The Reluctant Whore

Celebrity Madness
Michael Jackson only gets through a portion of "We Are The World" at the World Music Awards in the UK. Maybe he's exhausted from being chased by his drag queen stalker.

Rachel Ray's grating yet impermeable smile and mind numbingly perky disposition is put to the test when it is revealed that her husband allegedly paid a hooker to spit and wipe her feet on his face.

Cruise Corp., Katie Holmes, the baby and Connor (remember the black adopted kid? The really freaky part is that he's old enough to essentially guage and remember what's going on now: welcome to therapy forever) are in Italy for the wedding. The celebrities trickle in; Brooke Shields arrives but no Oprah. Maybe the invites are allocated as compensation for having to deal with Cruise Corp's insane bi-polar personality and are distributed on a sliding scale. For example, if Cruise Corp. publically attacks your credibility and insults your career progression you get invited because that's worse than, say, if he simply goes ape shit on on your TV show couch . Because you know, there are only so many invites to go round.

George Clooney is voted People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 2006.

In what has to be one of the most shameless and nauseating ploys for attention, OJ brings up the murder again by releasing a book and TV interview within which he explains what he would have done if he had committed the murders for which he was acquitted. Just hypothetically of course. Most horrifying television/book idea ever.