Wednesday, August 08, 2007

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A Crocodile in Russia has repeatedly been jumping out of the 12th floor window of the room it is kept in and keep surviving. It did it again the other day and walked away unscathed. Prior to that the croc lost a tooth. You’d think at this point it would be clear that the reptile actually wants to be kept elsewhere probably because, I’ll hazard a guess, it’s owner is a freakish shut-in weirdo who has an army/family of pets around him and sits in a chair wearing soiled undergarments while eating out of cans as snakes and macaws walk all over his face. It seems pretty reasonable that a change was in order. Still, this is nothing compared to that freak in Queens who kept a god damned tiger in his apartment. [source]

Knut, the chronically adorable little polar bear from the Berlin Zoo is becoming more and more like a small bear metaphor for Lindsay Lohan. He was taken from the public eye only recently so he could learn to socialize with other bears after spending a large portion of his early life hanging out with celebrities like Leonardo DiCaprio on the front page of Vanity Faire and now, the little jelly polar bears that were being sold at the Berlin Zoo are being taken off the shelves. Just like Lindsay Lohan’s recent film work. They say it’s because he need to socialize with other bears but everyone knows it’s just drugs and alcohol. Having a line of candy bears in his likeness probably only encourages people to consider him a celebrity bear. Which will kill him. [source]

Following on from such visionary innovative weaponry as the bomb that was meant to make everyone gay that the military was actually researching around 1994 and the more recent sound wave based weapon that induces vomiting which actually does exist, the US military has just announced that it has commissioned a flashlight sized weapon that delivers a combination of light that induces nausea and disorientation and sometimes vomiting on victims (it’s a surprise every time!). How much did this cost is the question at hand right now. Particularly seeing as Britney Spears seems to be a walking human version of this weapon and she doesn’t cost a thing. What a waste of tax payers’ money. [source]

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