Friday, August 31, 2007

Week #35 in Review

After a drought in the US when it comes to conservative politicians being outted, Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho picked up the slack when it was reported that he was arrested earlier this year in a Missouri airport for soliciting an under cover cop. He went on to plead guilty and by the end of the week it was expected that he would resign.

Popwreck Britney Spears was rumoured to have been working on a comeback performance for the MTV VMAs with illusionist Criss Angel which she hoped would be “shocking” while it was revealed through an SPCA investigation that Britney’s dog broke its leg because someone accidentally stepped on it and that no harm was caused through negligence. The same could not necessarily be said for Britney’s children as the LA Country Department of Children and Family Services began an investigation into the treatment of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Despite the investigation into her behavior, Britney still managed to go out in public wearing what looked like a long t-shirt and no pants at all, run out of gas while driving her car, get a parking ticket and, if a radio interview with music producer Ne Yo is to be believed, skip out on recording 6-8 songs he wrote for her for no apparent reason.

Regardless of this chronic failure to function as an adult, Madonna still saw fit to more or less channel and appropriate Britney’s aesthetic in a track that was leaked to a DJ which sounded eerily similar to Britney’s past hit, “Toxic”. Ok! Magazine also decided to auction off the Versace gown Britney stained with mustard while attending the photo shoot she never quite got through earlier this year. By Friday afternoon bidding was at $US1550 and it was also revealed that despite not working, Britney brings in about $US700,000 a month in residuals and interest.
The parents of performer Amy Winehouse called for the public to not buy Amy’s recordings in a plea to halt the rewarding of her self negating behavior, the competition between rappers Kanye West and Fitty Cent may not actually be over as previously reported, musician James Blunt was busy scoring with supermodels and Nick Hogan, son of Hulk, crashed his viper critically injuring a US Marine who had just returned from his second tour of Iraq.

New York Magazine wrote a story about how much former N’Sync band member Lance Bass hates New York City despite having just moved here and Bass shot back a response that stated he was misquoted, Rolling Stone musician Keith Richards ate a cigarette on stage in the UK because smoking was not allowed in the stadium within which he was playing and Miss Teen USA competitor Caitlin Upton answered a question about education on camera and made essentially no sense and then spent the rest of the week making up for it and getting press.

Blogger Perez Hilton reported that Fidel Castro was dead and the rest of the media speculated and waited for confirmation from the Cuban government. A day after he was reported dead, an editorial apparently written by Castro appeared in a youth oriented Cuban publication, actor Owen Wilson attempted suicide by cutting his wrists, Anna Nicole Smith’s ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead threatened to sue Ok! Magazine if it published information about his legal past regarding his daughter Dannilyn and Barnes and Noble announced that, contrary to their original decision, they would now be stocking the OJ Simpson book, “If I Did It” but they would not be promoting it.

Only weeks after he finally became fit to play after an injury, soccer star David Beckham was struck with another injury ruling him out of play for the next 6 weeks, Tom Cruise said that he respects Germany and that he wants to think positively about the film he is making about Colonel Claus Graf Schenk, the man who attempted to assassinate Hitler.
While they were never entirely substantiated beyond mere speculation, rumours circulated that Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator, Joss Whedon was keen to hire Pete Doherty to play a zombie in his new BBC funded spin-off of the original Buffy series and that Prince William had secretly married long time girlfriend Kate Middleton while they were vacationing in the Seychelles.

In numbers and records news, Damien Hirst’s platinum and diamond skull sculpture was sold for 50 million pounds, sprinter Tyson Gay became the fastest man on earth by running the 200 meters in 19.65 seconds and New York real estate personality Leona Helmsley died leaving the majority of her fortune to charity but most notably, 12 million dollars to her dog, Trouble.

In further US based news, a 17 year old computer wiz from New Jersey finally managed to hack into the iPhone and reconfigure it so it could be used with providers other than AT and T and for doing that he was rewarded with 3 more iPhones and a car, Burning Man attendee Paul David Addis set fire to the tall wooden man effigy way ahead of schedule with fireworks and was promptly arrested, three men in Missouri attempted to rob a corner store by having one of them hula dance naked in front of the cashier while the other two grabbed the beer but they were caught on tape and arrested and a high school principal in Colorado banned the game of tag explaining that she felt ii “promoted conflict”. In Mexico, drug smugglers attempted to bypass sniffer dogs by kidnapping one of them and replacing it with a regular dog that looked nothing like the original.

In Europe and the UK, a bar in London has decided to sell vodka based on its performance in the stock market and as such the price and amount of vodka for each drink will constantly vary and a 19 year old man was arrested in Austria for essentially eating his 49 year old room mate after killing him.
In Asia, an exhibition of 30 historical toilets in Hong Kong featuring a urinal designed for use by women was on display and exhibition visitors were urged to try it out, Japanese rice cracker manufacturers released a new line of crackers that contain visible pieces of wasp, and in China, Shaolin Temple Monks demanded that one internet blogger deliver an apology for stating falsely that a Japanese ninja had defeated the Shaolin Kung Fu masters at some point while the Chinese government clamped down on Chinese menu items and as a result “Virgin Chicken” is no longer a potential meal in China.

In New Zealand, a thief broke into a home and stole several items only to return them all with an apologetic note later that day.

“I have never written truer words when I say that I wish that I had never done this to you and your family,” the note read. “From the bottom of my heart I am sorry.”
Today in Extraordinarily Odd
Just when you think inane, shrill, suburban parents who have nothing else to live for but petty procedure and soul destroying denial have been defeated once and for all, another thing in the playground gets banned. The game of tag was banned at a school in Colorado because it apparently “promoted conflict”. What certainly doesn’t “promote conflict” though is overbearing rules and regulations on kids who were really just playing the playground. It’s time now for us to say hello to most of tomorrow’s serial killers. [source]
As part of their attempt to ready the metropolis of Beijing for the Olympics next year, the Chinese government are cracking down on all sorts of vastly important crap. One things they’ve done is overhauled menus in China that feature dishes such as “Virgin Chicken” and, in doing so, they’ve probably hobbled the industry surrounding pederast sex tours of Asia which, admittedly is a good thing. I, however, still can’t get over the fact that they have banned crispy duck at public toilets. Why? WHY? The person who invented that was a hero. He was a true global hero and now his work is gone forever. [source]
The Shaolin Temple in China has demanded an apology from some random internet user who claimed that the kung fu masters had been beaten by a Japanese ninja once. Because that’s really important. It’s really important what one 14 year old computer nerd from wherever the hell he’s from says about a martial arts group that has been around since 495 AD. But who knows why they are on this war path. Maybe they’re simply gearing up for a publicity campaign a la Mel B or Kim Cattrall where any publicity is good publicity. [source]
A thief in New Zealand stole several items from a home and then, later in the day returned them all with an apology for having stolen from them:
"I have never written truer words when I say that I wish that I had never done this to you and your family," the note read. "From the bottom of my heart I am sorry."
Look, that’s all very well in terms of it being a heart warming story of angst avoided but can we just stop and think about what a pathetic failure of a thief he is? I mean, what a failure. I bet he’s something really passive in every day life. Like a basket weaver or a plastic plant designer. God, I need a martini. [source]
Alright, so here’s a rapid fire celeb roundup, judgmentalness included:

Barnes and Noble are now going to stock If I Did It, the book sort of by and about O J Simpson because their customers want it. They’re going to stock it after saying they wouldn’t however, they aren’t going to promote it at all. Hi, you’re a business not a moralist outpost. Just sell the damned literary travesty. It’ll be dug up in a thousand years and people will see it and they will see the point at which Western Culture started to eat itself. It’ll be a service to historians to have something that clear to refer to. [source]

Larry Birkhead is threatening to sue Ok! Magazine if they print tarnishing details about his life with Danniylyn, the kid. The meal ticket. She’s 1 year old and so the gossip rags are squabbling over who will get to portray her and essentially buy her innocence to sell magazines. As Ok! is the pleasant, friendly aunt of gossip rags it’s probably hard for Birkhead to threaten to sue them. Particularly when they’re the ones funding Birkhead’s lifestyle right now. [source]

David Beckham has been injured again and will have to sit out 6 weeks worth of Galaxy matches. At least last time it was a toss up as to whether he’d actually play. This time, it’s guaranteed that the 50 million dollar player won’t be anywhere so why the hell would anyone turn up? Still, at least Beckham has a tastefully decorated home with gold taps that are encrusted with jewels to calm him torn up legs and soul. That and his easy going, natural looking wife. [source]

Tom Cruise is hammering out the “I respect Germany” routine again presumably so they’ll put aside their rational distain for him and actually go and see his film and eventually let him recruit disciples while in Germany. "I want to think positive and concentrate on the film," the actor says in Bunte Magazine, Germany. "I carry a great responsibility to the Germans, for whom a man like [Colonel Claus Graf Schenk von] Stauffenberg means so much." . It’s astonishing how brazen he is but that’s what you get when you have lost every basic link to reality and you are a narcissistic control freak. [source]

Ok, so the rumour is that Prince William secretly got married in the Seychelles. Sure, why not. Check out the photo above. How can someone as hot as Prince William used to be end up so tired and used up looking. Did he take classes? Harry is totally winning now and he’s probably not even really Charles’ son, yeah, he's probably just a commoner and yet he's way hotter. That brings into question nearly everything about the monarchy for me. Everything. If non-royals can be hotter than royals then what next? Crazy.

Regardless, I’m not really sure if there’s nothing REALLY going on that’s new or whether there is but the same old same old analysis is applicable so consequently, it seems like it’s all been said and done and done and done to death. If there is nothing at all going on and the media are jus sitting back having a fun time throwing pieces of Extra at the tied up intern in the chair then that would explain why the rumour that Prince William secretly got married to Kate Middleton while vacationing in the Seychelles is currently doing the rounds.

Do we really need to go into the fact that the Royal family are some of the most anally retentive control freaks ever – with the exception of maybe the Chinese government and therefore it’s simply not possible for this to have happened? I mean, the outrage among the staggeringly important Royal Correspondent circles in Britain alone would be enough to cause some kind of earthquake or ground opening up and swallowing people-type travesty. Royal watchers must never be messed with. They have starving monsters of need in them even larger than Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan does only they lack the realization to ever tame them and what’s more those monsters rarely eat.

Still – a royal marriage rumour is better than some bullshit filler about god damned Spencer Ass Rape Deserving Pratt. [source]
OK! Magazine is like the nice friendly mothering aunt type neighbor of all the celebrity magazines That’s their angle when getting to the celebrities they obsess over. They bought up the racy shots of Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo in Mexico a while back to prevent them from being published by any other magazine and so they could show Lachey and any other celebrities who happened to be watching that they were always going to play nice.

It’s an angle, why not be nice when everyone else is cut throat and hate filled? It helps them stand out.

So, now – as part of their niceness spree – they’re selling one of the gowns Britney Spears violated with stains from her rancid assed white trash greasy food during the meltdown of a photoshoot that failed miserably and they’re donating the money raised to Mothers Against Drink Driving.

Oh, excellent. What a nauseatingly charming thing to do.

Apparently, it’s a Versace gown with mustard stains on it. First reports said it was Chanel and then it was Zac Posen with chicken grease. The chicken grease then became the reliable part. Now it’s Versace and apparently the stain is mustard. Is it possible that Britney wrecked not one but two or even three designer gowns that day? Why is it that we have really only ever heard about the Versace gown now? And the mustard? I mean, what the hell is going on?

All that saccharine goodwill from OK doesn’t mean squat if I don’t know how many freaking stained and wrecked gowns there were from the get go. The only reason I’m even thinking about this is because Britney’s insane behavior is sort of validating for me seeing as I’ve never wiped up chicken grease with a Zac Posen gown and therefore I feel superior. Why hold back?

Having said that, bidding isn’t too high for the wrecked celebrity gown (especially in a world where mindless freaks pay shitloads and also trek to find grilled cheese sandwiches that have the face of the Virgin Mary in them so if you want a Versace dress with only minor horror weaved into it then get moving. Just have the thing dry cleaned and be the belle of the ball. Sooner or later though, it’ll be up there around the same amount as a real Versace gown so buying a new one will actually end up saving you 20 dollars postage and dry cleaning. It’s a toss up. [source]
Britney is rich despite not working and being insane and this is a surprise, how?

The Daily Mail in the UK reports that details of Britney’s income have been leaked thanks to the child custody battle between her and K-Fed. She makes over $700,000 a month in residuals and income from her perfumes and whatever the hell else she stamped her squeaky name to before “the unpleasantness” began and yet she appears to do nothing but eat and fall over all day.

The funny thing about this is that while people might be surprised at how much she rakes in when all she seems to do is hemorrhage cash, drop her kids on the cement as she lights cigarettes and detangles the rib bones from her melted on hair while lying around hotel pools drunk and naked, you have to remember that the only reason she really IS completely insane is because up until last year, she was actually an essentially successful example of someone who has played the game from an early age.
She was sort of like those freakishly controlled North Vietnamese children who are able to stand very very still and smile without flinching – the ones who look like dolls. She was able to control every aspect of her public persona and she also allowed corporate executives to form her into a product it was virtually impossible to dislike based on probably some of the most detailed and expensive market research ever conducted. Britney signed her name in all the right places and now she’s a functioning product that even a meltdown, shaved head, total sexual disclosure, childbirth, a deadweight white trash moocher for a husband and destroyed innocence can’t unravel. It’s the tradeoff.
You have to become a doll but even if you have a breakdown you can still essentially rake in the dough without doing anything. It’s sort of the American dream. [source]
Whoops! I spoke too soon re. the reconciliation between Fitty Cent and Kanye West but it’s not my fault
It’s the fault of the New York Post. Fitty is still on the war path, hammering out the tired old angry bully line as he continues to drum up desperately needed attention by saying Kanye West is not as good as him. He started in with the party line again on San Diego Radio, Perez is reporting. Because this is high school, never forget that.

Does it ever strike anyone as odd that in every single culture nearly every type of musician and artist is usually a sensitive, more or less emotionally aware person and yet when it comes to rap, they’re all hyper macho gangsters? All of a sudden it’s different with rap.

Oh, let’s be fair – this whole mindless challenge crap is good. It was a day of soul crushing disappointment when the Post reported that they had dropped the challenge.

Now, it’s confirmed that we DO get to experience the nail biting hype infested, life affirming anxiety that comes with wondering if we’ll ever get to hear Fitty stand on his own and rap about status anxiety and getting shot. If Fitty Cent isn’t there to brave the oft ignore subject matter of bitches and cars and the club and getting shot and all the rest of that crap then who will stand up and tell it like it is? Julie Andrews?
The New York Post reported recently that the two of them had brought a halt to the challenge that Fitty Cent seems to have invented to promote himself whereby he has promised to stop performing solo work if he sells less records than West does when their albums drop at the same time on Sept 11. The halt occurred when the two were seen drinking shots of vodka and parading around some club somewhere. In hyped up rapper ego land, that’s the equivalent of diplomatic discussion. It’s very complex because so much is riding on it.
This whole thing comes from the Bobby Trendy, Spencer Pratt school of self promotion where it doesn’t matter what you say as long as you’re saying something and as long as it’s bullying someone. It’s addictive in the same mesmerizingly cheap way that cans of frosting at midnight and Beyonce are addictive.
Still, I’m totally in. There’s nothing like seeing an inflated hip hop ego get stamped on. Particularly one that wears bullet holes like university degrees. [source]

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Tyson Gay the sprinter as opposed to say, a playground taunting name that Tyson Bickford may have suffered through being called, has won the title of fastest man on earth after he won the 100 meters and 200 meters, each in record time and within 36 hours of each other. One question really remains though; what is he actually running from? Could it be time, Mr. Gay, to turn and face your demons? You may be good at it but, for the sake of your happiness, stop running. [source]

I was beginning to think that the Germans and Austrians were going soft. There have been no stories about weird fecal sex, contemporary Nazism, nudist colonies or somehow managing to insist that bondage be a part of everyday life at all recently. Except now. A 19 year old man in Austria was arrested after he was found next to the mutilated body of his 49 year old room mate. He had blood all over his mouth and he had put some of the organs on a plate in the next room. Yes, I think that pretty much makes up for any lack of European weirdness in the last few weeks. [source]

Always with a finger on the pulse of what is going on and indeed, what people want, Japanese rice cracker manufacturers have FINALLY decided to infuse the spicy essence of wasp into their crackers. That way you can eat a smashed, poisonous insect at the same time as standing around at a party and who hasn’t wanted to do that forever. I mean, certainly not me. I finally feel able to do what I’ve always wanted to do and that is eat a freaking wasp with guacamole. [source]

Three men in Missouri hatched a genius plot to steal some beer and when I say genius I mean GENIUS. One man walked into the store naked and hula danced while the other two tip toed (probably) to the fridge and stole beer. They were caught later on when the police identified the car through the license plate. Those guys would have been so excited and validated by the fact that they got that beer and then BANG, three days later it all came crashing down. Where did they go wrong? It’s actually more or less impossible to tell. Still, this is what teenagers do for beer because they're not allowed to drink it until they've been voting for three years.[source]

That platinum and diamond encrusted skull that Damien Hirst made has just sold for 50 million pounds. It cost 14 million to make. That means, that simply because Damien Hirst’s aura has been projected upon that skull, it has more than tripled in value. Damien Hirst must be some kind of deity. Just like a rockstar/deity, he is planning on taking the skull on a tour around the world even though it’s been sold which means that everyone will get to marvel in the inanimate object that contains the aura of Damien Hirst. The great thing about it is that there’s no way anyone could steal it no matter how much it is worth. How would anyone get THAT past customs anywhere? You certainly couldn’t wrap it up and give it to someone. They’d know you stole it! From God.[source]
Oh quick everyone. Strap your faces in and take a valium – Britney Spears isn’t actually completely out of the game yetSure, she may have inspired multiple government organizations to investigate her life and her actions may, by default, actually make K-Fed look like a saint but she’s not done yet.

The symbolic transformation of Britney has already begun too. Last week she cut off the dark extensions, opting for her natural style – one that proved reminiscent of an early 80s lesbian suburban public school teacher – but then she quickly stapled in some blonde extensions hinting, if you will, to the prospect of her reincarnation as…of all things…her former self. Err, yes.

So, now Us Magazine is reporting that she’s definitely planning a comeback that actually has to do with solid career based results as well as hair based symbolism and is working with professional star fucker, aging emo wannabe Criss Angel on an act for the MTV Awards.

There are two really fascinating components of this report.

The first is obviously:

“She’s planning it to be a big comeback performance,” says a Spears insider, who adds that the goal is to make it “shocking.”

What could be so “shocking” that it would firstly, warrant an appearance at the MTV VMAs and secondly, top the already shocking (often nauseatingly shocking) details that make up her daily routine? I mean, many many people are flat out exhausted from shock at the mere evolution of her hair let alone the relentless flashing of gash for cash. What has she got left to give?


Unless, Criss Angel is really a decoy and she’s actually working with Tom Stoppard for the VMAs. Yes, that would make sense. That way she could quarantine the insanity of her last 12 months by saying it was all a commentary of society’s narcissism.

OR she could walk out and have a screaming fit and fall on the ground and vomit up blood on stage. I suppose that would be shocking. Mind you, it’d really only be shocking to the children watching to see their idol give them hope. They’d be traumatized but no one else would really even hiccup. No, short of a suicide attempt on air, there’s pretty much nothing left – besides technical precision – that Britney could come up with.

Another great thing included in the “teaser” from Us was the description of ideas that didn’t make the cut:

Performing “My Prerogative” amid a medley of hits, as images of exes Justin Timberlake, 26, and Kevin Federline, 29, and other gossip fodder flashed on a screen behind her.

Because like…those were her exes and they, like, broke her heart. Wow, that idea has about the same amount of artistic maturity as something a suburban teenaged pot smoker would come up with. Excellent. I am truly shocked by that idea though. I mean, I always thought Britney had the emotional maturity of a 14 year old from the rural south. That’s the same as a slow 8 year old who was born in Manhattan. Yet, here we see her coming up with ideas an angsty, awkward teenager might consider viable. That IS shocking. [source]
Nick Hogan, Hulk’s son is now the worst person in the worldVarious people have come and gone since K-Fed divorced Britney and he was Satan.

Remember that? When everyone hated K-Fed for being a freeloading ass and Britney, the child of purity was finally free? Yeah, those were good times.

But, it’s no longer K-Fed. Now it’s Nick Hogan.

After driving with reckless abandon this week Hogan crashed his Viper and was put in hospital. He got off more or less unscathed but the guy in the car next to him, his friend John Graziano was not only hurt badly and is still in critical condition. So far, there’s celebrity brat kid in vastly expensive car driving with no reference to the road rules. In a post-Lohan, post-Hilton, post-Ritchie world, the public not only hate it when rich kids speed they are more self righteous about motoring violations as a way of trapping the celebrities they live vicariously through than ever before. So, great work there Nick Hogan. Get done for speeding and crashing your car and hurting someone. Perfect time to do it.

Secondly, it was then reported that John Graziano is not only a US Marine, he’s also an Iraq War veteran who had just returned from his second tour of duty. US Marine, Iraq War, Tour of Duty, SECOND Tour of Duty. It just keeps getting worse. If Nick Hogan were a Democratic presidential nominee, Republicans could basically just take a holiday at this point and come back in a week having let it play out to their advantage. There’s literally no way it could get any worse for Nick Hogan. Short of pederasty and animal abuse there’s nothing more hate mustering than when you maim a US Marine who has been in Iraq twice. The troops are America’s untouchable, national vein of guilt – sort of like childbirth is for hysterical Jewish mothers. You simply can’t argue with people about supporting the troops – it’s a defense mechanism manipulative Republicans use to halt arguments for a reason. It works. Unless you’re Joel Stein in which case you’re just a smug reactionary moron.

So, yeah – Nick Hogan is pretty much the new Satan. He’s an entitled rich brat who screwed up a US Marine’s life.

Oops! It gets worse!

TMZ reports today that Nick Hogan did an interview a while back for Rides Magazine where he bragged about getting let off for speeding in his car because of his sub-celebrity status and he also talked about how his car gets him laid. Way to GO! And this interview will hit news stands right smack bang in the middle of the horror. Actually, maybe really ramming it home that he’s a spoilt brat will endear people to him. He should ask Spencer Pratt to manage him from now on. They could become an endless spiraling pit of annoying.
K-Fed should really send him Hogan a muffin basket. [source] [source]
James Blunt gets laid a lot and many of the people he sleeps with are supermodels
What an extraordinarily important piece of news the New York Post has just run. Excellent work, New York Post. Who’s James Blunt schtupping at the moment? German mannequin Tatiana Patitz. Who’s she? Oh GOD, who gives a shit.

The most interesting part about James Blunt is the fact that he’s still anywhere at all – most notably at the moment – on Page 6 of the New York Post today. Sure he had that schmaltzy song a while back about not seeing someone ever again after seeing them on the train etc. and sure, in the music video he sat there and took off all his clothes – except, of course, for his pants. Yeah, we all had a good laugh about that and he does have a strangely angelic looking face and his voice is sort of ethereal.
The trouble is, after one or two replays of James Blunt, his voice sounds like what it tastes like to drink too much Bailey’s Irish Cream. It’s alright in the beginning and you’re kind of marveling at it but then eventually it starts to spiral out of control and the enjoyment plunges desperately low until it tastes like parmesan cheese and my God, you just want to get out of there at all costs because it was meant to be kind of dessert like.
Plus, why the hell does he have a freaking beard? Why is it that pretty guys go and do something stupid like grow a beard? It’s like they want to abandon the fact that they’re pretty and go in the other direction and try and look like a lumberjack.
Ok, James Blunt – you’ve just got to do something about everything. Shave off that beard and, I don’t know, try and do something less annoying next time. [source]

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Seems like someone got a little excited at the Burning Man Festival in Nevada and set fire to the huge wooden effigy of a man that was meant to be burnt on Saturday. Seeing as this man, one Paul David Addis who incidentally was arrested and posted $25,632 bail (how the hell did they come up with THAT amount?) decided to ruin it for everyone the only real way to deal with this and to teach him a severe lesson is to appoint Mr. Addis as the fill-in man and burn him alive. How else will he learn to stick to deadlines and not to meddle? He won’t anyway I suspect because judging by his photo; he’s a meddler at heart. You can tell because of the glint. There’s a glint meddlers have. [source]

There are literally several ways to enjoy an exhibition of toilets in Hong Kong that shows examples of around 30 toilets from the past few years and one of those is by trying out a newly designed urinal for women. The Hong Kong Toilet Association, of which there are actual members, is trying to assess whether or not the new female urinal is something women would take to and you know, seeing as there has not really been a need for a female urinal due, at least in no small part to the physical design of the female form, it’s good that this is being pioneered. There’s no time like the present to offload unnecessary products onto the general public and no better place than consumer mad Asia. [source]

Real Estate Developer, Leona Helmsley who recently died has left 12 million dollars to her dog. Judging by her enchanting photographs, Leona Helmsley always seemed like an entirely lovely and easy to be with woman. Sure, every photo of her radiates a pretty gnarled soul and then there are those stories of her encouraging her dog, Trouble, to bite her staff but those eyebrows and sensuous lips scream softness and emotional desperation. It’s also good that a dog has 12 million dollars and that sooner or later some freak will be hired to guard that god. What a gig, you just stand there and watch a Maltese Terrier act out. I wonder if the position includes healthcare. Just to recap: woman in New York has given 12 million dollars to her dog. Excellent. [source]

Western culture appears to be at a crossroads when it comes to Amy Winehouse.

On one hand her parents are calling for people to not buy her album or to support her nomination for MTV awards because they claim it only rewards her addiction based, off the rails behavior which is fair enough. Although, one could assume that her crippling emotional pain and damage urges her on as much as the public’s embracing of her extraordinarily self negating behavior.

America’s brand of pop culture doesn’t discern between good and bad when it comes to celebrity behavior; only who is more grotesque and fascinating to gawk at. Consequently, with her critically acclaimed album AND her public, blood soaked brawling – it’s all on the way up. That’s also how the vultures at MTV see it.

MTV asked Spears, Lohan and Hilton to show up and take home awards for being the most newsworthy characters over the past year. All declined probably because they want to emphasize the work. That in itself is astonishing because the main work of Spears, Lohan and Hilton isn’t their acting or singing, it’s the chaos of their lives. Sort of like Anderson Cooper. He’s a journalist; sure. He is, much more than that, a cute, repressed homosexual, New York City heir. The down side to simply embracing that part of themselves is that, you know, they’ll die soon if they don’t get it under control.

Dying did wonders for Anna Nicole Smith’s career but then, she actually had to die so she probably can’t use the royalties which is a shame. That’s the catch of the whole “death for publicity thing”. You die.

On the other hand, like Britney, Lohan and Hilton – Winehouse’s little dance with the devil of addiction in the pale moonlight of publicity has brought her enormous marketability. She sings about not wanting to go to rehab and she really doesn’t want to go despite authentically needing to. In a culture where “rehab” is just the contemporary equivalent of confession that takes some real doing.

Along with this conscience driven tug of war between the good and the bad that Winehouse is going through, there’s a physical metaphor for it in her actual life. According to an interview given by Amy Winehouse’s parents, Winehouse’s husband’s parents hang out at the pub with them. Good vs Evil. Disapproving Parents vs. Enabling Parents. MTV and a career vs. a stint away from the spotlight.
It’s just so hard these days. [source]
Pete Doherty is actually a contender for legitimate work

Joss Whedon is producing a new Buffy the Vampire Slayer spin-off and he wants Pete Doherty to play a zombie which is, of course, fine and makes sense. Even the photo aobve means he would save money on the latex makeup they use. Look at his stomach for example. It looks like a bottom lip. He's a two mouthed beast of some kind.

Joss Whedon said:

“Pete seemed the obvious choice, with his love of the macabre. The blood paintings and the self-styled night creature existence are perfect. “
Pete’s ability to actually inflict the macabre on people who come within a mile radius of him might also make him the perfect choice too. It would make him the perfect choice in helping Joss Whedon indulge his clearly desperate need to abuse and annoy himself. He must have a desperate need to annoy himself if he’s thinking of hiring a man who has almost been and actually been arrested so many times for drug use it’s now simply a tallying process for those keeping score at home. Doherty gave his cat cocaine. What part of that says, "will turn up to work and not trash set - daily".

In fact, just the entire notion of actually hiring Pete Doherty to do anything is preposterous.
Unless, ah yes…it just came to me. Unless he were hired as a goodwill ambassador for children in some war torn land. Just like Angelina Jolie. It would be wise and prudent to send him among disadvantaged children and let him simply behave as he pleases. There’s nothing that could go wrong with having Pete Doherty in charge of the fate of many many children. Pete Doherty could become their god. He is already somewhat of a God in the West anyway. Pete Doherty might very well be the Western God of Perfection. He walks among us evading conviction through sheer purity. Kate Moss is a fool for having ex-communicated him.
Incidentally, no one has actually established if the Babyshambles actually rehearse.
Right, so basically the writers at TMZ are rapidly descending into a chasm of Britney Spears induced insanity

This morning at 10:37am TMZ posted about how Brit was driving her car, she ran out of gas and then the police had to push the car so that it wasn’t in the firing line of other traffic. Riveting stuff. Who knew there was actually no limit to Britney’s inability to function. For the most part, her endless succession of faux pas capers seem to be generally anchored in large daily things like shopping or fashion or taking off her clothes to jump in the water unannounced on the side of the road with the press in toe. It’s never something as tiny as whether or not she has gas in her car.
Oh, who am I kidding this isn’t a shock revelation. If anything, it’s a constant surprise she can actually drive. But regardless, TMZ started the day off with that.

They then moved into a post about how songwriter Ne Yo went on air with Ryan Seacrest to talk about how Britney basically checked out of recording 8 songs he wrote for her – no news there either really. According to sources in an item on Page 6 last week regarding her appearance at the MTV Music awards she’s under the impression she’s already completed recording new songs with Justin Timberlake and she hasn’t even started.
So then, it seems, the writer covering Britney for TMZ just basically lost their mind and wrote an entire post in hyper-Brit speak. It’s a wonder that a breakdown has taken this long. How the hell long are you supposed to cover this inane mess before you become one yourself? Less than a year, it seems.
It’s important to note that the entire post was written in this hyped up Britney vernacular. Best quote:

Love me this green pockerbook -- it's so gigoontic. Oh, heckers, ding dang! I still got Jayden's pooty diaper in thar! Shoot! PeeeeAeeeeeee U! Oh, hell, Sean's diaper's in thar too! I'll just buy me some perfume in here! I better text nanny and see what the boo boos are havin' fer vittles. Might have to git some drive thru on the way home! Ding dang! Yup, I lurrrrv it!

I mean, half of those aren’t even words. It’s extraordinary work. This last post was written based entirely on a photo of Brit wearing her crap cowboy boots and what looks like a cheap stretched t shirt and no underwear. You can just see the writer, wide eyed, caffeinated and twitching both at the repetitive nature of the story and the fact that they have to come up with a new god damned angle. Head banging on the desk trying to make it all stop.

Of course, the trouble with car wrecks is that they don’t go away if you stop looking at them, they get more gruesome and as such, you HAVE to look to keep them under control.

Imagine if TMZ stopped reporting on Britney? She’d probably run for public office and then where would we be because California would elect her pope they’re so celebrity mad. [source] [source] [source]

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A bar in London has launched a genius new way to make paying for drinks so much more fun; they’re altering the price for a drink as the stock market fluctuates. Is this the hard drinking banker nerd equivalent of a computer game freak wearing Mr. Spock ears and saying things like “Greetings and Salutations” to people at parties? Assuming they’re invited? Imagine the excitement of an evening spent in a bar where everyone sits in quiet suspense waiting to find out the bill! An added bonus is that you also might not get the same amount of vodka in each drink each time. Why not just go the whole distance and kick people in the face and then steal from them and leave their bloodied broken body in the street to be eaten by rats and then call it a theme night. Sounds like a riot. People would probably pay to line up. [source]

As you’d expect, a 17 year old from New Jersey has hacked into the iPhone and figured out how to make it available to other network providers. That means that if you actually spent 500 dollar on the thing, there’s now technically a way you can use it without being forced to become an AT and T customer. Why is this interesting? It’s not really, I just find it interesting that 17 year olds are always the ones who do crap like this. This is the way you develop when you play a lot of video games as a child. You progress and progress until you’re a hacker waging war on the world for not making you good at sports and for making puberty so much more difficult than it really needed to be. Even though he looks like a crap version of Frodo Baggins, he’s got good skin though, I’ll give him that. And he could get work in Czech porn if he wanted. Plus, he’s also got a car as a prize for successfully hacking into the iPhone. Because that’s how it works in America. You hack a phone, you get a car. And three other phones. If you can figure out how to make “I can’t believe it’s not butter” in your very own kitchen you get a free pachyderm. It’s in the Constitution. [source]

Some crafty drug smugglers in Mexico managed to kidnap a sniffer dog and replace it with one of their own so they could potentially get more coke past customs. The plan was that their own dog, a small black mongrel puppy who, due to his largely unmarketable aesthetic became a master of disguise and part time magician, would immediately set himself up in the customs lounge wearing a red silk dressing gown and smoking a thin cigar while telling anecdotes about his time in Ceylon. It’s really a wonder the plan fell through. Especially when you consider that the sniffer dog they stole and replaced is a Belgian Malinois sheepdog. Who would have noticed the difference? Certainly not the people who work with him every day. Excellent work you genius drug smuggling Mexicans. Why not run for public office?[source]

It’s been a while since a mean old repressed homo Republican was found on his knees in a public toilet with a hooker/model/dancer/recording artist/aspiring press secretary “helping get something out of his eye”. They’re the only kind who are. A while ago we had Bob Allen who claimed he was afraid of black men surrounding a public toilet so he, you know, sought cover in…someone and then prior to that Ted Haggard was quite a doozy.

So, you know, it is for that reason that we actually THANK the Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho for his selfless lewd acts with other males both throughout the past and earlier this year in a bathroom at an airport in Minnesota. It’s been kept secret for a while, but it was just reported that when the senator was arrested back in July he actually pled guilty, paid a fine and then was put on probation.
We thank him because he’s brought focus back to the chronic personal failure of the type of people who insist on living in terror stricken fear of non-issues like gay marriage, evolution as a science subject and sex before marriage to name a few. We thank him for getting caught in a public toilet and for pleading guilty as well because yet again it’s proven that the only freaks who actually champion homophobic legislation are the types who are usually repressed weirdos themselves. With the exception of Vice President Dick Cheney who does it for calculated political profit.
Americablog reports that he has a 0% HRC rating which would actually take some conscious effort to achieve and even Michelle Malkin asks the question, “Should he resign?” – the poll for which suggests he should resign with 18% saying “yes” and 56% saying “hell yes” and he has withdrawn from his role supporting the Mitt Romney presidential bid.
Maybe he shouldn’t resign, but his place in the senate should now be heavily conditional. He should just come out of the closet, change his political platform and explain the extent to which his political position had previously depended on being a homophobe and that he actually doesn’t think that there’s much merit in arguments that gay people shouldn’t be allowed various civil rights and then he could explain how his own internalized hatred of himself was what really pushed him along in being a complete failure as a human rather than any reasonable argument against gay people.
Hell, while he’s at it, he could even put on a freaking cocktail gown and do a few simply choreographed showtunes while holding back the tears as he stares at the shattered remains of his career in politics. That’d be interesting work. It would also be important and clever and amusing work. Amusing for me. There’s nothing like a man in a dress on stage holding back the tears while trying to force out a happy go lucky number. Nothing, I tell you.
How many more mean assed Republicans are left? Like 5?[source] [source] [source]
Lance Bass was interviewed by New York Magazine about moving to New York and parts of the interview made him sound like he hates New York. Here’s what New York Magazine published:

Lance Bass is here for a few months to star as Corny Collins in Hairspray. He’s not sure he likes New York so much. First off, it took three weeks, and three brokers, to find an apartment. “There’s a lot of pieces of crap here for a lot of money,” he says. “And I don’t think anyone here has any style. I was looking at fully furnished places and it was like, you can either have a bunch of floral prints or some dusty couch from the 1960s.” But he’s adapting. “My walking pace has picked up a lot,” he says. “And apparently I’m ruder. I read that someone met me at a club and told me I looked great and I was like, ‘Don’t even think about taking a picture.’ Which really sounds like me. And then they printed a picture they’d taken of me, which makes even less sense.” He’s not hanging out at fellow ’N Sync alum Justin Timberlake’s barbecue joint. “I’ve been a few times,” he says. “But it’s really up there. The Upper East Side? I’m not in college anymore.” And, after coming out of the closet not so long ago, he has another startling admission to make: “I was the worst dancer in the band. I kind of hate to dance.”

So, naturally, people were offended.

But, as Perez Hilton posts, it turns out, Lance was misquoted so he posted a major backpedal on his myspace blog:

Seriously! Here we go again! Cant believe I actually have to write this… this is just not a good week for me press wise… what did i do?!

So here goes… for those that read the New York mag article… I said none of those negative quotes! I expect bloggers to print fake things and its all in fun.. but when a real journalist misquotes me and prints fake quotes that I “said”.. that is just crazy!! And, I dont think legally they can do that! Can they? This dumb reporter just put words in my mouth and turned everything I said into a negative. I told her I love NY and I will probably be doing the bi-coastal thing now because I love it so much. I told her the first few apts I looked at were pieces of crap and the owners had no style at all… that turned into “Lance thinks New Yorkers have no style!” Then I told her I eat at Justins new place all the time, but it is really far away in the upper east side and always full of a college crowd. She turned that into ” Lance doesnt go to Justins restaurant cause its too far away and he doesnt like it because he is not in college anymore!”

Um.. I didnt go to college, why the hell would I say that!

This girl should be working for the enquirer instead of a legit magazine!

If there ever was a need for a retraction this would be it– and hope NY Magazine will do the right thing and write one.

I am no longer going to defend myself on articles such as these. But, I felt I had to because I just moved to this amazing city and feel so at home.I do NOT want anyone here to think I hate it.
If you would like to write a nice little letter to the writer of the article her name is Jada Yuan and she works for New York magazine.

On a lighter note– went to the US Open today and watched Federer kick some ass and Spain’s Fernando Verdasco had the most amazing nail biting comeback I have ever seen!!!! He won in the 5th set.”

Which, as far as a retraction goes, is pretty good especially with the "I've moved on and am happy and nice" tennis bit at the end.

The thing is though, this is actually a really good thing for Lance. When you think about it, the only time anyone has really paid any attention to him is when he spent a whole lot of money on training and then didn’t get into outer space, when he came out, when he was dating and then breaking up with Reichen, and a brief moment in the beginning stage of when he started dating Pedro the Spanish model/bartender. He’s actually on Broadway right now and was in a boyband with Justin Timberlake but those are of little real consequence to anyone because, like Lohan, the main facets of his appeal are the scandal surrounding him. Why? He’s boring.

Lohan is at least a trainwreck along the way. Bass isn’t a mess, he’s not an addict, he’s not really a publicity chaser and he’s not even that spectacular to look at. He’s attractive enough and good natured but there’s really nothing that interesting about him. He’d actually do well in this situation to not just ask the public to e mail Jada Yuan, he should turn up and throw red paint at her. That’d keep him going a good two three months.[source] [source]

If you were looking at Keith Richard across a crowded room and the first thing you thought was, “My my, what a svelte young man with a strapping firm chest and a face that radiates the brightness of a hope filled youth” then the chances are you’re probably not alone. He does seem to give off a certain extraordinarily unique and timeless beauty but it’s safe to also assume that such upkeep isn’t simple.

On the weekend, for example, no doubt plagued by a dire need for the multitude of nutrients found in them, Mr Richards sat on stage and ate a cigarette. Apparently, smoking was not allowed at the 02 Arena where he played on the weekend so he did the next best thing. This comes hot on the heels of back and forth reports that were finally confirmed which indicated he had snorted his father’s ashes.
It’s only reasonable to assume that each time he did ingest his secret magical fountain of youth secrets a halo appeared about him and generations of young impressionable children picked up cigarettes from the ground and ate them as well and that can only be a good thing.
It would be interesting to ascertain exactly how much of Keith Richards has already died and how much is still clinically alive. [source]

I don’t know how or why I didn’t post this charming little gem of a TV clip from the Miss Teen USA pageant already. I think I got carried away with whether or not Castro was dead yesterday. Regardless, suffice it to say; Caitlin Upton delivered a top notch answer to a question at the Miss Teen USA pageant at the weekend.

Incidentally, answer aside, the great part of the whole thing is the brief moment after she’s heard the question before she starts speaking, then there’s the inhalation of air and only then does the pure verbal gold happen. Sit back, relax and let the magic unfold….

So, now that it’s Tuesday we’ve all had a good hard laugh at her via the Internet which means that the topic has rated well enough to be followed up on the Today Show. Just like the nauseatingly banal Amy Polumbo of New Jersey, it’s really just a chance for a beauty queen wannabe to apologize for being human and of average AVERAGE intelligence and to attempt some damage control after the tragic leak that she might actually be a whole person. A leak like that may destroy her attempt at a career in …whatever it is beauty queens actually do later in life. Bee keeping or something.

Here’s what she said in response to seeing the footage of herself:
I truthfully think I only heard about one or two words of the actual question.
You drew a blank?
Yes, I drew a blank, I misunderstood!
Matt Lauer then goes on to explain that everyone on TV (including himself!) makes mistakes and Ann Curry gives her a high five and says, “Good girl…you…” (Which we can only assume, is a way of saying something like “Good on you” except the pressure of live television means that she lost all sense of how to say things coherently.)
And look, they’re right. It IS fine for morning television hosts to make slip ups. After all, they have to sit there and make inane chatter about winter cold remedies, hair glaze options and things to do with squash despite the rage and hatred they feel towards each morning after morning.
A beauty queen, however, does NOT have that kind of flexibility when it comes to explaining her views on public policy and social problems so it’s lucky we could weed this chronic failure out before it was too late. The kind of inane, scattered chatter that came out of Miss Teen South Carolina under pressure up there on stage would have cost the Pentagon precious hours and minutes in translation and therapy for all the personnel in the audience had she stood up at a time of crisis and delivered that speech.
A beauty queen must be able to sashay in a swimsuit, have a frictionless smile, perform a patriotic number like the Yellow Rose of Texas using a freshly gutted cat and dictate public policy that is more or less ready for implementation as soon as it is spoken. Maybe this was embarrassing for Miss South Carolina but better now than when it could have cost the US countless lives.

Maybe she should just wander on down the road back to South Carolina and go back to pickin’ and scrubbin’ taters on the farm in between getting drunk and participating in wet t shirt contests at frat parties with the local hooligans minutes before going to church and voting Republican. There really feels like there’s slightly more authenticity for her in a life like that than one characterized by relentless swimsuit modeling and public policy crafting (if there is a difference in the world of American beauty pageants!) [source]

Monday, August 27, 2007

The investigations and scrutiny of Britney’s conduct as a pet owner and mother seem relentless but, even though they’re essentially egged on by shrill, headline happy gossip rags, the concern seems justified. That’s probably why L.A. County Department of Children and Family Services has finally started gearing up for an investigation into Britney’s treatment of her children.

After the Department of Child and Family Services investigation is conducted it will be interesting to see the difference between the way in which her treatment of her dog/accessories differs from that of her actual children. Britney’s non-specific but certainly dominating delusion certainly makes it seem as though her children could easily double as handbags when Britney goes out –who knows, maybe she really thinks her kids actually are handbags on the way out the door. She certainly can’t tell the difference between a dog and a handbag, that’s for sure. An investigation by the SPCA ascertained that the dog was accidentally stepped on in the closet. That only happened because that’s probably where Britney keeps all her fashion accessories, including dogs. The dog was probably hanging out attentively next to the shoes because to Britney, a dog plays essentially the same role as a shoe. Or at least it comes in at more or less the same price as one.

If the kids are taken away from her and, if the reportage on her behavior is true (which it must be because it was printed in a magazine) then it will be hard core breakdown time for Britney. I thought we’d seen “breakdown” by Britney but when you think about it; when she divorced K-Fed she lost a husband. With the kids, they’re her actual flesh and blood. Get ready for more shaven heads and cutting sessions a la Winehouse.

Hell, I could even see her wandering down the center of the highway in a nightgown with 4 lanes of traffic on either side as she tries to understand what the hell Hamlet is all about. Actually Britney reading Hamlet is a really great idea. I’m going to write a letter to the President. [source] [source]

The New York Post has reported that at Thursday's "Pop Rocks" party at Club 13, the deejay excitedly announced he had an advance copy of the new Madonna song produced by Pharrell Williams for her next album, he played it at a club and it sounded exactly like Britney Spears’ mid to late work – specifically “Toxic”.

Apparently, Britney Spears, despite her endless failure to not be essentially repulsive and ludicrous, is still a source of inspiration for Madonna and if that’s the case then Madonna is not doing so well.
Well, maybe it’s not that simple. Since the downfall of the Trinity of Colossal Pointlessness, there have been a number of contenders to fill the positions left vacant by Paris, Lindsay and Britney. So far they’re Ashley Tillsdale, Ally Sims, Hayden Pannetiere and to a more pathetic and crap extent, Heidi Montag/Lauren Conrad (who can be bothered to tell them apart?). All of these contenders are pretty reasonable choices really; they’re all generic looking, easily translatable pop culture entertainer types who are eager as starving cannibals in a mall to squeeze into the cultural corset that would be required for them to become internationally famous generic stars. Madonna though?
If Madonna’s attempting to jab a needle into Britney’s mid to late work so she can hook herself up to a drip and live off the association – at THIS point – there’s an awful lot more to Madonna we might actually end up seeing. Is Madonna on the fast track to becoming Faye Dunaway/Joan Crawford? (again, just like Montag/Conrad is there any important and really resounding fundamental difference between the two of them these days?) Let’s hope so. But also, you know, she’s alright. But she still might have a breakdown. Ok, phew. Couldn’t end on a pleasant note there, it makes me feel soft and human. [source]

Considering that he’s 81, in very bad intestinal based health, hasn’t been actually seen or heard in months and there have been no official photos or footage of him since July 5, it would be at least reasonable to assume that Fidel Castro is dead or moments away from death. Perez Hilton, among others, announced that Castro is dead at the weekend, but, just to keep the suspense going - that may not actually be the case.
If Castro isn’t dead then he is officially surpassed Anna Nicole Smith in the headline grabbing gesture stakes and frankly, those were some pretty extraordinarily large brassieres to fill so kudos to Castro for that unique pioneering gesture.
Still, awards for Castro’s ingenuity aside, the hilarious if not unnerving thing about this entire ordeal is that following on from the rumours over the weekend, the Cuban Government released an article “written” by “Castro” that was dated August 25 but it still doesn’t prove he’s alive. Clearly, anyone could have written the article.
If he is indeed, dead, then the amount of stress his staff are currently under must be astonishing especially at this point. Surely, faced with an international image crisis such as this where the world is unsure if he’s even alive anymore; they’d roll his old cigar smoking, bearded, colostomy bagged carcass out, electrocute his ass, have him dribble a few words, remove all doubt as to his status as a member of the technically living human race and then be on their way. No more 4 am crisis meetings because of “leaks” like the one on Perez Hilton. “Oh God, the world thinks he’s dead again – ok, everyone, eyes to the communications people: John, Megan, Stuart, what do we do THIS time?”
That would of course probably make it the most elaborate and enormous Weekend at Bernie’s re-enactment since Pope John Paul – the latter years. It’s one thing to spin a story to your administration’s advantage but to actually insist indefinitely that the leader has been alive the whole time and to continue as though it were business as usual has got to drive a Chief of Staff to the drink each night not to mention the Press Secretary who, in this case, would routinely write articles as Castro just to fend off rumours he was dead. If you’re doing that on a regular basis, what exactly are you thinking? You’d probably be thinking about a career change at that point I’d say. Or, maybe not if you’re a drama queen.

Still, this is one of those interesting stories like with Britney Spears (right now) or Hayden Pannetiere (eventually) and Zac Ephron (also eventually). You know the spin is going to collapse in on itself eventually and when it really does slip up and fall over (ie. if and when Castro finally does come out to give a speech and his arm falls off when he calls for solidarity or something) then the story can only be a remarkably entertaining one that Entertainment Tonight will no doubt buy the rights to and cover with impeccable journalistic integrity. [source]