The Reluctant Whore

Week #32 in Review

The Lohan family, this week, continued their relentless and tireless campaign to be officially recognized as America’s most stable and loving family as Lindsay was rumoured to be either at her mother’s home in Merrick, NY or at a rehab clinic in Utah that is critically acclaimed by Forbes Magazine and Michael and Dina Lohan battled their divorce out in court surrounded by the vulture-esque squabble of the paparazzi. Tony Almeida, a former bodyguard of the Lohan family went on record to explain the extent to which he saw family dysfunction when he worked for them between 2002 and 2005 and while everything he said was fairly predictable, Michael Lohan immediately shot back a public statement demonizing Almeida.

It was revealed that Posh Spice might not be entirely useless due to a lack of talent because in fact, Tom Cruise and Will Smith find her accent endearing and they study the way she speaks for their own amusement. Britney Spears was seen out in a sheer black dress which horrified most people who saw the pictures; particularly the English who reported on it first and later in the week Britney drove her car into another parked car denting it. She walked away without checking the minor damage at first and then eventually went back to deal with it. None of these things deterred Elizabeth Arden from moving ahead with their marketing campaign for Spears’ fifth fragrance to date, “Believe”. The size of Britney’s gut hindered their progress but a body double was used and Britney’s head was morphed on top of it and all was fixed. For now.

Gwyneth Paltrow, it was revealed, uses a moisturizer which contains snake venom as a kind of botox-esque treatment, Lilly Allen was rumoured to have been refused entry to the US but then it was revealed that she hadn’t been, in the absence of reasonable Paris Hilton fodder, Barron Hilton, her younger brother, was written about in the gossip columns and Keith Richards admitted that he had, in fact, snorted the ashes of his father but he did not mix them with cocaine as had been previously reported.

Michael Gross, author of “Genuine Authentic: The Real Life of Ralph Lauren” noted that despite favourable reviews and good book sales he felt his book was a failure and that Ralph Lauren was a failure as a human, and Amy Winehouse was checked into a hospital, not rehab, for what her management called “exhaustion” but it was revealed several days later that she had in fact, just collapsed from drug use.

A Superior court judge issued a temporary restraining order on the release of the video tape of Anna Nicole Smith’s breast implant surgery, Ashlee Simpson was reportedly jealous and whining because women in Chicago wanted to be photographed with Pete Wentz and Liza Minnelli ran out of a Gap store on New York’s Upper East Side when a sales assistant repeatedly insisted that she was actually Judy Garland.

In numbers and records news, thousands of people got together in France to eat 100,800 snails which had been cooked in half a metric ton of butter and several thousand people in China got married exactly a year before the Beijing Olympics on August 8 to take advantage of the combination of 8s in their anniversary for next year.

In Asia, the Olympics focused Chinese government continued its intriguing campaign to prepare Beijing for international focus by banning the sale of crispy duck near public toilets in China and police in Thailand who were found to be guilty of improper conduct were being forced to wear arm bands featuring the emasculating head of Hello Kitty.

In Israel, a woman opened a piece of chewing gum and found that the tattoo included in the packet was an image of a Nazi soldier who wore a swastika arm band and in Russia a crocodile jumped out the 12th floor window of it’s owner’s apartment again; the reptile had attempted the jump several times prior to this attempt, a three ton meteorite went missing in Siberia and no one could figure out where it went.

In Europe, a giant lego man washed up on a Dutch beach; it appeared to be coming from the direction of England, a German woman who has lived with a pencil stuck in her head for the past 55 years finally had it removed through surgery, a supermodel whose face was used to advertise German Telekom said that she had been waiting for 3 months for someone to connect her telephone and that she was giving the company one more week before she went to another provider and Knut, the adorable little polar bear cub was retired from public life as a celebrity cub in order that he could be socialized with other bears his age. The Knut themed jelly lollipops in the Berlin Zoo were removed from the Zoo’s shelves.

In the United States the Redneck Games in Texas were held and several arrests were made due to public drunkenness, a woman in Naples Florida turned up to her driving lesson drunk, knocked her instructor down with a car and ran over his legs breaking them and the US military revealed that it had commissioned a light based weapon that induces temporary nausea and sometimes vomiting in people who come in contact with it’s light ray.

Over in the UK, the great white shark scare that has “plagued” Cornwall for the past week or so came to an end when the person who documented the shark admitted to the press that the photo had been taken in South Africa, not Cornwall, English pubs were considering installing air freshening devices to ensure that the stale smell of alcohol and everything that goes with it is masked and former English spy David Shayler released a statement explaining that he, in fact, has mystical powers and may be the Messiah.

He was quoted as saying, “Do I look mentally ill? Do I sound mentally ill?”