The Reluctant Whore

The New York Daily News reports that Kevin Federline hired an ex-Israeli Army commando to serve Britney’s cousin, Alli Sims and Spears’ music producer JR Totem with subpoenas so they’ll testify about how badly behaved Britney Spears really is.
The main thing to come out of this is that the parallels between K Fed and Michael Lohan are staggering and then the sort of secondary thing to come out of it is the hype created through the use of the ex-Israeli commando. Because, literally no one but a trained army operative from the Middle East could have found Alli Sims right now; what with her freshly launched music career and the fact that she’s out all the time with Britney.
An unnamed source was quoted as saying, "Cohen knows his stuff. He was in the Israeli Army. Let's put it this way, if Alli were a terrorist, she would have been taken down."
And it’s great that the source made that clear. If Alli were indeed a terrorist she would have been taken down. Just incidentally, are we absolutely certain that Alli Sims is not a terrorist? After all, her particular brand of innocuous aspirational pop tartletness could easily be taken as a mild form of assault on anyone who heard it.
But no, it really was imperative that she be given legal papers by an Israeli commando who now just happens to live in Los Angeles and just happens to be offering this particular brand of letter deliverance service (one can only assume the camouflage war paint, the helmet with tree branches glued to it and the ever smoking blunderbuss aren’t part of the base level deal but for the sheer spectacle alone it would be worth the extra $3.50).

There’s probably a reason behind K-Fed’s hyper focused, aggressive decisions here though. He’s actually being given the perfect opportunity to come off looking like the responsible one in a duo of parent figures who are both vastly out of their depth when it comes to operating as regular people let alone actually taking care of children. That kind of opportunity doesn’t come along very often for a rat faced, pig hot white, trash impregnating machine like K-Fed and he’s running with it. Essentially, all he has to do is not be seen out drunk ever and sit back and let Britney deliver the kids and their child support checks to him by default. Using a military character doesn’t end up making him look like a neurotic freak, it makes him look like a focused, vigilant, strong will Republican type. Compared to Britney, it makes him look like a protective parent.

This situation is actually remarkably like the Lohan family. You’ve got some innocent kids that link strongly to money and you’ve got two parents. Coincidentally, in each equation there’s a hysterical, boozing, trashy truck stop whore attention seeking mother and an equally corrupt father but the father knows his natural tendency towards being vile won’t help him so he’s really just playing the self righteous purity angle in an attempt to get at the kids. Michael Lohan and K-Fed are so remarkably similar it’s unnerving.

But also, you know, its hilarious because none of them are me. [source]