The Reluctant Whore

The New York Post reports that Jack Nicholson’s saliva glands have stopped working and frankly this is most fascinatingly nauseating thing to have happened since Jenna Jameson's vaginoplasty was botched.

It ultimately can’t be that enchanting for Mr. Nicholson to have no saliva glands particularly with his appetite and such a majestic girth to maintain and the impact it has on his ability to eat. Jack Nicholson with permanent desert mouth means that he’ll probably be unable to do any dramatic monologues that include spitting, yes. But, having no saliva is actually practical in many ways, for Jack Nicholson too because now it’s possible for him to offer a full body exfoliation service to the women he dates using his award winning tongue that is both refreshing and enlivening for the women involved that wasn’t previously an option for him. Prior to that, his tongue would simply slip off their emaciated frames, now it sticks and sloughs off the dead flesh. That’s got to be a wonderful new discovery for him.
It’s really the essence of “one door closes and another one opens” type thing. That aside, I’m just pleased that I’m thinking about celebrity saliva glands. Where am I? [source]