The Reluctant Whore

Despite his best efforts, which are always pretty awkward to watch at best, Michael Lohan can never quite get away from being an embarrassing screw up.

The Lohan divorce proceedings were in full swing today as Michael and Mama Rose Winfrey appeared in court to finalise who gets custody of what kid. It was always going to be hardcore battle seeing the parents both have no evident form of income besides their kids.
So far Michael Lohan has been playing the born again, apologetic, blame accepting martyr and Dina’s been playing the truck stop whore who finally got that black sable she always dreamt of but only after she continuously bled Lindsay dry and pepped her up on goof balls to keep her marketably perky – or at least turned a blind eye when the good balls were popped. My God, what a chock full paragraph.

So, the thing about the Lohan parents is that even though they both suck ass, Michael Lohan is so much worse because, like most showboating religious types, he’s a completely insincere used car salesman at heart.

Take the quote published on TMZ this morning for example. In response to Tony Almeida who went on record yesterday explaining all manner of horrifying yet essentially believable things that Michael Lohan did several years ago when Almeida was working for them as a security guard, Lohan has said:

"Tony is a liar who is out of job and trying to make some money. I do not know what the bodyguard is talking about. He came into our lives when I was out for one year. Tony is a liar. You can ask Lindsay and she will tell you."

My god, it sounds like a high school argument. “No, I never stabbed Shaniqua with a compass…you can even ask my best friend Lindsay.” Ah yes, well ask Lindsay we now must. When asked if there was any chance of a reconciliation between he and the Universe’s model mother, he responded:

“I don’t know.”

Because, look, it’s not entirely obliterated at this point, is it? They could still get back together? The open ended answer is really just a part of the same old apologetic, humbled person he now has to be opposite Mama Lohan’s inane stimulant fueled rampages.

Michael Lohan always manages to throw in a little reference to Lindsay Lohan just to make sure that firstly, people are still thinking about his little cash cow and secondly that everyone knows he’s still connected to her. It’s really his only link to a paycheck and fame. The two things he and Mama White Oprah so desperately crave. A while back when he was barraged with cameras from TMZ he was told who they worked for and he immediately said, “I love TMZ and Lindsay does too!”.

That’s got to be his catch phrase right now. What’s the bet he walks into any of his favourite rancid assed chain restaurants like Red Lobster or the Olive Garden, eats everything in sight and then says, “I Love Olive Garden and Lindsay does too…I can write it down for you if you want.” In a desperate plea to get the meal free.

It’s ok Michael, we god damned remember she’s your kid. It’s hard to remember anything ELSE at the moment, ACTUALLY. Thank YOU for that. I can’t even remember my own god damned NAME.
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