unhappy for not marrying Sylvia Plath and he was reduced to trying to re-enact her death, perhaps he was consumed by the delusion that he had access to a more kitchen oriented version of the land of Narnia. Yes, it's safe to conclude that it was more than likely one of those explanations. Only.
Either way he was arrested of course, because at the end of the day he's totally insane.
While resisting being contained, an emu in Germany finally retaliated by tearing to shreads the pants of the police officer who was trying to restrain it.

Part of the enjoyment of this story is imagining the secret levels of arousal the German policeman more than likely experienced having his pants shreaded by a massive angry Australian bird and the relief he felt at realising he wouldn't have to pay the bird at the end of the experience like he would normally have to.
The entire Canadian town of Leader, Saskatchewan became so fed up with the maddening pothole problem on their roads that they were eventually forced to simply remove all their clothing and pose in humorous yet essentially seductive poses next to some of the city's most prominent ones for a calendar.

Seems like a fairly effective way to get people to actually pay attention to those holes; by surrounding them with portraits of human ones.
Celebrity Madness

Apparently, Britney Spears isn't sure the universe saw enough of her vagina the first time so she graciously makes it available for inspection again.

Danny de Vito goes on The View drunk after an all night drinking session with George Clooney and talks about how stupid George Bush is and what it's like to have sex in the White House.

People are giving a lot of thought to whether or not Prince William will marry his girlfriend of five years. It's interesting that a story can be built around virtually no progression in circumstances surrounding the two whatsoever.

Cruise Corp. and Katie Holmes buy a cottage in England within which to continue their charade of a marriage. Reports emerge that Katie was mysteriously unhappy after the wedding. Perhaps it was the fact that the best man came with them to the Maldives or maybe it was just malcontent with the fact that the entire thing is a complete publicity stunt. It's fun to speculate.

Less than six months after they marry, Pam Anderson and Kid Rock file for divorce. Sooner or later there won't be anyone left in that slightly aging rocker circle and it will start to feel icky. Ickier.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

While England and Germany are currently in an aggressive competition to be the winner of the award for most miserable approach to Christmas, Hong Kong, it appears, is already the winner of best place to go if you have more money than God and you want to get rid of it as quickly as humanly possible without experiencing the awkwardness of thinking too much.

A while back there was the flippant purchase of a truffle the buyer didn't even like for $161,000 and this week there was the purchase of a tiny cup a mere 11.3 cm in diameter for a mere $19.3 million.

The thing is, the auctioneers actually anticipated that, at the most, they'd get half that for the cup but, as the purchaser a Ms. Alice Cheng said, "I didn't expect to buy it but my interest grew during the bidding process."

Oh, aren't those days when you don't expect to dump 20 million bucks in one afternoon but do anyway and you spend it on a miniature teacup that is, in fact, only 270 years old just murder but basically hilarious?

That's right, the 20 million buck teacup is not even several thousand years old and used by the first Emperor of China or something. No. In fact, it's not even old enough to have seen the American War of Indepenance.
Interestingly enough, the woman who bought the cup was in fact, a member of one of China's top advisory bodies, the Chinese People's Political Consultative Conference and the man selling it was her own brother. Gosh, she didn't expect to use government money to pay her own brother double what he was expecting but then just happened to anyway?
As everyone knows, the clearest way to register dissatisfaction with an enemy is to break into their home or perhaps just any property they own, bring with you literature which will offend them and scatter it around then finish off your protest by spray painting the genitals of their goats orange. There's really no away around making someone see that you're unhappy with them if you do that. The goats certainly were clear about it.

It's for this reason that there was no doubt that when Drew Gagnon, 37, of Mahopac, New York broke into the barn of Gail Fiero and performed this very ritual on Thanksgiving of all days, he was having difficulty explaining to Ms. Fiero that she had irritated him somehow. That much is certain.

You know you're a god damned screwed up crack head when you're being chased by police for stealing and driving a car and, as you are attempting to get away from the police, you stop to smoke crack.
Because, ultimately, if you're in a stolen car you can always play the "But I just borrowed this from my friend Sam, I am just on my way to get milk" card and you might get away with it. Why stop and not only keep drugs on you but actually put them into your blodstream.

So, that's clearly stupid.
If you're able to pull that off and then keep going, having outrun the police after smoking crack to the extent that you can then stop for another crack break which you actually do - on a boat - the focus on who is failing in life shifts a little toward the police.
Police in Lismore, New South Wales, Australia were no doubt horrified and shocked to find a naked woman in a paddock alledgedly involved in an "indecent act" with a horse. Probably as shocked as the figure in the story who remains nameless and unmentioned that hid and watched until deciding to make the call to the police so as to wash away the guilt of having been interested in what she was doing for that strange period of twenty minutes during which they were unusually aroused.

And the thing is, there's probably a reasonable explanation. Naked women are always in paddocks with horses doing unusual things. Maybe she was just rehearsing for a play. Or maybe she was a devotee of witchcraft, sorcery and the black arts.
At least, that's the story parents told their kids as they drove by the paddock while she was being booked. The kids probably all bought it too. All except for the eldest; he just went silent and kept to himself for the rest of the day.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Only days before the Chinese Government imposes strict new penalties on people who vandalise the Great Wall of China (scheduled for December 1) some panicky, local, dirt-crazy peasants decided to quickly try and steal a load of dirt from the base of it. Dirt from the Great Wall is apparently much better dirt for landfill than the dirt they would be able to find say underfoot anywhere, so they decided to go for one last satisfying haul.

According to them, the Great Wall of China is just a big pile of dirt anyway so why not?

Meanwhile, after the new penalties are imposed, if you steal a brick from the Great Wall, it will set you back $US62,500.
After drinking a sufficient amount of "grain alcohol" (which, of course, is Russian peasant for unmarketable bathroom distilled vodka which may or may not double as tractor fuel/amputation strength antiseptic fluid/pig dip so you know he was borderline clinically dead) a Russian man driving a vehicle named a "Muscovite" did what anyone would do when faced with a policeman planning to confiscate their car - he swallowed his keys.

However, the policeman, unwavering in his professional duty to public's well-being (as Russian police are famous for) went to grab the keys from the mouth of the drunk man and was promptly bitten.
27 year old Charles Sibindana from South Africa had everything under control the day he wanted to call in sick and skip work. He had the note from the doctor, sent it in, took time off. All under control.

Except the one minor flaw he didn't notice which was that the letter said he needed time off work because he was pregnant and the note was from a gynaecologist. His boss noticed and commissioned an inquiry. He had stolen the note.

Curses, foiled etc.

What makes this really noteworthy is that the guy didn't know that gynaecologists are only visited by women which is surprising seeing as he stole the note from his pregnant wife's gynaecologist who must have gone to see one once he graciously impregnated her with his inevitably primate level offspring.

While a local court fined him for forgery and told him he must "not to walk around faking sick letters from gynaecologists", it seems that a far more pressing issue would be what exactly does this man do for work and are we as a society safe when he is allowed to do it unsupervised?

It's fakers like Sibindana that make it impossible for real pregnant men to get respect.
Aurelia Cenusa had entered the lottery and when a parcel arrived unexpectedly in the post she was surprised and excited. Imagine, though, her disappointment when she discovered it was simply the decomposed remains of her father posted to her by the Church who owned the land he was buried on. After selling the land the cemetary was on, the Church graciously returned the remains to the families they came from. In a box. Through the post.

Best quote:

"You could still even see bits of his funeral suit even though he died 16 years ago"
If there's a more laser sharp example of insensitivity from a land developer then it would be fascinating to see it.

"What do we do with the bones from all the graves we're desecrating, boss?"

"Could you get some quotes from Fed Ex about how much it will cost to send them back to the families? Wait, use a local courier...there are a hundred graves here at the most. And don't settle for the first quote - we aren't made of money."


Monday, November 27, 2006

In what appears to be a national effort to get German and Austrian children interested in finding mean things enjoyable - a program focused, no doubt, on what will more or less eventuate in a nation of German and Austrian adults who are sexually attracted to sadness (wait a second...), a (Christian) activist group in Germany are busy promoting a "Ban Santa" manifesto. It could actually be working too. There just aren't enough Santas to go round in Berlin right now.

What happens when a child who was destined to grow up to be your regular garden variety necrophiliac that gets a job in a morgue where he can quietly and efficiently molest corpses and document it for private collectors is subverted because absent parents mean he is raised by cable TV and celebrity magazines so instead he gets a job at a wax museum? This.

Anyone who lived during the Elizabethan era will recall that purchasing the traditional gifts associated with the Twelve Days of Christmas was as easy as breathing in. New research, however, shows that if you're planning to go the whole nine yards this year you'd better be prepared to fork over a hefty load of cash. For example: while 5 gold rings end up cheaper this year due to a "dampening in the demand for luxury items", ladies dancing, lords a leaping and pipers piping are going to cost you a packet at the till. Because technically hiring a collective of leaping aristocrats isn't really considered a luxury. In fact, in some villages in France, it's probably vital.

But, I digress: all up, the 12 Days of Christmas will set you back $US18,920. That's 3% more than last year.

Maybe traditionalists will just have to skip that raw ox heart on Valentine's Day.

There's nothing more enchanting than watching a highly energetic contingent of hippies channel their chronically unmanaged childhood angst into earnest activism for activism's sake. That's why it's important that attention be paid and tribute be given to PETA for their work in demonising an Alaskan church for using animals in it's Christmas nativity scene when in fact they never do or have.

Way to check the basic facts before launching the artillery.

Celebrity Madness

Michael Richards starts the long road through celebrity penance for his racist rant and for not having a publicist equipped to manage the issue well enough.

Britney goes out pants free with Paris and they flash the paparazzi. As seen in the photo, Brit and Par hang out with Linds. Lindsay Lohan only recently accused Paris of throwing something at her at a party. Macro-political implications aside, should these three really be hanging out together? Is it safe to have that much heavily produced, self involved, pop saccharine in one locale at once? Or possibly even on the planet?

People love Daniel Craig as the new Bond despite the fact that they were a little unimpressed when he won the part last year and arrived at the press conference this article was based on.

Professional religious conservative James Dobson goes on Larry King to talk about the re-programming of shamed crystal smokin', hooker payin' cock suckin' anti-gay Executive Evangelist Ted Haggard. Dobson was asked to help with the brainwashing but claims he doesn't have time to do what's required. He does manage, however, to capitalise on the publicity through his connection with Haggard but makes it clear he barely has any contact or interest in him now. At least he can still be an advocate of ex-gay therapy without being involved in its inevitable failure. Bravo. Way to get out unscathed but still take a dip in the scandal to self promote.

The New York Post reports the earth shattering news that Anderson Cooper talks to a hot guy who wore "a tight T-shirt, cut-off shorts and an earring" in South America. Even though it's shameless and pathetic of the Post, it's still funny that there's no other angle to this report.

Moments after stepping onto the stage in Brisbane, Elton John rushes off stage to vomit.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Organisers of the always elegant World Pie Eating Championships have changed the rules of competitive pie eating so now it's about how fast you eat a pie, not how many you eat. Also, vegetarian options are included.

Not surprisingly, the small town folk who love a highly ritualised and exhibitionist emotional overeating are up in arms.
Genius quote from outraged local competitor:
"They've taken things too far this year -- pies are supposed to be meat and potato and anything else just isn't normal," added painter Dave Smyth, 48, who won the first contest in 1992 by eating four pies in three minutes.
In an attempt to placate the completely understandable rage at this blatant disruption of normality felt by competitive eaters, a local participant delivers a sparkling diplomatic quote:
"I realise this may be controversial, but this is the way forward for pie-eating at this level," said Tony Callaghan, the owner of Harry's Bar in Wigan, where the annual competition is held.
People always hate a revolutionary in the beginning.

The Race to Become Most Unpleasant European Nation in which to Celebrate Christmas 2006

In what is apparently becoming a nationwide campaign across England to squeeze every single drop of potential enjoyment out of Christmas, the City Council of Tower Hamlets in London's East End has banned all Christmas decorations for safety reasons and to cut down on electricity.

In defense of its decision kill employee morale by implying that people who run a small town aren't capable of hanging a string of tinsel, the council issued a quote that could only ever come from the kind of micro managing, passive aggressive control freak, probably fat, gray polyester wearing suburban English administrator who has bad skin and problem getting dates that is drawn to working in small town public service in a mortality realising, panic stricken, last ditch, mid to late 30s effort to amount to something before they die a single failure or before their parents die of chronic disappointment:

"There's a concern people might hurt themselves trying to attach hanging decorations from the ceiling. Christmas lights use a relatively small amount of electricity but every effort counts in reducing energy waste."

But when you remove all inklings towards rational adult logic and completely give in to a totally unreasonable fear of being alive, they're probably right.

Week #47 in Review

This week was really focused on the public dissolving of reasonable behaviour among celebrities which obviously made us question how much hope we really have left for humanity. After all, even the previously adorable if not always essentially unmarketable beyond Seinfeld, Michael Richards unleashed a tyraid during which he actually called a black man a “nigger” and it was conveniently caught on tape.

Also caught on tape this week though was the two part interview with O J Simpson entitled “If I Did It” where he describes what he did when he committed murder a decade ago hypothetically but Rupert Murdoch was forced to pull the plug on airing it for decency purposes. Little to no regard for decency was what characterized the actual wedding between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes this week. The actual ceremony took place in Italy and it was reported that plenty of locals were pissed off that they couldn’t see anything, one irate catholic priest rang church bells really loud in protest and it rained.

Buying children in Africa is the official new celebrity credibility enhancer as Leonardo diCaprio offered up the information that he’s now supporting a young girl he met in Africa and it was also more or less believable that maybe Rachel Ray really is just a really nice happy girl despite the rumours that her husband is a spitting hooker paying foot smeller.

But, obviously you knew about these stories – there’s no real need to repeat them again after the mainstream media thrust them into every orifice all week so here now are some of the stories you might not have heard but nonetheless actually occurred during this, the 47th week of 2006.

Too bad for anyone hoping to buy their spoilt brat kid a dog/cat hybrid from the imaginative girl in Brazil who told the world her cat gave birth to three cats and three dogs after saying it mated with the dog next door. Tests were released that showed there was no genetic link between the cat and the puppies she seemed so attached to. So much for that alien freak army of the night we were all hoping for.

And following up on another story that was reported last week, the drunken elk that was terrorizing delightful Swedish children in the village of Molndal is actually now no longer a threat. In its drunken stupor after eating a pile of fermented apples, it wandered onto the ice, fell through and drowned.

And speaking of travesties, the English continued their crusade to ruin the generally enjoyable elements of Christmas this year as staff at Tower Hamlets in East London were told that while they were clearly capable of running a small town, they weren’t to put up Christmas decorations because of the potential for accidents and Christmas lights were banned because of the office’s mission to save on energy.

On the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, in Oberlin Ohio, an artist got in trouble for creating a window scene that depicted the Third Reich made out of gingerbread cookies and Jack Spade in New York was forced to remove the “Do It Yourself Frog Dissection Kits – Complete with real live Frog in formaldehyde" for 40 dollars when animal rights activists complained.

Protests surrounding gifts continued, actually just up the road from Jack Spade in New York when a group if clever young men waited in line for the new Playstation 3 and then went outside the store and immediately smashed it to smithereens. They claimed the gesture wasn’t anti-Playstation.

In China, even the Chinese Government was alarmed at the release of a new product that claimed to remove freckles but in fact caused deep scarring and irreparable damage to anyone who used it and promptly banned all advertising associated with the product. Apparently tests on fish actually caused death but that didn’t seem tot stop the distributor.

In Uganda, a European artist whose work was comprised of convincing local peasants to legally change their names to his in return for much needed livestock was branded “Satanic” by Uganda’s always reliable Ethics and Integrity Minister and new health rules associated with the World Pie Eating Championships in the UK have traditionalists livid. Now, it’s not about how many you eat but how fast you eat one and you get to opt for a vegetarian option.

A man who made a living dressing up as a giant cigarette, using hip-hop music to encourage children around the United States to avoid smoking pleaded guilty to bigamy. Phillip Dale Williams, 37, had as many as four wives at the same time. Ironically, he was caught because he didn’t pay child support and now, his life’s vision to save children from lung cancer is being halted.

Not being halted at all is the sex lives of elderly couples from the Brazilian town of Novo Santo Antonio who were this week offered free Viagra to boost morale and to encourage sex between married couples exclusively rather than with extra marital affairs but in a scenario which is almost the exact opposite a Buddhist monk in Thailand this week got an erection during meditation and was so pissed off that he hacked off his own penis. When rushed to the hospital to be treated he refused to have it reattached.

And finally, an idiot jewel thief in New Delhi was caught this week when he stole around 70,000 dollars worth of diamonds from a jeweler store and then went and got drunk at the same bar three nights in a row. He used some of the money to repeatedly have the band play the same irritating song over and over again and by the third night patrons were so annoyed by him that the called the police who discovered the stolen diamonds on him.

For those poor shivering, petrified children of the Swedish village of Molndal who have been confined to their houses; forced look longingly at the swingset swaying abandoned in the playground across the street as they eat their plates of steaming miniature yet culturally familiar meatballs because of a drunken elk/moose(there are about as many reports citing elk as there are moose) was roaming the streets in an enibriated jaunt, the sadness is finally over.

That emotionally complex drunk moose/elk finally died when it wandered onto some ice, fell through and drowned.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

In what we can only imagine was a moment of pure, authentic zen-like calm, a Buddhist monk in Thailand hacked off his penis because he got an erection while he was meditating. He was rushed to hospital where nurses treated the wound but he declined to have it reattached.

The monk claimed he had "abandoned everything" and that's why he didn't want it reattached.
After all, how else will it learn? A lifetime of hormonal imbalance and identity crisis should be enough to get him to the next cycle.
So much for that unholy army of the night that could have been started when the cat allegedly gave birth to three puppies in Brazil last week. Scientists ran tests and have, alarmingly, ascertained fairly conclusively, that the cat did not, in fact, give birth to dogs.
Stalinism was an example of what happens when you let extreme leftists go too far. Iran is an example of what happens when you let extreme religious fundamentalists go too far. New York accessory designer Jack Spade's line of "Do-it-at-Home-Frog-Dissection-Kit (complete with actual frog in formaldehyde and moist towelette to clean up any unpleasant spills) is what happens when a contingent of coke snorting, overpaid, sycophant marketing executives go too far.

Jack Spade's Soho store stocked the kit (retailing at $US40) until it was taken down from shelves after animal rights organisations complained. A Jack Spade spokesperson said:

"The intent was to celebrate science and biology, present something educational for children and adults," he said. "Jack Spade doesn't support the unethical treatment of animals."

Because when you're in marketing for a nauseatingly overpriced calf skin document case, a kit containing a dead amphibian surrounded by shiny little cutting implements that will teach kids (and adults) about science as well is clearly the next step when it comes to product development.
On the flip side, at least they were gracious enough to offer an answer to the nagging question of what Christmas gift you might like to consider getting that highly strung science geek nephew who bugs you or the macho cannibal banker your sister married.
The dream had to end sometime and for 37 year old Phillip Dale Williams. His particular dream was no different to anyone else. It was simply to dressing like a giant cigarette to travel the country teaching children the horrors of cigarette smoking through hip hop song and it ended this week when it was discovered that he had 4 wives and now faces going to jail for 10 years on charges of bigamy.

It's ironic really, he simply wanted to help the children and he was discovered being a bigamist and arrested when it was ascertained that he wasn't paying child support to his own children.

It really teaches you - take care of your own issues first.

If he had, maybe the rebellious teenagers of tomorrow would be just that bit further away from a crippling lung disease related death. Now, sadly, they aren't any further away from one. In fact, it's safe to say they're probably closer than ever.

There's no quicker way to induce immediate hyperventilation and panic in a computer geek than taking away their gateway to time consuming escapism and a contingent of zany, pent up pranksters from the website celebrated the release of the new Playstation 3 by doing just that. They waited in line for hours to buy one and when they got one, immediately smashed it in front of stunned onlookers outside a store in New York.

They say they're not anti-Playstation, just advocates for people who don't like them and with press like this and a price ticket exceeding $650 per unti it's not exactly hard to see why you wouldn't just want to smash one to piss someone off.

After settling on the idea that a penis implant would make up for all that awkwardness, 25 year old Blake Steidler chose a doctor who botched the surgery. In reaction to that, he did what anyone would do; he put together a mailbomb using items including black gunpowder, a carbon dioxide cartridge, a 9-volt battery, a model rocket engine igniter, and dental floss and posted it to the doctor and then, once he got home, immediately called the police to turn himself in. How many examples of failure and futility are in this story that we can list in one breath? That's right, nearly ALL types of failure.

And now Blake Steidler is going to jail for 4 years and 10 months.

So, essentially, what we have here is a tale that really just gets worse and worse but it's slightly funny because it involves a penis enlargement.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Middle aged swinging couples who have discovered a new lease on their sex lives by becoming exhibitionists and now graciously insist everyone know about it by making every aspect of their lives overtly sexual should be thrilled this week as a Dutch carpenter unveiled his collection of sexualised furniture designs in Germany.

Mario Philippona, whose work includes a bedside drawer which opens by pressing a button in the piece's 'vagina', is on display in Berlin which is probably exactly where it should be on display. After all, Berlin is more or less the wooden bedside table that is opened by pressing a button in it's vagina of international cities so it should fit right in.

Emergency Celebrity Disintegration

Rupert Murdoch cancels the release of the OJ Simpson hypothetical confession novel and television interview because it offends people. Publisher Judith Regan explains that her interests in promoting the book and interview weren't actually motivated by unbridled greed and narcissism. She just wanted closure.

Michael Richards goes on Letterman with Jerry Seinfeld to apologise for his racist tyraid. The clap-happy audience laugh through the beginning of his apology (Richards speaks in a setting that has a humourless, oppressive, Communist gray background emphasising his time now being spent in purgatory). Seinfeld's publicists draw blood as they dig fingernails into palms hoping this brush with America's great shame doesn't deplete sales of any forthcoming Seinfeld DVD box sets.

Robert Altman is dead at 81.

A New Zealand couple who wanted to get married went to The Great Marquee Company to hire the necessary equipment and when they called back, for whatever reason they had, to cancel the order were promptly told by the manager, Katrina Jorgensen:

"Your wedding sounded cheap, nasty and tacky anyway, so we only ever considered you time wasters. Our marquees are for upper class clients which unfortunately you are not. Why don't you stay within your class level and buy something from payless plastics instead. Kindest Regards, Katrina."

Because when you're the office manager of a marquee rental company in New Zealand, there's very little else you can do to ascend the social and professional ladder so you can afford to be a little snippy when people waste your valued, upper class time.
In his ongoing quest to combine the inevitable elements of innocence and basic horror, artist Keith McGuckin is in trouble with the torch baring townsfolk of Oberlin, Ohio (population a whopping 8195) this week because he made a bunch of gingerbread men decorated to look like Nazis and displayed them in the front window of a store. The townsfolk, it appears, inexplicably don't like to eat the Third Reich so they have insisted the display be covered up.

The article includes sterling quotes from the townspeople like this:

"He's gone way overboard this time...A few of his other displays were on the edge, but never that crazy."

On previous occaisions, McGuckin's genius ideas included creating cookies that depicted a suicidal snowman sitting under a hair drier and a little boy gearing up to smoke crystal meth.
These previous displays were left uncensored for some reason.
Are we to gather that while references to anti-semitism in history in cookie form is unacceptable, hard core drug abuse among children and depression and suicide among snowmen are themes that the public should be facing head on by staring at their central themes as manifest in cookie form?

It seems odd that the folk in Oberlin would be upset by something like this seeing as almost half the town are in fact students at a Liberal Arts college but maybe the other half are that extraorindarily attractive type of small town Republican (the kind who tried to outlaw dancing in Footloose) who like to be offended so they lucked out by moving to a small town that is full of art students with an axe to grind.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Patronising black folk in Africa really must be the past time du jour for extravagantly narcissistic bratty child/adults. We've had Pitt and Jolie, Madonna and DiCaprio - now it's Danish artist Kristian von Hornsleth.

von Hornsleth was not only successful in getting press for his exhibition which involved a series of photographs of Ugandan villagers holding up identity cards with his name on them (he persuaded them to change their names to his in return for livestock) he also managed to be accused of being Satanic. All I can say is Bravo.

But it's also important to note that he was deemed Satanic by a man it's safe to assume is an ever virtuous beacon of honesty, James Buturo. Buturo is Uganda's ethics and integrity minister.
It's also safe to assume that Uganda employs an ethics and integrity minister in much the same way Bill O'Reilly features a segment called the "No Spin Zone".

It's hard to really take this any further than it's already taken itself.

A diamond thief in India managed to get himself arrested almost entirely because he was too irritating. After stealing more than a million dollars worth of diamonds from a jewelry store, Divesh Borse made the informed decision to go to a bar and pay hundreds of dollars to ensure that his favourite song be played repeatedly. People were eventually so annoyed by him that they alerted police and he was arrested.

Not only did Mr. Borse push the envelope by being impressively anti-social and annoying on one occaision, he actually went back THREE times and insisted his favourite song be played repeatedly. The first time wasn't enough. The second time was still not quite annoying enough and he understanably needed to hear that song again.

The third time...maybe...oh, yes? Yes, this might be the level of annoyance he was looking for - oops, too bad, you're an idiot and you kept the diamonds on you when you were caught by the police.

How did that happen? He was so close to his clear, rational and understandable goal of being super annoying and getting away with it. If only he hadn't stolen those diamonds and been a total God damned moron.

The ever vigilant and health conscious Government of China has banned ads for a freckle removing gel called "Magic Freckle Removing Gel" because, in trials conducted way too late ie. by customers after they purchased the product, it was ascertained that the gel is deadly to a range of organisms, not just people. The ads featured celebrity endorsements, bogus experts and the claim that the gel would not only remove freckles from humans, that it would also remove spots from fish.

All details aside, the gel not only killed the fish it was put on, it cause severe skin trauma to the people who used it.

Best quote ever: "Not only can it not remove spots, it also has a certain amount of poison," the paper said.

Aside from the obvious total disregard for human health because of mindless greed evident in this story, kudos must go to whoever the Chinese equivalent of Jennilee Harrison was that signed on to promote this one. Way to pay attention to your career choices!

Celebrity Madness

The Cruise Corp. unholy union is solidified in Italy and the locals are frustrated. Particularly one priest who let his distain be known the only way he knew how. While everyone knows the relationship is really just about embellishing Cruise Corp's beard, the actual wedding really was for show - as in, legally. They were already married before this ceremony; Italy doesn't recognise Scientology because it's a bizarre, fraudulent cult. By the time local fan's frustration really sets in, the Cruise Corp. and Holmes dash to the Maldives.

Leonardo di Caprio is working as hard as he can to be seen as a really nice guy. First he offers to take a bullet, next he jumps on the "buy a kid from Africa" bandwagon by offering money to an orphanage and supporting a young girl he "connected with" (after picking her out of a catalogue while in a hotel suite in Paris, no doubt). Still, he was the first GUY to do it - some attention should be paid.

Despite attempts to prove otherwise by what appears to be basically the entire universe, Rachel Ray may really actually just be a very happy married girl despite those dirty spitting hooker rumours that surfaced last week.

Jaws drop and eyes remain frozen open in a shock that rivals the reaction to OJ Simpson's television confession when Michael Richards (Kramer from Seinfeld) delivers an unbridled racist tyraid to his audience at the Laugh Factory. Click here for actual footage but brace yourself. It's severe.