Friday, August 31, 2007

Week #35 in Review

After a drought in the US when it comes to conservative politicians being outted, Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho picked up the slack when it was reported that he was arrested earlier this year in a Missouri airport for soliciting an under cover cop. He went on to plead guilty and by the end of the week it was expected that he would resign.

Popwreck Britney Spears was rumoured to have been working on a comeback performance for the MTV VMAs with illusionist Criss Angel which she hoped would be “shocking” while it was revealed through an SPCA investigation that Britney’s dog broke its leg because someone accidentally stepped on it and that no harm was caused through negligence. The same could not necessarily be said for Britney’s children as the LA Country Department of Children and Family Services began an investigation into the treatment of Sean Preston and Jayden James. Despite the investigation into her behavior, Britney still managed to go out in public wearing what looked like a long t-shirt and no pants at all, run out of gas while driving her car, get a parking ticket and, if a radio interview with music producer Ne Yo is to be believed, skip out on recording 6-8 songs he wrote for her for no apparent reason.

Regardless of this chronic failure to function as an adult, Madonna still saw fit to more or less channel and appropriate Britney’s aesthetic in a track that was leaked to a DJ which sounded eerily similar to Britney’s past hit, “Toxic”. Ok! Magazine also decided to auction off the Versace gown Britney stained with mustard while attending the photo shoot she never quite got through earlier this year. By Friday afternoon bidding was at $US1550 and it was also revealed that despite not working, Britney brings in about $US700,000 a month in residuals and interest.
The parents of performer Amy Winehouse called for the public to not buy Amy’s recordings in a plea to halt the rewarding of her self negating behavior, the competition between rappers Kanye West and Fitty Cent may not actually be over as previously reported, musician James Blunt was busy scoring with supermodels and Nick Hogan, son of Hulk, crashed his viper critically injuring a US Marine who had just returned from his second tour of Iraq.

New York Magazine wrote a story about how much former N’Sync band member Lance Bass hates New York City despite having just moved here and Bass shot back a response that stated he was misquoted, Rolling Stone musician Keith Richards ate a cigarette on stage in the UK because smoking was not allowed in the stadium within which he was playing and Miss Teen USA competitor Caitlin Upton answered a question about education on camera and made essentially no sense and then spent the rest of the week making up for it and getting press.

Blogger Perez Hilton reported that Fidel Castro was dead and the rest of the media speculated and waited for confirmation from the Cuban government. A day after he was reported dead, an editorial apparently written by Castro appeared in a youth oriented Cuban publication, actor Owen Wilson attempted suicide by cutting his wrists, Anna Nicole Smith’s ex-boyfriend Larry Birkhead threatened to sue Ok! Magazine if it published information about his legal past regarding his daughter Dannilyn and Barnes and Noble announced that, contrary to their original decision, they would now be stocking the OJ Simpson book, “If I Did It” but they would not be promoting it.

Only weeks after he finally became fit to play after an injury, soccer star David Beckham was struck with another injury ruling him out of play for the next 6 weeks, Tom Cruise said that he respects Germany and that he wants to think positively about the film he is making about Colonel Claus Graf Schenk, the man who attempted to assassinate Hitler.
While they were never entirely substantiated beyond mere speculation, rumours circulated that Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator, Joss Whedon was keen to hire Pete Doherty to play a zombie in his new BBC funded spin-off of the original Buffy series and that Prince William had secretly married long time girlfriend Kate Middleton while they were vacationing in the Seychelles.

In numbers and records news, Damien Hirst’s platinum and diamond skull sculpture was sold for 50 million pounds, sprinter Tyson Gay became the fastest man on earth by running the 200 meters in 19.65 seconds and New York real estate personality Leona Helmsley died leaving the majority of her fortune to charity but most notably, 12 million dollars to her dog, Trouble.

In further US based news, a 17 year old computer wiz from New Jersey finally managed to hack into the iPhone and reconfigure it so it could be used with providers other than AT and T and for doing that he was rewarded with 3 more iPhones and a car, Burning Man attendee Paul David Addis set fire to the tall wooden man effigy way ahead of schedule with fireworks and was promptly arrested, three men in Missouri attempted to rob a corner store by having one of them hula dance naked in front of the cashier while the other two grabbed the beer but they were caught on tape and arrested and a high school principal in Colorado banned the game of tag explaining that she felt ii “promoted conflict”. In Mexico, drug smugglers attempted to bypass sniffer dogs by kidnapping one of them and replacing it with a regular dog that looked nothing like the original.

In Europe and the UK, a bar in London has decided to sell vodka based on its performance in the stock market and as such the price and amount of vodka for each drink will constantly vary and a 19 year old man was arrested in Austria for essentially eating his 49 year old room mate after killing him.
In Asia, an exhibition of 30 historical toilets in Hong Kong featuring a urinal designed for use by women was on display and exhibition visitors were urged to try it out, Japanese rice cracker manufacturers released a new line of crackers that contain visible pieces of wasp, and in China, Shaolin Temple Monks demanded that one internet blogger deliver an apology for stating falsely that a Japanese ninja had defeated the Shaolin Kung Fu masters at some point while the Chinese government clamped down on Chinese menu items and as a result “Virgin Chicken” is no longer a potential meal in China.

In New Zealand, a thief broke into a home and stole several items only to return them all with an apologetic note later that day.

“I have never written truer words when I say that I wish that I had never done this to you and your family,” the note read. “From the bottom of my heart I am sorry.”

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