Thursday, February 21, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

It’s a classic day in extraordinarily odd news today because we’ve got all the major, reliable players: China, dumb ass drivers/criminals and boring people doing boring things that are heralded as exciting. Take this for instance: The Beijing Zoo is expanding its panda exhibit for the 2008 Olympics and will ship in up to 10 more for visitors to see during the August Games, an official said Thursday. From my humble experience with panda and bear centric culture, history has proven TIME and time again that pandas are the celebrity of the bear world. Sure, that polar bear cub was cute and it got on the cover of Vanity Fair with Leonardo diCaprio but look, I’ve been a publicist – trust me, you can PR anything. That’s why Thailand held a freaking State wedding for a couple of pandas a couple of years and ago and international media covered it. Pandas getting married and having sex and hanging out (see the Washington Zoo’s 24 hour webcam of the panda cub) is something the public can’t get enough of. China’s on the right track in this instance. Everything else? Maybe they’re insane. Pandas though? Champagne. [source]

Some dumb ass Canadian drunkard took drugs and got drunk and then ran his car off the road and landed on the steps of the police department in Wetaskiwin, Alberta. "It certainly makes our job a little easier when the impaired drivers come to us," said Const. Mark Scheck. Yep, it certainly does. I’m still unsure, on a really global level, what makes people get drunk and then get in a car. You know what you’re doing n o matter how drunk you are. I never get THAT drunk but I know what I’m doing when I’ve had a few. That’s why I never believe those straight guys who explain that they cheated on their girlfriends because they were drunk. Well, gay guys do it too but you know, I don’t know. Not that many people I know cheat. Well, let’s face it, not that many people I know are in functioning relationships. In short, a drunk Canadian is an idiot and if the whole “Hi, I’m drunk and I’m driving a car and look, here I am turning myself in to the police by arriving on their doorstep” had been filmed it would end up on some show like “Canada’s most ridiculous fucking people who drive cars Show”. I wouldn’t watch it but dumb Canadians would. Plus, to a lesser extent, when you’re drunk you’re still in control and therefore you’re wholeheartedly cheating. [source]

A group of French scientists have made a self-healing rubber band material that can reclaim its stretchy usefulness by simply pressing the broken edges back together for a few minutes. I mean, can you IMAGINE what this means for like EVERYTHING? Ok, wait, but the greatest part of this story is really the way the journalist who wrote the report opened it: “Anyone who has heard the snap of a rubber band breaking knows it's time to reach for a replacement”. I mean, what a freaking sentence! Why, look! That’s something I can relate to because yes, I KNOW it’s time to reach for a replacement when my rubber band breaks. OH JESUS, what the fuck is this even about? Ok, that’s right…it’s about some form of self “healing” rubber. It is environmentally friend though so that’s good. I think I just really hated the opening line of the story. Like, I really REALLY hated it. I don’t even know why. God, it was boring. BORING. OK, that’s enough. [source]

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