Friday, February 01, 2008

Today in Extraordinarily Odd

West Virginia is considering a bill to teach schoolchildren how to handle a gun and hunt safely its proponent hopes will increase state revenues from hunting licenses, a state lawmaker said and that fills me with all manner of enchanting calm. I mean, what could be more calming than a red state full of kids who are toting weaponry all the time. Nothing could be. In fact, I imagine that at some point it might be reasonable to suggest that simply standing in a field in West Virginia be considered a form of relaxation therapy. West Virginia is, of course, so completely chock full of interesting things for kids to do on their days off – like learning about the history of tobacco in their fine state - that even the most petulant of corn syrup fed, ADD riddled gun holding, binge drinking, illiterate 14 year olds have no hope in hell at getting into any trouble by learning about and having access to guns. There’s also no precedent for gun violence in the US so making sure kids have guns is almost the same as making sure they get multi-vitamins each day. [source]

Bedroom furniture for young girls with the brand name Lolita has been withdrawn by Woolworths department store in the UK following complaints from parents and with good reason. Everyone knows that sexual behavior in young adolescents is a result of the name of their furniture. Oh, who am I kidding, what a freaking faux pas. I was trying to play devil’s advocate with this because I fucking hate moralistic, shrill baby boomer parents who get on their little soap boxes because they have nothing else besides glorified data entry, repressed sexual desire and soccer practice to fill their days so I thought I’d attack their perspective but I mean, seriously, who the hell thought calling a child’s bed “Lolita” was a good idea? I guess whole thing is meaningless when parents buy their kids music by hyper sexual dolls like Britney or whatever and then complain about an obscure and probably far more edifying cultural artifacts like the film "Lolita". I mean, what would be worse: The “Early work of Christina Aguilera” children’s bed or the “Pier Paolo Pasolini’s Fascist master work – Salo” children’s bed. I’m sticking with Salo. [source]

A new type of shrew-like creature with a snout similar to an elephant's trunk has been found in the mountains of Tanzania, the first new species of the mammal found since the 19th century, scientists said and the first thing that came to mind for me was that a bitter, angry secretary who is in her 40s was lost on a safari and didn’t get to wash and so their found her scurrying about probably complaining and squeaking. Still, you can make so many great jokes about irritating people who are shrews that I’m sort of unsure where to start or that that image above does the genre justice. I’m ok with it now. Additionally, I think it’s interesting that the only new animals being found these days are weird, freakish rodent like beasts. There’s no new spectacular species of rainbow attired flying squirrel or lion with wings. I haven’t heard about dragons or anything romantic like that in ages. Or ever, when you come to think about it. All we get are these mega rats and bumbling shrews. Animals that haven’t been found yet haven’t been found for a reason; namely because they’re unattractive. I want scientists to stop coming to me with every bland assed glorifed rat they find and start digging up some walking gold. I want fire, feathers, rich soul quenching fur, diamond eyes and the ability to eminate a new Calvin Klein fragrance that even Calvin Klein doesn’t know about yet. One not so heavily based on market research. [source]

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