Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

A Singapore-based retailer pulled a line of cheeky Jesus branded cosmetics from its shelves after complaints from irate Catholics, the local newspaper reported on Tuesday. The line was called "Lookin' Good for Jesus" and a company spokesperson was quoted as saying "We don't want to offend our customers.” Of course, everyone knows that the only people allowed to flog inane crap using the name and credibility of Jesus Christ are Christians so it makes sense that Catholics particularly would get upset. After all, how many freaking years did they sell the experience of touching a feather from the wings of the Archangel Gabriel and the endless grotesque displays of the multiple foreskins of Christ. This is a trademark issue rather than anything else. I can never get enough of the Catholic Church. I really can’t. [source]

A psychic was paid £60 by a council to rid a County Durham home of a "poltergeist" after a family became "distraught" by unexplained events. Apparently the kids were horrified and didn’t want to go into the house and so the psychic, whose name is Suzanne Haldwin went in and cleared up the horror. Of course, it seems far more likely to me that the kids were just aesthetically sensitive and were destined to grow up to be gay fashionistas and this was the parent’s way of avoiding that realization. I mean, I can realistically see a couple of gay kids being horrified by say, yellow shag pile carpet and stucco walls. I certainly was when I lived in California as a kid. I really was amazed that someone thought three colored shag pile carpet was a good idea. I just couldn’t fathom it. It was synthetic too – not wool. I mean, what were the owners thinking? They weren’t, that’s the reality. They simply weren’t thinking. Prior to realizing that poltergeists are irrationally created entities I think I probably thought I was stuck in hell too. I mean, I sort of was. [source]

Police in central England are hunting for a badly scorched would-be copper power cable thief after finding a hacksaw embedded in an 11,000 volt power cable on Saturday night. Apparently the thief also left a blowtorch at the scene. The article quoted a power station worker who said “The sheer stupidity of cutting through power cables should be glaringly obvious to everyone." But you know what? Not everyone is that smart. I mean, he might have been a complete idiot and frankly, if stories about criminals of late are anything to go by it seems like most criminals are completely stupid. But that’s neither here nor there. While the police and everyone else are laughing at his stupidity, what they should be doing is cowering in fear because whoever did that is probably now imbibed with an enormous amount of super powers. This is how super heroes are made, don’t they know that? He probably has the ability to shoot electric bolts out of his eyes and fingers and then he laughs maniacally at the police he’s just fried. His anger comes from childhood neglect and a small boy who gives him a flower teaches him to love. But in the meantime, he’s a freaking super hero – or should I say, super VILLAIN and it’s likely that he’s plotting to take over the world. Everyone should start panicking immediately. IMMEDIATELY. [source]

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