The Reluctant Whore

Right, so basically the writers at TMZ are rapidly descending into a chasm of Britney Spears induced insanity

This morning at 10:37am TMZ posted about how Brit was driving her car, she ran out of gas and then the police had to push the car so that it wasn’t in the firing line of other traffic. Riveting stuff. Who knew there was actually no limit to Britney’s inability to function. For the most part, her endless succession of faux pas capers seem to be generally anchored in large daily things like shopping or fashion or taking off her clothes to jump in the water unannounced on the side of the road with the press in toe. It’s never something as tiny as whether or not she has gas in her car.
Oh, who am I kidding this isn’t a shock revelation. If anything, it’s a constant surprise she can actually drive. But regardless, TMZ started the day off with that.

They then moved into a post about how songwriter Ne Yo went on air with Ryan Seacrest to talk about how Britney basically checked out of recording 8 songs he wrote for her – no news there either really. According to sources in an item on Page 6 last week regarding her appearance at the MTV Music awards she’s under the impression she’s already completed recording new songs with Justin Timberlake and she hasn’t even started.

So then, it seems, the writer covering Britney for TMZ just basically lost their mind and wrote an entire post in hyper-Brit speak. It’s a wonder that a breakdown has taken this long. How the hell long are you supposed to cover this inane mess before you become one yourself? Less than a year, it seems.

It’s important to note that the entire post was written in this hyped up Britney vernacular. Best quote:

Love me this green pockerbook -- it's so gigoontic. Oh, heckers, ding dang! I still got Jayden's pooty diaper in thar! Shoot! PeeeeAeeeeeee U! Oh, hell, Sean's diaper's in thar too! I'll just buy me some perfume in here! I better text nanny and see what the boo boos are havin' fer vittles. Might have to git some drive thru on the way home! Ding dang! Yup, I lurrrrv it!

I mean, half of those aren’t even words. It’s extraordinary work. This last post was written based entirely on a photo of Brit wearing her crap cowboy boots and what looks like a cheap stretched t shirt and no underwear. You can just see the writer, wide eyed, caffeinated and twitching both at the repetitive nature of the story and the fact that they have to come up with a new god damned angle. Head banging on the desk trying to make it all stop.

Of course, the trouble with car wrecks is that they don’t go away if you stop looking at them, they get more gruesome and as such, you HAVE to look to keep them under control.

Imagine if TMZ stopped reporting on Britney? She’d probably run for public office and then where would we be because California would elect her pope they’re so celebrity mad. [source] [source] [source]