Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

No idea how I missed this at the end of January but somehow I did so I’m putting it in now. Too bad, it’s not from THIS week but it’s about misery so how could I skip it? Detroit, the Motor City has grabbed the top spot on Forbes' inaugural list of America's Most Miserable Cities. I remember years ago I was listening to this CD of Lydia Lunch where she said “I was walking down the street and I thought I was in a war zone, I was really in the middle of Detroit” and if Forbes is to be believes then it really seems like nothing has changed and I find that calming. Of course Lydia Lunch is angry angry angry and would probably hate Paris in the summer while she was in love but the sentiment is there. According to the magazine, the major components of Detroit that make it hateful are toxic waste, high crime, high taxes and high unemployment. The great thing is, if you go to the official website for the City of Detroit, it’s still keeping up the smile with this opening paragraph:
Welcome to the City of Detroit, where you will discover a vibrant, diverse and cultural city on the go. Detroit offers attractions for everyone, from our zoo and museums to our exciting restaurants, nightlife, festivals and events. We look forward to your visit to our great city.
“On the go” is right. Apparently, on the go to HELL. [source]

Men’s Health magazine has put together its list of “Worst Foods in America” and the Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing lands in the number one spot with a whopping 3500 calories per serve. The great thing about the Outback Steakhouse is that it’s completely not in any way Australian but no one seems to notice or care. I never, in the 24 years I lived in Australia, saw cheese fries on any menu. Ranch dressing is also an entirely American product. I think Australia has it but it only got Ranch in the mid-90s. Outback Steakhouse has also been responsible for that deep fried onion flower which was also just a culinary assault to the human body when you break down the nutritional elements. In conclusion, seeing as Outback isn’t Australian and they are consequently guilty of cultural fraud and all their food is not only cheap Americans crap; it’s also deadly, I would suggest that it’s prudent to consider Outback Steakhouse Satan in restaurant form. Satan. [source]

A mythical and ghostly rare white stag has appeared in the wilds of the Scottish Highlands -- and has been caught on camera and so now everyone in Scotland is aflutter with excitement at the idea that they have been visited by some kind of deer based magical beast. My instinct with these things is to always argue that it’s not mythical or a magical beast, that’s it just some genetic mutation and that maybe the people of the Scottish highlands need to find something else to do with their time because they appear to be hallucinating due to boredom. I mean, they do get to do wondrous things like make nettle and weeds soup and cook haggis but maybe, 4000 years on, that’s just not enough. Still, look, it’s lovely that they saw a white stag. Right now, white stag or not, the guy near me is still playing his rancid light jazz, elevator music all day. I actually asked him to stop playing it but he did that office worker banter bullshit thing where he started talking a lot about how the air conditioner is noisy and how he has to have something to cut through the dull rumble it makes. Ok, you know what? Utter crap: why are you air conditioning your office in the dead of winter? You’re not. Case in point: the air conditioner isn’t on today and he’s still listening to it. The fucked saxophone and crap light piano shit. It’s on because he loves it. He loves horrifying, innocuous, Prozac music. Crap, elevator shit. Hi, I’m some office guy and I love mediocrity. I wonder why my wife (probably) divorced me. Hmmm, no idea. [source]

No comments: