Friday, August 17, 2007

Week # 33 in Review

The balance between Amy Winehouse’s edgy, vulnerable, defiant public persona and her real life barreling towards the rehab at which she so successfully scoffs finally tipped up this week when she collapsed from what her publicist deemed to be “exhaustion” prompting a move to put her in rehab. Following on from the initial report about how she was in hospital, it was revealed that she had a combination of heroin, ecstasy, cocaine and horse tranquilizer in her system and so she was shipped off to detox. By the end of the week she had been in and out of rehab several times and no one could tell if she was coming or going. Especially, it is assumed, Winehouse herself.

David Beckham sat on the sidelines with a swollen ankle for another game of soccer and then, days later when he could finally play a game he actually scored a goal causing the fans to go wild. Finally. In both cases Posh was seen to be visibly stoic and arguably dead on the inside.
The slow but steady demise of Paris Hilton as the American zeitgeist was evident as Paris was reported to be trying to sell her and her sister Nicky’s presence at nightclubs in Las Vegas for a half a million dollars an appearance and there weren’t any immediate takers. Also, the New York Post ran an item on her brother Barron again and whenever that happens, it means there’s nothing to say about Paris but the Post still wants to cash in. Additionally, the Post reported that insiders had observed that Paris Hilton’s demure new image was not the product of any kind of human growth, it was the product of the work of crisis consultant, Michael Sitrick. And yet, while her star was slowly fading, on Thursday Paris Hilton launched her line of clothes and accessories in a store called Kitson.
The Backstreet Boys got together to film a music video to their new song, “Inconsolable”, The Hills’ contractually engaged couple Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag released a single with Pratt living up to his name and rapping in the background of it and fresh from his 20 million dollar settlement with his former employee Don Imus was served with a lawsuit for defamation of character by one of the players from the Rutger’s Women’s Basketball team that he called “nappy headed hos”.

Eddie Murphy finally came back with a statement addressing the ongoing campaign of Melanie Brown regarding the child they now have together exposing Melanie B as an opportunist looking for money and publicity, it was reported for no apparent reason that a writer from Maxim thinks actor Adrian Grenier looks like American Idol alumni Sanjaya Malakar and Indian actress Shilpa Sheppy was rumoured to be all but confirmed to star in the next Bond film following her recent controversial on-stage kiss with actor Richard Gere in India.
New York wannabe socialite Tinsley Mortimer was called in at the last minute to help promote a fundraising event to benefit people living in Darfur. When she found out her arch enemy was helping out as well she pulled out leaving the event to flounder and therefore the people of Darfur no better off.

Britney Spears was rumoured to have been booked to perform at the MTV Music Video Awards later this year, exactly what she would perform is not entirely clear and in the meantime, Kevin Federline hired an ex-Israeli commando to serve subpoenas to a variety of people in his quest to find out just how screwed up Britney really is.

First Twin Jenna Bush was announced to be engaged and Jack Nicholson, it was reported, has to drink a lot of water all the time because his saliva glands don’t function anymore.

In numbers and world record news, an 800 year old gold cross was found in a dumpster in Austria after it had been thought to have been destroyed by the Nazis and the woman considered to be the oldest in the world, Yone Minagawa, died at 114 leaving some other old people to fight it out for the title.

In Asia, a Japanese man was riding his bike, hit a safety barrier and cut off half of his leg and continued riding oblivious for 2km, the Japanese Government cancelled its funding of the Naked Sign Language News, a 63 year old dentist in Malaysia was arrested for performing his profession with no qualifications for 29 years, a Chinese couple began a campaign to call their newborn child “@” and Samson Sor Siriporn the champion female boxer in Thailand who won early freedom by winning several jail house boxing matches continued her winning streak in a match on the outside.

In South Africa, a security guard who was shot during a robbery at the South African Ambassador’s home was refused medical treatment by several hospitals and told to “walk it off”.

In Europe 300 chickens died when a drunk teenager drove a van into a chicken coop and the chickens panicked and ran into a wall, it was reported as news that sometimes Greek shepherds herd their sheep using cars, Bosnian members of parliament were told they would be fined for not paying absolute attention while parliament was in session and artist Mark Kostabis reported that he had been having religious visions just prior to the unveiling of an artwork of his which was to be blessed by the Pope.

In the United States, the judge who sued his local dry cleaners for 54 million dollars after they lost a pair of his pants and lost has appealed the case, a South Carolina inmate announced he was suing NFL quarterback Michael Vick for 63 billion billion dollars for stealing his dogs and selling them for money to buy missiles from Iran, a professor from MIT was found guilty of filing a police report which said that his son organized to have men attack him in his own home after he, in actual fact, shot himself in order to frame his own son, a woman went to jail for 30 days after she claimed to be the wife of her son in court and a man in Kentucky disguised himself by wrapping gray duct tape around his head and attempted to rob a convenience store. He was overpowered by staff at the store and when the police came to apprehend him he insisted that he was not the “Duct Tape Bandit”

“Look at me,” he said. “Do I look like a duct-tape bandit baby? I’m not no duct-tape bandit. You hear me? Live one-on one Ashland, Kentucky, you know this is not me. Do the math, do the homework, man.”

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