Thursday, August 30, 2007

Oh quick everyone. Strap your faces in and take a valium – Britney Spears isn’t actually completely out of the game yetSure, she may have inspired multiple government organizations to investigate her life and her actions may, by default, actually make K-Fed look like a saint but she’s not done yet.

The symbolic transformation of Britney has already begun too. Last week she cut off the dark extensions, opting for her natural style – one that proved reminiscent of an early 80s lesbian suburban public school teacher – but then she quickly stapled in some blonde extensions hinting, if you will, to the prospect of her reincarnation as…of all things…her former self. Err, yes.

So, now Us Magazine is reporting that she’s definitely planning a comeback that actually has to do with solid career based results as well as hair based symbolism and is working with professional star fucker, aging emo wannabe Criss Angel on an act for the MTV Awards.

There are two really fascinating components of this report.

The first is obviously:

“She’s planning it to be a big comeback performance,” says a Spears insider, who adds that the goal is to make it “shocking.”

What could be so “shocking” that it would firstly, warrant an appearance at the MTV VMAs and secondly, top the already shocking (often nauseatingly shocking) details that make up her daily routine? I mean, many many people are flat out exhausted from shock at the mere evolution of her hair let alone the relentless flashing of gash for cash. What has she got left to give?


Unless, Criss Angel is really a decoy and she’s actually working with Tom Stoppard for the VMAs. Yes, that would make sense. That way she could quarantine the insanity of her last 12 months by saying it was all a commentary of society’s narcissism.

OR she could walk out and have a screaming fit and fall on the ground and vomit up blood on stage. I suppose that would be shocking. Mind you, it’d really only be shocking to the children watching to see their idol give them hope. They’d be traumatized but no one else would really even hiccup. No, short of a suicide attempt on air, there’s pretty much nothing left – besides technical precision – that Britney could come up with.

Another great thing included in the “teaser” from Us was the description of ideas that didn’t make the cut:

Performing “My Prerogative” amid a medley of hits, as images of exes Justin Timberlake, 26, and Kevin Federline, 29, and other gossip fodder flashed on a screen behind her.

Because like…those were her exes and they, like, broke her heart. Wow, that idea has about the same amount of artistic maturity as something a suburban teenaged pot smoker would come up with. Excellent. I am truly shocked by that idea though. I mean, I always thought Britney had the emotional maturity of a 14 year old from the rural south. That’s the same as a slow 8 year old who was born in Manhattan. Yet, here we see her coming up with ideas an angsty, awkward teenager might consider viable. That IS shocking. [source]

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