Monday, February 04, 2008

The New York Post is so chock full of quality items today, I was looking through them all and it just seemed like the relentless flow of fascinating little snippets of culture wouldn’t end. That’s to say nothing of the fact that when you log onto the Post’s website this morning they’ve plastered the hell out of it with pictures of David Beckham in Armani underwear. That way, I’m assuming, if you’re in any way appalled by the Post, Beckham’s virtuous alpha physique can quell all anxiety. Either that or it's meant to distract you from the reality of what you're reading.

So, here’s the rundown of just a taste of the top shelf work on offer from Murdoch this morning:

Virgie Arthur, Anna Nicole Smith’s mother hasn’t been seen for a while which is, of course, an all encompassing erotic travesty but the drought has been lifted by the Post with mention of e mails she sent to Entertainment Tonight offering them exclusive rights to footage of her crying at her dead grandson, Daniel’s grave. The e mails were apparently sent within days of his death meaning that she’s essentially an opportunist freak death profiteer. It’s not clear whether the story is being printed because the e mails were just leaked or what though. It seems as though the story is being printed because the Post just got the e mails but it’s vague enough that they could have held onto the story. Look, I’m just glad we get to see her relentlessly alluring face and panda eyes again. Who cares why this is suddenly news. [source]

Some thug rapper called Fat Joe is lashing out for attention by calling 50 Cent a coward. The Post quotes Fat Joe as saying:

"He's got shot by people who he knows who they are, and he doesn't do nothing about it. He sees Ja Rule [another enemy], little Ja Rule, and he never even fought him one on one. And he's going to come [bleep] with Fat Joe? Are you serious? He still don't leave his house."

Look, I don’t know who the hell Fat Joe is and I kind of feel like I don’t really WANT to know either. Just writing the name Fat Joe is a disappointing experience. I really actually seriously mean that. When I write Fat Joe I feel slightly empty. Ok, I haven’t written it in a bit and now I feel better. It really takes it out of you just thinking about who he is. I suspect I’ll need a lie down at the end of this post actually.

What strikes me as totally tiresome about this is that these dumb ass, massively egostistical, completely unironic thug rappers are all so completely predictable. There’s so little effort put into any kind of authenticity when it comes to these media centric attention seeking ploys. Oh quick, let me just lash out at someone and then I’ll get coverage and we can have a public feud where we all puff out our chests and charge around wearing ludicrously tacky diamond sunglasses at night.

Plus, why is no one addressing the fact that Fat Joe is, in actuality, fat. I mean he’s really really fat. Jesus, let’s stick to the core issues. He is fat. Fat Fat Fat. He’s sort of like a big, rapping ham. A high fat ham with extra salt and oil. Maybe slightly marinated, I’m not sure yet about the marinade. He needs to stop mouthing off for attention like an elementary school kid with a learning disability and start thinking about his fatness. [source]

The Post reports that CNBC News is apparently really intimidated by Fox News’ anchors. At least, essentially according to Fox. Their fear is so all encompassing that they’ve re-done their female anchor’s wardrobes to only include figure hugging v-necks. Apparently there is no need for pants on the CNBC network.

"All of a sudden, they wear nothing but form-fitting V-necks in bright colors and they've gotten all new clothes," said our source. "Pants are no longer relevant." A CNBC rep said, "Not true. No wardrobe change."

I love that this is totally not even remotely a story at all and that it still got printed. You just know that the rep at CNBC rolled their eyes and wrote back that 5 word rebuttal and didn’t even stop the meeting they were in.

So, essentially the way it worked was:

“Hi, is it true you’re making your anchors wear less?”

“Not true, no wardrobe change.”

“Great – there’s our story. Print!”

Of course the obvious thing here is that Fox is owned by Murdoch so it’s just Murdoch doing what he does best. The thing is, I’m in an office right now with people sort of talking about the Super Bowl, it’s Super Tuesday tomorrow and there’s that 1950s beef smell again. It's Super on all sides and beef. I mean, it really smells like beef made in an aluminum pot that is only slightly bent around the rim. Plus, there are pastel blue canisters that with signs that say “Flour” “Sugar” and “Salt” on the bench. That’s what the smell of my office looks like today. [source]

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