Tuesday, August 14, 2007

The New York Post reports the sincerely shocking news that Paris Hilton’s new, demure, post prison image is an act constructed entirely for the media by her new image consultant, image crisis manager to the stars Michael Sitrick. As opposed to her previous image, of course, which was an entirely sincere performance that was the result of a magnetic personality coupled with her ongoing quest for good and radiant selfless humanity based beauty.

Maybe laying low until this whole thing blows over is exactly what she needs though. If that is true then the exciting part of this strategy is yet to unfold. The best part, hands down, will be the moment when Paris can’t stand not being the celebubeast anymore and finally cracks open (literally) and the maddeningly self absorbed, materialistic, mean but popular girl from high school inside her that is also kind of slimy and covered in scales and had a large mouth with 8 rows of teeth that are clogged with the broken carcasses of the children she secretly eats at night in alley ways breaks out of the calm, passive human flesh based façade and shrieks at the media to pay attention as she simultaneously guzzles vodka, gets out of cars with no underwear on, finally slaps Posh Spice down for rejecting her strategic offer of professional friendship and goes shopping for 20,000 dollar dresses which she uses as dental floss.
As Britney Spears taught us, the monster can really only be kept inside for so long. So, until then, we’re just going to sit and watch. We’re not even going to swat that fly. [source]

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