The Reluctant Whore

Week # 34 in Review

The saga of Amy Winehouse’s battle with drug and self abuse coupled with her oddly complex marriage continued when Winehouse was discovered in her hotel room cutting herself. She and her husband were then embroiled in a dramatic argument which somehow smeared her eye makeup and caused blood to be splattered all over her. Hours later she was seen walking calming through the streets with her husband as though nothing had happened; scratches and bloodstains still intact.

Pete Doherty saved a man from a car crash, avoided further entanglement with the law after he was picked up for drug possession while on probation again but was not presented before a court within 24 hours and was therefore let off, allegedly beat up a woman in the street because she took a photo of his girlfriend and was found to have somehow allowed his pregnant cat to ingest cocaine.

A pregnant Nicole Ritchie showed up for jail and was released a mere 82 minutes after being locked up due to overcrowding, Britney Spears was rumored to be considering a move to London so she could potentially get a fresh start after her relentless failure to function as an adult and mother and as she considered that move, K-Fed served further subpoenas to people he considered would be able to give insight into whether or not Britney is an unfit mother. Britney fought back but cutting off all her hair extensions as her hair has apparently grown back to an adequate length since she shaved it all off and while she did that David Beckham was filmed balancing out the stoic, emotionally cold and indifferent image of his wife by signing autographs for fans after a match and even giving his shoes to a fan.

While Lindsay Lohan is reportedly uninsurable for film work she was reported to apparently still be a worthwhile shot when it comes to recording music. Hot on the heels of that report came news that of all the charges expected to be laid against Lohan for repeated DUI and unlawful imprisonment as well as assault, all charges were considered misdemeanors rather than felonies meaning that she will only spend 24 hours in jail and will be on probation for 3 years. Dina Lohan remained silent for a shockingly long 12 hours after Lindsay’s fate was handed down but was then quotes as saying she was “worried something bad might happen”.

Lilly Allen went on stage at the V Festival in the UK and called President Bush a fucking cunt, Janice Dickinson arranged for a troupe of models to get naked in public as part of a protest for PETA, Star Jones said that she’d be talking to Isaiah Washington on one of the first episodes of her Court TV show about legal issues and Faye Dunaway was seen in a restaurant in Los Angeles ordering chicken and broccoli, obtaining her food, deconstructing it, weighing each ingredient and then sending it back for more broccoli.

Ever the professional, Beyonce Knowles’ dress accidentally blew open while she was performing and yet, despite the fact that her breasts weren’t covered by a bra and the audience saw everything, didn’t miss a beat or a step, the fact that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes sleep in separate beds was reported by the Daily Mail in the UK but it was explained away by saying that Tom Cruise snores, the fight between Kanye West and Fitty Cent about who would sell more records when both their albums dropped on Sept 11 of this year was ended through some kind of vodka shot drinking episode at a club and Hayden Panettiere finally turned 18, went on Letterman and said that the only thing she could now really do was register to vote and buy porn. Islamic terrorists were making films that showed people like Justin Timberlake and David Beckham were actually incarnations of evil.

In numbers and records news, Aerogel or “frozen smoke” was all the rage and it was claimed that the product which was invented on a bet is actually the lightest solid on earth, a woman in New York was busy selling Michael Vick collector cards that had been chewed by a dog for upwards of $450 each on ebay, the first panda to be born in Europe in 25 years entered the world and was named Yang Yang while designer pairs of lederhosen that were made with diamonds and other precious materials were for sale for upwards of $114,000 each.

In the United States, Joy Horton bent down to pick up a spoon she had dropped while making dinner and her house blew up for no discernible reason.

In Europe, French leader Nicolas Sarkozy was photographed shirtless in a canoe and the French magazine Paris Match photoshopped out his love handles as they suggested that his position in the boat made the bulge look bigger than it was in real life, a German woman was driving to a cemetery to pay her respects to a dead relative, got drunk and drove straight through the cemetery, over graves and eventually landed in one and the former president of Latvia Vaira Vike-Freiberga was selling her presidential wardrobe on ebay.

In Nigeria, 18 men were arrested for violating Sharia law when they all got dressed in female clothing for a party and made bail so the public protested that the men were being let off easy while in the Middle East, a 78 year old man with two wives announced that he is on a quest to have 100 children by the two women by the year 2015 while in Russia, Vladimir Putin went fishing without a shirt on and was caught on film causing yet another frenzy of scrutiny of the physique of world leaders.

In Asia, the Chinese government continued their preparations for next year’s Beijing Olympics by instructing cab drivers that they weren’t allowed to yawn in public and by informing the general public that lingering on a train after it had pulled into a final station was considered illegal protesting, an island in the South Pacific was for sale on ebay with a starting bid of $250,000, a Malaysian man who had two wives at the same time was ordered to compensate his first wife by giving her a buffalo and a pig, and a paper in Malaysia was in trouble for printing an image of Jesus Christ smoking.

“The graphic artist, who we have already suspended, didn’t see the cigarette,” a spokesman from the paper said. “It was a mistake.”