Friday, February 29, 2008

Week # 9 in Review
This is a much shorter week because I was in Las Vegas on Monday and Tuesday and had no internet access. Regardless, here it is:
The beginning of the 9th week of 2008 was marked by the 80th Annual Academy Awards and former presidential candidate Ralph Nader announcing his candidacy for president and in the week that followed, Us Weekly interviewed Senator Barack Obama asking him if he wore boxers or briefs to which he answered “I don’t answer those humiliating questions but whichever it is, I look good in ’em”, reality TV tagalong character Nicole Ritchie was offered the lead role in Chicago on Broadway, In Touch Weekly voted actor Matthew McConaughey’s chest the hottest chest in Hollywood and it was revealed that blogger Perez Hilton had been engaged in IM chats with another gossip blogger who promised to make several sex tapes in return for assistance in marketing his blog but the assistance from Hilton never materialized.

All acting trophies at the Academy Awards were given out to non-American actors including representatives from England, France and Spain. The deaths montage noticeably did not include actor Brad Renfro who died just before Heath Ledger and who starred in Larry Clark’s film “Bully” and had just finished filming an adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis’ “The Informers”. Former host Whoopi Goldberg was also noticeably absent from the montage of hosts as was Steve Martin. After winning her Academy Award for best screenplay, writer Diablo Cody, an ex-stripper, was gossiped about in the New York Post who repeatedly pointed out that nude photos of her were on the internet. Cody responded by shooting back that the Post failed to report that she herself was the one who posted them and that they were on her myspace page.

American blogger Matt Drudge revealed that third in line to the British throne, Prince Harry had been secretly deployed in Iraq prompting the military to have him sent back to Windsor. The UK press had respected an embargo on any reportage of his position in Iraq. The Food Network fired TV chef Robert Irvine because he lied on his resume with claims that he had worked for the Royal Family and for 4 American presidents.

Former child actors, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen announced that they were releasing a book entitled “Influence” which would feature a series of interviews with people like writer Bob Colacello, it was rumoured that actress Angelina Jolie was pregnant with twins then later it was denied and then still later it was rumoured again and it was reported that Madonna attended jury duty on Monday morning and was making fun of the fact that she had only had three hours sleep because of her Oscar party the night before. She reportedly went and stood in the unemployed line and said, “I’m gonna tell them I’m an unemployed mom.”

In Extraordinarily Odd news, a woman in India went to use the toilet on a train and accidentally gave birth. The child fell through the toilet and onto the tracks only to be rescued moments later and found to be completely unharmed and in Russia the guards charged with defending Russian President Vladimir Putin put out an official request for 21,000 dollars worth of mice but refused to explain why they needed them.

In the UK, Scottish lawmakers were asked to push through a posthumous pardon for everyone found guilty of witchcraft under ancient laws and Prince Charles banned the use of foie gras at all his official residences for what he described as “personal reasons”.

In the US, every Starbucks coffee house was shut on Tuesday between 5:30 and 9 for nationwide training, researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology found that rats twitch their whiskers about ten times faster than anyone realized allowing them to sense in the dark with great precision and the CEO of lingerie company Victoria’s Secret announced that she thought her company had created an image that was either too sexy or it was the "wrong kind of sexy".
In Malaysia it was found that nearly 9000 people on the national electoral ballots were over the age of 100 prompting the government to consider whether or not it would attempt to register the statistic as some kind of world record and the New York Philharmonic Orchestra played for the first time to an audience in North Korea. They played a repertoire that included Gershwin, several Korean folk tunes and the national anthem of both nations. In press coverage of the event, several members of the North Korean public were interviewed about daily life in North Korea and one tie wearing 23 year old young man was quoted as saying:

“I am very happy.” The interpreter then added for him, “The Dear Leader Kim Jong-il looks after our lives.”

The Food Network’s Robert Irvine, who is the host of Dinner Impossible, the show where he’s dropped into a scenario where he has to cook some massive meal like dinner for 480 vegan nudists in the Amazon jungle, has been fired because he apparently lied on his resume.

Does anyone in TV get fired for anything real these days? Irvine said he designed Princess Diana’s wedding cake and worked for 4 presidents. Apparently he may not have. Those are some pretty outrageous claims to make if they aren’t true. So, my question is: wouldn’t you check and see who actually did design Diana’s wedding cake? Like, say you’re the producer of the show and you’re about to hire someone and they say they did all this shit and it all looks great, you’d verify a few things before you went to print with it, right?

I mean, I’m actually going to right now type Who Designed Diana’s Wedding Cake? Into and I’m going to find out who actually did it. Ok, so admittedly, I couldn’t find out through google but I did find the recipe. Still, just call the Royal Family’s PR people and find out. Wouldn’t you do that before you spent a shitload on PR?

Aside from that, who gives a shit REALLY? I mean, it’s not like he’s a doctor. He embellished a lied to get a job on TV. That’s totally never been done, I forgot. Plus, the guy is like an army commando chef. He actually gets the freaking insane jobs done really well. Wouldn’t that be enough to keep him on?

I never thought this kind of thing would happen to someone other than Rachel Ray actually. Well, maybe I was fantasizing about that. Maybe I was simply fantasizing that Ray would lose her job for immense bitchery and then she’d explode out of her flesh and kill an intern by eating it. Because, she’s a dragon type thing underneath all that human perkiness, we know that officially, right?

Poor lying Robert Irvine. This is almost as bad as Jayson Blair at the New York Times. I just don’t know who to believe anymore. Oh, wait, yes I do. I went through this yesterday. Anderson Cooper is now my God again. [source]
Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Malaysia has found nearly 9,000 people aged more than 100 on its electoral rolls as it heads for general elections next month, raising suspicions that the books are "contaminated" with dead voters. “We plan to apply to the Guinness Book of Records to list them as the world's oldest voters if they truly are still alive and kicking," said party spokesman said.” And that’s actually a really great thing. It means that Malaysia is finding a use for its incredibly old people. In the west, the elderly are often considered furniture or “financial drains” but in Malaysia they a marketing ploy and a political weapon. And indeed, what a fascinating place certain communities of Malaysia must be with all those old people walking and kicking around. Communities of people over 100 would be like a day in an amusement part except slow and probably medicated. [source]

The guard service charged with defending Russian President Vladimir Putin has posted a $21 000 tender for a small army of rodents - but will not say what they plan to do with them. Bids on the order apparently closed yesterday so anyone hoping to be the official supplier of mice to the Russian president that didn’t get their powerpoint presentation in by yesterday is out of luck and can’t apply. Still, isn’t it great that Russia is now probably as certifiably insane as China? In one hilarious move they have managed to embody what it means to be a crazy dictator run nation that could potentially rival China in that respect. It means that when China finally implodes from placing so many inane demands on its people because of the Beijing Olympics - we’ll have another country to take its entertaining place. That aside though, I have to say, if they’re planning on training an army of spy mice then they’re wise to do so. Mice are small and can get in anywhere plus they have an element of evil in them – primarily because of how much they resemble rats. They aren’t as evil as rats so I don’t think you could call this mouse army an “EVIL” army but they’re still kind of spooky and scary. An army of running mice look like a furry flood and let me say, I wouldn’t want to be washed over by THAT. I love that the Russian government refuses to explain why they need so many rodents. Like it’s a massive issue of national security. [source]

The chief executive of the Victoria’s Secret, known for its provocative televised fashion shows and alluring stores, made an admission yesterday. In her mind, the brand has become "too sexy" -- or at least the wrong kind of sexy. "We have so much gotten off our heritage," CEO Sharen Jester Turney said in a conference call with analysts. Responding to the past year's weak sales and focus-group feedback, she said, "We will return to an ultra-feminine lingerie brand to meet [customer] needs and expectations." Oh good. Back to the heritage of Victoria’s Secret. What is that? Long flowing 9 layer petticoats where women can show an inch of ankle and everyone faints in shock. Oh yes, please do that. It would be great to live in a state crippling sexual repression again. Excellent. Good old porn material by default. [source]

Prince Harry was secretly deployed in Iraq and had been there for almost 3 months until the Drudge Report broke the story of where he was. Apparently the military had forged an agreement with the UK press that meant that they wouldn’t report on his being in Iraq because he’s essentially considered a “bullet magnet”.

Astonishingly, the UK press didn’t report anything and then Matt Drudge in the US did.
The whole issue of why it was imperative to send Prince Harry to war if he is, in fact, a bullet magnet, is not as interesting to me as the whole issue of post colonial angst that comes through in this. The US has always had this petulant attitude towards the UK and it’s not even about anything current, it’s almost always specifically justified by the War of Independence over 200 years ago.

It would be difficult to be a journalist in the UK and make the decision to put the prince in harm’s way by revealing his location and that’s really saying something because the UK press are freaking insane – particularly when it comes to celebrities and the royal family. I mean, most papers have a Royal Editor for Christ’s sake. If you were the one who reported it you’d be ostracized and alienated. I guess because Harry is hot, good natured and Diana’s son.

So, it would take a right wing ass like Matt Drudge to reveal the information in the US despite the apparent understanding that it could put him in danger and you just know that he justified it by saying it was news (and it is) but far more dominant in this would be his claim that he won’t be told what to do by the English.

Once I was at a party at my American cousin’s house in Sydney and he went on this rant about how he would never sing God Save the Queen because the US won its independence in 1776. Mind you, I refused to say the Pledge of Allegiance when I was in elementary school in California because I felt like it was a weirdly religious cult like thing to do. Which it is.

Now Harry’s on his way back to the UK, actually he’s probably there by now and the poor thing has to hole up in a palace and drink sweet liqueurs and go to cuckoo concerts and shit like that. Oh well. [source]

Nicole Ritchie has been offered the role of Roxy Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago which proves without even a skerrick of doubt that that show is headed into the toilet. I mean, it was already on the rocks when Ashlee Simpson and Lisa Rinna headlined but now that they have the former “had to be funny cause she was fat” attache to the wilting zeitgeist, Paris Hilton – its official.

Firstly, I don’t remember a time in my adult life that Chicago wasn’t playing some respect and God damn it I just don’t CARE anymore. I mean, it’s been going longer than the terror threat by like 3-4 years and now with Nicole Ritchie thinking about taking the lead, I think we’ll all agree it’s become its own cultural terror threat.

I just love this quote from the article:

"You have to be able to act, dance and sing," Robert Viagas, founder of tells Us. "And if you're able to pull off all three, the entertainment world notices."

Ok, so do we have time to go into how many freaking ways that is probably the stupidest thing anyone has ever said? New York City is filled with people who can act, sing and dance that no one ever notices. And frankly, was anyone in any doubt that that’s what Broadway required? In this instance, it seems that actually – the exact opposite is true. You actually just need to be the most unnecessarily famous person ever to be considered for a head lining role on Broadway. No actual talent necessary.

I remember watching a documentary about how Fran and Barry Weisler got Ute Lemper to star in their premiere production in 1998 or something and it was all very glamorous and then they came out with the fashion and the film and the make up and the relentless churning through b-grade celebutard cast members and then there was the stint where Melanie Griffith just decided to play in Chicago because Antonio Banderas was in New York starring in a production of Nine and she freaking just wanted something to do.

Are you a celebrity wife with nothing to do while you’re visiting New York? Why not play the lead in Chicago? I mean, everyone else has and probably will! Madeline Albright, you’re in town to visit the UN – why not skip that one diplomatic lunch to knock out a few bars. Now that Nicole Ritchie has been offered the lead it’s also a sad indictment on crap celeb wannabes like Amy Polumbo. Poor Amy. She pretended she was being blackmailed for a little press when she won the Miss New Jersey pageant and didn’t even get to play Chicago.

Would this show just freaking END? Plus, you know what? I do resent having to type the words Nicole Ritchie as well. I resent it but I understand why it had to be done. [source]

Thursday, February 28, 2008

In Touch Weekly has just voted Matthew McConaughey as having the hottest chest in Hollywood (I’m assuming the hottest MALE chest in Hollywood – it would be a shame to not include all those starlets who put so much time, money and other matter into their chests to make themselves more attractive).

This is really the best kind of endorsement McConaughey can ask for seeing as essentially ALL his appeal is anchored in his physique. There is virtually no other reason to watch his work which includes…um…yes, exactly. In fact, it’s actually difficult to find a non-topless shot of him.
He was quoted as saying:

“I have no clue how many times I’ve been photographed without my shirt on,” Matthew says. “My motto is, ‘If they catch it, they catch it.’”

And what makes that quote interesting is that it’s entirely comprised of transparent lies.

A) He knows exactly how many times he’s been photographed without a shirt on. It's unclear to me, in fact, if he knows really anything else.
B) His motto is “If they catch it, they catch it” except I don’t think I’ve seen in recent memory a more blatant performance of fake zen calm. McCanaughey’s only link to cultural relevance is his chest – if they catch it he works, if they don’t: he’s doing bit parts in b-movies. There’s a lot more to his scheduled appearances shirtless than just random coincidence.
Thank goodness no one pays him to think. Ever. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Lawmakers in Scotland are being asked to push for a posthumous pardon of everyone found guilty under ancient witchcraft laws, including a spiritualist who was convicted during World War II. It makes sense to do that, yes, because nowadays witches are pop stars and models and therapists and also they sometimes serve coffee in lesbian coffee houses while wearing organic kaftans and stuff. That’s all fine. I want this to progress though, because eventually the Catholic Church will raise its essentially comatose head and bellow something inane out in protest of the propagation of dark magic in society and I just love those moments. I just love it when the Church gets all pepped up on self righteous delusion and political aspiration. It’s like a good old fashioned car chase scene or a visit to the amusement park freak show but without having to pay the stupid prices or eat the hog anus meat and plastic cheese. It is for that reason that I love that Catholic Church. All I want is for them to ban me. Oh why won’t they notice me? WHY? [source]

Researchers from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have found that Rats twitch their whiskers about 10 times faster than anyone realized, allowing them to 'see' extraordinary detail in the dark plus it might help explain how the rodents find their way home or back to a particularly savoury garbage pile and how they manage to be the embodiment of all things demonic and why I start to feel nauseous and completely petrified whenever I see one. It is hands down one of my greatest, top 3 fears to be eaten alive by rats. I. Would. Die. Literally. Now that I know they have these magical, super charged whiskers that help them sense fear and love instantly, I feel more panicked than ever before and am probably going to vomit in terror relentlessly for the rest of the day. There. IT’s started. Plus, I just know there’s a freaking rat somewhere near me now. They leave this stench of mean fear and booze. [source]

Right. Hands down: most insane story like…ever. An Indian woman, in India, went to use the toilet on a train and when did so she quickly gave birth to a little girl and the child fell through the mothering toilet and onto the god damned tracks. I mean, seriously! So, the woman fainted. Someone figured out that she had and they stopped the train, went back, found the kid on the tracks (unharmed) and now everyone is completely fine. I’m dumbfounded. Firstly, how do you give birth like that? Doesn’t it take several hours? Maybe she was drinking espresso. Sure, ok, I’ll buy that. BUT – how does a newborn baby fall out the bottom of a train and not die!? It doesn’t die because that baby is a freaking superhero kid and it’s going to grow up and save people and catch criminals and stuff. I mean the pediatrician the kid was taken to even agrees with me: “She is a fighter. In just 12 hours after the unthinkable accident, she was coming out of the accident quite well," paediatrician Dr Raj Kumar told the Times of India.” Yep: screams super hero kid birth. The only thing I don’t get is why the Indian train toilet system just dumps human waste straight onto the tracks. I mean, hello…that’s essentially barbaric. What’s even more amazing about it is that there are no German shit addicts lying on the tracks in India at all times waiting for the golden deposit. I guess because it’s a gamble as to when it would occur and it’s got to be hot lying out there in the India sun on a train track. Yeah, that’s understandable. All in all this incredible story has now been worked out. Done and done. [source]

Just when it seemed like Perez Hilton had become so fat he could never possibly have been mistaken for a sexual being – particularly in Los Angeles, the New York Post has managed to hammer the concept of Perez at home in a bathrobe and nothing else, furiously typing with one hand by reporting that he had been engaged in online chats with another blogger and there was talk of a sex tape to be made…for Perez’ own personal use. Isn't THAT an alluring thought...

Jonathan Jaxson - a former publicist and founder of gossip site JJ's Dirt - told Page Six he sent Lavandeira sexually explicit videos of himself with the hope of Lavandeira's help, which never materialized.

Then later they quote Jaxson who says:

"I fell in love with Perez. I thought he had a huge heart . . . but he's just a [bleep]hole," Jaxson told us. "We started working together and communicating on how to make my blog bigger. Then it got more personal and intimate."

He fell in LOVE with Hilton? Really? OR - is it just vaguely possible that Jaxson is just another promosexual gay boy whose throwing it out there in the hopes of becoming famous. Oh, NEVER! How cynical! Of ME!

Plus, it can’t possibly be news that Hilton is a manipulative, greedy and ambitious media figure so that’s just a given. What I find interesting is that there are people who DO want to have sex with him or at least interact with him sexually for publicity. I interviewed him a couple of months ago and specifically asked him if people offered to have sex with him for publicity and his standard line was that no one wanted to have sex with him because he was fat and living in LA. LA don’t like fat chicks.

Forget Jaxson, though. I feel lied to! I just don’t know who to believe anymore. I think I’m going to start only believing Anderson Cooper again. I went off him for a while but he deserves to be a demagogue again. Hell, maybe I’ll bet on some auction where the prize is dinner with him. Then his illumination will blind me if I win. How romantic. It will be a romantic form of illumination based blindness. [source]

Us Weekly features an interview with Senator Barack Obama that has got to be one of the most researched and highly tactical moves he’s made to humanize himself and really hammer home that he’s accessible to young people. It’s actually really well done on his part because it’s about as pre-fabricated as a gossip item about how likable and funny Madonna is.

Some excepts from the Us interview:

How familiar are you with Us Weekly?

My wife reads it.

Utter crap. I refuse to believe that Michelle Obama reads Us Weekly ever. Although, if she did, it would make her just like so many other American women and not a virtually unknown black woman whose husband is running for president. Imagine.

Do your daughters Sasha and Malia ever ask about Britney Spears?

Actually, yeah. But they're very sensible. They're pretty down on Britney and Paris and all of that. They think that's very "yuck." They're way more into Hannah Montana and Beyonce. They got to go backstage and meet Beyonce and they just love her to death.

Ask about Britney Spears? What? Ask who and ask what? This answer is about as calculated and based on market research as the Clinton campaign to figure out which song would be their official campaign song a while back. Here Obama is rejecting the wilting zeitgeist that is Paris Hilton who more or less represents the lowest common denominator of American culture and he’s also distancing himself from Britney Spears because she represents the American dream gone horrifyingly wrong due to inconvenient humanity and sad, sincere mental anguish and probably illness. Matt Taibbi in Rolling Stone wrote that perky always beats solemn in politics (or something like that. I don't have the article in front of me). Hannah Montana and Beyonce are nothing if not perky. I mean, they're certainly not human so they have to be something.

Your supporters include Oprah Winfrey. Ever been starstruck?

I don't really get starstruck. Everyone I've met has been very nice and friendly, like Kal Penn. During the writers' strike, he was like a staffer! And Scarlett Johansson has been traveling a lot. George Clooney is a good friend. He and I worked on Darfur issues together. I'm always impressed by people who do their homework... and use their celebrity to advocate for issues. George does that just about as well as anyone I know.

This is a genius way to link himself to people who may not care yet because the chances are if people are reading Us Weekly then they identify quite strongly with celebrity icons as moral compasses and concentrated symbols of the collective libido. Scarlett Johansson is basically walking feminine sexuality and George Clooney is a walking symbol of classic old school glamour and masculinity. He’s specifically targeted the male and female centerpieces of the Us Weekly demographic.

So, boxers or briefs?

Bill Clinton said he wore boxers in a 1992 interview with MTV.I don't answer those humiliating questions. But whichever one it is, I look good in 'em!

So, this question is completely inane and Obama still gives the perfect answer. Not playing along in real sense but still thrusting out some sex appeal that middle aged women can latch onto. I mean, they ask this question of the freaking Backstreet Boys. (Incidentally, why can’t they take a poll and include John Edwards and General Wesley Clark?) How American as well; to refuse to engage on a conscious sexual level but to hint at it clearly underneath and to then immediately profit. Perfect. [source]

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

The New Post is reporting that Madonna is actually hilarious fun. Hmm. Ok. Sure. They reported:

"Madonna complained that she got only three hours of sleep because of her Oscar party Sunday night, and then asked another juror if she could lie down on the bench." One spy said, "She was laughing with jurors and said she hated the movie 'Enchanted.' " When the court started calling out jurors' names, Madonna "got up to stand in the unemployed line and joked, 'I'm gonna tell them I'm an unemployed mom.' "

And yes, she does come across as undeniably hilarious and likeable. The thing with Madonna is, though, that she’s actually not trustworthy when it comes to the press. She doesn’t leave anything to chance ever. It seems likely that she realized she comes across as a strict, cold, defensive, powerhouse and she needed to humanize herself for some reason. Someone probably told her that when you seem human you can claim it on tax.

Consequently, she had one of her mignons release this charming little tidbit to the media. What a genius act though. I mean, cracking jokes while at jury duty? There are like 8 levels of common humanity in that one sentence. Notice it wasn’t over reported either. Madonna really is a genius. If she worked for the military she would be a weapon in herself. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Yesterday, every Starbucks in the country shut down between 5:30 and 9pm so they could train their staff. Howard Schultz, the head honcho of Starbucks said this about the plan: “We will close all of our U.S. company-operated stores to teach, educate and share our love of coffee, and the art of espresso. And in doing so, we will begin to elevate the Starbucks Experience for our customers. We are passionate about our coffee. And we will revisit our standards of quality that are the foundation for the trust that our customers have in our coffee and in all of us.” Right. Total crap. Starbucks is a cult. I went in there the other day eating Pinkberry yoghurt and the inane, prozac pepped up freak behind the counter said, “HA! You’re supposed to only order Starbucks…HA!” and I looked at her like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I said, “Well, gee – I mean, this is frozen yoghurt so if you wanna start selling that then maybe I’ll consider it but do you realise what you sound like?” So, now – I really am interested to go in and see what they actually learned during that nationwide PR stunt. I mean, they have already managed to hire a bunch of perky young kids without hiring one depressed art student so, now that they’ve flushed out the unmarketable darkness what else is there? Starbucks is just like North Korea. [source]

This isn’t really that odd in a “zany” way, but I’m just fascinated by the New York Philharmonic going to North Korea as a diplomatic statement. The Times almost seems to be hamming it up with the coverage of what went on with observations like:
“In another room, a girl in braces searched for mathematical formulas while listening to perky Korean orchestral numbers with earphones plugged into the computer. She tersely answered questions, squeezing her hands and seeming nervous.”
And my personal favourite:
“He said he was a university student studying electrical engineering. Asked to describe his life, he said, “I am very happy.” The interpreter then added for him, “The Dear Leader, Kim Jong-il, looks after our lives.”
Frankly, I really see only a marginal difference between North Korea and Starbucks. Everyone is smiling out of crippling fear [source]

Britain's Prince Charles has banned the use of foie gras at his official residences for "personal reasons", a royal official told AFP Wednesday. It would seem that the reason behind his banning foie gras would be that it’s generally considered an inhumane food and I would have thought that would be easy enough to explain rather than using the illusive phrase “for personal reasons”. Seeing as he hasn’t gone on to explain it any further I’m left to speculate about what is really going on in with Prince Charles and the first thing that comes to mind is that he gets dreadful dreadful gastrointestinal problems from eating it. I’m talking about a combination of crippling diarrhea, anti-social levels of gas and mind altering cramps. I mean, it makes sense that the Prince of Wales would want to avoid those three things because I just can’t imagine how appropriate it would be to sit there on official duty and relentlessly shit your pants when you’re the heir to the throne. I mean, unless he was at some kind of German event or a Farty Party. In those cases it would be fine.[source]

The Olsen Twins are releasing a book called “Influence” that will feature a series of interviews they themselves apparently conducted with celebrities who have inspired and influenced them over the years. I actually find it astonishing that as I now sit here, trying to figure out who they might be aware of in the world, in any capacity at all, besides themselves and whoever they’re dating – I come up with basically nothing. Ok, I’m not really surprised at all. After all, lip gloss isn’t a person and neither is a Tootsie Roll.
To examine this in slightly more depth, here’s an editorial piece written by Mark Kate Olsen that appeared in the New York Times a year ago:

TIMELESS; Brand Loyalty

Published: February 25, 2007

I have a large, red quilted Chanel bag that I borrowed from my sister Ashley. I wore it to an event and never gave it back. Luckily, she's moved on to another bag, so I'm safe for now. I'm not quite sure how many bags I have, but let's just say I have a few. When I find a bag I like, I tend to wear it to death until I become obsessed with another one. This probably happens three to five times a year. But I always come back to the Chanel. The size isn't overwhelming, and it has enough subtle detail to keep it interesting.

I also have the smaller version in blue and in white, but the red is definitely my favorite. I don't have a stylist -- I'd rather just do my own thing and put together my own outfits. The chain-handle bag is the perfect accent to almost any combination I come up with. I look at everything with a designer's eye, but I wouldn't change a thing about this bag. I think that's why it's a true classic.

Wow, what a fascinating god damned insight into…I guess, handbags (I mean, doesn't anyone REALLY know what that's about? Don't be forgiving now, this is the New York Times...). I tend to think this article speaks more about the amount of Kolonopin Olsen is on than her actual understanding of the crucial topic of bags. Or, worse yet, if she’s not heavily medicated, then she is a weirdly blank freak of a person. Either way, a book that details – in words – who inspires the two of them appears destined to horrify. Actually, it’s bound to be better than that Paris Hilton book.
I suspect that it’s safe to assume that both Hilton and the Olsen Twins hired an army of ghost writers just to take care of the “content”. I mean, I would bet money on the fact that Mary-Kate thinks Bob Colacello is actually an Italian dessert. [source] [source]

The New York Post continues its eye roll worthy elbowing of Diablo Cody, the winner of Best Screenplay at the Academy Awards for her film “Juno” that began in the hours that followed the Academy Awards by publishing an item today about how she wants to get a tattoo of the face of Ellen Page, who played in Juno. Because she has tattoos. And she was once a stripper.

Ok, so maybe it’s mildly insane to consider getting a tattoo like that, but the woman is currently justifying the propaganda soaked American Dream that anyone can make it big and so, while she’s beautiful and talented, the chances are she’s having a lot of hot air and gold blown up her ass at the moment so she can be forgiven for maybe saying a few one liners that don’t make complete sense. It’s not like she’s decided to run for president. And whatever anyway, I mean, get the tattoo – what does anyone really care anyway?

But good on the Post for not dropping the ball once with the shocking, paper selling news that Cody was once a stripper and that she has tattoos. Because even though it was something she was clearly open about to the extent that John Stewart mentioned it in his remarks as host and the fact that yes, she has tattoos – we can see them – it’s important to remind people that they might be offended by tattoos and a stripping past. Just in case they forgot. The Post is always there to make sure we remember to be morally outraged by meaningless crap – sort of like Bill O’Reilly and for that I am eternally grateful.

Excellent. Incidentally, if people who read the Post without irony stopped going to strip clubs and whores I can’t imagine the industry wouldn’t basically collapse. [source]

The rumour is that Angelina Jolie is not pregnant with twins after all and that she is looking around France for a place to buy and then have the kid. In fact, all the kids are learning French at the school they go to in New York.

This isn’t surprising to me seeing as, in much the same way that I already predicted that Shiloh Pitt is destined to become a living celebrity muse, this other kid is going to end up an ethereal angel who is accompanied at all times by a Celestian choir. The very same choir that Hillary Clinton was referring to when she was joking about Barack Obama’s lack of solid substance except this time it won’t be a joke. It will be real.

I already had an inkling that Shiloh Pitt would grow up and move to Paris and just float around in white and speak in a high voice like the freaking child-like empress from the Never Ending Story and that if Angelina Jolie had twins they would be the Wonder Twin with magic celebrity powers. I thought it would all happen in France because France is the perfect place for Brangelina and their army to really make sure the rest of the world knows just how much better they are than everyone else. Than average normal people. Look at the way it’s turned out.

The only real problem I can foresee with this new kid is if Shiloh Pitt, in her teenaged Paris dwelling years, grows jealous with rage and becomes evil. Then there will be no hope for anyone. Ever. Well, I mean, the new kid will be a force for good but still – there’ll be international conflict and horror if Shiloh Pitt is neglected. [source]

Monday, February 25, 2008

So, yeah, totally. What WAS the deal with forgetting to pay tribute to Brad Renfro? He did some really good work while he was alive too. It wasn’t like he was even just some mindless bland heartthrob. You can't even go back on something like that either. Total faux pas.

Jon Stewart was more or less ok – there really wasn’t a whole lot TOO his hosting. There was a refreshing lack of his usual “eyes closed with arrogance as he tells a joke because he’s so convinced of how funny he is” thing but even if he had laid on the arrogance with gusto, the moment he brought back Marketa Irglova was human enough to make up for anything. Totally adorable. [source]
So, I'm actually flying to Las Vegas this morning at 9am to stay at the Palms Casino (above) and then attend a party that celebrates the launch of some actual Absinthe (below). Reluctant Whore will be in and out until Wednesday. Maybe mostly out. I just ate like a handful of skittles as well and now I can't get to sleep. Which is a real shit because I have to get up in like 5 hours. The only stuff online right now is Academy Awards stuff too. So, that's next before I crash. Into a sugar crash induced genocidal headspace.

Here's the basic rundown of the event. [source]

Friday, February 22, 2008

Week #8 in Review

During the week in which Senator Barack Obama continued his striking lead over Senator Hillary Clinton in their race to become president, Cuban president Fidel Castro stepped down from power after 49 years of Communist rule, 150 people were injured during civil unrest in Belgrade, Serbia as the US Embassy was attacked as part of protests against Kosovo’s recent independence, the US government blew up a now defunct satellite and excitement mounted over the pending Academy Awards, musician Jennifer Lopez prepared to give birth by selling the rights to her first baby pictures to People Magazine for 6 million dollars. OK! Magazine in the UK decided not to pay for the US rights stating that Lopez’s celebrity was not worth the amount of money Lopez was requesting. Lopez gave birth to twins; a boy and a girl towards the end of the week.

Actress Jessica Alba announced via the National Enquirer that she too is expecting twins, People Magazine reported that while actress/singer Jessica Simpson’s film Blonde Ambition made about$2000 in its first weekend of release in the United States, the film brought in $253,008 in the Ukraine, the New York Post’s Bill McCuddy was quoted as saying “Michael Moore wants to bring Castro, Sean Penn is trying to get Chavez, but Susan Sarandon has the real A-Lister, She’s bringing bin Laden. His turbin is Armani.” Referring to the Academy Awards.
Pop group The Jonas Brothers revealed in an interview with Details magazine that they all wear purity rings, a sex tape featuring aging Kiss member Gene Simmons and an Austrian promotional model was released in the US, it was reported that pop star Nick Lachey and his girlfriend ex-Entertainment Tonight host Vanessa Minnillo are often paid to spend time in resorts by the owners of the resorts because it results in publicity, and a photo featuring Paris Hilton in an empty cinema surrounded by cups of soft drink was released to capitalize on bad publicity surrounding her critically panned film, “The Hottie and the Nottie”.
Project Runway host Tim Gunn went on Conan O’Brien to talk about fashion and when asked to comment on the style of Hillary Clinton he said she must be suffering from some form of “gender confusion” and in the lead up to the Brit Awards which were held in the UK and hosted by the Osbournes, Sharon Osbourne took a public swipe at Beatle Paul McCartney’s ex-wife, Heather Mills by saying, “I would boot her off stage. I think she’s a miserable old cow.”
In news of the extraordinarily odd, researchers in Madagascar found the fossilized remains of a frog the size of a bowling ball with heavy armour and teeth. They named the creature Beelzebufo or “Devil Toad”.
In the US, a southwest Florida church issue a challenge to its married members wherein they were to have sex every day for 30 days in an effort to combat the escalating divorce rate, a library of music containing 300,000 CDs and 3 million records made over the past hundred years was for sale on ebay for 3 million dollars, Reebok teamed up with Kool Aid to make scented shoes and in Canada a man from Wetaskiwin, Alberta became intoxicated and drove his car; crashing it on the lawn of the police department thus turning himself in.
In Europe and the UK, it was rumoured that English seaside amusement parks could be wiped out entirely in the next year due to new laws governing slot machines, smoking and also because of the relentless rain, a man in Germany got so frustrated with his girlfriend’s smoking that he blasted her with a fire extinguisher and was carted off to jail, and group of French scientists invented a new form of “self healing” rubber to be used in rubber bands.

In China, the Beijing Zoo announced that it was expanding its panda exhibit with ten more pandas to be imported in time for the Beijing Olympics, the Henan Alcohol Association hired a lawyer to attempt to convince the provincial legislature that the ban on alcohol served at lunch be lifted, the 22nd of each month in China was official set aside to be known as “Seat Giving Day” in a move by the Chinese government to enforce an air of charity towards elderly people and pregnant women on trains while in Australia an artist named Tim Patch who goes by the professional name “Pricasso” decided to enter the Archibald Prize with a painting he completed by painting with his penis instead of a paintbrush.

“I had to use my bum to paint in the background,” he said. “because you have to have the occasional break”

The Jonas Brothers, the three essentially hot but completely contrived and pointless pop triplets who sang that time at some awards show and the middle one crashed to his knees as he broke through a fake plate glass window have stated in an interview with Details Magazine that they wear those freaking PURITY god damned rings that, and I quote: “symbolize, as Joe puts it, ‘promises to ourselves and to God that we’ll stay pure till marriage.’ Joe is 18. His ring is silver and adorned with a cross.”

Oh my GOD, give me a fucking break, stab out my god damned eyes and ears - my head feels like its suddenly become a dam of vitriol. You would think that the travesties that became Britney, Lindsay, Jessica Simpson and Ashley Tisdale (not sure why Tisdale specifically – I just want to smack that bitch in the head until her deviated septum is so deviated it’s beyond help) that people in showbiz would learn that the standards set by Hollywood and demanded by an inane and disconnected and morally righteous American public are inhuman and in fact, deadly. Apparently not.

Apart from the fact that it’s been statistically proven that more than 80% of students in the US who pledge abstinence go on to have sex anyway and that they are also statistically more inclined to have unsafe sex when they do break their inane pledge, the fact is this is just god damned marketing. It’s so astonishing that this is STILL what America wants. But, it doesn’t matter how many people have complete breakdowns and crumble under the pressure of outrageous demands which essentially cripple them as people emotionally, there’s always some rancid assed boyband with a gorgon like American show parent behind them pimping them out as sex objects while claiming that they’re pure and virginal and Christian. If they can muster up enough of the conservative parent support by singing sickly, fake rock pop and not publically having sex or drinking alcohol then who knows, maybe they can perform in a concert during the final weeks of the John McCain campaign.

Plus, you just know that someone like Lou Perlman has or will sink his talons into at least one of them and the show parent will turn a blind eye just for a moment. I knew I hated the Jonas Brothers. There was something about them that just enraged me and I didn’t know what it was and I thought I was just being mean cause I’ll probably never sleep with one of them. Now, it all makes sense; bland undertones of adolescent sexuality, video footage of one of them making goofy facial expressions on Perez Hilton, “hey, we’re just whacky crazy teenagers…”, purity rings, corporately constructed music, non threatening Christian values but no specific mention of Christianity per se. It’s sort of like the early work of Will Smith. All to calculatedly sweet.
One of them is going to slip up and fuck a fan and then all that hard work will be thrown down the toilet. Actually he’ll go to virgin rehab for two weeks and then we’ll see how the public reacts. [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

Selfish commuters who refuse to give up their seats to pregnant women and the elderly are the new targets of a Beijing government campaign to "civilise" residents ahead of this year's Olympics and at this point I think we’ll all agree, it’s like a repetitive sit com. Oh, who am I kidding. I love it. What I’m really hoping for is that there’ll be all these freaking insane rules in China and then all of a sudden everyone just breaks all of them all at once and the Chinese government has a big meltdown. It would cry and stuff and sit there with its head in its hands and say, “I just wanted to be popular…I just wanted everyone to like me.” Looking up with tears running down its face and lines of mascara ruining its party makeup. Then it would get stuck into cans of frosting late at night. Just to bring it back though: The 22nd of each month in China has been designated "Seat-Giving Day" to encourage people to give up their seats to those in greater need, who also include the disabled and children, the China Daily reported Friday, citing city officials. China is, apart from being the biggest insecure freaked out Diva of nations, also a mindless bureaucrat’s dream come true. They have made 1.2 million freaking fliers to promote “Seat Giving Day” and you just KNOW that an entire governmental department worked on that with every single step of the way having to be signed off on by 80 people. Each one of them waiting just that little bit longer just so everyone remembers they exist. I can’t wait for the Olympics in Beijing. Sounds like a freaking enchanting holiday. [source]

Seaside amusement arcades in the UK could be wiped out within a year, the slot machine industry will tell the British government on Friday. Over the past 12 months they have been hit by new betting and smoking laws while torrential downpours left coastal resorts deserted for much of the summer. This might seem like a tragedy and all, and there’s certainly some kind of historical value in these amusement parks but I would actually like to say that I have never once found them anything but horrifying. Whether it’s the weird, incest riddled, deformed freaks who run it, the horrendously overpriced and oversized toys that are always stuffed with Styrofoam balls rather than whatever …goose feathers or the crippling food made of hog anus and nitrates and plastic – I’ve never EVER had fun at those places. They’re going? Great. Meanwhile, speaking of shitty food, there’s the smell of some shitty SHITTY food coming from somewhere. It smells like plastic cheese and sadness. Dumb straight men who work in offices that make small talk like to eat food that tastes like crap and is saturated in cheap salty grease. That’s what I’ve learned. Food where the smell makes you ill. Like, they’ll get Sbarro pizza or something. I mean, why not just drink cancer? [source]

In what has got to be the most natural collaborative cross promotional effort maybe ever, Kool Aid has teamed up with Reebok to create shoes that are not only nauseating to look at, they smell like sugary, synthetic fruit flavoured drink. It has never ceased to amaze me that parents give their kids Kool Aid. Kind of like crap people buying shitty greasy food at carnivals. Why induce ADHD like that? Anyway, so these are shoes that literally smell like the drink and I suppose that makes sense. I mean, when I wear shoes and I sit down on say, the subway or something, the first thing I’m longing for is the smell of candy and the first place I look for it is the ground. My nose is, by the sheer brilliance of the design of the human body, really close TO my feet so it’s all very natural. So far, all I smell when smelling the ground on the subway is you know..I don’t know,…mediocrity or something but NOW. NOW we have Kool Aid smelling shoes. What are these people on? LSD? Actually, you know what? Just take the acid and keep coming up with this shit. It’s fine. I’m desperate for a belt that contains nicotine or a moisturizer that offers me a wider selection of metaphor than I can immediately come up with. Sonically. [source]

I woke up with a shocking start at 12:12am and I thought it was the calcium magnesium tablets I took before I went to sleep but actually I just realized it was the Lopez twins entering the world. J Lo gave birth to her twins; a boy and a girl, this morning at like 12:12 and 12:23am at the hospital on Long Island she had re-designed and decorated and set aside for this perfect moment. For some reason I could sense their celebrity twin presence and therefore I don’t think it’s unwise to consider that they may in fact be infant heraldic beasts.

Yeah, so…apart from the heraldic beast thing, the only part of this that really interests me is speculating about what she said to Marc Anthony while she was in the throws of labor and what she looked like while she was lying there sweating and pushing. I cannot picture Marc Anthony doing anything else besides cowering in the corner while she screams at him in a voice that is suddenly an octave lower than what it normally is.

Plus, there were probably mandolin players who were painted white standing in the corner attempting to play soothing evensong on white painted mandolins. She shipped them in but then ignored them and they concealed their fear well. One of them peed his pants but didn’t move.
Then, once the children were born she looked down at her post birth body and hysterically shrieked, “FIX IT! FIX IT!” and then passed out. When she’s asleep is when Marc Anthony is able to relax. That’s when his shaking stops.

It’s good that there are twins because at least they won’t be alone at night when the terror of living with J Lo hangs in the air like the mist of the Amazon jungle. They can plot their escape together as well. Like, you know, “You distract her and I’ll start the car…” It’s kind of a slow news day as far as I’m concerned. [source]

Bless The New York Post. It really is a spectacular paper and one that should be read daily and attributed with almost religious adherence. They’ve run a quote today which persists with their hammering out of the links they’ve essentially inflated between celebrities who are high profile Liberals and controversial world leaders this time linking Susan Sarandon with Osama bin Laden:

"MICHAEL Moore wants to bring Castro, Sean Penn is trying to get Chavez, but Susan Sarandon has the real A-lister. She's bringing bin Laden. His turban is Armani" - film critic Bill McCuddy on this year's Oscars.

And you know, I, for one, love it. It reads like a quote from some show like Hannity and Combs where Sean Hannity and Anne Coulter sit around and congratulate each other on being right. This is the quote that is thrown in right before the ad break and they all have a good laugh while Alan Combs stops flinching in the corner.

But you know, why stop there? Why not just go the whole distance and say that Susan Sarandon IS Osama bin Laden or better yet, she’s the walking embodiment of 9/11 and sadness and horror. That would work for me really well provided I’m an idiot. [source]

Thursday, February 21, 2008

People Magazine has broken the fascinating story that Jessica Simpson is not, in fact, the incarnation of failure that her life over the past two to three years would so clearly and relentlessly suggest. While her recent cinematic masterpiece “Blonde Ambition” was actually borderline cinematic abuse and only made around 2000 dollars in the US in its opening weekend, in the UKRAINE, it seems, she’s a much bigger star.

Her latest film, Blonde Ambition, hit No. 1 in Ukraine, grossing $253,008 for the weekend of Feb. 14-17, Box Office Mojo reports.

Of course, people in the Ukraine also pay for things with goats, potato liquor and hemp so it’s likely that the box office takings were actually even higher. What a stunning insight this is into the cultural density of the Ukraine.

Apparently, people from the Ukraine like escapist movies even more than Americans so if they’re presented with the choice between reality and a Jessica Simpson movie, they’re statistically quite likely to choose the latter quite quickly. I think that’s actually extremely distressing and I’d be willing to research and see if that qualifies them for some kind of international intervention. A cultural intervention wherein the nation is given free Prozac or something. Something must be done for the people of the Ukraine. They are nationally depressed. [source]

People are always writing about Jessica Alba but I’m not one of them. What Would Tyler Durden do just wants to sleep with her, Perez Hilton hates her because she once said she didn’t feel like she was Latina and D Listed hates everyone (but usually for good reason). I don’t really care about her except for today.

What I found interesting about her today is that she’s pregnant with twins, or at least she claims she is and she does so in the National Enquirer which is the media outlet of choice for anything thinking celebrity. Especially when it comes to making sure the right story gets out there.
Yesterday I think it was, merely YESTERDAY, I said that twins were the new singular kid thanks to J Lo but then I remembered that Julia Roberts had twins too, then there was Dennis Quaid’s poisoned twins, everyone is insisting about how Angelina Jolie is having twins and so that means it really is a sliding scale of celebrity tag alongs from now on and it also really is a trend. Have a couple of kids. Don’t just have the one, that’s common. Have two. Have 8. Have 10 at once. That’d be overkill actually. Twins is all you have to do to be cool except now, as with everything else, there’s only space for one or two more celebs before it becomes lame.

It was the same with mental illness after Britney Spears went into hospital. There was Jason Chambers with his insomnia, Delta Burke with her totally reasonable “hoarding” problem, Courtney Love with her “Only Britney and Marilyn and I have been wheeled out on a gurney” and then SORT of Kirsten Dunst when she had a breakdown on the way into rehab.

So, we’ve racked up four or five with the twins and the next one will have to be someone lame likeTara Reid. I’m surprised she hasn’t done it already. A little hyper fertilizing with IVF and bang – here’s a chance at a career again. Hell, she gets banged enough, I wonder why this hasn’t come up before? [source]

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

It’s a classic day in extraordinarily odd news today because we’ve got all the major, reliable players: China, dumb ass drivers/criminals and boring people doing boring things that are heralded as exciting. Take this for instance: The Beijing Zoo is expanding its panda exhibit for the 2008 Olympics and will ship in up to 10 more for visitors to see during the August Games, an official said Thursday. From my humble experience with panda and bear centric culture, history has proven TIME and time again that pandas are the celebrity of the bear world. Sure, that polar bear cub was cute and it got on the cover of Vanity Fair with Leonardo diCaprio but look, I’ve been a publicist – trust me, you can PR anything. That’s why Thailand held a freaking State wedding for a couple of pandas a couple of years and ago and international media covered it. Pandas getting married and having sex and hanging out (see the Washington Zoo’s 24 hour webcam of the panda cub) is something the public can’t get enough of. China’s on the right track in this instance. Everything else? Maybe they’re insane. Pandas though? Champagne. [source]

Some dumb ass Canadian drunkard took drugs and got drunk and then ran his car off the road and landed on the steps of the police department in Wetaskiwin, Alberta. "It certainly makes our job a little easier when the impaired drivers come to us," said Const. Mark Scheck. Yep, it certainly does. I’m still unsure, on a really global level, what makes people get drunk and then get in a car. You know what you’re doing n o matter how drunk you are. I never get THAT drunk but I know what I’m doing when I’ve had a few. That’s why I never believe those straight guys who explain that they cheated on their girlfriends because they were drunk. Well, gay guys do it too but you know, I don’t know. Not that many people I know cheat. Well, let’s face it, not that many people I know are in functioning relationships. In short, a drunk Canadian is an idiot and if the whole “Hi, I’m drunk and I’m driving a car and look, here I am turning myself in to the police by arriving on their doorstep” had been filmed it would end up on some show like “Canada’s most ridiculous fucking people who drive cars Show”. I wouldn’t watch it but dumb Canadians would. Plus, to a lesser extent, when you’re drunk you’re still in control and therefore you’re wholeheartedly cheating. [source]

A group of French scientists have made a self-healing rubber band material that can reclaim its stretchy usefulness by simply pressing the broken edges back together for a few minutes. I mean, can you IMAGINE what this means for like EVERYTHING? Ok, wait, but the greatest part of this story is really the way the journalist who wrote the report opened it: “Anyone who has heard the snap of a rubber band breaking knows it's time to reach for a replacement”. I mean, what a freaking sentence! Why, look! That’s something I can relate to because yes, I KNOW it’s time to reach for a replacement when my rubber band breaks. OH JESUS, what the fuck is this even about? Ok, that’s right…it’s about some form of self “healing” rubber. It is environmentally friend though so that’s good. I think I just really hated the opening line of the story. Like, I really REALLY hated it. I don’t even know why. God, it was boring. BORING. OK, that’s enough. [source]