The Reluctant Whore

Week #45 In Review

This piece was presented on D List Radio for the show dated November 11, 2006

If there’s one thing that came out of the past week, it was the knowledge that despite the Democrats regaining control of the House and the Senate in a way not seen in 12 years, the American people hate Kevin Federline more than they hate sadness and failure. Which is more or less what the Fed Ex embodies anyway so maybe that explains it. But while Britney trumped the hell out of her husband when she dumped him by text message it was revealed this week that a judge threw out her lawsuit against Us Weekly where she claimed defamation because of the release of a sex tape. The judge ruled that it wasn’t possible for her hypersexed image to be slimed any more by published rumours that she and her husband made a sex videotape and dismissed the case.
Oscar-Winning actor Jack Palance died this week and so did Donald Rumsfeld’s involvement with the Iraq War when he was fired, Russia banned the Borat film, Ted Haggard began ex-gay therapy and Ryan Phillippe said that he’s not as bad as the media makes him out to be.
But these were the stories making visible headlines so why should we endlessly talk about them when we could talk about the following stories that weren’t so visible but nonetheless happened during this, the 45th week of 2006.
Prisons across the England this week announced that they will be repainting their fences green - so inmates don't feel "trapped." Prison bosses say the old white or grey fences make criminals feel claustrophobic which is of course the last thing you’d want with a prison.

And following in the theme of genius decisions - a German woman this week received a letter DEMANDING that her tiny almost entirely blind Pekingese dog report for military examination with his ID card and a pair of swimming shorts. Apart from it being essentially inane to request that a blind Pekingese dog turn up for military service, the dog has been dead since 2002.
And while the German army was busy trying to enlist blind dead Pekingese dogs, Italian Police were busy banning art. A toilet that flushed to the tune of the national anthem was on display at the Bolzano Museum of Modern Art until police confiscated it stating that the national anthem should be protected.
Meanwhile, in India, transsexuals and eunuchs were being contracted en masse this week to stand outside businesses with outstanding tax bills and shriek until the business owners caved in and paid. The team of shrieking gender morphed collection agents netted around 7500 dollars on Wednesday.
To deal with an outbreak of rabies, Beijing this week came up with the sequel to its infamous One Child Policy by announcing it now has a one DOG policy. The announcement comes coincidentally in the same week that it was discovered that 60 million Chinese people are obese – making them as fat as the newly fat French. Perhaps there’s more behind this one dog policy than simply combating an outbreak of rabies.

But It’s restaurants in Arizona like the comfortingly named Heart Attack Grill that have more or less made it their mission to ensure that the US will always be number one at least when it comes to unnecessary flab. The Heart Attack Grill this week launched its masterpiece dish entitled The Quadruple Bypass Burger which contains 4 slabs of beef and weighs in at about 8000 calories – 4 times a healthy day’s caloric intake in just one easy nauseating borderline physically abusive meal.
A family from Toledo Ohio announced that they are suing Greyhound buses this week after they were showered with gallon after gallon of shit and urine that poured from the back of a greyhound tour bus through their car’s sunroof while on their way home from a Mother’s Day Lunch earlier this year. They are distressed that they simply can’t get the smell out of their car.
And speaking of not being able to get the dirt off, women in Waukesha, Wisconsin this week complained of feeling exploited by a man who had been pretending to see bugs on them in order to convince them to get naked for him. And the thing is, he’s still out there – which makes me wonder if Benny Hill really is dead. Again.

Men with odd habits were certainly not confined to the US this week though, amazingly, as it was revealed that 42 year old Luis Squarisi has attended every single funeral in his home town of Batatais for the past 20 years. Ever since his father’s death he just can’t seem to get enough of them. Now, for the people in Batatais, a funeral just doesn’t feel right unless he’s there. Watching.
And finally, in a week of PR blitzing by the good folk at the Guinness World Records Organisation, groups of people from around the world who clearly lack purpose this week staged events designed to break world records. Records attempted included the most people kissing at once in the same place, the most amount of rattle snakes stuffed into one mouth, the longest chain of bras, the most people drinking green tea at once and the most pair of underwear put on in one minute.
In reference to the underwear competition, one record adjudicator offered the insight that “The hardest part is not falling over.”

And you know what? For these people it sure is.