Monday, August 06, 2007

Its funny how Gwyneth Paltrow can be so successful and graceful (I don’t know…why not?) and more or less beautiful all the time and yet still be an insufferable idiot when it comes to tiny details that seep out. It’s a real testament to the power of a personal publicist.

She carries the entire thing off pretty well; she won an Oscar, married Chris Martin, lives or lived in the West Village in a really charming, elegant neighbourhood, has done a couple of pretty good roles, dated Brad Pitt, she looks good in whatever she wears…those parts, the big parts, are fine.

It’s the tiny things that only she has control over that suck. Like the fact that she cried about her father having a cold at the Academy Awards, that she named her kid Apple, and now the New York Post reveals that she uses actual snake oil on her face to keep the years at bay. Actually snake venom, sorry. Actual venom. (I mean, there are more dumb ass things Paltrow has done but I’m already so damned tired.)

There are two things that need to be said here. One, people who go to insane extremes to look younger are being catered to with more and more insane products as the minutes go by and it’s a testament to their ludicrousness that these products sell and a testament to sincere talent of the product developers and marketing queens that sell them. In months gone past this blog alone has reported on bull semen hair treatment (Catherine Zeta Jones), baby foreskin extract moisturizer (Kylie Minogue), placenta extract serum for the face (Kylie Minogue ), the starving fish who eat dead skin of psoriasis sufferer’s bodies over three weeks of sitting in a warm salt pool in the UK, the anti-freckle gel out of China that actually killed fish in the TV demonstrations (oops!), caffeine in soap, (extra) in coffee, moisturizers, gum, nail polish and aspirin and the list goes on. Snake venom is a really solid addition to the list because it’s dangerous! Hooray for the joining of the quest for danger and the quest for beauty!

The other thing is, when she puts on the muscle freezing gel and lies down with the curtains drawn and the maids in full uniform all lined up with scripted compliments which they are required to nervously read at various intervals during her convalescing treatment so as to promote “healing” and “rejuvenation”, she’d better be sure that the dog or her daughter don’t come in and lick her face. Imagine that. The kid or the dog licks her face and dies of snake poisoning. Totally unnecessary waste of money and life. [source]

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

1. Her father's cough was due to throat cancer, which he then died of days after Gwyneth's 30th birthday. Now, a lot of people won't miss their parents because we have a culture of crappy parents, but Gwyneth's dad sounds like the dad of the year.

2. Venom; The only way it can kill you if you lick it, is if you have a wound on your tongue...or in your stomach, etc, it has to be in your bloodstream. The concentration would also have to be high enough, most probably it won't be, because venom is expensive, and most poisonous snakes actually don't have enough juice in them to kill a human, they don't need to eat something that big.

3. I'll take venom over botox anyday. Though a facial massage from your SF while making out is probably the best. Your face has muscles too, and the more execise they get, the less they will slack, look at Sir Ian McKellan and his expressive face.